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Introduction to the past few years


Durton1983

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Durton1983

Hi All

 

I thought it would be useful to introduce my story from the past few years, in the hope that there might be someone out there who might be able to relate to some of my experiences, or perhaps offer some thoughts..

 

I am 32 and live in the UK. I am married with a wife and nearly 2 year old daughter. Life has been a bit up and down the past few years- perhaps best if I outline the things that have gone on.

 

In 2010, we got married in the August, and days later (whilst on our Honeymoon) my Grandmother passed away, at a good age of 87, after a few years of dementia. Not a good time, especially for my dad, who found it hard seeing his mum gradually fade away from the person she once was. In time, this became easier to deal with, and I got to a point where I realised that it was a blessing in a way that she was no longer suffering, and we had good memories of her and how loving she was to us all.

 

A couple of years later, in 2012, my wife and I lost a baby at 21 weeks, finding out on the scan that the baby had passed away, and my wife had to give birth to a still but very beautiful and perfect little girl. A real mixture of emotions, as we were delighted at the prospect of a child, but had to deal with the hurt and devastation this kind of loss brings to life.

 

Later that year in September my 86 year old grandfather was suddenly diagnosed with Cancer, after a rapid weight loss and surgery for gall stones. We saw him a few times up to his death- he was a very loving man who was passionate about his family. So it was the loss of grandad coupled with supporting mum, who had lost her Dad.

 

Fast forward to June last year. My mum and dad were on a cruise abroad when I had a phone call early one morning from my mum- very upset to tell me that Dad had had a Cardiac arrest in his sleep- and passed away at 58 years old. Dad was a very healthy guy, vegetarian, didn't drink or smoke and exercised regularly. This shouldn't have happened. His father had a heart attack and died at the age of 54, but that was in 1974 when people perhaps didn't watch what they were eating etc?

 

I apologise to summarise the above so quickly, but I have suddenly found myself having to deal with a seemingly regular occurrence of these things happening. I have been supporting my wife following the loss of our first child, supporting my mum on the loss of Dad, and have found, that whilst this has been going on, my grief has been stored up- I am unable to cry and feel I have little in the way of people to talk to. I don't know any friends who have lost a parent yet, and none of them as far as I am aware have lost a child.

 

I have struggled with work over the last few years and stress. I decided to go self employed last year following the death of my dad as I need to start looking after my own stress levels (Dad used to get stressed in his line of work, so we do think this had a bearing on things).

 

I have had some counselling and have been to a local support group, but I am feeling pretty isolated and lacking energy for most things. Can anyone relate to some of my points above? Some of the above are pretty natural- in old age etc- but I have written it all out to show the combined effect of things that have happened. Has anyone got any tips to start getting more energy going again- and being able to live (and move forward) with the loss? Are there any other people of a similar age in the UK that have lost parents, and who would be willing to talk, or find it useful?

 

Thank you in advance,

 

Durton83

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Hi Durton83,

I am very sorry about the losses you've had to deal with in such as short time. I had a similar round of tragedies and losses a few years back, but I have regrouped and things are going well. 

 

Have you had your heart checked out? Apparently, heart problems run in your family, and that is one thing you can do to help prevent your children from losing you too early. 

 

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Sometimes, when we don't eat right or get enough sleep, we feel drained and tired. It's harder to heal if we let ourselves become run down. Have you talked with your doctor or counselor about exercise? Exercise is a known CURE for depression because it releases the necessary brain chemicals to make you feel good. Plus, when you exercise, you have more energy (weird how it works, but it does). 

 

Hopefully, you will be able to connect with others your age here that will be able to offer you support and encouragement. We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

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sad&lonely

Hi, sounds like you have had a tough time recently, I'm very sorry to hear of your loss of your grandparents a unborn child and your dad.

I lost my dad 3 years ago to MND, it was a very cruel time watching him deteriorate in front of our eyes. Then just over 1 month ago my mum died very suddenly.

I have a partner and a son, yet I still feel very alone. I'm 35, with no parents, its hard.. Very hard, but I know my mum wouldn't want me being sad.

Take time to griev for your loss, time is a good healer. Focus on the good things. Enjoy your life and let the memories of those gone live on on your heart.

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Durton1983

Thank you both,

 

I am very sorry to hear of your losses- losing both parents too must be terrible. I can't understand what that must be like; one is bad enough. 

 

I really appreciate your replies. I had a load of tests last year as a precaution, blood pressure, ECG, ie24 hour ECG, treadmill ECG and also an Echoscan of my heart, all is fine so far- I have also been put on annual blood pressure and Cholesterol checks, so far fine. It does worry me, and I have kind of got into the mind set I might only live another 20 years.. 

 

I have lost quite a bit of weight (2stone) since Dad's passing, I wasn't overweight but a bit of loss was a good thing- I do need to get out doing more stuff though, I think it is the lack of enthusiasm and drive which really isn't helping things. My work is very quiet at the moment too, which mentally is a challenge. 

 

It sounds really selfish, but I feel I have used up most of my energy looking after other people- mainly my wife and my mum- and my grief went on hold.. I still don't really believe it has happened, which probably sounds crazy? Why does everyone avoid people who have lost someone? A lot of my dad's old friends now dont contact my mum to see how she is, and it seems there is little understanding to our / her situation. It is like people are frightened of the situation etc...

 

 

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sad&lonely

I know what you mean about people avoiding you, when my dad died he was very ill so we knew his days were numbered, after he passed we received a lot of sympathy, but when mum went, no illness no signs no nothing just dead.. Everybody seemed to avoid us, like it was something not to be spoken about. Weird!!

I also have been the shoulder to lean on for the remaining family, I took charge of all funeral arrangements all mums finances etc, that seems to have consumed a lot of my time and when the funeral day arrived and the cars arrived etc, that's when it hit me..

You do need to take charge of your own grieving, let it happen. Take time to gather your thought about everything you have gone through.

Easier said than done I know.

X

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