Moving forward, but Falling Back

[lastlove19]

hello, this past month all I have done is remember the good time, miss, and cry for Vincent. What is wrong with me, i thought i was moving on. But now I feel like I'm falling backwards! I can't get myself out of this hole. I've ended two good relationships in the past year because well... I don't want them, I want to be with Vincent!! My heart and my head refuse to let it go. also in the past week i have ran into Vincent's mother and sister. My heart breaks to see them because I see him and i know that they probably feel the same way, when they see me. I have had panic attacks lately and its freaking me out, plus everyone around me. Another thing, I find myself wanting to get drunk just to get away from my grife and guilt on my mind. For me, I think getting drunk isn't a good ideal. It just prolongs the problem by manking a new one aswell. How do I pull myself foward? i find myself feeling the exact same as I did when I first got the news of his death. I'm lost in my many different feelings. hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunel!

[rodless]

I think we all go through what you're describing. Up and down roller coaster. It doesn't seem to matter how long it's been. Even after 2 1/2 years I have those really bad days. I don't drink a lot but I eat too much when I feel down and that makes me feel worse...vicious cycle. Best thing for me is to get outside and walk or go to the wellness center and swim. Sometimes it's hard to break down and call someone but when I do, it always helps. And sometimes you have to wallow a little. Just plain feel sorry for yourself. We can't have those special guys back and it's a really hard thing to accept. Writing here is good so keep coming back.

[lastlove19]

for the last two weeks i felt like Vince had died all over again. But last Thrusday i kinda snaped. I left school early, jumped in my car, and just drove. i felt like no one around me cared, all i heard from them style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #f8f8f8"was " you need to let this go, NIkki" "Get over it and move on." none of that was helping the way i felt. so on that Thursday i took off, just driving, and didn't care where i wond up. about 30minutes later i found myself parked where Vincent had died, just crying my eyes out. And while i sat there i heard through the wind someone say. "Nikki, You can't live like this anymore, I am with you, and i'm ok."

style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #f8f8f8"I began to shout out loud Why did you have to take him from all of us? why does it have to be this way? listening to my own question I realized that, yes that everything happens for a reason. The reason my have been to protect me or someone else. Maybe GOD took Vincent to open someones eyes that may be headed down the same road, or to bring someone to their knees and lead them to GOD.maybe someone in his own family!

style="BACKGROUND-COLOR: #f8f8f8"I drove to the walmart i use to work at and parked in the area i use to and where me and Vince would meet. Crying, questioning, and trying to understand. At that moment i realized i can't carry this around anymore. And i know Vincent would want me to be happy. I sat there is the parking lot and talked to GOD OUTLOuD and i didn't care if anyone heard me. my heart is forver broken because of this, but i have to heal it the best i can. SO i gave it to GOD, all my pain, sadness, and sorrow. I can't carry it around anymore. I ask GOD to Take it AWAY! AND suddenly i began to feel a sence of calmness and peace. I now feel peace about it all, and i feel good. I am also thankful that i had the chance to love Vince and have him in my life! I still love him and

[justkaren2]

I perfectly understand the moving forward, falling back statement.  It's been over two years for me and I've had several months where I haven't broken down over memories at all.  I have the same pictures that I still touch and kiss.  I still talk to him but not with the deep pain.  Then my daughter found this video with him in it...he was laughing and joking...and talking....his voice!  I heard his voice!  I thought I had nothing with his voice in it.  I saw the twinkle in his eyes, his sudden shyness when he noticed the camera, the way he held his head.....sigh.  I saw why I loved him all over again (he looked so handsome!) and I wanted to lean in the car window and give him a kiss.  He was right there, so very alive, but I could not touch him.  It was so beautiful and so painful at the same time.  I could not tear my eyes away although I was sobbing and I watched it over and over again.  I really wish I didn't have to feel this pain again, but at the same time the video was a beautiful gift.  Grief sucks!

[lastlove19]

I did the same thing with the videos. it was nice to see him,I got so close to the t.v. so i could to feel like I was close to him. Lately I've been having dreams of him, for the longest time right after he passed I prayed for dreams of him. He is so happy and just like i remember him. But I have been having those sad, depressed,and lonely feelings again. But now I am pushing myself so I dont fall in the Big Black hole of drepression. I ran into Vincents mother the other day, it hurts a bit to see her and i'm sure it hurts for her to see me. I see him in her so much it makes me sad.

I feel bad for this but last month was his Birthday and I was so busy I forgot. My heart broke because I said I would never forget HIs b-DAY or  his D-day. I always take his mother two roses on  mothers day and his D-Day. I dont actually give them to her I leave them on her doorstep with a note. I dont want to see her crybut i will cry. I miss him so much, I'm dating again and it really sucks!! I find myself wanting him and no one else, but i'm sure thats normal. I still can't believe its been 3 years!

I miss you Vince and send you my love XOXO

[Guest grievingperson]

The videos can be such a gift just to capture who they were and hear their voices again.  It does make you long for them again.  I find that everytime I look at pictures of my husband (gone 20 months now) from the very early days when we were first dating in 1982 to the recent ones up to the end of 2007 and hearing his voice, I fall in love with him all over again.  That is when it is hard to keep from falling back into that pit of depression.  Today would be my husbands 49th birthday, I still love him and miss him very much, but I do think I am doing much better this year than last year. 

[lastlove19]

Yesterday I was down and was missing my vince so i started going to through some home movies and i found one with a little clip of him that made me light up! It was vincent layin on the bed watching tv and i was holding the cam. I said to him I LOVE you, and the sweetest words ever came back. I LovE YOU too! He looked at the cam like he always looked at me! OH how i wanted that  that momentback. I think i watched the little clip about 50 times. And all day i had felt like i couldnt even remember his voice,so my reason for look at the tapes. Later that night i had the craziest dream. AND my Prince Charming was in it. it was vincent and me, we were having a baby and he was taking me to the hospital, lol i think its Because i watched "deliever me" on tv before falling alseep. but he was so wonderful and acting the way i knew he would if we had had the chance to have a baby! anyways i woke with since of love and clamness, it was wonderfull! but your right about wanting them even more after seeing them! :/