Why Do I Have To Be The Strong One?

[cassies]

Since my baby passed away Oct. 8,2008 I have been the strong one holding our family together. After Tanner lost his battle of E Coli we had to admit his brother Cooper to the hospital with the same condition. So me and my husband had to stop grieving for Tanner and be there for his 3 year old brother. I made the necessary phone calls informing people of our sons death and my husband stayed with Coop. The day after Tanner passed I went home and started preparing for Tanner's funeral. Don't get me wrong I had my dad, mother in law, brother in law, and best friend holding my hand every step of the way, but I made the arrangements. The funeral home director even commented to me that I was the first parent he had seen in all of his years of buisness to be "holding it together". I still have been "holding it together" for 7 months. I have to be the shoulder to all of the friends and family who tell me how much their life has changed since my son had died. I don't mind being that person, but after every encounter I come home wondering why their life is more different than mine. He was my son, not theirs. Don't get me wrong Tanner was a big part of lots of people's lives. But I feel like I can't express my feelings to anyone (except my husband) and they end up telling me how bad of week they had cause Tanner was on their mind. I love talking about Tanner, but it's so hard to do now without the support I thought I should have. It makes me angry when this happens. And my husband tells me Tanner brightened everyone's life. I tell him I know but he doesn't see it my way I guess. I get 5 minutes a day for "Tanner Time" and it while driving to work. After that I am a wife, mom, teacher, daughter, sister, daughter in law, sister in law, and aunt. Why me? I want so much to yell at the top of my lungs I miss my son and get the response of I am sorry, here is my shoulder to cry on. I am sorry I am babbling but I had to get this off of my chest.

Cassie

(Tanner's Mom)

[lolynbo]

CASSIE WE JUST HURT SO BAD AND SO DEEP NO ONE UNDERSTANDS...NOT EVEN THE DADS I THINK NOT REALLY CUZ WE ARE THE MOMMAS WE DO FIX THINGS AND HOLD THINGS TOGETHER..THATS OUR JOB AND WHEN WE CANT...WE HURT WORSE..

HANG ON,,,WERE ALL ON THE ROPE WITH U

[bjsmom]

Cassie (Tanner's mom)- Tanner is so beautiful & my heart aches for your loss. I too want to scream sometimes! I did my best to be the strong one during the funeral, but it seems my sons side of the family wanted to help with the preparations. I was more a puppet, everything was blurry & i barely remember anything. How did i make it, how did i survive it; this is what i ask myself now. Afterwords i went back to work within 2 weeks. Everyone was nice, but NO ONE would really talk to me about what i needed to talk about; MY SON! I would work all day, then find myself crying on the drive home. This happened every day. It was as if i was being disloyal to my son by not speaking his name, not talking about him as if the subject were taboo. Because of my struggles at work, but mainly because i could not "take this" anymore, i soon quit my job to stay home with my 2 younger boys. I NEEDED this time, i NEEDED to be as close as i could be, to my family. We are sacrificing much, with the economy the way it is, but to me it is worth everything to be near them. You have been the strong one during all this pain & heartbreak, maybe it is YOUR TIME to share this pain with others. You need & want to talk about your son, that is what all us parents need so much. Our hearts yearn to tell their life story, to make them as much a part of our ongoing life now, as they were before. Take time for yourself, do what you must. Do this for you & little Tanner.

Deneace (BjsMom)

[ericasmom]

Cassie, what a beautiful Son Tanner is, will always be. I am sorry that the role everyone expects you to continue is that of the shoulder for them. You may have to take that role and toss it. You are naturally this way and when the shock of your Boy hit, you took over as you probably do in your life. This happened somewhat to me as well, it is hard for me to accept the help of others, like to do it myself.

Have you gone to therapy or joined a group to discuss this with, besides this site? A therapist may be able to direct you to the language you may need to let folks know that you are no longer the listening post for their sorrow, that in fact, you need to talk about Tanner. Or maybe the next time you are in a room with the folks that use you as the strong one, you can begin talking about your Boy and let them know what this loss has felt like for you. I do think however, that people that love us and know us, are used to our roles in life and seem to have a hard time seeing you differently. It is okay for you to say; " I have had a very hard time lately in my loss."

Good luck to you Cassie, I am so sorry for the loss of Tanner. Peace out,

dee

[mikesmum]

Cassie - I wonder if in someway were are conditions to be the emotionally strong sex.   One thing my psych told me was I was my own worst enemy.  I always 'presented well'.  I kept it together and continued for a time as everyone's someone. 

I made people uncomfortable and I ended up modifying my grief to accomodate them.

Truly, you need to be Tanners mum and grieve for him your way.  There is no timeframe, no blueprint and most definitely no way around it. 

I found I had to stop being all things and just take on what I could handle.

Your Tanner is beautiful - Am so glad Cooper is okay.

Come often and talk about your boys - always here........

[cassies]

Thank you guys for all of the comments. I know all of you are struggling just as much as I am. Its hard to think of this weekend as a sad time. I keep telling myself that I need to think of Tan for who he was and all of the happy memories we have of him. I should be blessed that I got to spend 21 months with him then none at all. Hope you can get through this weekend. I will be thinking about all of you.

Best wishes,

Cassie