Reaching out...

[kapoentje]

I'm going to post before I lose my courage once again. I've been roaming around this website since September of 2008, when my father came to my home under the care of hospice, with me being his primary caregiver until he would pass from his very long and painful battle with cancer. Damn cancer anyway. I hate it!!

I was extremely close to my father and I didn't think he was going to die.. maybe I just didn't want to see it..

My father passed away in front of my eyes on September 20, 2008. I miss him every second.. every thought, every move every breath, everything.. =(

He seemed at peace but I know he never wanted to give in.. it really shredded my heart and soul to lose this man. I can't move on and I'm stuffing my feelings as much as possible.. I know it's unhealthy but I feel like I'm going to completely lose it when I give in.. for some reason I can't make myself get to see someone.. I'm becoming paranoid and I am absolutely convinced that my loving & supportive husband is cheating on me or has, or is going to or is just plain going to leave.. and it's illogical in my emotions (my gut says that's crazy) but my nonsensical brain is winning the fight and I don't understand if it's because I feel so abandoned by my father's death.. I MISS HIM SO MUCH I just wish he'd come back.. I would do anything anything anything just please... there just aren't the words to describe this guttural vomiting grief inside of me

[jayd63]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.........it is amazing you could give him that last gift of being there for him in such a big way  at the end- I'm sure he loved you so much! 

you need to let it out.  it does feel you like will lose control,  and you might for a little bit,  but it is the only way.  if you don't feel safe letting your pain go while you are alone,  then PLEASE ,  get in touch with a local support group through the hospital and I promise you , you will find a safe place with people who know exactly what you are going through.  Sometimes surrounding yourself with others in the same boat is so helpful- both for you, and for others whose pain is fresh. 

I can't imagine how hard it must of been for you going through losing your dad to cancer......as much as I miss my dad,  I am grateful neither he or my family had to go through that and his death was very sudden and unexpected.   the shock is difficult,  but in the end I know it will be less painful for us all. Again,   I commend you on your braveness in sticking with your dad through his time he needed you the most,  and hope someday you can find peace with his passing.  my dad passed away 2 weeks ago,  and I feel his presence around me constantly-  the love he left behind is tangible and no one can take that away.  bless you and please don't hesitate any longer to ask for help.    I used to live near kirkland, and worked downtown on Main street for many years....it is a beautiful place I hope  you can enjoy again soon.  take care, jen

[angelbro]

Hi I lost my father 2 years ago on 5/28th.  He also died of cancer.  We actually had cancer together and went on father/daughter trips to the oncologist.  I was the lucky one and am cancer free.  Unfortunately, it took over my Dad.  I am youngest of 4 and probably closest to Dad.  I was with my Dad for the last two weeks of death.  Sleeping on the floor in his bed room every night.  I was also there when he took his last breath... I think of him everyday!!

We lost my brother in 9/11 so he was never afraid to die.  He waited for an angel to come get him to take him to his son.

You need to get help.  I did not.  This is what happened:

1.  Lost Brother

2.  Lost Father

3.  Had Cancer

4. Husband left me for another women and stole all my money.

5. Tried to commit suicide.

It's not pretty.  But,now that I'm getting help it makes it easier.  Oh yeah, there are bad days, but believe it or not sometimes there are good ones.

Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help.  Most people want to help!

Good Luck,