Loss of a Teenager

[4everjoeysmom]

Ant's Mom, KATHY, YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN! Thinking of you today and always!! I haven't been so good at doing e-mail these past months. Please forgive me. Haven't been posting much either. My life is just moving on varied planes these days, but in a good way. I love you and miss you, friend. Sending you hugs this Thanksgiving Day! Love, Claudia

[annie6]

Dear, dear Matthew's Momma,

My heart is just breaking for you right now. The shock and disbelief, the horror, the deep aching to hold your baby again--these are such dark and difficult things for you to go through. I am so sorry, so very sorry. Those of us who have lost our babies understand much of what you're going through, but no one can know the depth or uniqueness of your pain in losing your boy. The love and life the two of you had together was as unique as a fingerprint or a snowflake--and so your grief and your healing will be equally precious and unique.

I'm glad you found Beyond Indigo. At least here, we can hear your pain as no others might be able to. There will be those in your life who will try to offer help or comfort, but because they haven't lost as we have, they will be clumsy and sometimes even say things that end up hurting. Please remember that you are entitled to feel everything exactly as you're feeling it. When people tell you "Don't feel bad . . . (and then fill in the blank with some kind of "wisdom") they don't understand that OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL BAD--NO MATTER WHAT! You've been forced to say good-bye to your son long before any mother should have to. Give yourself permission to hurt and cry and be angry--or whatever you feel. You're entitled. Give yourself permission to sleep, to weep, to talk about your boy. Give your kids permission to cry and talk too. Let them know it's ok--that you can all hold each other and cry and remember together. Let them know that you'll get through this together.

For the first few months after Gavin died, I told everyone I interacted with that I had just recently lost my son. I needed people to know. I don't exactly know why--but it didn't matter. I needed to talk about him. I needed people to hear how wonderful he was and how much he meant to me and how much I missed him. Most people were WONDERFUL about it--and even strangers offered me so much love and concern. The people who couldn't handle it, went their own way. No problem. They could take care of themselves. I needed to take care of me, and this was one way I needed to do it. I read every book I could get my hands on about life after death. This probably wouldn't have been helpful for someone else, but it was what my heart needed. So that is what I did. Listen to your heart and do whatever you need to do to get through this--doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it's weird. They didn't just lose their son. They don't have to understand.

I'm rambling now. Sorry. I just feel like you are my little sister and I want so badly to reach out and hold you in some small way while you're hurting so badly. Your life has been fractured and I want so desperately to let you know that there are others out here who have survived this. You will too. You don't have to know how you'll do it. You don't have to think about that right now. Right now, you just have to get through the next few minutes, or the next half hour. Do whatever your heart tells you to do to get through just that little bit and then, when that bit is over, look to the next little bit.

Know that there are so many of us out here who are praying for you and weeping for you and pulling for you. Know that you are not alone. Not ever.

With my deepest concern and love,

Annie/Gavin's Mom

Feel free to message me through the site if you want. I'm so willing to be there for you--as I know so many of us are. xoxo for now.

[crymsonravyn]

My first thanksgiving without his voice was a horrible experience. I managed to put on a okay face around many friends and family but deep down inside a part of me is snapping. I feel like I should be going about daily life, everyone says to just let him go. I have let him go in that respect. I logically know he is happier free of hurt and disappointment and fear. I emotionally don't care I want him here. I want to be able to finish out my plans of seeing him at christmas and moving back to VA in February so we could all live together again. I want all my children under one roof. I am sorry I did not mean to rant. These brief moments in the morning when noone else is awake is the only time I am able to feel what I need to feel and admit I am not okay. I may have been living away from him, my how I so regret that decision, but I still talked to him for hours at a time. His friends still called to tell me what he was really doing, he didn't like me to worry. I still wait for his texts and his new art work to be posted so that I can see it.

I too want to share with everyone that I just lost my first born son, whom I had shared over half my life with. I wanted to tell them so they understood why the wrong sentence might cause me to weep. However, many times I only smiled and sent holiday wishes yesterday. I keep up the facade. I am not sure if this is justice to Matthew. I do know  that all my son's friends had bad home life or some sort of issue that needed some attention. I myself want to finish school to help troubled teens. Though we lived apart we were much the same person I am learning. These teens are now an extended part of my life. I am now assisting them to finish walking down the right path, I know this is what Matthew would have wanted. I am sorry I digress, I am sometimes unable to focus right now. My mind wanders.

I feel that I should be curled up in a corner rocking myself to serenity but I still put on an okay face and trudge through life. I am guilty everytime I realize this. I will just throughout the day sob uncontrollably for like 20 minutes, guess it is a good thing I work from home. These sobbing bursts happen often but then I continue on. Everytime I begin to feel the core of the pain, the physical hurt i get panicky and am overcome with panic and fear of it, so I shut it down. I do not mean to burden everyone else with this. This is the only place I seem to be able to voice what I am really feeling as I feel it. I keep wanting praying for just a small sign that he is okay and just to well feel him again .. maybe I have already snapped and just dont realize it. :? 

[annie6]

Oh, Sweet Matthew's Mom,

Sounds like Thanksgiving was very draining for you. It is so hard to 'keep up the act' for everyone around us. I hate that the world tells us we 'should' do that. We get the message that it's not OK, not polite-- maybe even 'unkind'??--to be honest about how much we are hurt. This is so wrong on so many levels. Think about this:

Whenever you tell someone you're doing OK when you're not, you're denying your pain--even to yourself. You're heart is saying "Wait! Matthew is dead! Excuse me? It is NOT OK! I'M not OK!" The energy it takes to keep up the charade is energy you don't have right now. You're already depleted by your grief. Why can't we say, "Do you know, I'm really dying here it hurts so bad . . . but today's Thanksgiving, we don't need to go into it . . ." Then if the person's comfortable with grieving with you, you've given them the opportunity to give you some comfort. If not, you've given them an "out."

When we have to force ourselves to be around people, why not give them the opportunity to bless us with their concern and love? I hate how we Americans have this idea that we have to be strong and grieve alone. It's really so unhealthy and it makes the healing process so impossible.

I used to tell people: "I feel like I've been hit by a semi and dragged along the freeway for about 500 feet. Like I should be in the Intensive Care Unit. It's so strange, because I know I 'look ok' on the outside, but inside, I'm just torn apart." Sweetheart, you ARE that injured. If you were in intensive care, you would be getting all kinds of loving care--and people would be giving you the time you needed to heal, not expecting you to bounce back and 'be strong.' How ridiculous would that be? Just because your pain doesn't show like a bodily injury would, doesn't mean it's not as serious. It is very serious.

Especially right now during these first days, weeks and months. . . and ESPECIALLY during the holidays, you need to go very easy on yourself. Take extra time in a hot bath. Hug your kids a little longer, climb into bed with them and talk about Matthew. Talk together about what you would have gotten him for Christmas and just cry and cry and cry. But above all, just go easy on yourself. You deserve to be tender to yourself for AT LEAST this first year--if not longer. Give yourself permission to hurt and to heal for as long as it takes. If your leg was broken and you forced yourself to just be tough and walk on it, think of all the damage you'd do. Why do we do this to ourselves with our grief??

If you're real about your loss--about how devastating it is that Matthew is dead, your example will teach others around you how to get through their own future losses. You'll teach your kids how to get through this. You'll spare them from having to play their own 'academy award' performances. If you can't quite yet give yourself permission to do this for YOU, (and you still feel like you should take care of everyone else around you) then do it for them. Be tender with yourself and show them how we should care for someone who is as deeply injured as you are.

Keep coming back to this site. The love and support you'll receive from these parents who've walked this dark road will be a life-line for you. These are people who KNOW how hard it really is and who will reach out and help love you through it.

I'm praying for you! For all of us . . .

Love,

Annie/Gavin's Mom

[wyomingsal]

Matthew's Mom,

I am so glad you are able to come here and share your hurt and pain.  The tears and venting of pain are very important.  The people telling you to move on don't understand how grieving works. They don't understand that for those of us who have lost a child  we will never ever "move on".  We will never forget our children.  We can't pretend that everything is ok.  We have to acknowledge our pain and hurt.  We have to cry and weep and yell and even scream.  We have to understand what our loss truly means to us in every area of our life.  You will learn to move forward a step at a time carrying your memories and hurts with you.  You will live again but life has changed and you have changed in the blink of an eye.   Someone who has a leg amputated isn't told to move on and pretend everything is ok.  They are encouraged and helped throughout the long hard process of learning to live again without a vital part of themselves.  When they cry and hurt they are held and loved.  They are encouraged to talk about their pain and how the loss is affecting them.  When they get phantom pain they are not scolded and told it is because they aren't strong and they are inconsiderate.  They must go through the long healing process which includes severe pain and then slow day by day recovery.  They will never be whole.  They will never be able to replace that limb even with prothetics to help them live productively.  They can smile again and live but they are never the same person again.  They understand what they have lost even as they live each day with a new determination and new strength.

Take the time you need to heal.  If you feel like crying then cry.  If you can't stand to be with people for awhile...stay home.  I remember waking early because of the thoughts swirling around and around.  I got up and read my Bible and cried and wept and was glad for the time alone to grieve.   Be good to yourself and don't expect much of yourself right now.

Love Sal

[crymsonravyn]

Hearing from everyone is helping realize that I am going to experience a wide range of emotions. I am also considering a seven year relationship because of the way he is "helping" me cope. I am trying not to do anything rash, but i keep hearing Matthew telling me to be happy and life is too short to deal with creeps. He has not been a decent boyfriend for sometime. I know this has nothing to do with my absolute hollow void that I have because my Matthew is not here.

My stomach knotts up and i become unable to breathe or think for long periods of time. I want to be there for others, I seem to be able to help his friends and siblings cope. I am just not able to help my adult boyfriend who did not know my son very well grieve as though he too has lost my precious. I feel selfish thinking like that but how can he tell me that after knowing Matthew for a little over a year he is suffering in the same light as myself, the mother praying for one more moment with her son, her light, her reason for existing.

 

By the way my name is Robyn.

[annie6]

Dear Robyn,

You're so right. It's not your responsibility to prop up your boyfriend through this. He should be the one helping you! It would be good for you to tell him this--loud and clear. If he needs help, he needs to get it somewhere else. You have enough on your plate just taking care of yourself and your kids right now. Period. You're not this man's momma.

About ending the relationship: It's tricky to make decisions that will have long-term ramifications during such a fragile time. Can you handle one more loss (even a minor one) right now? It sounds as though you're fed up with this guy--and rightly so. He's being unfair and insensitive. Is there someone close to you who can help you talk through this one?

Keep praying. I will too.

Annie

[crymsonravyn]

Thank you again for your wise words. Yes I do have some friends that are close and they seem to agree. I will have to wait until after this christmas though I do not feel as though I can be entirely alone, I mean other than with my children, however, they need me to be strong.

I want to feel his energy around me just one more time. His energy was so strong while he was on this earth one could feel him enter a room. His girlfriend confirmed it was not just a mommy thing, she felt it too. This powerful spirit must be able to tell me that he trully did die without pain or suffering, the police say it was instant. His body was still intact as though he was sleeping without so much as a cut. I begged for him to wake up and smile his cute smile and say I am sorry to scare everyone but I am okay.

I know this won't happen I do realize it each day I feel more and more of the pain. Each day I am able to keep up my facade less and less. Each day focusing on work becomes more difficult. Maybe stifling the pain for this long was not a wise choice because I am losing control of it. this emotional pain is so intense I cannot help but feel it to the core of my soul making it a physical pain that nothing helps subside.

I have to wait at least two more weeks before they can get me into counseling. I am praying that I can wait that long before my shell cracks from this pain.

[crymsonravyn]

well this morning was a rough one. My waking thought was instead of buying xmas presents for Matthew I had to choose cremation necklaces for his siblings and myself. I was not well with this thought. My thoughts turned even darker when I went to myspace.com to see how his friends were olding up when I saw that Matthew's step mother of a whole 6 months was on the website telling all her friends that her son had died.

Now I know that she cared for my son in her brief time getting to know him, but is it wrong of me to feel this upset that she is stating it was her son that has passed. If she had been around for more of his life maybe this would not bother me so much. I feel like I am being childish saying he is my son how dare you! But I cannot help this feeling it was a slap in the face after my horrifying realization about christmas.

I always feel bad about being angry but I do not deny her her grief just wish she would label it correctly. I know Matthew was a powerful spirit and he would say just let it go mom, which I am trying to do, but WOW !!

 

Okay everyone be brutally honest, I am just being a great big child right?

Sorry to keep venting to everyone here, I know everyone here is grieving and suffering and I want to be here for all. Eventually I may be more actively here for all I just don't know what it I feel a majority of the time hard to believe that last friday my oldest has been dead for 2 weeks. I am here for all I am sorry if I am just not much help at the moment.

 

[wyomingsal]

Robyn,

There are not many rights and wrongs now in how you grieve.  The death of a child brings out every possible emotion.  I remember seeing my son's peers at school hugging their moms and my thoughts turned to hurt and anger.  How come it was my son and not theirs.  How come they get to hug their boys and I don't?  I wasn't really mad at them and in no way did I want their children hurt.  But the thoughts and emotions are all jumbled and the hurt is so overwhelming.  Allow your emotions and thoughts without judging yourself right now.  Even C.S. Lewis (one of the most respected Christian authors of all times) doubted his perceptions of God and lashed out in anger when his wife died.  No judging right now!  Just mourning and surviving day to day....minute to minute. 

Also I would really encourage you to wait on any major decisions.  Even those involving your boyfriend.  He may be a creep.  You may ultimately decide the relationship is not good for you.  But also remember you are not thinking well the months following the loss of your son.  It is recommended that you wait a year before making any major decisions. 

I had someone tell me they had just lost their dog in response to learning my son died.  I was horrified.  How could they compare my son's death to the loss of a pet?  I was literally speechless.  Over time I have realized that for some people, a pet is the biggest loss they have known.  They can not comprehend our loss and try the best they can.  For a step mom to have lost a step son seems like a horrible loss to her.  They don't understand the difference because they have not walked in our shoes.  I hope and pray they never do.  

Please be forgiving right now to yourself especially and those around you.  The hurt has a rippling effect to all who knew Matthew.  He was such a special and amazing young man that everyone he knew has been affected be his passing. 

Hugs,

Sal

[crymsonravyn]

Thank you very much for your kind and helpful words. I have after thinking on it have decided that I am just lashing out. I am just having a very bad day today.

I am not able to pretend that all is well right now, I have been in shock for two weeks this morning was jarring I cannot hold the sadness down anymore.

[4everjoeysmom]

I agree with Sal, Robyn. You don't have to be encouraging or happy. You don't have to be anything for anyone else right now. We have all been there, felt like you do, so don't worry about any of that. I'm really sorry that this journey starts out so brutally--of course with the loss itself--but also with the horrors of waking up to terribly dark thoughts, trying to cope with a new reality in our lives, and trying to figure out what to do and how to survive it. Vent as you need to. It can save you a lot of anguish in bottled up feelings. Honestly! And no one will judge you for doing so, because we truly all understand what you are facing. We've faced it too.

Hugs and hope for brighter tomorrows in the midst of our painful journey.. Claudia

[tanmanmymagicman]

Oh my heart breaks for you; well all know the pain; THE HEATBREAK you are feeling; there is no magic pill to take to help you; you honestly just have to go through it; No ifs and's of buts's about it;  My son Tanner would of been 18 on Nov. 28, 2008; he died Aug. 7, 2007 in a auto accident;  I can honestly say I died that day also but am still here breathing but having to learn to relive and FIND myself .

I do things for myself now; I try and take better care of myself so I can deal with the loss of my son; I have always had faith; but now that's what keeps me going;

Just know you are now going on alone; it just feels like it.  Tanner was MY BABY; I had him when I was 36;  Take care of yourself; think of yourself; don't worry about others; other than your children; YOU MATTER; your son loved you; love yourself back

 

[crymsonravyn]

I guess my shell of protective shock is offically wearing away. I find myself crying more and physically aching much more. My ex husband told me thank god he was really worried about me as I am naturally an emotional person that suddenly seemed cold as ice. I do still feel that way in some respects. I am diving back into my wiccan and other such concepts to try and find the right, the good in this.

So far little has offered me solace from this never ending hell. As christmas continues to draw closer and closer so does my fear of when my actual mental and emotional collapse is going to occur. then I think maybe I am stronger than I think, maybe I won't break. Why is it that as an overemotional person three weeks ago I cried when the Ghostwhisper's husband died (the tv show) yet today when I cry for my own son the sadness does not come all at once it comes in burst?

Again I always seem to be depressing, I keep trying to help this change. I thought the good days were ahead that I would be able to acknowledge mourn and continue. I am stuck is the pain of this loss just too intense to cry the pain away.

Well back to my forced Monday of work.

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Hope noone got hurt shopping on Black Friday.

[shorty16]

Everyone,

Well, my family made it through Thanksgiving day.  We went out-of-town and when we arrived at my sister-in-laws - I cryed for almost two hours before I could even stand up to face the family.  My daughter (18) came with us and she also cried for hours.  I know it made my family uncomfortable, especially the younger ones, but I could not help it.  My pain of missing Brian is so intense, no shock left for me to cover the pain after 5 months without Brian.

There was an obvious empty seat at our dinner and I cryed then too.  When it came time to leave, I have never been so exhausted in my life.  Crying sure does zap you of your strength!. 

In my opinion, Thanksgiving was very hard, but not as hard as Brian's Birthday, not even 3 weeks after his death.  That was the second worst day of my life.

I just cannot belive the rest of my life will be like this?  Will this pain end?  Will it change into something I can handle or will I forever be crying uncontrollably at holidays?

I cry as I sit here and type this responce.  But we did make - battered, bruised and crying, but we made it.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever.

[4everjoeysmom]

Ravyn, You are only getting little bursts right now, because as you mentioned, the shock is wearing away. But even wearing away is a gradual process, allowing only bits and pieces to come at a time. It is our naturally built in protective mechanism that holds back the things that are too much for us to bear in one bite. I think back to when my son died. If I could have felt in one huge sum the totality of all that I felt and went through those couple of years after, I don't know that my body, mind heart or the combination of all could have handled it. I am serious! The shortness of breath, the actual physical pain in my chest, the panic attacks, the stages of grief--especially the anger stage--all of it. It's a lot to take in and let out all at once--impossible I think. It's a release over time. You are beginning to mourn, but it is early yet. The mourning will last for a while, and you will need to take time for yourself to allow what you feel to flow, instead of trying to suppress it. Sometimes we feel abnormal or like we are "losing it". Sometimes we feel like "if we could just get over this part". But the journey of loss, mourning, grief, recovery and healing is exactly that--a journey. It takes time to travel through the stages and it helps to know you are understood and not alone. So, keep coming and posting as it helps you. Letting it out, venting and sharing about your son--all of that is helpful at times, just to know someone out there/here cares and is listening.

You aren't alone on your journey... Hugs! ~Claudia

[shorty16]

All

I would like to inform you of 3 books that I recently read that really helped me to understand what my body, mind and spirit were going through after the death of my 16 year-old, Brian.

One book - "Beyond Tears", is a story of 9 seperate families and their stuggles to cope.  The stories vary from sudden death, to illnesses to unknown causes.  I could really relate to those that experienced a sudden death.

Another book sent to me by the Wisconsin Victims Service was "When There Are No Words."  This is a single story of a loss of 3 boys (18, 20, 21) due to boys thinking they are invinsible.  This story I could really relate to, because it involved the media and the court system.

A third book I recommend is "Left Behind - A mother's grief."  I boroughed that book from our local Compassionate Friends group.  This was also a sudden death.

Any of these books can be taken out from your local library.  Even though I have read many books, these 3 stand out for me.

Hope they help you also

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mpsmom]

Dear Annie, this is my first time on this site and I only hope I am posting correctly.  Thank you for your comments.  My only daughter died a little more than 2 months ago ( at the age of 17.5) , and I also am getting by one day at a time.  My husband, her father, and I go to grief counseling once a week, and for a short time we feel a tiny bit better about the way we are handling her sudden death.  I only hope this is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life.  I have been trying to read about life after death, and noticed that you mentioned reading everything you could get your hands on.  Could you suggest any books in particular that might help.  My daughter was wise beyond her years and always said 'she was not afraid to die, but was afraid to grow old' .....she didnt have to face that fear.  I find myself searching for a reason that God has taken her from us.  Trying to find a reason that he would put her father and myself through such a  horrible tragedy. I can't figure it out, I doubt I ever will.  I also work from home most of the time so I am able to have bad days without being forced to go 'in' to a job.  I have left her 'myspace' up and running and although I did not have her passowrd, one of her freinds has shared their password with me so I can go online and read the comment her freinds continue to post to her.  It gives me some peace to know that she continues to touch her friends....I am trying to stay 'connected' to her in any way I can.  Just reading the comments posted on this site make me realizae that everything I am going thru is totally normal and that the fact that most of my friends think ZI shoul dbe OK by now, also seems pretty normal, not very realisitc but 'they' just dont/cant understand.  thank you again.

 

 

[lolynbo]

IM SO SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER ....SHE SOUNDS LIKE MY KOURTNEY SO BRAVE...

I CRACKED KOURTNEYS MYSPACE CODE BY GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH HER YAHOO OR HOTMAIL...IT WILL GIVE YOU SEVERAL CHANCES TO PUT IN CORRECT PASSWORD, AND IF I USED ALL THE CHANCES FOR THAT DAY I TRIED IT AGAIN THE NEXT...FINALLY I GOT IT AND IT EMAILED ME TO HER YAHOO OR HOTMAIL HER PASSWORD...

I WASNT EVEN CLOSE AT GUESSING IT, I THOUGHT IT WAS HER DOGS NAME (SEVERAL DOGS) OR SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER NEW HUBBY..

IM HERE IF YOU NEED ME, MY PROFILE TELLS WHY IM HERE...

MUCH PEACE AND BLESSINGS FOR YOU

[mpsmom]

Thank you, I will see if my local library can get "left behind - a mothers grief"   I lost my 17 year old daughter to sudden death just little more than 2 months ago, and I am making myelf crazy trying to figure it all out.... we go to grief counseling once a week, but it only seems to help for  a short while.  I understand that it has not been very long since my sweet angel was taken from us, but I don't know how to help myself or my husband to get to what some people tell me is called 'a new normal"   . the holidays coming are not helping, we have decided to go away for Christmas, she was our only daughter and Christmas was a very big deal for us, so waking up here at the house on Chirstmas morning doesnt seem like a sane thing to do.  Again, thank you

[mpsmom]

Thank you, I tried cracking her hotmail account, her friends told me that her myspace got hacked so many times that she would change her password often, i have given up on trying to find her myspace password.  I am able to read her posts ( if they have not been deleted from the other party by going to her comments and then to the other persons comments, very time consuming , but it seems to help. She had all of her pictures marked as private and even her friends could not get to them, i dont know what the point of that was, but it was her own way of keeping her things to herself.  After seeing that you replied to my comment I wanted to write back right away as I saw that you were still online, I havent gone to your profile yet, I will try to do so later on.  Has it been a long time since your daughter died? 

[4everjoeysmom]

mpsmom, I am so sorry for your loss--your precious daughter. What is her name?

Something that helped me, though it was difficult, and became a kind of therapy for me, was to create a memorial web site for my son joey. When you feel up to it, take a look. You might feel inspired to make something like this, to have a place to post pictures, to journal about her life, your feelings, all kinds of things. I write to my son on his memorial site and so do his friends.

http://joey-mcconkey.virtual-memorials.com/

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you found BI. The site has been a lifesaver for me, and I have made many friends (real keepers) over the past couple of years.

Hugs,

Claudia

[mpsmom]

My gosh, that was absolutely beautiful, My daughters name is Bethany, she would have been 18 in February, what a wonderful tribute to your sons life.  I will research what it takes to set up a memorial website, she would love that.......As I type I still have your sons music playing in the background.  This must bring you so much peace.  Is it as easy as puching the button that says "set up a memorial page"  perhaps one of her computer whiz friends coul dhelp me get started with this....her my space is only available to her friends that she had accepted before she died 2 months ago.   thank you !

[mpsmom]

You were meant to contact me, after my first reply back to you i went to Joey's " broken chain" page ---the song playing in the background was the theme song from two years before my daughter died and she particiapted in a program in HS called "every 15 minutes" , the concept behind the program was that every 15 minutes a teenager dies at the hands of a drunk driver.  Bethany was thrilled to have been selected to particiapte in this program that would change so many lives in her High School, that year--two years ago, her father and I had to write her obituary, as part of the program....that song that is playing on Joey's"broken chain" page will be forever burned in my brain, I remember how difficult it was to sit down and write her obituary, even knowing it was just for this drunk driver program.....not knowing, of course that two years later she would be taken from us by sudden death, and we woul dhave to write her obituary at age 17

[4everjoeysmom]

Yes, it's as easy as that! It's free for a 2-week trial, and then if you like it and decide to keep it, you can buy a full featured memorial, (like I have) where you can add lots and lots of pages, photos--basically, whatever you want. The one time cost is $50 with that site I used, and it's well worth it. I'm getting ready to sign out for the night, but if you have questions, feel free to e-mail me too. clab2010@yahoo.com.

I just can't tell you how much comfort the site has brought to me, my family, Joey;s friends over the past couple of years. It will be around for a long, long time, and it will always be a place where we can share about Joey and "visit him" from time to time. Hope that makes sense...

Bless you, Claudia

[mpsmom]

Thank you, I will email you tommorrow.

Marcia

Bethany's mom

[lolynbo]

WE ARE COMING UP ON 6 MONTHS...SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, WE WORKED TO GETHER , HUNG AROUND TOGETHER, WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER..I MISS HER SOOOOOOOO MUCH...SHE WAS/IS AMAZING....KIND, FRIENDLY, SHY, SILLY, A CUTUP, A YOUNG GIRL, A MARRIED LADY, SHE WAS/IS ALOT OF THINGS TO ALOT OF PPL

[ethansmuffin]

Hi Colleen...

Thursday, 27 November 2008,  one month, since Ethan’s accident, it becomes more difficult to say the words…passed away, death…We prefer to call it “the accident”

 

For me, peace has become pain, joy has turned to ashes, and love is a is just a longing. I am still "in" this world, but don't feel a part "of" this world anymore. Because as hard as I try to continue and adapt to the new normal….the harder it becomes…to do that.

 

Currently we are so preoccupied with the emptiness at home and in our daily lives that we probably wouldn't notice if a fire burned our house down….Ethan still occupies our every thought – 24 hours a day – we think about him, we talk about him, we misses him…every minute of the day….You go to work, but rush home, because you are afraid something might happen (I do not know what) and that you will miss a moment.

 

By now we know that every single emotion we are going through is “normal”…..

You are more then welcome to contact me on my direct email adress: enidjohr@mweb.com.na

I need someone on this road with me

All my love

 

Enid

[ethansmuffin]

Hi Raven - what a handsome young man-he is a stunner - I am very new to this forum just as you -

I am writing to you from Africa-Namibia, My name is Enid - My 14 year old son, Ethan-Jarrod, had an accident with his quadbike on Sunday 26 October 2008 and passed away in the ICU on Monday 27 October 2008.

 

I still have two daughters and my precious husband who was with Ethan the day of the accident - they went quadbiking every sunday afternoon - to give the girls pamper time - I do not even want pamper time anymore.....

 

I am experiencing excactly what you are saying- My friends and family say I do not cry enough - but all I see is Ethan in the ICU - and the Doctor telling us he is brain dead - then my emotion bubbles to my hart or mouth or brain...and I just get so tired....I am still struggling to get out off bed....I cannot concentrate....

 

It is an indescribable pain, I move from disbelief to emptiness to anger to grief, and often even guilt, The days are counting down. But the pain increases day by day…MY LIFE AS IT WAS…IS OVER!..Its has died 07h15, Monday 27 October 2008.

I am not sure whether I believe in anything anymore. The sheer intensity of my feelings, the utter despair at losing my son, my baby.., and sometimes the intolerable physical pain I feel, all lead to a sense of numbness, I feel as if there is a deep black whole  in my soul….

 

Please forgive me if my reply to you is confusing - But here is my email adress: enidjohr@mweb.com.na

 

Please feel free to get in contact - I need a friend who knows I am not normal anymore.

 

I am so very sorry about your loss....He is so handsome.....so goodlooking....

 

Enid

[ethansmuffin]

My apologies....those 2 messages were suppose to be private, that is why I gave my private e-mail adress......but that is also fine!!

Nothing worse can happen to me know that i have posted my mail adress out there - today is my confuse...abnormal...completely nuts day!!...and I am fine with it..because I have lost my child

Greetings to all of you from Africa Namibia

Ethansmuffin

[4everjoeysmom]

Enid, I am SO SORRY you have come to know the kind of pain we all here are experiencing and have been journeying through. I am so sorry for your loss, your precious and beautiful son, Ethan. His photo--what a handsome boy. What a tragedy, and my heart just aches for you.

Don't worry about your e-mail address being out there. I and many others post ours here on this site randomly, and I don't think it has ever caused nay major problem for anyone.

All of the things you are feeling, I felt those things in those early months, and I know most if not all others have too--in just the way you've described them. It's the hardest thing I have ever faced. I can't imagine anything more difficult and painful that losing children, no matter what age.

I'm glad you found BI, and I hope you feel encouraged to "unload" here as often as you want and need to. Sometimes when we feel like no one wants to listen and everyone is uncomfortable at our speaking our child's name, this place brings such relief, because here we can just be and we can talk about our child endlessly, and no one tires or is uncomfortable. I hope you make many friends here for the journey, because the best medicine seems to be to not have to feel so isolated, alone and misunderstood along the way.

Hugs,

Claudia

[ethansmuffin]

My 14year old son, Ethan, had an accident with his quadbike on Sunday 26 October 2008 and passed away in the ICU on Monday 27 October 2008.

Oh! my what an indescribable pain!

 

Thursday, 27 November 2008,  one month, since Ethan’s accident, it becomes more difficult to say the words…passed away, death…We prefer to call it “the accident”

 

For me, peace has become pain, joy has turned to ashes, and love is a is just a longing. I am still "in" this world, but don't feel a part "of" this world anymore. Because as hard as I try to continue and adapt to the new normal….the harder it becomes…to do that.

 

Currently we are so preoccupied with the emptiness at home and in our daily lives that we probably wouldn't notice if a fire burned our house down….Ethan still occupies our every thought – 24 hours a day – we think about him, we talk about him, we misses him…every minute of the day….You go to work, but rush home, because you are afraid something might happen (I do not know what) and that you will miss a moment.

 

I am struggling to answer this question...How are you?....Are you fine? Are you ok…Well I don’t know how I am….I think this is how I want to answer

 

Please allow me to share this poem with you:

 

 

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,

Unless you have lost your child too,

Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,

Because that is just not true,

Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,

Though it is true, I want him here with me,

Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,

Beyond today I cannot see,

Don’t tell me it is time to move on,

Because I cannot,

Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,

Because denial is something I can't stop,

Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,

Because I wanted more,

Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,

I'll never be as I was before,

What you can tell me is you will be here for me,

That you will listen when I talk of my child,

You can share with me my precious memories,

You can even cry with me for a while,

And please don't hesitate to say his name,

Because it is something I long to hear everyday,

Friend please realize that I can never be the same,

But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

Enid from Namibia

 

 

[lagrangel]

Enid,

What a handsome son. I am so sorry for your loss.... WE all know your pain and how difficult it is even to breathe at this time in your journey. I made it to 16 months since the loss of our son and I had to take it minute by minute the first several months. When I could move past the minutes I took it day a by day. I know you feel like your life has ended and you want to wake up from this horrible nightmare. How do you live without your son? This road is such a up and down journey. My sanity was my work, my husband, friends and coming to BI often during the first year. You will find so many you can talk to here when you cannot explain your feelings and hurt to noone else. We are here for you...... I love the poem....    Love Lana

[mikesmum]

Enid - Its been 21 months since my son Micheal left and I still can't bear the word "died".  Your poem....so much about this journey that still rings true each day.

Your boy looks, as so many do, vibrant, handsome and very much loved.

I wish you peace and strength as you embark on this journey.  So fresh so raw...it does find a place that allows you eventually to take a breath with minimal pain.  Till then - be kind to yourself, take it one breath, one step at a time........

Trudi

[crymsonravyn]

First let me say Enid, thank you for sharing your poem. You have yet to know my story, a summary as it is getting harder each day to say, is on November 14, 2008 my 18 year old son died in a car accident and much like everyone year my new life began. Your poem demonstrates my own feelings very well.

Second, I apologize for my own absence these last few days I have experienced a range of emotions that I did not think possible. My protective barrier is peeling away. I experience a level of sadness that rendered me into feeling as though I was giving birth to my son all over again but the sobs and screams were inaudible except is small stifled squeaks. My body would go stiff with pain like a contraction of my soul then I would be okay for a few moments and the wave would come again. What is worse is I fear that this will not yet be the worse I have felt. I am scared that I may not come out of this with much sanity. The feeling I had set me on the brink of the padded white room.

 

Enid, I am so sorry for you hurt and I hope and wish to be here for you. Thank you for everyone on this forum.

[lolynbo]

I LOVE THE POEM, DID YOU WRITE IT YOURSELF...BOY DOES THAT SUM IT UP!

[mpsmom]

Thank you all for being there and having the energy to post everyday, I find comfort in knowing that this journey will someday take me to a place where life may not hurt so much.  This is our first Christmas without my sweet baby, I cannot bear to wake up in my home on Christmas morning without her, my husband and I have decided to go away for the 3 days, Christmas Eve, Chirstmas Day, and then my birthday.  I don't know that it will be better or worse but Christmas morning has always been such a big deal and all about her, Our only child---I hope it will hurt less if we are not home.  Then I worry that she won't know where we are , should she want to 'be' with us.  I know that sounds silly, but I miss her so much that my mind goes in all directions most of the day.....It is upsetting that I feel i will never know or understand why she was taken from us at such a young age (17). 

[mpsmom]

I would like to post a poem that was written by my daughter and posted on her myspace by her before she died.  it has been copied and pasted to many of her friends myspace pages in memory of her. 

Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realize your friend wasn't ever really your friend, and that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realize that all along you've been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this, you do that. You really wish you hadn't done that. You learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You look at others and wish you were them. You then realize who they are and are glad that you're you. You love life. You hate life. In the end, you just find yourself happy to be living life, no matter what's thrown at you. 

 

 Thank you for letting me share this with you all. 

[lolynbo]

MPSMOM,

SHE WILL FIND YOU WHERE EVER YOU ARE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING...CAN YOU IMAGINE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH "CHRIST" WOW, WHAT A MORNING OUR BABIES HAVE THERE...

IM PRAYING FOR YOU, SHE IS BEAUTIFUL SO BEAUTIFUL

[4everjoeysmom]

Marcia, Bethany's poem is beautiful! I would frame that. It's kind of strange...but it almost sounds like it could have been written for you... On this journey you will have ups and downs, and you will realize who are and are not "friends". You may even wish you could be someone else to not have this pain... But as it turns out, we do come to a point when we cherish every moment we had and realize that life is richer because they were here, for however long or short.

God bless you, Friend.

Love, Claudia

[ethansmuffin]

Hi all my new and dearest friends

Yes it is getting harder and more difficult - today it is 1 month and 10 days since Ethan's accident - we still suffer a lot...the girls are now starting to miss him terribly - his dad is not well...and me..I am doing the mom thing....I have my girlfriends (God bless them) who brings around dinner and just come and sit with us - the other day day I said to them...come help me cry!!..I am tired of crying....

We will spent the holidays with lots of family in a coastal town, because we have a family reunion (every second year)...Ethan was so exicited about the reunion...he was looking forward to see his cousins and nieces and nephews again....i am on the reunion commitee....and I owe it to my son to go....I am thinkink of having something special in his memory...ANY IDEAS??...We have printed very nice t-shirts - for his funeral which all his friends and cousins and school pals wore that day...I was thinking of doing something similar....just a bit funky and cool....because I know he will be there with us....He was loved by all.....and he was always the centre of attention....just because he was so bubbly...and jokey....and funny....

Thank you so much for your support.....Claudia, Marcia...and all off you....Claudia I visited you son's memorial website....What an awesome way to honour him.....He is such a handsome youngman -.....I have 2 stunning daughters...I would have excepted him as a son in law at the/with the  blink of an eye....*smile*.....Marcia - I have responded to your mail...thankyou for writing to me - I love you people so much....You are in my thoughts daily....All my love Ethansmuffin - Enid

[4everjoeysmom]

Enid, You're so sweet! Thanks for your kind words about Joey and the memorial site. I built it so that people who love Joey can have a "sacred place" to go and remember him. It has helped so many, and it seems to have inspired many others who have just happened upon it. Can't beat that!

I tend to dive deeper into mission projects during the holidays. It helps to take the focus off of me and what I am missing and shifts the focus onto blessing others who have less than I--which is very little. I've super-scaled sown my life and things since leaving the US to come into missions with my hubby, in Ecuador. Being removed from family certainly is difficult, but during the holidays maybe a little easier at times--mainly because all the things that would be in my face reminding e Joey isn't here are more at a distance. It's a Catch-22, really. Many of us on this site have discussed how much we do "alternative" things to get through the holidays--namely skipping the traditions of old. Maybe in time we can get "back to it" and it won't hurt so badly, but in the meantime w2e just do what we have to do to carry on.

I'm really glad you are making connections here. That is what helped me so much through the darkest of hours, days, weeks, and months. Your shock hasn't really had time to wear off, so just know we're here to lean on whenever you need.

Love & Hugs,

Claudia

[arc4ever]

The poem your daughter wrote is beautiful.  I too lost my only child, Adam.  He was 16 years old and died as a result of injuries he sustained in an auto accident.  He was driving to school, we think he may have dozed off.  He hit a dump truck headon.  Managed to survive the accident, but never regained consciousness.  Like you and your husband, my husband and I are leaving town for three days for Christmas, Dec. 23, 24 and 25 and return home on the 26th.  We are staying at a cabin in the hills.  I had a sudden fear last week that they would have a Christmas tree set up in the cabin, so I called the facility and yes, they have trees set in each cabin.  I asked if they would kindly remove the tree prior to our arrival, and they have agreed to do so.  The loss of any child is the deepest loss.  The loss of an only child leaves us with nothingness.  No graduation, no college, no marriage for our children, no grandchildren for us.  The loneliness can be unbearable.  Please feel free to email me anytime and tell me more about your daughter, I would love to hear from you.  I will keep you and your husband and your daughter in my prayers.  tlcarter165@aol.com

[lolynbo]

IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS....WE TOO HAVE LOST OUR DAUGHTER OF A 7 MONTH AND 2 DAY BATTLE WITH CANCER...BUT SHE NEVER KNEW SHE WAS IN A FIGHT TIL IT GOT HER JUST WEEKS AFTER WE FOUND IT...(READ MY PROFILE)

 I HAVE 2 OTHER CHILDREN...AND PPL SAY "WELL DONT YOU HAVE MORE KIDS"""''

I WANNA SAY "YES, BUT I DONT HAVE A SPARE KOURTNEY STUPID"...NO ONE OR NOTHING MAKES UP FOR MY EMPTYNESS...NO ONE....

WE ALSO ARE GOING AWAY BUT ARE LEAVING THE 26TH WE ARE JUST GOING TO GO TO DALLAS AND SEE THE KING TUT EXHIBIT AND JUST HANG AROUND WITH OUR SON...HE IS 16..AND SOON WILL BE DRIVING ALONE.....AND IM SOOOO SCARED BUT I JUST HAVE TO TRUST GOD...BUT IM NOT LETTING HIM DRIVE TO SCHOOL, THERE IS A VERY VERY BAD ROAD BETWEEN OUR HOME AND HIS SCHOOL, AND THEY ARE FIXING TO REDO IT, SO UNTIL IT IS REDONE HE MAY DRIVE TO WORK AND IN TOWN...OUR OTHER DAUGHTER HAS TOO WORK AND IS UNABLE TO GO WITH US TO DALLAS, BUT WILL COME IN FOR CHRISTMAS

IM PRAYING FOR YOU AND ALL OF US ON HERE....GODS GOTTA HELP US THROUGH THIS WE HAVE ALL SUFFORD SO MUCH..

[mpsmom]

Thank you for reminding me of that quote, My daughter was already gone by the time the hospital called me to "come right away".  I did not want to go in to see her (body) until her father arrived... I knew her soul had left her body hours ago, but when he and I did go in together to see her, she was so sweetly sleeping, she was beautiful.   After the autopsy, my girlfriend offered to he help with her hair and makeup, as the funeral home in our small community was not 'in tune' with teenagers and how fussy they are.  When I first saw her at the funeral home, it broke my heart and I remember screaming, "that's not my daughter", oh my God no!!!!!!!!!!'     She had no expression, no sparkle, she was truly gone...... It took me about a minute regain my composure and then my "mommy mode" took over,    My sweet baby, we had to work to prepare her for her final party, she had to be perfect, her hair, her nails, her makeup... and when my girlfriend and i were finished with all the details, which included having to find a way to hide her full autopsy scars, which were hard for me to look at, initially, she was a perfect angel.  The day of her services , she was a beautiful angel, the sparkle in her eyes and her 'apple' cheeks from her beautiful smile were not there, but other that --she was my sleeping baby again, for everyone to say their goodbyes to.  We had a hard time deciding right up until the morning of the services whether or not to do open casket ... I could not bear not to see her as long as I possible could and to allow her friends to see her one more time. Several of her friends told me after the fact how beautiful she was , and that they were initially scared to go up and say goodbyt but after seeing her 'sleeping' they were able to stay longer and say a proper goodbye at her casket.   I am going to copy this and post it also in the 'loss of a teenager' as I know some people dont read all the posts and that is really the place I should be posting.  My heart goes out to all of you, thank you for you help!!

Marcia 

[lolynbo]

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER WAS A TRUE FRIEND LIKE KOURTNEY...THEY REALLY ARE HARD TO  FIND...

I KINDA WIGGED OUT YESTERDAY AND DID SOMETHING THAT IS TOTALLY NOT "LORRI" (ME)

ONE OF MY SO CALLED FRIENDS (WHO KNEW KOURTNEY WAS ILL BUT NEVER EVER HAS ASKED HOW SHE IS/WAS DOING)..WELL SHE EMAILED ME A EMAIL FORWARD TYPE THING...AND I RESPONDED "THANKS FOR ASKING MY DAUGHTER DIED IN JUNE, THANKS FOR THINKING OF ME"

SHE WROTE BACK..."I WAS WONDERING HOW SHE WAS, I GUESS IF I'D EMAILED OR CALLED I WOULD HAVE KNOWN SORRY..." OK SO ANOTHER FRIEND BITES THE DUST...

A CUZIN OF MINE EMAILED ME THE OTHER DAY...(FIRST TIME SINCE FUNERAL) AND SAID "LORI, (SPELLED WRONG,,,COME ON NOW) I DONT NO WHAT TO SAY, JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A GREAT THANKSGIVING"

WHAT EVER.....

I HAVE MY O (CIRCLE OF FRIENDS) AND I KNOW I CAN COUNT ON THEM...AND FAMILY

OK IM DONE FOR NOW....;0 SORRY FOR RANTING...I JUST HOPE IM A BETTER FRIEND THEN MOST PPL

[arc4ever]

Lorri,  I, like you, and probably many others have lost the people we thought were our friends since the loss of our children.  I just don't get it, I really don't. I know we are different people, but we are still people and a little compassion would be nice.  Why is it they don't call, I swear I feel like they think it is "catching" to lose a child that if they get too close they can't stand the reality of knowing someone who actually lost a child because that means it really does happen to real people not just people on the news.  I have a friend I talked to every day before my son's passing on March 25, 2008.  I have received a call from her I think three times since March 25th.  She came to my son's birthday on November 1st and said "you know I am here for you if you need anything" Yeah, I need something I can't have the most important thing I need, but I also need a friend and the people I thought were my friends are not there.  But, I must say I am lucky. I do have a few girlfriends who are there for me who listen to me and who cry with me.  My husband and I also have a group of friends that we barely knew before losing Adam.  That group has become our close friends they call us all the time, they invite us to functions, we have a Tuesday night dinner group that meets at each other's houses on Tuesday.  They have sooo stepped up to the plate for us and they don't wince when we mention Adam's name, they don't try to change the subject when we talk about him and most of them didn't even know Adam.  You just don't know who will be there for you.  I hope you all have someone there for you that listens and is helpful.  That is my wish for all of you this oh so difficult holiday season.

[shorty16]

To all my BI friends,

This is our first Christmas without my 16 year old son, Brian.  This week, I proceeded to put all my Christmas decorations in a small room under our stairs.  I must say, it feels really good to not have to deal with any decorations.  I just cannot handle any of it now.

We leave for Miami Beach is 12 days.  I cannot bear to wake up in my house on Christmas morning without one of my children.  To think last year was our last christmas as a family is a sad and overwhelming feeling.

I went to my company Christmas party this weekend and I felt like a spot-lite was on me the entire time.  "That is the lady who lost her son to car-surfing" is what I felt they were saying about me.  Why do I feel like I am the center of very bad attention.

I am reading many posts concerning how we learn who our friends are after a tragedy like this.  It is so true.  The company I work for is very large.  News travels fast.

Thanks to all my BI friends for being there.  Thinking of you

Colleen Brian's Mom Forever

 

[mpsmom]

Lorri, I know exactly how you feel...... .One of my husbands relatives who flew out for our daughters services, started sending me e-mail jokes three weeks later.  I wrote her back and said   " I am not up for jokes, please don't send anymore"   Like you said another one bites the dust.   I fully agree with the post right before mine( I had this all typed out and tried to use spell check when it erased my entire 'blog'   Oh well....anyway, yes I think my best friend who has only one (teenage) daughter thinks this is contagious, she emails and askes about 'doing lunch' .... last week she said maybe we could go Christmas shopping and meet for lunch, I told her I wasnt doing Christmas this year, but lunch would be great......havent heard back from her.... There should be a place where we could all relocate to, a place where all us understood what the other was going thru and we could support each other, I suppose this is that  place... sometimes just  a hug from a friend would be nice.....how can they not know what we re going through?   Yes Bethany and Kourtney have certainly met by now and are friends....have comfort in the fact that she is the kind of friend you raised your daughter to be.

Marcia

[mpsmom]

To all of your wonderful mothers out there, that continue to hold my hand, does anyone ever participate in the Thursday night 'chat'?  Is is a call in chat or and IM chat room? 

Marcia