Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

i want my mam back


mariesgirl1953

Recommended Posts

  • Members
mariesgirl1953

My beautiful mam passed away in October last year, and since then, my whole world has crumpled around me. She was my best friend - my whole life, my everything. I miss her beyond words that one one will ever understand. Some people say to me 'you need to get over it, its been 4 months. I have realized that I haven't even started to greive yet. I'm afraid that when I do I won't be able to stop. I'm going to quit smoking next week. I want to make her proud of me. I know she is, always has been and always will be. No one understands how incredibly difficult this is for me. My dad has his friends in his house in Wicklow Ireland. But I'm in Dublin with my 4 y/o son who has school so it's difficult to go down..I make all the phone calls to my dad. See how he's doing ect. My husband has his job and his friends. I feel so alone. The days seem endless. I never go to bed early so it does be hard to get up most days. My son has missed school some days because I just can't get up I feel so down. I put on a brave face for fam and friends but inside I'm a shell of the person I once was without my amazing mam. I just want to be with her, but I can't do that to my son, dad or husband. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to be with my mam. At night, I find myself watching movies she watched and which we both enjoyed. But it's not the same. Without her - nothing ever will be. I just want her back or else I want to be with her. I love you so much mam xxx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Crittercrazygirl

I too lost my mom.  She passed a year ago this week and I too still cant seem to start grieving.  I am not sleeping, I feel sick all the time to the point it is affecting just about every part of my life.  My mom was also my best friend and It is beyond hard to not be able to pick up the phone anytime I just wanna tell her something silly or just to talk.  I do understand how hard it is.  You feel like things are never going to be better.  You feel that life would be so much better if you could just go and be with her.  So do I.  I have to fight with myself everyday not to feel that way.  I also have a lot of guilt because my mom got sick and I am a nurse and there was nothing I could do to help her.  The one person who always took care of her and I couldn't do anything this time to make her better.  There is no "just get over it"  to me its impossible, but I know that there has to be a way to deal with it.  I'm not sure what that is, but I know it has to be out there for both of us.  My heart hurts all the time.  I finally seen a doctor and was put on medications cause I couldn't sleep or rest.  I am so sorry for your loss my heart understands completely.  :mellow:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Mariesgirl, and crittercrazygirl, I know how you both feel. It's been eight months since my mum died and life without her is too hard. A month ago I had a heart attack and was told to quit smoking but I feel I don't care and wished I had died. I have cut down but it's so hard when feeling so depressed.

Marie, I hope you can quit and I hope one day we all find peace .

Hugs Lisa 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

How? How to go on? I lost my Mom in December and I am asking myself that everyday since. Our worlds have been ripped apart, everything is gray and colorless. There is no joy. I to am waiting for the day I can join my Mom. Since my Mom died I have had such guilt. At first it was over what happened to her the last 3 days of her life. She had surgery for kidney cancer.The surgery went extremely well but unfortunately she developed pneumonia & septic shock and was gone within 3 days. Should I have discouraged her from having the surgery?  She was 83; had never been in the hospital before other than having her children.Should I have noticed something was wrong sooner at the hospital?  Those guilts faded to be replaced by others. Every disagreement, unkind word etc came to the surface. I think of everything I did and everything I didn't do. Now another thought has been coming up. I keep trying to push it away, to ignore it but it won' t go away. I don' t want to face it because it is so hard to face, so hard to do. I will never see or hear or touch my Mom again on this earth. I can never get her back. I will never hear her laugh, see her smile. I just want to die, to be with her. But -the horrible terrible but. That is not what she's would want for me. She would be so disappointed if I didn't try to at least to go on. She lost her parents, my baby sister, friends, and other family members yet she went on. She would be telling me to try to live, try to smile, try to find enjoyment and comfort in the everyday things. She would tell me to fondly and gratefully remember our time together. That's what she would be telling me but unfortunately she hasn't told me how. How......?  Lately I have trying to honor her wishes because I know in my heart that is what she would want for me. I am trying to be kind and considerate to others. She was. I am trying to look at the sky in the morning or the sunset and see beauty. She always would point them out to me. She was always so worried about me and my health so I am tying to "take better care of yourself" as she would say. I have changed so much since she has died and it isn't for the best. I am so negative, so bitter, so hateful. So please , please Mom help me. You were always the one that helped me, guided me, consoled me, dried my tears. Help me do what you want. Love you forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

All~ I am so sorry that you too had to lose your dear Mother!!  I feel like I am in a similar stage of grief as you.  My Mother was also my best friend, and we would talk several times per day about anything and everything.  I too feel so much guilt over what happened the last several days of her life as I feel that I should have been more patient with her, I should have noticed the abrupt change from the pain medication, I should have, would have, could have...The guilt goes from one thing to the next just as Haven mentions, and I have to keep pushing those thoughts away.  

We shouldn't want to die as that is the LAST thing our dear Mom's would want!!  I quit smoking about 3 years ago and I had the thought several times to just buy a carton of cancer sticks and smoke myself to death...then I could at least see her again.  But being that my dear Mother died from lung cancer, I KNOW she would absolutely hate that and would probably kick me out of the club upstairs if that happened. So we do need to still mind and respect our Mothers wishes just as we did when they were here on earth.  We owe then that much.  And maybe we can start our own little chat group to help each other through this painful journey of life 'after' death of our dear Mom.  

Please don't feel so alone with your feelings...I'm grieving with you all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know all of you are talking about not smoking, but the first 6 weeks after my mom died (end of Jan) I had to have a beer or two every day ( I never drink every day) and I had to smoke pot about 6-8 times. It actually helped but only if I take 2 max hits more and you dwell on the loss (just a tip). I stopped working out and couldn't sleep either but sometimes you need whatver to take the edge off.

I'd say after a couple of months if you need a cruch whatever it is, you might consider seeing someone or a groupl I think we all need to give ourselves a break on being healthy and good etc... smoking cigs actually increases your heart so you don't really relax...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Wow, I can really relate to all of your expressions of emotion. I, too, was very close to my mom. She passed away in Nov of last year. She had dementia, so I was losing her bit by bit, but her wonderful personality was there til the end. Losing a parent is such a horrendous loss. You really can't understand it until you have gone thru it. I was there when she breathed her last and the last month was particularly hard. She had Grand Mal seizures and watching that was just devastating. The sense of helplessness to make it quit and to make her feel better was just overwhelming. The things I witnessed have kept me up many nights and continues to do so. I barely got any sleep immediately after she passed.Trying to get a good night's sleep is still elusive to me and that, of course, makes the next day even worse. 

I know I have to accept a new world without her, but sometimes I wonder...how? I lost my dad 9 years ago, so I have come to the realization I'm no one's daughter anymore. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lostwm0715: I wish I could help you stop playing the 'movies' in your head that haunt you.  I know exactly what you mean!  If I could un-see the things I saw, if I could only undo the things I did wrong, if I could only un-say the hurtful things I said...I just force myself with all my might to push those visions of her in that condition out of my mind with all my might!  If I let them come to the forefront, I drive myself insane and am ready to jump off a cliff!  As soon as you have those thoughts and replay that in your mind, quickly change the picture to another vision from a happier time.  As for being 'no one's daughter', I don't see it that way at all...you are STILL their daughter just as they are STILL your parents---death doesn't change that fact. 

All...I feel your pain and if I had a magic wand to take it away I would...but I'd use it on myself first!!

Take care---I believe better days will come, but I don't know when.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My mother passed away in the fall as well. Getting out of bed is the hardest part of my day. All I want to do is numb myself out by watching tv or other forms of escape. My mother was everything to me.  And when she died I felt like I died too. Every since she has been gone I feel like an empty person who is wondering aimlessly. I understand how hard it is to quit smoking. The best thing I have found was the book the "easy way to quit smoking". It really is the best. You sound like you're doing the best that you can. And that's all we can do. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.