Members fallonwoods Posted February 21, 2009 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2009 So, I am 22 years old and 2 years ago, I lost my Dad to a long battle with cancer. We were very close--I am his youngest daughter of 5 girls and 3 boys. Last week, his long-time best friend, also my godfather and the person who stepped in when Dad passed away, was lost unexpectedly. From what we can tell, he suffered a heart attack in his bathroom and did not contact 911 but tried to go back to his room and go to bed. My brother found him unconscious. He lingered for almost a week before passing away.Losing Ken was like losing my father all over again. I cannot describe the amount of pain I'm feeling right now over this loss. My sisters and I spoke at the funeral and I guess that day was really the day that it hit me that Ken was gone. Since then, I've milled around my apartment not knowing what to do with myself. I cry on and off all day. I find myself crying at the oddest things...sometimes over sadness for my father and sometimes for Ken. Sometimes I don't even know which I'm crying for.I hurt all over. The pain is physical. My heart hurts. I feel this aching in my chest and i feel like this pain will never go away. There's that lump in my throat like I'm going to cry all the time. Today my sister came over to return a shirt she'd borrowed for the service and when she gave it to me, I broke down. Totally lost it. She ended up here for almost 3 hours.I don't understand why, of all of my siblings, I am the one who seems unable to handle this. My brothers and sisters...they face all of this so well. They are brave and even though they shed tears, they can move on. I feel like I left my entire life in a hole on Wednesday. I buried Ken with a picture in his pocket of my dad, him and myself when I was about a year old...we're in the pool in the backyard and they are just playing with me in teh water. That picture kind of sums up a part of my life that is over now. These two men were the first men in my life and the people I looked up to, the people I trusted to tell me the truth when my brothers teased me, the people I trusted to mend my broken heart over boyfriends...and now they're gone. I just feel this incredible sadness that I cannot shake. I'm writing this at 1:10AM and it's because I cannot sleep. Instead, I think about these losses. I think about what my life is now...it's like I am having trouble with identity as a result of losing my Dad and Ken. Maybe this is all ridiculous. I don't know. I just don't know how to move on right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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