Jump to content

Help Man to help a Woman to love after a death


Recommended Posts

  • Members

I'm in love with a woman who lost her husband 1 year ago.  I need help how to best love her at this time and be there for her and also to get her to love me openly and start a new relationship with me.  So I need a miracle.. :)

Some Background: I've known her for 5 years. I fell for her deeply 5 years back while she was in a serious relationship with a guy struggling to get over a drug addiction.  She took interest in me too back then.. but not enough to stop her serious relationship.  She married this man with the drug problem against my attempts to stop it and we stopped talking out of respect for her marriage.  The man she married ended up dying due to a drug relapse. Her marriage lasted 3 years.  She took a risk with him and she lost.  She is the most caring, open and loving woman I have ever met.. my perfect match for the love that I have within me.

1 year ago today...right after the death of her husband she came back into my life.    She came to me after his death probably out of comfort and she knew I was a good man and she had nobody in her life to turn to as support other then her family.  Her family is kind of dysfunctional and her father has had drug problems himself.  Her father is now clean.

When she came back into my life I was so damned excited because I thought at first she had divorced him.. not that he had tragically died.  So I had to be a decent human being and put aside my desire for her and be there for her platonically.  This proved very difficult and due to the intense intimacy of our conversations, embraces..etc. we jumped into a secret relationship of sorts... way too quickly.  Secret because it would have been frowned upon by her husbands family and her own.  I spent probably 5 hours a day with her for 5 months.  Loving her. Holding her...helping her smile.. listening to her pain.  After about 1 month in we were having sex.. but it was the closest thing to making love that I have ever experienced..  We said we loved each other and then she realized how messed up it was to love me and her deceased husband simultaneously and cut off our relationship.  Timings a bitch.  I regret jumping into intimacy with her too quickly but nothing was pressured or manipulated in the process leading up to it.  It happened out of intense love and desire on my part and I really think we have something together.

After she backed away from me she started dating another man that she sees maybe once a week...who is very distant.  He doesn't give her the attention she usually needs so it was the perfect relationship for her.. something where she doesn't have to feel.  Something where she doesn't have to risk loving and losing again.  Something where she isn't vulnerable.  Something painless because she is scared to love again.  At least that's how she's explained it and I suppose I believe it?  Although part of me thinks shes just saying that to string me along?

I've invested so much in her and I know that she is the woman for me.  She has told me that the reason she can't be with me is that she loves me so intensely.. a love similar to the love she had with her X and she doesn't want that right now.. and maybe never will?

That just leaves me waiting.. because it gives me hope that one day she will love me.. she will be able to love.

I'm in a horrible spot here.  I need help finding out how to best love her and not be her tool in the process.  When will she be ready to love again? I know everyone is different.  How can I be her councelor basically and her wanna be boyfriend?  Isn't there a conflict of interest there?  Sometimes I think there is.. other times I think that I am the man who is teaching her how to love again.. I am showing her that I am always there for her... showing her that I would never hurt her.. showing her that she is safe with me.  Laying down a blanket for her to risk loving again....

I try to even talk to her deceased husbands spirit when I'm in the shower.. asking for his help.. asking him to let her love again...  It's a seriously dramatic series of events and any advice would be greatly appreciated

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Administrators

Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA


Beyond Indigo Family

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.