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Lost my husband to suicide


kellylyne

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I was married only 8 months to the father of my 7 month old son and on October 24th I got a knock at the door from a police officer and a coroner informing me they had found Danny's (my husband's) body hanging in a tree in a park. I collapsed inside, he was my heart, my life, my everything, I had never seen a man so passionate about being a father. Immediately upon me spreading the devstating news of his suicide; people began deflecting thier own grief and began pointing the finger at me; claiming he had taken his life due to difficulties he and I were having in out marraige. I am still attempting to accept the reality that I am a 29 year old widow; a single parent and it sucks. Attahced is a picture of my HANDSOME husband and my goregeous son.

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Kellylyne, There are no words I can say, I know.  But, know this, you are not the only one.  My husband shot himself 2 years ago and left me to raise my two sons on my own.  Be kind to yourself and remember that it is never your fault.  It is very cruel for others to say that.  No one knows how dark the place is where our loved ones went when they decided to take their own life.  I've have talked to others who suffer from depression and they have told me all they want to do  is stop the pain they are in.  They are not punishing anyone or trying to send messages.  They just want to stop hurting.  All we can do is try to help ourselves get through our pain.  Peace

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Depression is a horrible illness but it is not your fault that your husband took his own life. I am so sorry that people are pointing fingers at you.  It is human nature to try to figure out why and what happened when a loved one passes.  To blame others for a death that you can't accept.  In no way were you responsible for what happened.   People don't commit suicide because of someone else.  They do it because of their own deep emtional pain.  My husband attempted suicide last spring and was hospitalized for over 3 months.  He has bipolar disorder and overdosed on meds.  I found him with little time to spare.   Had I not come home when I did, he would have been gone too.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Your son and husband are beautiful in the picture.  I pray that God will comfort you with a peace that can't be explained in these horrible circumstances. 

Sal

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Sal;

In the month it has been since Danny took his life I have finally come to understand that despite what those idiots say, his suicide had NOTHING to do with me. He and I had a 12 year age difference, both had alcohol and drug addition problems and both had years of baggage and problems to deal with, his solution - SUICIDE, my solution - raise our son correctly. He had about 20 years of financial, chemcal and emotional problems prior to he and I meeting and there was notning I could have done to fix and/or help those issues fade.

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As a person that has suffered from depression for many years, perhaps all of my life, I just wanted to add something here about the mindset of the suicidal.  It is hard for me to remember this, since it has been sooooo long since I felt that way (thank goodness for the proper meds!), but I once planned my suicide....and I had 3 very young children at the time (they are grown now).  It's wierd, but in my mind at the time, I really believed that it would be the best thing for everyone.  If I was gone, then my husband could find a better wife, my children would have a better mom.  I really believed this!  My thinking was so distorted.

What stopped me?  I was a nurse and met an instructor who told the story of her husband's suicide.  She was a pysch nurse, so it was doubly painful for her that she did not recognize or stop her husband's suicide.  We were at brunch at her house, and when she told her story, the pain that I saw in her and her daughters' eyes made me know that I could never inflict that on those I loved.

So, you see, it truly has nothing to do with those that surround you, but everything to do with the twisted thought process that depression can bring. 

Dang! That was embarrassing to write down.  Hope it helped.

Karen

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My first time on this forum. I lost my wife April 25 2006. I am 72 yo. I am going to die April 25 2008.I can't stand being alone with out my beautiful lady. I went thru a sucide watch after she passed. Everyone thinks I am over that. Well I am not. I have nearly everything ready. My will and a CD of me talking to my kids. I have talked to the funeral director and he is all set to do my wishes. I am going to die in my sleep so no one will be suspicious . I have heart problems ,can't see well and have a hard time walking very far.I have a living will that states no autopsy ,that way no one will feel any guilt. I will be so happy when Christmas is over and April gets here. I am ready.

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bandit 1716 I don't know what to say to you.  I know I thought about suicide  as a way out of my misery in the beginning of  my grief.  My husband shot himself, so I thought I could end my own life as well.  But I didn't.  The first year was the worst of the pain of loss for me.  As the second year started, I began to feel like my old self again.  I credit my recovery to God, my counselor, and medication that I took for a short time.    I wish you would seek some of these options.    The black pit you are in is not normal.  It is normal to grieve your loved one, but you must know she would not want to see you this way.  Depression is an evil thing.  It distorts your thinking.  If you haven't tried counseling or grief support groups you should.  It helps to talk to others who have expierenced the  pain and misery of losing your life's partner.  I have no idea if my words mean much, but  I felt I must say something to a hurting man who just misses his wife.  I miss my husband too.

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Hi I read your story I am also only a couple years older than you and My husband killed himself November 5th 2007 .We have a 6 month old baby.My husband got up and went out to our back yard and shot himself .I found him and I am thankful at this time no one is blaming me at this time .We didnt really have any maritial problems ,he had a great job ,a new baby and somehow he was able to do this to himself...I am still not believing it also

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 kelly know you are not the only one.  on oct 30, 2007 my husband of 32 years killed himself, almost in front of me.  we had been sperated about 8 wks and were seeing a counslor.  trying to fix things.  i changed my cell number after a fight on the phone at mid night that continued into the next morning.   i left so i didn't have to hear this anymore and did not want to hear on the phone.  i changed my cell numebr at 10am and at 115pm when i got home he was parked in my drive.  standing at my car he asked for my number and i told him in time.  he asked again and my response was the same.  he asked "you don't want me anymore" i told him that i never said that and we were trying to fix things.  he repeated the question and i responded the same. as soon as those words left my mouth i realized the his hand was not in his pocket, but behind his back, it was too late he pointed the gun at his rihgt temple and pulled the trigger as i stared him dead in the eyes the gun clicked, it was a piece of crap, and i told him it would one day when he didn't want it to.  after the click i did not know what was going to take place next, i ran to an outside utility room hide and called 911,then i heard the gun click a second time and finally go off the third  sending a 22 cal bullet into his head with no exit wound. when i got to him i knew that none of my husband was coming back.  held his head in my hands making peace with him untill the ambulance got there.  now his family and friends think i should have stopped him.  i feel so alone.

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This is the only site that I have used. This and I miss her so.I know maybe I am asking the wrong people but I really need to know this answer. I have no one else to ask.Maybe you can at least recomend a site for me. I saved a lot of my wife's meds 

 when she had cancer,Oxycodn and Hydrocodone .That is what I am going to use. I am so afraid that I might end up a slobering idiot instead of dead which is my goal. I have searched and found Dr Korvorkin and I am on the right track but could't find the right amount. Which means I might have to buy more. I have the date set, and its set in stone at this time. Help. Larry

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Bandit,

Hello. You really have people here worried on this forum! I am Kelly and I am the President of Beyond Indigo. You sound like you are in quite a bit of pain from the death of your wife. How long where you two married? How did you two meet? How many children do you have? I would like you to sit and think a minute about how you feel right now after your loss. This is how your children will feel when you are gone. I know you stated your are 72 years old but many people consider this 72 years young. Now you stated you have it all planned out and they will never know but guess what... they will. In this day and age you just can't possibly wrap up all the lose ends. Now think how they are going to feel finding out you ended your own life. They are going to think maybe that you didn't care about them enough to stick around. They are going to wonder what in the heck they did wrong to deserve this. If you want to know other things start reading the loss of a parent message board. Do you have grand kids? How are they going to have memories of you if you aren't here?? I have endless people I know starting with my husband who wishes that he had memories of grand parents. He doesn't. They all died before he was born. It is a loss he carries today with him. You see you aren't ending pain you are creating it.

Now, there are options out there and you will have to just call out for help. As soon as you start getting help you start feeling better. I tell people all the time you have to talk talk and TALK about your loss. I have people who told me they hope when they die their life had meaning. Somebody has to make sure the kids and grandkids knew your wife's life had meaning. If you don't tell them they won't know. You are turned inward and need to focus outwards. The pain will ease but only by reaching out.

Here at Beyond Indigo we don't help people who are healthy die. We help them live. We help you pick up the pieces and move forward. We are hear to listen but honestly we aren't as good as offline help. You need to see someone who can give you a hug and see you in person and tell you whether you look good or like crap. You need someone to help you on the grief journey. Have you seen a therapist? Have you called a crisis hotline? Have you done anything except turn inwards? It is time to let someone in your life know you are in this pain. They will be devasted later to find out you didn't trust them enough or love them enough (this is how they will think) if you don't get help. It is time.

Kelly

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I went completely off my rocker about 8 mo ago. I have a blockage that cannot be repaired in my heart.They called for the EMT's and they hauled me to the hospital. All they wanted to do was put me in a cyko ward. I  pulled the line out of my arm ,called a cab and went home. Needless to say my kids were POed. They had the police looking for me. I am tired and want to be with my Sharon. I am crying as I type. I can't be helped .Thanks anyway.

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Larry, no one on this site is going to help you commit suicide!  Is that what you are asking?  How much to take?  What to take?  You've got to be kidding.  I think it's also a slap in the face to the people on this particular message board who lost their partners to suicide.   Do you think any of them want to help another human being end their life this way?

I've written to you on the other boards and I'll say it again.  Suicide is not an answer.   You think it will end the pain, but it will only end the pain in this life.  Whatever lessons we need to learn here, no matter how hard they are, we need to experience them.  You may feel that your pain is too much to bear.  What about your children?  They lost one parent, how do you think they will feel if you kill yourself? 

Ishaq's son is about to be a father.  There will be a grandchild who will never know him, but I can help them know him by telling his stories.  That's one of the things we can do for our beloveds: tell their stories to those that are growing up and/or being born, so that they will know about these special people who died before they knew them.

I know that one thing has gotten me through and that has been trying to do things to help others.  I've taken care of myself, let myself feel and do what I needed to around Ishaq's passing.  But trying to help others has been a great blessing, whether writing of my experiences on this board, or talking to other friends and students of my Ishaq, or to others who have lost a loved one.  We learn compassion from our experiences and we can use that as a gift to help others.   Maybe by reaching out to others, you can find a reason to live again.

And here's the last question - if it was reversed, if you had died and your wife was still alive, would you really want her to kill herself to be with you? 

Anna

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[align=left]Bandit we are hear listening, buy u telling us you would like some friends.  i will be your friend to the very end.  this is not the answer to end your pain go talk to your pastor or a pastor maybe one that doesn't know you or your wife.  read back thru my message to kelly.  the hurt dispair and grief you might leave behind to your kids and grand children would be more grief and loniness that u are going thru right now.  you loved your wife very much, by taking all these pills would mean to your loved ones that u did not care enough for them to stay around and the blame to themselves is horrible.  i plead with you DO NOT do this.  talk to some one. 

i am a widow due to suicide. talk to me i can tell u what the people behind go thru.

i hope this works i'm sending u a hug.  click on hugs

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Bandit-By your saying HELP you really don't want to die. You want your pain relieved and you really really want somebody to help you before you do it. You will hurt your children beyond belief if you kill yourself. They will have years and years of torment. I have a friend whose father killed himself in 1979. This man's life was put into a deep depression that he still has not recovered from in spite of therapists, counselors, psychiatrists. Currently he is on 4 antidepressants and faces ECT. I think you are really really lonesome and depressed. Where do you live so you can get some help? Call 1-800-suicide and talk to somebody!! Call them everyday  and several times a day if you have to. And all night.   A suicide completely destroys the people left behind. With help you can at least learn to cope with the pain although it will never go away completely. With help you can at least see the beauty in life again and find joy in living. PLEASE do not kill yourself. You will add to a lot of people's grief and heartache on BI too. A lot of people have written to you and responded to you here because they care.

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I wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away,I wrote your name in the sand,but the waves washed it away,I wrote your name in my heart and forever it will stay-Jessica Blade

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Bandit,

I know the feelings you are having I was feeling the same way after my husband died. My husband came to me and told me something that I had not thought about. He said if you KILL yourself you will not come to the place that I am at!!! I will go to a much lower place in the levels of heaven and will not be with my loved ones that passed before me. For that one reason I will stays this course until GOD takes me, then and only then will our see my wonderful husband again I hope you read this if you what to be with your wife unless she commited sucide you will not be with her.....Hugs stay alive and talk with god daily let him help you

Susan

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(3-7-06) It was the end you decided in your dreams ,you glided high above the clouds,high above the mountains,so admired,so unique-unknown author

There came a time when the pain it took to stay alive was greater than the pain it took to leave. You touched so many hearts in so many ways. You touched the lives of everyone around you. You saw the beauty in everyone you met. You are forever in my heart. May you find peace. Always your love, Aurora

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Thank you Missy. Hugs to you too!! I got through the day. I actually felt calm and at peace. Today would have been my husband's birthday. ~A

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Auro -Birthdays and other holidays are so hard for me,When I left my husbands grave the day we buried him ,I never wanted to go back ,I go every holiday and his Birthday ,I feel if I dont  go I am forgetting him and I always want some part of him in my life.

 

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Aurora,i love the poem you posted,it is so true and i could really relate to it ,my husband passed from cancer and was so sick and suffered so much at the end but still wanted to stay for our grandchildren,and as soon as his treatments ended and he realized this was it,he passed 2 days later,GOD BLESS,T/C ...Kathy

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Kathy, thankyou. Part of healing my heart has been to write poems and to find poems that bring me comfort. I'm glad they spoke to you too. I am so sorry you lost your husband to cancer. I am glad we have a place in cyberspace to meet and share our grief and support for one another. Aurora

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angelmissing

[align=left]It's was 3 weeks ago (yesterday) that my Mark has been gone.  (he took his own life).. Yesterday & most of all day today I grieved for him harder than I ever have.. but tonight all alone in our house... I suddenly felt a peaceful precence.. I think it is his.. or Gods or both.  I have never had this type of feeling before.. Could it just be me.. or has anyone else felt a peaceful presence like this come over them later after their loved one passed away... I almost feel like he is trying to communicate with me.  I know if I tell anyone ..(like family or friends) I will get that strange look.. like sure...uummm hummm..sure you did..and then they would want to cart me off somewhere.

I know this could just be a temporary or one time feeling...Anyone have any insite or thoughts on this? 

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I lost my wife to cancer. I have had these feelings. I can tell you the best advice I have received. Go with your feelings. God have made us with different way to greve.I lost the at peice feelings So one time I hugged her pillow and another I talked to her picture. The feeling came back. So do what feels best to for you . You are never ever wrong with what makes you feel better.No one knows how sad you are ,even if they lost a loved one.You are a individual and you feeling are also yours. This site is great ,we have all been there. Larry

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angelmissing

[align=left]Larry,[/align]

[align=left]Thank you so much for your reply..your reply has helped me know that it is okay to feel his prescence.. I hope I feel it a lot.. but I like you hug his pillow..( & wish his scent would never go away).. I kiss his picture & even talk to it sometimes..You are right we all have our own way of grieving.. & it is okay to do these things...Even thou your wife & my Mark died in different ways.. they both I am sure struggled to make it as long as they did..their battles were tough & they did the best they could..I hope & pray that   God will give us all some strength to make it thru.  I know I am blessed to have you, auroa, the others ( not meaning to leave names out) on here.. you are all such a blessing & help.. Larry thank you for being my friend on here.. that means alot to me..You are still in my prayers... [/align]

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Angel you do whatever you need to do that gives you comfort. You are very lucky to have felt Mark's presence! I haven't felt my husband's presence but I wish I would. Gather strength to get through this wherever you can. It is one of life's most difficult journeys. Take Care!

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Aurora !! Don't feel like you are doing something wrong. You have to give it time. Also don't try so hard,you will feel his presents kinda in the air. When you do is the time for you to talk. You might not get the answer you want and maybe non at all . You will feel the comfort that moment has brought you. I have felt Sharon around me when I need her the most. Sometimes I can hear her talk . Most of the time I solve a problem with her help. Like when I can't find something she put away. I would never have found the item without her helping me in her or God's way. Just kinda chill out and you will see that I am right. This is a tough time ,I am beting on you.. Larry

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angelmissing

[align=left]Thank you Aurora,[/align]

[align=left]I don't feel his prescence tonight.. but what I felt last night was a very peaceful prescence.. it was Marks, Gods, or both..I hope to feel it again.[/align]

[align=left]I slept for approx 6 hours last night, the most I have slept at one time in the past 3 weeks, but I also had a short-quick dream of him.. he didnt say anything.. In my dream he was looking at me.. he had on same hat, jacket, etc that he had on the day he left us, except he had on his shades on his glasses (& he didnt have them on that awlful day),, as he looked at me I said "Mark, do you love me?" & then he looked at me & turned around & walked off without saying anything.. then I woke up.[/align]

[align=left]That dream disturbed me as it was the first time I dreamed of him since he left. Maybe it is just my subconcious playing tricks on me.. just a strange dream.[/align]

[align=left]I saw a counselor Monday, & he suggested I have my doctor put me on medication for depression, as a short term thing.. which I did.  The counselor said something to me that I thought was a little odd..He said I have a lot of anger in me( which most people say I am too calmed natured & let people run over me)... & suggested I write letters to people who have hurt or made me mad or upset, & then burn the letters or tare them up..[/align]

[align=left]Then Tuesday ( the 3rd week of Marks death), I was told at work . that while they were concerned about me personallY , that my division is going under many changes, I loseing one sweet employee under my supervisor.. & haveing my work load doubled, & working between 2 locations.. no extra money.. ( fiances strapped already from Marks death).. I only asked for them to give me a little time to try to heal some emotionally before I take all this own...but I dont think that is going to happen.. so all that added to my already sad day.. was to much to bare.  [/align]

[align=left]Im praying God will lead me in the right direction with my work issue.. maybe send me a different job.. if it is his will.. I think I went back to work way to soon & may try to take some medical leave time off..I do want to get better & I want to heal emotionally.. right now it doesnt seem that I ever will heal.. I know already that my priorities in life have changed.. I see who are really friends & who isnt.. I see that while we all need money to make it in this world, it doesn't mean as much as peace of mind does.[/align]

[align=left]Continue to pray for me as I will for all of you own here.. as we travel this lonesome journey..[/align]

[align=left] [/align]

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