Grieving & Mourning — The Process

[nicksdad]

First, I am by NO means an expert in this area. I actually probably would not want to be an expert due to I can't imagine the experiences one would have to have in order to be classified as one. I think most of us have gone thru and are going thru enough of our own that we would not relish anymore....

With that said I have written an article on "Grieving & Mourning"...mainly thru the way I see it (at least as of now)...Feel free to read it and you can comment at the end if you'd like.

Here it is: "Grieving & Mourning"

Dan

NicksDad

[shorty16]

Dan  Nick's Dad,

I read your article and I could not have said it better myself.

At my job as a Quality Assurance Engineer, Lead Auditor for an Aerospace company, I write many technical papers and am also on the staff for the company newspaper.

The most important aspect of writting a good article is the flow.  Do my eyes move easily from word to word; Do I undersatnd what is being said or do I have to re-read.

You are awesome.  I did have to slow down at some areas, but that was to undersatnd how I feel in-relation to you.

For me, the mention of "Days" in the article can change to weeks and even months.  I am 8 months into this and sometimes it still feel like it was yesterday.

I loved it.  "Things" do happen.  Boy's do stupid things and sometimes, as in my case, that leads to their death and my "Changed" life.

 

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

 

[mattsmum]

I agree with Colleen it was a good article.  I am actually a Grief and Bereavement Counsellor, but for children although I do counsel adults as well.

I always refer to the grieving process as a Grief Journey.  The loss of a child and the grief that follows, cannot be compared to any current model for grief resolution. It is the most difficult grief to cope with as it defies what is considered as being normal, i.e. the parent dying before the child, and not the child dying before the parent. 

The guilt a parent carries is enormous and continues throughout the rest of their lives.  Yet there is a new, but different and altered life, after the death of a child.  You do learn to smile again, find some peace and resolution - but it takes a long time and even then, the longing and yearning never goes and that is the most difficult thing to have to live with.

Gerry x

[dannysmomma]

That was a very well written article Nicksdad.I'm still struggling with the guilt wheels and the what -if wheels even tho I know that sometimes things happen.I guess it's human nature and we as parent's are forced into the reality that sometimes things are just beyond our control and no matter how vigilant we are about our children. sadly,sometimes they leave us too soon.My hurdle right now is the anger I'm feeling.It's like a dark cloud.

[nicksdad]

Dannysmom...This book put it a bit in perspective for me

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

Author: Harold S. Kushner

Mr Kushner is a Rabbi and he lost his son.

[dannysmomma]

Nicksdad..Funny..I saw that book somewhere the other day but didn't pick it up to see what it was about.Maybe I'll take a trip to Borders ..thanks for the recommendation..Lyn

[calebsmomma]

Nicks DAd: You put things into perspective just perfectly...I like your article. I drive a mail route and I see boys around my sons age that aren't in school, don't have jobs just sit around all day and I wonder WHY all the time and I always come back to the same answer....because LIFE Happens.

Thank you for your thoughts,

 

Carmen

[mpsmom]

Nicks Dad, I dont know how I missed your article a while ago when it was posted.  It was great.... thank you, I would like to print it and have it available at my Compassionate Friends meetings for newly bereaved parents.  Would you be OK with that? Please let me know, I would never reprint it without your permission.

Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[shorty16]

Nicks Dad

I also read the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."

The Rabbi lost his son to progeria (sp) (premature aging).

That book really was written in a logical sense and not as a holy roller.  He did a great job of communicating to all faiths, not just Jewish.

Highly recommend this book.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[nicksdad]

Marcia..Of course you can use it however you’d like.

 

Colleen..Yes it did seem logical and so far out of everything that I have

Read to try to understand it made the most sense to me

[mpsmom]

Now i will have to pick that book up, i am still trying to 'undertand' it all

thank you ! and thank you nicks dad for writing the article, I will have copies on hand to offer to new parents to our group.

 

[dannysmomma]

I picked "When Bad things Happen to Good People"yesterday and read the whole book.Very insightful as I'm not what you'd call religious but a lot of it made sense.Things happen ,there's no blame,no fault,no one's punishing us,things just happen and it's up to us to decide how we move forward.Thanks for the recommendation Nicksdad.It's an interesting read Marcia.

[nicksdad]

[user=29590]dannysmomma[/user] wrote:

I picked "When Bad things Happen to Good People"yesterday and read the whole book.Very insightful as I'm not what you'd call religious but a lot of it made sense.Things happen ,there's no blame,no fault,no one's punishing us,things just happen and it's up to us to decide how we move forward.Thanks for the recommendation Nicksdad.It's an interesting read Marcia.

I'm gald you found it interesting. I beleive in alot of things and God being one of them but to me alot of things I question. To me the book did make it a bit of sense and is a bit easier to try to cope with that reasoning that was used.

It "almost" takes away the "why" because you really would not have anyone to ask it to...But, knowing who I am trust me the "why" question will be asked anyway when my time comes.

 

[mpsmom]

Dan, I plan on picking up the book in the next couple days, My faith has been challenged and I still am looking for answers as to "why"...... I don't understand why my baby was taken from us, I know I never will, that doesnt make it any easier fo rme though.  I spend hours researching what exactly woul dhave made her heart stop under the circumstances--do drugs no alcohol, no nothing...... still looking what I am supposed to 'take away' from her death... .Be a better person now????? I was a good person before she died, if anything losing her has taken away from the person I was, now I feel I have no purpose at all.... All of this is WHY my faith is challenged.

Thank you for your postings and joining our group , reading your posting from a mans point of view sometiems helps me understand where my husbands head is at when it isnt obvious to me.

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[dannysmomma]

For me, I understand the why's,Danny had a genetic defect  that they still do not totally understand,that was life.I hate that he left us so soon but the alternative could have been we didn't get to have any time with him at all.What I think about all the time is ,Is he safe? Is he happy? most importantly ..Is he loved?.I have to believe that he's being taken care of by people who love him and that he's happy where he is and he's free of any of the problems he had in this life.I hope he's not as lost without me as I am without him.

[4everjoeysmom]

For me, I go all the way back to the age-old question I've often heard asked by a child; "Where do Babies come from?" And more specifically, where did MY Baby come from. It could be as simple as the sperm and the egg. But as much as Joey is, was and will always remain a miracle gift to me, I believe he was s gift given by someone Who loves Joey, Who loves me, and Who is the very One who gave me as a gift to my parents. When I think back to Joey's origin, I am reminded that he belonged to someone else before he belonged to me, or else he could not have been a gift. I believe we are loved and known before we ever are conceived, and we belonged to our creator from before this life. Though often not recognized, He remains with us in this life, and we go back to Him beyond this life. This tells me that Joey is loved eternally. He is with someone eternally who cares for him.

Does everything make sense? No way! But knowing this helps me to find comfort in where Joey is, that he is safe, he is not alone, he is happy, and he is very, very loved...

Miss you Joey............

[mpsmom]

Claudia, I wish I could find it within myself to stay focused on the thoughts you just shared with us all.  I suppose it is early on, we are backsliding, not something unusual , we all do it.... we will surface from this darkness again, I just dont know when.  I must find a way to simplify life, if I do not I  will never see the sunshine again.   Thank you for your words of wisdom, I hold them close to my heart.

Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

I understand. I was just sharing that some can focus on "things just happen" and be satisfied with that, while for some others that answer is not enough in this lifetime. I believe with my whole heart and being there are some questions which CAN definitely be answered now. I have found peace with many of the questions I had, and that is always worth sharing... Of course there are still many unanswered questions. But having peace with the answerable ones allows me to heal...

[ethansmuffin]

Hi Claudia and Marcia

Would also like to share with you on the Why's and the fact that my faith is really been rocked to the core this past 6 months-

I grew up in a family 4 other siblings - 2 sisters and 2 brothers -15 years ago I lost my 28 year old sister to leukemia...3 months later my father who's cancer was in remission-passed away he had lung cancer. It was so difficult on our family...I now believe that losing my sister was too hard on my dad.....

As a family we were again shattered by Ethan's accident and death....during this time I experience a mixture of emotions...anger towards my creator and find that it is difficult and most of the times impossible for me to pray....I am just so mad!!

2 weeks ago my other sister were diagnosed with breast cancer....I am completely at a lost for words, thaughts...and I feel everyday how the anger just builds up inside me.....I find myself talking to myself...whispering ...this must stop...this must stop...and I am not sure who I am talking to....I fight with God...I even scream at him some days.....some days I really feel peace....and I know that I could never have survived this 6 months on my own....But it is so hard!....

Thanks for listening (reading)

Enid (Ethansmuffin)