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mishty

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I  just joined this group today.  I lost my 24 year old son on Sept. 14 2008.  He was found in bed by his roommate.  The autopsy concluded cardiac arythium. 

I guess I was looking to talk with other parents.  It has been very isolating.  Even my own family can not understand the depth of my pain.  My son Stephen was my whole heart.  We have always been so close.  At first I was numb and kind of going thru the motions.  Lately I seem to be either very angry or completely on my knees sobbing in his laundry basket.   I have read some of the members postings and I can relate to feeling isolated.  Some of the things that have been said to me about his passing have caused incrediable pain.  Only other parents can truly understand what I am going thru.  I want to honor my son's life by being the best I can be.  But honestly I don't know who I am anymore.  I am totally lost.  Thank you for listening.  Stephens forever Mom

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Hi, Stevensmom! My name is Mary and I lost my son, Drew, on November 13, 2008. He was also the world to me. He had everything going for him in his life, except a girlfriend, which broke his heart. He was finished with college, working allot and a family that adored him. He broke my heart and his sister and dads heart, too. We were a very close family (or, so I thought). He was always my "bubbie"! I still cry every day. I am so lost without him coming home to join us for our activities. I find it really hard to not think about him constantly. I have tried counseling, Compassionate Friends, this BB forum and I have even formed a national group of parents that have lost children that were ~ Drew's age. The best thing that I have found is the friend's that I have met nationally. On days that I am very down, I call them and vice versa. If you would like to join us, please do. I understand how you feel. I also understand what your isolation is all about. I try to keep busy but there is a voice in the back of my head that keeps saying...you are in a nightmare. Please post often so we can talk about how you are feeling and dealing with the loss of Steven. Oh....and, please don't listen to the rude comments that people sometimes say. The other people do not understand our situation. They assume that you "should move on", can get another dog, should find a therapist, etc. The other problem that you may encounter is, your extended families lack of total understanding for where your life currently is. Please post (also) if you are having trouble with that, too....I know I am. Please let me know how you are doing! Take care and I will post soon. Mary (Drewsmom)

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daniellemom

Mishty – Stephens Mom

First I’m so sorry for your loss. You have come to the best place to find others that will not judge you and help you along this terrible road we are on. I lost my daughter Danielle on Oct 11, 2007 in a single car accident. I normally post on the adult child forum.

I know all to well about the isolating feeling like everyone is looking, thinking that it’s catching. Angry is also a part of the grieving process along with crying in the laundry basket. It does get softer with time.

Your family probably tries to understand but can’t and I’m glad for that. I don’t ever want another person to feel this way. Come often and tell us about Stephen and his life. As far as you know knowing who you are anymore you are becoming the new you. It’s a hard and bumpy road we are all working on getting there.

There has been list put together on this forum about what people have said to them after the loss of their child, it’s so unreal but believe me they think they are helping you but just don’t know what to say. It’s so hard sometimes not to just cuss them out and tell them what you really feel but we don’t. We normally put on that fake smile and say, Yes or I’m OK, thank you.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

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Ha...I guess it depends on the minute! The reality always hits me when I am driving home from work or get home from work. Please tell me that one day I won't cry anymore and that this ache in my heart will diminish. Kisses to Danielle and to you!

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daniellemom

Oh Mary, one day it will get softer I promise. I don’t know about not crying any more. I don’t cry every day any more. The waves of grief start to come less often. I hope that makes sense. Your daughter is she younger or older than Drew? What did Drew major in college?

Sonya

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Ahhh.....Sonya (and Danielle...you beautiful girl). Merideth (my daughter) is 21 years old. She is the little sister. Drew was a Biotech major. He loved growing mice ears and spare eyeballs....that is a joke from one of his internships. I really hope that my tears get less and less. I am always dehydrated! I also know from what you have said, that the pain does not go away. I can deal with that on some level. I do understand that there will always be a hole in my heart...but, why us? Why do we have to endure this? Why did our children have to leave us? They were good kids that were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I just don't understand! I am thinking of you and will say prayers for our strength to get through, yet, another day. Love to you, Mary

PS... I look at Danielle's eyes and see a girl with allot of spirit and a spitfire! Her eyes are so full of mischief? Is this correct? Was she funny?

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Stephens Mom, Welcome to Beyond Indigo.  My name is Marcia I lost my 17.5 year old daughter, our only child, to sudden heart death on September 20, 2008, just a few days after you lost your dear son.  I just read your posting and it made me so angry and also very very sad.  There are so many children that continue to die from ‘heart issues’ I asked my husband……….WHY IS THAT?????? WHAT IS GOING ON???

Bethany had a heart murmur that we well were aware of, she had full cardio workups every year. --- her condition is nothing that should have killed her.  She was at a party with a friend, walked out to her car with her keys in one hand, texting on her cell phone, when she collapsed. They did CPR until the paramedics arrived but were never able to get another beat out of her little heart.  An electrical heart malfunction – that is all I have.   

I also have experienced the isolation, lost contact with my very best friend, who I suppose does not know what to say , so she just doesn’t call at all.  My husbands family has behaved poorly to say the least.  My mom and dad continue to check on us to see how we are managing.  We started counseling one week after Bethany died and go once a week.  Some days it helps, other days nothing helps.  I have found great comfort in the words of parents here who are further along this journey than I am, and I believe that it will get easier.  Try to get enough rest, I know this is sometimes difficult.  Eat well, and drink lots of water and juice—this does help my mental stability.  Some days I can even laugh, not often.  I enjoy talking about my sweet angel, but it seems other than here, no one really wants to talk about her anymore.  I must find a way to honor her life and not dwell on her death.  I am sorry to have to welcome you to this forum, but I am glad you have found us.  Most of us post on “Loss of an Adult Child” , please come and read and tell us about your Stephen when you feel you can.  We are all here to listen and comfort each other.

Marcia   Bethany’s Mom Forever

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daniellemom

Mary, Too funny about the mice ears and extra eyeballs! Tell me the story if you are up to it. Danielle has a younger brother James is 19 and is at NCSU in Raleigh, NC studying to be a Math Professor and a sister Mattie who is now 6 and in 1st grade. How is Merideth doing? I know I try so hard to keep life normal for my kids. Merideth has lost her big brother and if they were anything like my kids it was always Danielle and James did this or that. It’s so hard on them also. You are so right about they eyes on Danielle she was full of mischief and a real spitfire! She could light up the room, life of the party! Thanks for asking. Tell me more about Drew!

Sonya

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Sonya...I sit here laughing about Danielle's eyes. I bet she lit up a room. She was probably the best sister. I would love to know more about her interests. Yes, Merideth is very sad. She posts on Facebook that she wants life back to the way it used to be. She is so sad and she has that "only child" syndrome. I now have to be the best at everything. I HAVE TO get that 3.6 GPA, I am the only child that my parents have. She comes home from college every weekend and every Wednesday. I keep telling her that she needs to live her life and not worry about the little stuff. I know she will eventaully lead a normal life but for now, she is just trying to get by. My husband is dealing better than all of us! He has a very good outlook on everything that happens in life! Drew was an amazing kid! He was also a geek. He always wanted to fit in. This eventually got him in trouble. He was also an avid runner and skiier. How are your other 2 kids, now? Are they doing better after 1.5 years? Do they talk much about life with/without Danielle? Please tell me more about her. I would love to get to know you guys! Did you say that your son is in college in NC? Mary (Drewsmom)

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dannysmomma

stephensmom..I am so sorry for your loss:(My son Danny passed 3/28/2009 so I am still very new to this awful journey we are on.I understand the isolation,it seems everyone stopped coming around and calling  as soon as the services were over:(.I think people stay away because they are uncomfortable or afraid.People have no problem reminiscing about 90 yr old Aunt Mary but when it comes to our children the silence can be deafening.I compare my emotional state to a game of ping pong, they go back and forth ,one minute to the next.Even my fiance who I've been with for 5 years and who loved & adored Danny doesn't get my mood swings.I had to tell him that for me right now it's not day by day,it's minute by minute,thankfully he's patient with me even if he doesn't quite *get it* himself.The worst part of the day for me is dinner time,I don't think I've made it thru one without breaking down in tears.I am so glad I found this board and I read everyday,I don't always post but I come to read so that I don't feel so alone.I hope you'll stay awhile so you can gather as much comfort here as I have{{{hugs}}}..Lyn

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Mishty....we are worried about you. You only posted the one time and haven't been back since. I hope you are okay. Please post and tell us how you are doing. Thinking of you! Drewsmom (Mary)

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