Looking for someone who understands

[missingkevin]

Hello all.  I found this site nearly 3 years ago after losing my 19 y/o son.  I don't even remember what I wrote back then but I'm sure it was angry!  Gosh, it's so painful to even try to dredge up those initial feelings of loss.  The fact is that I think I've avoided this site for just that reason, to avoid those feelings. 

I think I've done well on my grief journey, at least that's what I tell myself and let those around me think.  The truth is I think I'm stuck.  Time seems to have just stopped.  I go to work and occasionally socialize but I just feel numb and have no desire to really interact with anyone.  Oh, I do a good job of playing the part but the truth is that I really don't care. 

Since losing my son I can't bear to be alone with my thoughts!  It may sound silly but I have the hardest time doing mundane tasks such as putting the clothes away or cleaning the kitchen.  I must have the television on, music playing, something... anything!  Sometimes in the shower I get so lost in my thoughts that I forget if I've washed my hair or not!  I laugh at myself but seriously, I wonder if this is normal or if I'm avoiding dealing with the pain. 

Anyway, I just wanted to share and see if anyone else feels the way I do after 3 very long years of grief.  My heart goes out to all of you!

Thank you.

[lolynbo]

IM ONLY 11 MONTHS INTO THIS NEW HELL, BUT THIS WEBPAGE OF LOSS OF ADULT CHILDREN HAS HELPED ME...I STILL GET DOWN AND DEPRESSED BUT THESE PPL ARE PRETTY GOOD AT PULLIN ME BACK UP...

GLAD/SAD YOUR BACK BUT WE ARE ALL HERE IF YOU NEED US

[mikesmomrs]

Kevin's mom:  I am going on three years, as of Oct 14, this year, and I can tell you that your feelings are perfectly normal.  Please come to the Loss of Adult Child site and you will find many people ready to offer comfort and support, understanding and their thoughts about this journey that will help you in these moments of pain.  I am so very sorry for your loss, and do hope that you will reach out to us as we all truly understand what you are going through.

love and peace,  carol   mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Kevin's mom - Its just on 28 months and while the world has continued and I have stepped out into it by travelling there remains that part of me frozen to that date in January 2007.  It altered me completely and changed forever my perceptions.

Please know that where you are and what you are feeling is what they call 'a normal reaction to an abnormal situation'.

Please come to the Loss of an Adult child.  As you can see from previous posts here there are many that share your experience.

Take Care - Trudi

[bjsmom]

Hello Kevin's mom, my son was also 19 & it is 6 months today since he died in a car wreck. I know that i am new to this so called journey from hell but i am experiencing the same feelings you have described. The shower, staying in there for who knows how long just thinking, then i cannot remember what i have washed. I never know what day it is, seems i'm always a day behind. I went back to work afterwords, then eventually just quit my job. I could not stay focused at all & was crying on the drive to & from work. The people at work were all kind, just never mentioned my son. Denial does not comfort the pain, at least it's this way for me. Now, 6 months later, i find that i have to get out & try my best to just live, daily. This has been extremely difficult for me. We live in a small town, everyone knew my son & knows only what they read in the papers. Everything is so hard now, everything is so draining. Even the little stuff, like washing clothes, is a 2 week chore now. I cannot seem to get ahold of life, cannot seem to catch up on anything. I have 2 small boys & because of them i cannot give up. I take them to ball games & see the people & do what i must. But really, i want to be at home, where i feel safe & secure & with my sons presence most of all. Some say life will get better, get easier. Not really sure about this, just think that time passes but you will always have that void. The void of your heart knowing that your child, the child you carried & gave birth to & loved their entire life, is not physically with you any longer. How can we ever fully get over that loss? Life is incomplete now, everythings forever changed. I just try to make it...

I hope in time you will come back & share more about your handsome son. I did not post for awhile, then i felt that i had so much to say; about my sons life, about my feelings. For me, i have no one to talk to, no one that wants to hear about this particular subject. This site is wonderful! Everyone truly KNOWS the feelings, the heartwrenching pain & loss. My thoughts are with you & Kevin, Deneace (BjsMom)

[missingkevin]

thank you to all of you who replied!  it's still hard for me to come to this site and read your stories.  I guess that's my biggest problem, just keeping those emotions tucked away somewhere, like the boxes of Kev's things that I can't bear to open. 

It does help to know there are others out there who understand!  Thank you so much!

[mikesmum]

The beauty of this site is there is no timeline to be adhered to.  Unpacking boxes is like sharing stories of our children, we do it when we feel able. 

Reading the stories of those who are here I found gave me a sense that this is the one place I can speak of Mike, his passing, his life and where I am at any given time of any day.

I hope you continue here - When you can and if you are able open the smallest box first and share Kevin with us if you can....Most of all take care - Trudi

[missingkevin]

Thank you Trudi!  your kind words brought tears to my eyes.  I will share more about my son Kevin in time.  I'm feeling comfortable here and it's a good feeling 

 

~Christina (Kevin's mom)

[reniena]

It's been 4 years for me and I have similiar issues. I lost my son to SIDS. Gary was 14 weeks old. I still have panic attacks. I still have problems concentrating, joking, sleeping. Sometimes I turn everything off sit in the silence and cry. Nothing about losing a child is normal so it's hard for our reactions to be. Stay strong. We are here for you.

[tanmanmymagicman]

Denace, sorry I have not got back to you...sent you a message and as usual it said it could not be delivered.......I will write to everyone soon.  This graduation stuff and the scholarship award is KICKING my butt........and has set me back..........But real quick I will tell you one thing; a sunflower; a BIG sunflower out of nowhere grew in our front planter right in front of Tanner's room; NOW this sunflower is starting to bloom and it does not face the street it faces straight to the middle of Tanner's room; I will take it as a sign from my Tanner to be happy(even though I am sad and lonely) I chose to see and be aware of all signs around me.  Bless you......I feel so bad for you; so new on this grief it so damn hard and unfair; and sureal and why my 16 year old? why our family?????this can't be real? How is life going on without him......I know our family is but none of us our the same; my bigest worry is my 21 year old daughter; so close to her brother; it scares me; she has a good head on her shoulders and I know she knows it would kill me if something happen to her.  It would not kill me I would KILL myself and I know God would understand...........Lonely tonight as usual; picture in the paper of my husband and I giving Tanner's scholarship ; what an unexpected honor;  I looked pretty sad and so did my husband; I will do anything to honor my son and keep his memory alive; I do not look at pictures anymore like I did in the beginning as I could not get enough/ now everyone thinks they need to give me pictures of Tanner when he was in school; it hurts like heck ; but I say oh how cute was my Tanner and then tuck the picture away.......Blessings to everyone..........My family is here.....Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama

[heartbeataway]

Kevin's Mom,

Please join us in the Loss of Adult Child forum.  We are life lines to each other and you will find that the journey gets softer with time.  It will never end just as our love and our hopes and dreams will never end.  You have come to the right place for understanding and comfort.

You will survive!

Bonnie

[lostwoher]

What is this all about? Seems to be more like spam to me.

Emotions well expressed and well written...may you find your happy life soon.

Telephone Triage

[azsummer2003]

I understand how you feel. I posted this on a different thread, but it appears to be more appropriate for this thread.

"It's been nearly five years and I feel as if I've gotten as far as I can go in my "Journey."  I suppose maybe it's different for us those child just up and died unexpectedly. There was no time for goodbyes, no saying goodbye in our own way, no coming to terms with it, no savoring the last moments. Nothing, nada, zilch.

Not that saying goodbye makes it any easier, we all know that. What of those who have lost their only child? I don't think I'd survive that.  I still have one living.  Yet I still feel so jipped. I feel so angry still that he wasn't saved because a fireman prevented a rescue - WHY?  We've been told to sue - for what? To drag our emotions through the court system for a couple of bucks? No thank you. I want my son back please.

Funny that I say that, like it's even possible.  Nearly five years. And you know what? I can't really remember what his voice sounded like. I can't remember his hugs, or his smell. I can't even remember his smile.  I have videos, but I'm deathly afraid of looking, for fear I may end up back at step one. 

I've written a book but I can't finish it.  I don't have a happy ending. I haven't come to terms with his death. (Do we ever? I've heard it's possible, but I just don't believe it.) I don't have any advice on how to make it better. It's as if you come to a point in your life when you just can't feel anymore. You become numb, your memory fades and you no longer feel much of anything.

Am I depressed? No, I'm just telling it like it is. Is it better than the gut wrenching cries of pain that you experience the first year? Absolutely. It's dulled, but with the dulling of the pain comes a new set of emotions. I haven't told anyone I feel this sad at times. I'm the "rock" in the family and I think that if I ever fell apart, my entire family would crumple.

*sigh*

I don't even know why I just posted what I said. I guess because I feel as though the whole world expects me to "be over it" and after a while, people (friends & family) don't bother to go to the website (http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com) nor do they bother to mention his name.  It makes me so sad that our children are so easily forgotten. I suppose out of sight out of mind has a lot to do with it.  I do understand, and I don't expect people to talk about Taylor all the time. But maybe a, "How are you doing?" once in a while would be nice....

Thank god for these forums. Keep coming back here, year after year after year. These are the only places with people who truly understand. Hopefully those of us who have been walking this path for a while can guide the newbies with a gentle tug. I'm so sincerely sorry that anyone has to experience the loss of a child. No matter what the circ**stance, it is never easy. I don't care if you have 10 kids, the death of one leaves a gapping hole that even time can't heal.

Anyway, it gets better, but "better" is subjective."