Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

lost my dad


jayd63

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I lost my dad 2 weeks ago today........he left us very suddenly, which I know was the way he hoped it would be.  He was 81 and lived an amazing life-  he was so active and never afraid to try anything,  right up til the end.  there are many things i am grateful for......i had the chance to spend a whole month with him and my mom last summer in Alaska where they live, and we got to talk about EVERYTHING........there really was nothing left unsaid or undone before he left.  They had just visited us  a month ago too, as well as my brother and his family ,  so we had all said our goodbyes  ( with my parents in their 80's, and us living so far from them, we always knew that each visit may be our  last) all of that said,  I miss him terribly.  he was a great person and role model, and i am sad my kids won't have him here like i was so fortunate to have had him.  They are old enough to remember him, so i hope we can keep all the great memories alive as they grow up. 

His funeral was a week ago,  in Alaska, and we all went.  I wasn't going to go to the viewing the night before, because I know from going to those in the past that the person is just not there.........but i decided i should go and see him.  I was right,  he was SO not there....the shell that was left looked nothing like him-  everything that made him the amazing man he was flew away with his spirit.  I hated that part, but it was important I guess.   His  service was nice-  my brother somehow pulled himself together and talked, as did my sisters husband and there were over a 150  friends and family there.  My mom isn't doing great,  but I think she'll be ok...my sister and her grown children all live close by to her. 

I just really miss my dad.:(  what is life like without your dad?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I won't lie, life isn't easy. Every time I need advice or do something that we would have done together or that he would have enjoyed or found funny, i reach to call him.  its hard to get used to someone just being gone, i think that can be the toughest part. learning to adjust to him not being around anymore. it does get easier in one sense as time goes on, its not that you miss him anyless, its that you learn how to deal with missing him. Its been two and half years since my dad died, i still miss him alot but i feel that i have figured out what to do and how to encompass his memory in my daily life, my biggest fear now is that ill forget him, not him, just what it was like to be with him, his voice, his presence.  Hope it helps a little bit.

Oilyducks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

thanks-  I did read your story and I am very sorry for the  loss of your dad,  especially since you are so young.  I was at least blessed to have had my dad for 45 years, and we had many good memories and he was a wonderful grandpa to my kids. I am very grateful for our time together.  jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

well,  I found out today that my dads older brother has colon cancer.  he is 86 , was scheduled to have cataract surgery this week and now they have cancelled it and scheduled cancer surgery on the 25th instead.........he can't see anything,  he's having surgery and he has no family around him at all.  He was married to an english girl during ww2 and they had three kids-   she left him when they were in their mid 20's and he didn't see his kids again until she died about 4 years ago.  Unfortunately they all live out east and he is in Oregon......I'm feeling really bad for him.  he took my dads passing pretty hard, now this,  I just don't know if he'll make it through.  My brother told me he may try to fly out for his surgery......I wish I could be there for him too.   sucks.  today was a harder one,  with that......then I decided to have salmon for dinner and went down to get it out of the basement-  my dad had brought it from alaska for me in January when they visited, and all of the packs were labeled in his handwriting-  it made me very sad and I miss him.  He has been leaving me signs around though.......and I sure feel his presence.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear your sad news about your dad's brother so soon after losing your dad.  I lost my dad just over two years ago, his older brother took it very hard too and just over a year later he passed away through a culmination of illnesses.  I don't know what you believe and I don't try to push my beliefs on anyone but I'm sure my dad was with his brother at the time he was ill and I'm sure that your dad will be around his brother at this time, I wish him well with his surgery.  I too get a lot of signs that dad is near me, he was always at hand with tips and advice, especially with DIY, and now when I have to do my own DIY I hear a little voice in my head "what you want to do is..." - it helps a lot and I just know he's standing over me shaking his head and tutting at what a bad job I'm doing :-)   Take comfort that your dad will always be around you, whether you believe in an afterlife or not he will always be in your mind and in your heart, that way he will never leave and I've found that the biggest comfort of all over the past couple of years.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you, and I am sorry you lost your dad too........I believe very much that my dad lives on , not only somewhere else, but around us in the love he left behind.   My dad was one of 15 children, and there are only 3 left now...i can only imagine his joy upon meeting with his family again!  I spoke with my uncle that night,  and he told me his Dr believes his cancer has not spread byond his colon from the scan they did.  he feels pretty upbeat, and does have some friends close by who are caring for him.  that made me feel better for him.  Thats so funny about you feeling your dad watching you making mistakes while you work........we had my dads remains cremated, and instead of buying an urn, my brother in law , my husband, my sister and I, and most of the older Grandkids all went over to my dads wood shop where he spent most of his time building wooden toys and furniture,  and we built his urn.  we used wood that he had cut and planed himself from my sisters trees,  and over the next 3 days 10 of us, designed , cut it out, sanded, inlaid, oiled and made a project that would have taken my dad about 2 hours to finish!   We all felt him watching over us as we worked,  and shaking his head!!  the men drank a few whiskeys and smoked cigars and it was a wonderful way to honor him.   I am back home now, and it is spring here.......I felt the desire that he gave me to go out and work in my yard the past few days.  He was an amazing gardener all his life, and I spent many, many hours from when I was a little girl with him outdoors.  he landscaped every yard I have ever had,  even laying brick for planters and stepstones last year at age 80!  when I went out to work in the yard,  he was right there with me-  it is a connection we will always have.  I can hardly wait to see him again someday,  but I know i will and in the mean time there are such good memories to carry me through.    jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It is so good when you hear someone remembering a loved one with the good memories, yes the loss is there but it's so wonderful to be able to remember your dad and think of him in the way you do, it's the memories of them and the laughter we shared with them that keeps them alive within us and so close, I believe it's such a joy to them too that we do this for them.  When we went to my uncle's funeral last year I was dreading it, his partner had more or less copied dad's funeral and as we're a big family most of the same people were going to be there too.  I went in the car with my sister between the church and the crematorium, we had no clue where we were going as it was a place we'd never been to before, we spent that time in the car talking about dad and we laughed so much at our memories of him, it may sound odd but it was truly wonderful to be able to do that, and to be able to share that moment with my sister who had been finding it very difficult after we lost him.

I'm pleased for you that your uncle has been told his cancer has not spread.  I don't know if this helps any but my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 2004 and was operated on successfully a month later, he received radiotherapy and recovered well, I hear it has one of the highest success rates for being treated.  Unfortunately dad's cancer returned a year and a half later in his liver and a few months later we found out it was terminal, but because of the surgery he'd already had we had him with us for two more years, I will always be thankful for that.

I wish you well and hope that you are able to have someone to share many happy memories of your dad with.

Trisha

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

well, it's been kind of a rough week-   I go back and forth , torn between being happy things happened the way they did,  being thankful  I had great times and memories to treasure, and just flat out missing my dad.  I have had floods of memories coming back to me this week- all good, which is wonderful,  but has made me miss him so much.  I was thinking of him today-  when I was about 4 or 5 years old, I had terrible eczema all over.  my family lived in Atlantic city nj, and the closest skin Dr. was in Philly several hours away.   my dad would drive me every Saturday morning to philly and back for ultraviolet light treatments on my skin.  I hated the lights-  I had to lay on my belly with my behind exposed to the light which was emabaressing even at that age! But I loved going, because it was 4 hours of time for just my dad and i-  we would laugh and joke in the car the whole way, and afterwards he always bought me a hotdog and a mt. dew.  it's funny the stuff you remember......I got to spend time like that with him last summer went we went on a fishing trip,  he and I drove alone together while everyone else went in the moterhome.  I will always treasure those long hours I spent with him.

My oldest daughter ( age 11) is having a rough time , and I am not sure how to help her-  this is a 1st for us both, losing someone close.  I'm am so proud of her though,  she took the initiative to go to her school counseler on her own last week-  I would have never been able to do that at her age.  ( or even older, as it turned out-  when I went into a deep depression from a big move,  as a 14 year old.  I desparately needed and wanted help,  but could not ask for it.  My parents knew something was wrong, but were not good communicators, and didn't know what to do,  so did nothing.  my depression got worse,  lasted 10 years before I finally got help)  So she told me yesterday she would like to go back and talk with  the counselor every week for awhile,  and I told her I thought that was a wonderful idea.  I talked a lot with her about my dad, and how we are all reacting in our own ways, but it is all normal as long as we let it out.  she feels comfortable talking to both me, and my mom too, so I hope it will be enough for her.

She's such a sensitive soul,  I always knew this was going to be hard on her.  I had a miscarriage when she was only three years old,  and she was DEVASTATED.......I wasn't that far along, only about 3 months,  but she went through every stage of grieving like she had read it from a book.  She was angry,  she felt guilty,  she was making deals with God....I was just floored( she has always been a very mature soul, but that was something pretty wild to watch)  it took her a long time to get over it.  So as I watched my parents getting older,  I gently tried to prepare her,  as I was doing for myself,  but for both of us,  it has been rough month.  the day he dies,  she looked up at me and said" you know mom,  what I hate most about this is I know it is just the beginning.......Grandpa died, and I know Grandma D. , and both my other grandparents will be going, and maybe a friend someday, and then you and Dad........"  and she's right-  it sucks when mortality ends your  rosy childhood view and throws you into that reality that we will all make that trip.  It is easier for me , because I have spent many years coming to terms with that, and for myself,  have no fear or dread of death.  But I remember what that felt like when i was young, and know she has to live it herself.    anyway,  thanks if anyone is listening,  this is sort of my only place to talk it out!  jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

i found this picture of me and my dad from when i was 5 years old-  i always feel like he has his arm around me and I'm safe, still.  It's a little blurry,  I guess like memories kind of are......

post-27972-128153892494_thumb.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm having kind of a rough week........fathers day on sunday was very difficult as I expected it would be.  I mostly was feeling left out and sad that I wasn't up In alaska with my mom and sister......they left that day to go on the annual fishing trip with the whole family that dad always loved to do every June.  I was so blessed to have been there last year to go with them,  and my dad and I drove the whole 8 hours each way just the 2 of us in his truck.....we really got to talk until there was nothing left to talk about,  so at least i don't have that feeling we left things undone before he passed away.  It was also my birthday that day we made the drive, and we spent the evening with the whole family around the camp fire, eating fresh caught copper river salmon cooked on sticks......what a wonderful day , looking back.  I didn't know then it would be my last birthday spent with my dad ( I didn't get to spend all of them with him,  but when I did,  he always made them special!  The year i turned 30,  he took me to Disneyland, just the 2 of us.....such great memories!) So,  today is my birthday,  it's a nice day, my kids have been sweet , my mom called and they got back ok from fishing, but I'm still feeling sad, and I don't want to be.  I know he here,  I can feel him, ......I thought about it on fathers day,  if I COULD call him and talk to him,  what would I say?  well,  it would be justlike every other call the last year or 2-  he'd tell me he was building toy trains in the work shop, or doll houses for a neighbors grand daughter.......he's tell me they might go fishing next week and he'd smoke some salmon for me and mail it.  he would then launch into the weather forecast, and ask me what the weather was doing here too,  then say goodbye, and hand me off to mom.  We really had nothing more pressing to talk about,  it had all been said, and I guess I'm blessed for that.  I still miss him.  jen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.