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still in mourning


cryingeyes

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Dear Readers, I had to reach out. For some reason I feel I am back at the beginning of my grieving process. For whatever reason I am overwhelmed with missing my Dad.

I still miss hearing his voice and his physical presence. I am so torn. I even mistakenly thought I had come to a place of acceptance. I don't know if this will make any sense but it seems like this place of acceptance hurts the most. Definitely life is going on. I can't help myself from needing to talk things over with him and 'talking to his spirit' or writing him letters and letting go again and again-just isn't helping.

Some may think this is unhealthy, I can't help that. I know that after my brother died he lived with missing him the rest of his life and it was a long time before we were ever able to talk about my brother. He held himself together for me I suppose. But now I realize just how much he was crumbling inside. This knowledge hurts and I wonder how he did it, and I think it was because he couldn't not keep going. With me, I have reasons to keep going. A life to live. It just will never be the same. There is no one else I am close enough to talk about this.

My logical side is saying I am just having a bad day and it'll pass. But in the moment....is another story.

Thanks for the vent

Regina

 

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I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR, Regina! I lost my Mother 17 months ago. We were BEST FRIENDS! I lived with her my ENTIRE life ... never married ... never had children. We traveled together, went to concerts together, visited the relatives together ... You name it; we were ALWAYS there for each other!

While time has LESSENED the pain of losing her A BIT, I KNOW in my heart that that pain and anguish over losing her will never COMPLETELY go away. And, frankly, I wouldn't want it to. She meant too much to me. I will never stop missing her, at least on SOME level.

I just had a good cry on the way to work this morning because, of course, with our economy, life continues to get harder and harder and harder ... And I just MISS her hugs and her smiles and her wisdom and the comfort she always gave me. When she said, "It'll all work out, honey," somehow I KNEW it would! Now? Not so much anymore!

I REALLY miss her smile and her friendship and her unconditional Motherly Love. NOTHING will EVER replace that! I feel better today than I did just a few months ago. But, rest assured that I KNOW that the journey is LONG ... and sometimes I really feel inside my heart that my "journey of grief" really won't be over until it is MY turn to leave this earth and be reunited with my sweet Mother and my beloved Father (who died when I was 13). Then, and only then, will I be truly COMPLETELY whole again. Till that time ... it's like a band-aid on a gaping wound that keeps opening every now and again ...

May you find some peace in your journey ...

This was the last photo taken of my Mother and I together -- It was the day after my 50th birthday in 2007. Three months later; she was gone. STILL blows my mind.

post-18910-128153892286_thumb.jpg

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Thank you Gina and might I say that you and she looked adorable in your picture. You can see the love. I will have you in my prayers.

We have to keep drawing on all that our parents instilled in us. Thank God we had them, huh>

Take care,

Regina

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Thanks, Regina! We had a GREAT relationship ... one most children and parents might envy. That gives me LOTS to be thankful for and also makes the grieving that much harder.

You are right -- We need to draw from the strengths our parents instilled within us. Before she died, my dear Mother had already lost 2 husbands, a son and a grandson. I'll never know how she endured all that she did. She was one STRONG woman, for sure ... and I have to continually remind myself that I AM HER CHILD ... So I can get through it, too.

Prayers from me to you as well, Regina.

Take care,

Gina

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chicagogina,  Your post reminded me so much of how close me and my mom were.Whenever things got tough my mom would always say-it will all work out sweetie,you will see.I even found a card she had given me with these words written in it.It will be a year soon since I lost her,and I still wake up in the mornings hoping that it was all just a bad dream,I wish I could just reach over and call her to say good morning like I did every single morning.I miss her so much my heart actually hurts!I too don't have children which probably makes it so much harder-she was literally everything to me.The picture of you and your mom shows the love you two had for each other-beautiful!  Take Care!!

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Thanks for your kind words, butterfly13. I do the SAME thing ... Mom had her favorite recliner in our livingroom and sometimes I find myself looking over at it, expecting her to be there, and so sad that she isn't. I keep thinking, like you, that maybe if I close my eyes and then open them up again, it will all have been just one big, bad dream. But, alas, it isn't. She is gone and I miss her terribly, but must somehow move on with my life, for I KNOW that is what she wants me to do ... even though my heart hurts, too ... just like yours ... God bless us and strengthen us all ...

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Hello Ladies, reading your messages helps me. Just wanted you to know that. My Mom passed away 22 months ago and it is so hard for me. I understand something about being so close to your Mom and then one day, she has passed on. It's surreal and sad and so very lonely. There will always be a sadness in missing her presence and everything she was to me, no matter how much time passes. So, I can relate to you when you say these things too. My Mom would always tell me similar things, like "everything will be alright" when I felt worried or upset about things in life. Just knowing she was there, in my corner, and a shoulder to go to, made things bearable. Now, she's not here and I so need her to tell me it will be alright. It's so hard when you don't have that anymore and you're feeling like nothing will be alright. That's when I have to draw on the memories and strength she had and gave to me through those words. It's not easy but can be done, somehow, some way. I have much compassion for you all as you go through this process of adjusting to life without your beautiful Mom's...I know the journey all too well.

Take care ...

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I dread Father's Day. And the fact that it's my 4th. It's hard to believe. I think I might take that weekend off and just go somewhere and try to keep myself busy. The days leading up to Mother and Father's Days are the absolute worse. I might as well unplug the TV-the commercials are one after the other. I hate it.

Thank you all for being here and understanding.

Regina

 

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chicagogina

Since my Father died when I was only 13, and I am WAY OLDER than that now, time has pretty much healed that wound, although I still get a twinge of jealousy as I watch my friends and the people at Church celebrating Father's Day.

But MOTHER's Day -- FORGET about it! Having lost my Beloved Mother and Best Friend less than 2 years ago AND never having had children of my own, I pretty much bury myself that day. I usually go to the cemetery, talk to Mom for a while, cry a lot, and then head out to my big sister's house and spend some time with her talking about Mom, and celebrating the day with her, since she is the Mother of my nephews and niece. Still ... a VERY, VERY HARD DAY!!!

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butterfly13

I'm also dreading Mothers Day,first one without my mom.Last year on Mothers Day,she wasn't feeling good and didn't even want me to come over to spend time with her-very unusual for her.I never thought that her not feeling good meant she would die less than a month later.A friend asked me years ago if Mothers Day upset me because I don't have kids?I said"No,it will only upset me when I no longer have my mom."Now,I can't believe it has happened,I don't even know what I will do on that day,or the anniversary of her death-my stomach and my heart hurt just thinking about it! :(

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chicagogina

My first Mother's Day without my Mom (last year) was pure hell, butterfly13, so I understand where you are coming from; trust me. My suggestion? Do whatever YOU feel like doing. If you feel better staying home and being alone, do that. If you feel better surrounded by people, make plans and do that. If you feel like visiting your Mother at the cemetery, do that. If not, don't. Just do whatever will make YOU feel the least pain and the most comfort on that day. For me, it is being with my sisters. Take care and God bless as we try to heal from our losses.

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imanisworld

Hi everyone,

I don't want to even think about mother's day this year. I just lost my mom on January 22, 2009 in the most tragic way possible. I am having another issue as well. My mom's birthday is next Monday (March 9) and I always take that day off from work and we would spend it doing something together. Usually we would go to her favorite restaurant and/or to the movies (which she loved a lot) and just have a good time together. Because we pick our vacation at work in November for the following year, I had already gotten a vacation day for March 9 so I will still be off from work. Although I would not have it any other way, I just could not imagine working on March 9 at all even though my mom will not be here to celebrate her birthday this year. As I said, I can't even imagine what Mother's day will be like. I will probably just spend both days alone in bed just remembering my mom.

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Imanisworld I am so sorry for your loss. I know that after my Dad passed away-my own birthday was sad because well, the same as when his comes around just not there to hear the HB and I love you's.

You have found a good place to come to and everyone here knows what the other is going through for the most part.

I hope you will be ok going through your Mom's bday. Like Chicagogina says-I would do whatever you want to do and if you want to stay in bed-that's fine. You take care of yourself.

Regina

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chicagogina

imanisworld, I, too, always took off October 10th for my Mother's birthday, and I still do. I always will. I have made it a habit of getting together with my sisters on that date and going out for Chinese food (Mom's favorite) as sort of a remembrance of and tribute to one of the most fantastic Mothers God ever created! Do what makes YOU feel best. That is what is most important. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

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butterfly13

I too,took off Oct.23,my moms birthday.I stayed home,cried alot,just wanted to be alone!I had wanted to do something special for her this past birthday,she would have turned 60.Never did I imagine she wouldn't be here for her 60th.It was a hard day to get through,do what your heart tells you to do-take care!

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imanisworld

Thank you both for your responses. I just can't believe my mom is gone! It has only been about 40 days or so, but it just feels so unreal. I guess because she was not sick and as I have stated on my first post on this forum, I had the car accident that is the reason why she was killed. I just keep thinking about it. The accident in itself was not that bad, but my mom was choked by the seat belt and did not have anything but a scratch on her knee. I only had a tiny scratch on my wrist. I know in talking with others and because of my religious beliefs that "we don't die before our time", but it still hurts that the accident that I had had to be the channel in which she made her transition to the afterlife. I am an only child and this is really hard. But I am glad that I can come here to express my feelings and I have also started counseling. I have my second session on March 20!

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chicagogina

I am glad to hear you have started counseling, imanisworld. I did 2 different grief groups through the hospice unit where my Mother died and they were immensely helpful. I'm also glad to hear you have your religious beliefs to cling to. Mine have been my anchor this past year or so. I remember well the deep, DEEP feelings of anguish, loss, grief, pain, etc ... at the beginning. Words cannot describe those feelings. Just know that there are others here who felt them and feel them all the time, and that you are not alone.  May God wrap you in the arms of His tender mercies ...

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butterfly13

I too,am glad you have your religious beliefs.I had a hard time(sometimes still do)truly believing that my mom is somewhere else.It will be 9months next week,and I still can't believe she is gone,I sometimes feel like it was just yesterday that I talked to her,that everything was normal,but other times is seems like I haven't talked to her in years.It's amazing how your emotions can change from one minute to the next.I'm so sorry that you had to go through such a horrible thing,and yes,I believe that when it is our time to go that their is no way to prevent it-just so sorry it happened to your mom the way it did,it must seem unreal to you.I think it must also be so hard to be the only child at a time like this.I have one brother,he did help me get through some of the first few weeks after my moms death,but even he admitted that their were no two people closer than me and my mom.

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imanisworld

Thanks so much for your kind words. Yes it is very hard to go through. I do believe that she is with other family members in the afterlife. I also believe that they (those who have gone on before us) can see us and are here among us. I am so thankful to have had my mom with me for as long as I did.

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butterfly13

You have gone through so much and yet you have such a great attitude.When I think about everything my mom was,her personality,all her love,than yes,I too believe that their has to be something else after this life-all that can't just end when your heart stops beating.I was also very lucky to have had such a great mom for 59yrs.how old was your mom?What kills me now is to see some of my friends treat their moms poorly,they don't know how lucky they are to still have them.One of my friends moms just turned 80 and she didn't even bother to see her mom on her birthday,you would think she would have learned something by seeing what I'm going through.People don't know how bad things can get.

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imanisworld

My mom was 56 years old and would have been 57 on Monday (March 9,2009). Yes lot's of people take their family members for granted. I think that it is so unfortunate that they do that. I am a definite believer in life after death. Although I have not experienced it, there are many people who have been dead for a certain amount of minutes and once brought back to this life they seem to all report similar experiences. I believe that that is God's way of showing us to not be scared when we die or when someone we love dies. It is just so hard to be separated from those that we love until it is our time to make our transition. I have always done well with death because of my families beliefs and what I had always been taught all of my life. I believe that the main reason I am having such a hard time with this one, is because it was so sudden and the way that it happened. Also she is my last "real" family member.

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butterfly13

Wow,your mom was still so young also-I'm so sorry!I have been reading alot of books on near death experiences,and it does make me feel hopeful,too many similarities for them to just be coincidence.I had a few strange things happen after my mom died that I think may have been a sign from her-one being a light that turned on by itself four times(it doesn't happen anymore)and a strange feeling that she was still around-I don't feel that she is around anymore,and I haven't gotten any signs from her in awhile-maybe this means she has moved on to where she is supposed to be.Have you had any signs or strange things happen since your mom died?I too,don't have much family left,so I know what you mean,it makes things so much harder to lose that one person who was so important.

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imanisworld

I believe that there have been signs. But I am not 100% sure that they are signs. My mother, as well as several other generations of family, had always talked about the after-life and were blessed with a sort of six sense. I too have a strong six sense about death and some would just simply call it intuition. I believe that everyone is born for a reason. If you are a spiritual person then you know that people are born for a reason. So It is not a hard concept for me to realize that once your work is done on this earth, you will make the transition to the next stage of your existence so to speak. Are you familiar with what the bible calls the silver cord (if not Ecclesiastes 12:6 talks about it in the bible as well as other places in Ecclesiastes talks about there being a time for everything in God's world like being born and dying) I am open to receiving signs from my mom, but don't believe that I have as of yet. But it is still fairly early in her transition out of this world. It is weird that I am starting to see her death as I see other deaths. As I said earlier, I was just so shocked and hurt by the way my mom's death happened that I momentarily forgot what I know and have been taught by her and others. This past week I have been able to start to reflect on this and realize that she is gone from this world, but not from existence. In the upcoming months I will be studying more about the afterlife and trying to understand it more completely. I am just so thankful that there is more than just this life. We owe our mothers and other ancestors because of what they did for us in shaping who we are. The best way to repay and honor them is to be the best you that you can be, to continue the journey that we started with them, and to pass on their traditions to future generations rather that be to our own children or the children of other relatives. I don't have any children and I am in the process of adopting a baby (still waiting). My mom wanted more than anything to be a grandmother. I will continue to try to become a mother so that I can pass on all that my mother and family taught me. The best way to honor them is to do what we planned to do when they were here with us. Do you have any children?

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butterfly13

Everything you have said makes so much sense,I do believe their is so much that we just don't understand about life after death,maybe we aren't meant to understand,I do believe that when we die we will get our answers to everything(I have so many questions of why certain things happen).Congratulations on adopting a baby!I understand-it must be bitter sweet,especially knowing that your mom wanted to be a grandma.My mother wanted that more than anything,in the past I went through many unsuccessful rounds of fertility treatments-every time my mom was so excited and so hopeful,she had even bought a bunch of baby things,she wanted a grandchild soo bad.Ever since my mom died I just feel emotionally drained and now can't imagine having a baby without her here-I know this doesn't make sense to alot of people.Do you know when you will get your baby?

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imanisworld

No I am just waiting. I have been signed up with two agencies for about a year and 1/2. I am single so that is why I feel that I have not been picked yet by a birth mom. My theory is that most women who give their children for adoption are single and that is the reason why they are doing it. They usually want a married couple to adopt the baby. But I know that other single woman have adopted, so it is just taking a little longer for me. I know that It will happen when it is supposed to, I am just praying for patience until it does. My mom was planning to retire once the baby came so that she could take care of him or her while I work. Unfortunately now I will have to hire a nanny while I am at work. That I am not to happy about because it is a stranger that I will have to entrust with my child.

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butterfly13

I too,am single.I tried to adopt a baby,but it was becoming frustrating,so I decided to do invitro-little did I know,not as easy as I thought to get pregnant,the Dr.had no explanation for four failures.My mom was going to be the one to watch the baby also,while I worked.She started to really feel sick in April,we thought she had the flu,but it didn't seem to get better,she didn't want to go to the hospital.The last time I talked to her(one day before she died)she was crying and said she was sorry to be screwing up my plans to have a baby-obviously she had a feeling that she was going to die-I didn't.Now,with her gone,I just don't think that I could totally do it on my own-I really needed her,plus,sometimes I think she was even more excited of possibly having a grandchild-it just breaks my heart that it never happened.

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imanisworld

If you really want to have a baby, I know that your mom would love for you to keep the family going. You would be surprised what you can do if you really want to. At this point I have thought about just having my own baby, but I don't want an unknown donor and the man that I am seeing is not sure that he wants to have more children. He has 2 teenagers (they are twins). It is strange but after my mom's death I really want to have my own biological child now. I have not withdrawn my application for adoption though. I know it will be bitter sweet because I will not be able to witness my mom interacting or seeing her grandchildren. But I know that she can see what is going on with me! I most definitely want to have a child because I will be able to have that special relationship with someone that my mom had with me. Also, I also know for a fact that people know when their time to die is close. When I was younger my grandmother predicted her death on the day of it (she was ill for about a year prior). My mother's brother predicted that his death was coming soon and was preparing for his death before it happened. And when I think back on it, although my mom did not know precisely how or when she knew her time was coming as well. I know this because of certain things she said about a year ago and six months ago, and then about 2 or three days before the accident there were signs from her during our conversations. I believe that is God preparing you for the transition.

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butterfly13

I think it's great that you are still going ahead with having a baby-either your own or through adoption.Maybe my mind will change,I just don't feel like I now have the energy to try anything.It is amazing how so many people know when their time of dying is coming-I know my mom had a feeling long before she even got sick.

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imanisworld

Yeah it is amazing. I know that people always say that our birth into this world is amazing or a miracle. I believe that it is all a miracle. Death from this life in itself is a miracle although it brings painful suffering to those still living. But mostly my pain is really not because she is dead, but because I miss her and can't be with her. Her life has continued into the next phase (spirit instead of human form). The pain does not diminish the miracle just makes it more meaningful at least for me. The death of someone we love makes us reevaluate our lives here on earth. I had my mom for the first 37 almost 38 years of my life (I will be 38 on April 12). After our accident and my mother's death I immediately wondered why the Lord left me here on earth and took my mom. I realize that it was not my time to go yet, meaning that I still have something I am supposed to be doing on this earth. I have always meditated and prayed and asked God what my purpose on earth is, but this made me start to seek the answer even more ferociously. I do know that I want a child and that I want to pass on the traditions that my mom and other family members passed on to me. I had always wanted my own child,but because I am not married decided to adopt. But as I said in my previous post, I really want to have my own baby now or in addition to adopting. I want to see someone who looks like me or my mom or some other family member. Also as I was saying earlier, I had my mom for almost 38 years and I want to have a child as soon as possible because I want to at least be here on earth with my child for the 38 years if not more.

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butterfly13

I really wish I had your attitude.I know by not having a baby now is only punishing myself,but sometimes I also think it just wasn't meant to be-I did try several times,and like I said,the Dr.never had a reason why it never worked.Now,when I look back I think it is because the plan was my mom dying on June 7.I think what I'm waiting for now would be some kind of sign-or even a dream,where my mom tells me that she wants me to continue to try to have a baby-but realistically I know that this won't happen.I just think that it would hurt so much to now go through the whole experience(pregnancy,birth)without my best friend by my side.I was so lucky to have had a mom that was so supportive with my decisions to even try to be a single parent-your mom was supportive too,how lucky we were to have them.I had my mom for 39 years.

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imanisworld

Indeed we were both lucky or a better word would be blessed. I actually went to my first funeral after my mom's today. It has only been about a month since my mom's funeral (she died on January 22 and her funeral was on January 29). I was ok about this funeral. But as I told you before I am usually ok with death. I started not to go, but decided to do so because my coworker was kind of close to me and when my mom died she was so wonderful and concerned. Lots of the people there were surprised to see me there because my mom's death was not that long ago. But anyway, my coworker lost her husband suddenly a few days ago. He just had a massive heart attack and died. I wanted to be there for her and her family. I tell you sudden death is really really hard to deal with. But we can't give up our dreams just because our loved ones are not here to witness the outcome with us. We have to go on as if they were still here. I believe it is the way to honor the memory of them by doing what they would want us to do and what we would have done had they not left this earth.

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butterfly13

You are a very strong person,is your father in your life?My dad died 7yrs.ago from a sudden heart attack-he was 55.After he died,I had more of an urge to live my life to the fullest,I guess because I saw how fast it can all be over.I also had my mom to help me get through the hard times,without her I feel so alone.The one person who was there for me,no matter what,is gone forever and I know it will be a long time before I get used to life without her.I'm sorry about your co-workers husband.I'm sure she appreciates you being there for her-especially after what you have been through so recently.

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imanisworld

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

You are a very strong person,is your father in your life?My dad died 7yrs.ago from a sudden heart attack-he was 55.After he died,I had more of an urge to live my life to the fullest,I guess because I saw how fast it can all be over.I also had my mom to help me get through the hard times,without her I feel so alone.The one person who was there for me,no matter what,is gone forever and I know it will be a long time before I get used to life without her.I'm sorry about your co-workers husband.I'm sure she appreciates you being there for her-especially after what you have been through so recently.

My father is in my life. But not really. My mom was a single parent so they never married. They were both young when I was born. She was a Freshman in College and he a Sophomore. He decided that he did not want to deal with raising a kid. I don't really hold that against him, because he was only 20 years old and you know men are so immature. He went his separate ways when I was born and got married to someone a few years later after college. My mom always told me who he was and answered my questions about him and his family. I did not meet him until I was 8 years old. He has tried to make up for it, but we are not that close. He was at the funeral and most of my mom's friends that were at the funeral were friends that they both had from college. It was awkward for him because people were like "oh my God it is you" when they saw him. So that is why I said not really because he is just like someone I know and not really someone I consider a parent.

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butterfly13

It does sound like your mom did a good job as a single parent-your dads loss.But I do understand,20 is so young.My mom was 20 when she had me and my dad was 22.He was a good father,but not really there alot.We bcame alot closer as I (and he)grew up.He was always there financially,but not so much emotionally.What kind of work do you do?

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imanisworld

I am an Electrical Engineer. It is not what I want to do finally. My first college degree was a double major in Journalism and Business Marketing. I worked in radio for a while and then decided to go back and get my Electrical Engineering degree. I am currently in school to get prerequisites for medical school and had thought (before my moms death) that I would go to get my medical degree to become a physician and also enter a dual degree program that would allow me to also get a law degree to later practice malpractice law. The plan was to do that and later study theology. I have lots of interest and want to do many things before I leave this earth. Since my moms death, I have been toying with the idea of changing course from the med school prerequisites and getting a degree in religious studies and then possibly getting a masters and doctorate in divinity. As I said earlier I had always planned to get a degree in theology/divinity but thought that I would do the med/law thing first. But I think that i will change course. I am currently enrolled in 3 Chemistry courses and 1 physics course (the semester started 3 weeks before my accident and moms death) so I will finish that out and then start Religious Studies courses this Summer. It won't slow me down much, looks like I will still be able to graduate in the same amount of time! I am just so far behind because I missed 3 weeks of school. I am glad that I have this week off from work and spring break from school in order to try to catch up though!

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butterfly13

Wow!Good for you,so many goals-your mom must have been very proud of you!Was your mom as spiritual as you?I'm an occupational therapist,I work with the geriatric population.Most of my patients are 80 and older,one is 104!!And she is doing great,she will go home soon.It's nice to see people live so long and do so well,but than it really hits me-my mom was still so young when she died,but than again I know that people lose their moms when they are much younger.

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imanisworld

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

Wow!Good for you,so many goals-your mom must have been very proud of you!Was your mom as spiritual as you?I'm an occupational therapist,I work with the geriatric population.Most of my patients are 80 and older,one is 104!!And she is doing great,she will go home soon.It's nice to see people live so long and do so well,but than it really hits me-my mom was still so young when she died,but than again I know that people lose their moms when they are much younger.

Yeah she used to tell me that all the time and at her funeral service that is what everybody kept saying so I guess she told them as well. Yeah my mom was a very spiritual person. In fact, it was her words that she always used to says that I immediately start to think about after her death. She used to always say that people don't die before their time. I guess she was right because we were both in the same accident, sustained minor injuries, and she died from the seat belt. My main question now through prayer and meditation is why wasn't it my time? What have I been left on earth to do that I am not currently doing? I am just waiting to be guided and hear the answer. It amazes me to see people who have made it over 100. My great grandmother lived to be 94 and died when I was 17 years old. I just love to talk to older people and get their perspectives on life. Occupational Therapy sounds interesting!

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butterfly13

You sound like you will definitely achieve alot in your life time.My job is interesting,you get to see alot of people recover and go home.Most of my familiy members seem to die in their 50's,it makes me wonder how much time I left,but ever since my mom died,I am not afraid to die,I just want to see her again so bad!

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imanisworld

I understand that completely. I feel the same way. I am not really afraid to die especially after my mom died. It is really strange. My great grandmother and her siblings mostly all died at the age of 94. My Grandmother and her siblings all died in their 50's. My mom had 2 brothers and they both died in their 40's and of course she was 56. So you never really can tell. As I always say, you have to just live your life as if the present day is your last.

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butterfly13

I know your mom died because of the car accident-the seatbelt.If you don't mind me asking-how did that happen?I thought seatbelts were supposed to save lives,not end them.Was she really injured,or was it more internal?It just sounds like such a freak accident.

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imanisworld

[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

I know your mom died because of the car accident-the seatbelt.If you don't mind me asking-how did that happen?I thought seatbelts were supposed to save lives,not end them.Was she really injured,or was it more internal?It just sounds like such a freak accident.

I started to lose control of the car by coming too close to a construction median that narrows your current lane. I tried to regain control and I guess I over corrected. That sent the car spinning across the interstate. There was a dip in the road where the road ended and the side of the road began and the car dipped down and caused it to rollover. So that sent us upside down basically hanging by the seatbelt and being affected by gravity. I only had a minor scratch on my wrist and the funeral director and medical examiner said that my mom only had a minor scratch on her knee that was probably from the windshield shattering due to the rollover. My mom said to me that the seat belt was choking her and I couldn't get her out. Because I was upside down and had nothing to balance myself on. She said this twice and then just "passed out". Or so I thought. When I thought she passed out she had actually died and the paramedics could not revive her once they got her out of the car. What actually happened according to the medical examiner is what they call Positional Asphyxia. The way I thought about the seat belt was that it was supposed to keep you safe as well. But it is designed to keep you in your seat and safe from not being thrown out of a car during a crash which most times keeps you safe. I guess in a rollover crash where you are upside down your weight is pressing down on it and it is doing its best not to release and can sometimes be very tight (even upright). If you are hanging by your weight and it is restricting your breathing it could happen. When I looked this up on the internet, I found out that only 13% of deaths occur that way. So yes it is a freak accident in that aspect. That is one reason why I believe people don't die before their time, I just wish that her death was not supposed to happen with me at the steering wheel.

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butterfly13

OMG,what a nightmare you have been through!!One minute your driving and talking to your mom,the next minute all that happened,and your mom is gone-so so sorry!!!I definitely do believe that she would have died at that time no matter what she was doing,it was her time,but for you to have been there and experience all that isn't fair.Maybe God felt that you are a strong person and would be able to handle this-you do sound like a very strong person.I remember when my brother told me my mom died,of course it hit me like a ton of bricks,but I remember thinking-this is going to get worst and hurt more down the road,as I miss her more and more and realize she isn't coming back,and I was right-it hurts soo much!!!:(

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imanisworld

I am a very strong person. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't. At the funeral that I went to yesterday, my coworkers daughter was just wailing and crying and clinging to her mother. She is an adult about 3-4 years younger than I am. So I was surprised at her reaction at the funeral. But I know that people handle grief differently. There would have been no way for me to do all that I had to to do if I was that grief stricken. Because I am an only child I had to plan the whole funeral and take care of all arrangements myself. I am from Chicago and had to fly there to make all of the arrangements and also arrange for my mom's body to be shipped back to Chicago. The funeral director that handled the services was also a former coworker of my mom's. My mom was a teacher and he used to be her Assistant Principal, but has sense retired. He was in the mortuary business part time when he was also in education full time and handled several of our family members in the past. Anyway, he has since retired and does mortuary stuff full time now. He even said ''how strong I was" in that I met with him right after I arrived from the airport and picked out the casket and started to tell him what I wanted and just finalized everything. I wrote the obituary and set up the funeral service and program. I guess I have seen all of my family die and how it was handled and I just knew what needed to be done. I had a job to accomplish. So I guess from what everybody says that makes me strong, but that is just me. It amazed me that people said the things they said. People at the funeral even came up to me and expressed their condolences and said that she was so proud of me and that just knowing that I had no help and did everything myself and that the service was so beautiful that she would have been so proud of me. I guess that should have made me feel better but It didn't. I knew that one day (because I am an only child) I would have to do that, but thought surely it would be at least 20-30 years down the road! But God had other plans! How long has it been again since your mom died?

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butterfly13

It will be 9months this Sat.since my mom died.Yes,to be able to to take care of all of the arrangements by yourself -you are a strong person.I was lucky,I had my brother who made all the arrangements and I paid for it all,that was our agreement.I just felt like someone sucked the life out of me after my mom died.I took a month off from work,but I really don't remember much of what I did(I wasn't taking anything)I was just heartbroken and not too functional.I do remember going back to work was the hardest,every morning my mom would call me to say good morning,so when my first day back to work the phone didn't ring,the reality of her being gone really hit me-such a lonely feeling without her in this world.

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imanisworld

Yeah I understand completely. My mom lived with me and I work evenings and she worked days as a teacher. She would always call me and tell me that she was home from work on my way to work. Also she would call me during her lunch breaks or other breaks at work. We talked about 4 to 5 times a day about everything and about nothing (if you understand what I mean). I do miss that and it feels so weird for her to not be here when I come home at night. During school nights she would be sleep by the time I got in but she was here. I sometimes heard her going to the bathroom in the middle of the night. On Friday nights and other weekend nights she would be up on the computer or doing her jigsaw puzzles (which she loved to do). There is even an unfinished puzzle here behind me (at the dinning room table) where she used to do her puzzles. I could not bring myself to break it up and put it away. She has several that she did finish. I will just put those away shortly (they are still on the table). But the one that she did not finish, I guess I will leave it out and have friends come over to finish it then put it away with the others. I would finish it, but I don't necessarily like to do puzzles. Also, I would just be in there talking to her while she did them. So I think I will just let friends finish it. Also, I brought all of the bags home after the car was released by the police (due to the death they held the car for investigation, but it was totaled anyway),. Her suitcase is still down stairs and not in her room. I will take it upstairs and unpack it and just put it in the closet with her other things. I have not done anything with her things as of yet. I just closed her bedroom door and have not spent much time in there. I know eventually I will have to remove her things and possibly give the clothing to charity, but for now I am not concerned with that. It is a really hard adjustment. I know you have been going through this longer than I, how long did it take you to handle your mother's personal belongings? It is hard enough to drive my mom's car. I let the insurance company rent me a car just a few days ago, instead of continuing to drive her car. I have to admit that once I had the rental and would come in at night and see her car on the other side of the garage, it made me feel (for a split second) like she was upstairs sleeping. Also, when I sleep I think that I forget that she is dead and for a split second when I first wake up I feel normal. Then I realize my mom is dead and the sadness comes back. (sorry for such a long post, but it is very comforting communicating with you).

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butterfly13

Trust me,I totally understand,sometimes the only way I get through my day is thinking she is still at her house,just a phone call away.It must be so hard for you,since your mom lived with you.My mom lived 15mins. away,I drive through her town on my way to work,I used to stop by to see her in the mornings or right after work.Everywhere I go reminds me of her,sometimes just going into a certain store brings tears to my eyes.My brother was living with my mom for the last 2 yrs.since he got divorced,I'm ashamed to say this,but I still haven't gone to her house-I just can't.Just thinking of it makes me get panicky.My brother started bringing alot of my moms favorite things over for me to keep,my whole spare room is full of her things,some nights I just go through her stuff and cry.I also talked to my mom 4-5times a day,sometimes like you said,we wouldn't have anything to say,but we would stay on the phone with each other,hang up,and than talk again an hour later.I would give anything for that now.She was my best buddy.

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imanisworld

See that is what I was talking about earlier. I want to have that same type of relationship I had with my mom with my own child, hopefully a daughter. I think in some way it will be good for me and make my mom happy. She really really wanted grandchildren. It really does take time. I guess I just have to let time run its course just as in any death that we experience. Do you attend any grief counseling? I had my first session about 2 weeks ago. I don't have another session with a psychologist until March 20. The first session was just me basically telling her what happened and her saying that it was not my fault. So it was just preliminary.

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butterfly13

I do understand wanting to have the same relationship with your own child.My mom used to say-my dream for you is to have a daughter that is as good to you,as you have been to me.But I also have so many friends who don't have the relationship with their moms like I was lucky enough to have with mine-but it also makes losing them even more painful.I went to for grief councelling twice,the first time I told my story and cried my eyes out,the second session I cried even more because my little 5 yr.old cat(my baby)had unexpectantly died 2 days before.Boy,was I a mess!!The councellor started to cry with me,and than didn't have much to say so I never went back.Honestly,this web site helped me alot!I met a really good friend through here-her mom died the same day as mine,we e-mail each other constantly.It helps to talk with someone who is going through the same thing,feeling the same,otherwise you feel all alone.Friends try,but they don't totally understand if they haven't been through it.I just broke up with my boyfriend because I just don't think he was emotinally there for me like I would have liked.It's very hard when you don't have a husband,kids,something to keep you going,something to give you a reason to wake up in the morning-boy,am I depressing or what?

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