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Help! a man help a woman to love again after a death


lovehealsloss

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lovehealsloss

I'm in love with a woman who lost her husband 1 year ago.  I need help how to best love her at this time and be there for her and also to get her to love me openly and start a new relationship with me.  So I need a miracle.. :)

Some Background: I've known her for 5 years. I fell for her deeply 5 years back while she was in a serious relationship with a guy struggling to get over a drug addiction.  She took interest in me too back then.. but not enough to stop her serious relationship.  She married this man with the drug problem against my attempts to stop it and we stopped talking out of respect for her marriage.  The man she married ended up dying due to a drug relapse. Her marriage lasted 3 years.  She took a risk with him and she lost.  She is the most caring, open and loving woman I have ever met.. my perfect match for the love that I have within me.

1 year ago today...right after the death of her husband she came back into my life.    She came to me after his death probably out of comfort and she knew I was a good man and she had nobody in her life to turn to as support other then her family.  Her family is kind of dysfunctional and her father has had drug problems himself.  Her father is now clean.

When she came back into my life I was so damned excited because I thought at first she had divorced him.. not that he had tragically died.  So I had to be a decent human being and put aside my desire for her and be there for her platonically.  This proved very difficult and due to the intense intimacy of our conversations, embraces..etc. we jumped into a secret relationship of sorts... way too quickly.  Secret because it would have been frowned upon by her husbands family and her own.  I spent probably 5 hours a day with her for 5 months.  Loving her. Holding her...helping her smile.. listening to her pain.  After about 1 month in we were having sex.. but it was the closest thing to making love that I have ever experienced..  We said we loved each other and then she realized how messed up it was to love me and her deceased husband simultaneously and cut off our relationship.  Timings a bitch.  I regret jumping into intimacy with her too quickly but nothing was pressured or manipulated in the process leading up to it.  It happened out of intense love and desire on my part and I really think we have something together.

After she backed away from me she started dating another man that she sees maybe once a week...who is very distant.  He doesn't give her the attention she usually needs so it was the perfect relationship for her.. something where she doesn't have to feel.  Something where she doesn't have to risk loving and losing again.  Something where she isn't vulnerable.  Something painless because she is scared to love again.  At least that's how she's explained it and I suppose I believe it?  Although part of me thinks shes just saying that to string me along?

I've invested so much in her and I know that she is the woman for me.  She has told me that the reason she can't be with me is that she loves me so intensely.. a love similar to the love she had with her X and she doesn't want that right now.. and maybe never will?

That just leaves me waiting.. because it gives me hope that one day she will love me.. she will be able to love.

I'm in a horrible spot here.  I need help finding out how to best love her and not be her tool in the process.  When will she be ready to love again? I know everyone is different.  How can I be her councelor basically and her wanna be boyfriend?  Isn't there a conflict of interest there?  Sometimes I think there is.. other times I think that I am the man who is teaching her how to love again.. I am showing her that I am always there for her... showing her that I would never hurt her.. showing her that she is safe with me.  Laying down a blanket for her to risk loving again....

I try to even talk to her deceased husbands spirit when I'm in the shower.. asking for his help.. asking him to let her love again...  It's a seriously dramatic series of events and any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

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lovehealsloss

I really appreciate your response. 

 I don't think it's right to put time limits on when someones ready to love again. 

Isn't everyone different in their resliency and every situation different?

If your husband was a drug addict and he died.. wouldn't that make it easier to be open to enter a new relationship quicker? 

  I think she will never be over the loss completely and will always love him.  I'm respectful of that. 

Anyone out there that lost someone and moved into another loving relationship after a year?

Any advice on what I can do to best love her at this point?

Thanks

 

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One year is a very short time.  I'm in my third year and times can still be very hard.  For me, I have no desire to be in another relationship, as my Ishaq was the love of my life and my soulmate.

You can't force someone to get over their grief and move on, even if the relationship she was in was far from perfect.  The best you could do is to be her friend and not pressure her into jumping back into a relationship she isn't ready for.  At this time, most of us needed friends to be understanding and listen to us, but many were not ready for another relationship.

This may not be the answer you want, but it is the truth for those of us who have lost our partners.

Blessings,

Anna

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lovehealsloss

I know grieving can take long.. can't you love someone else and open up in a new relationship in the process of grieving another.. doing it in a healthy way without repressing it?  She tells me everything.. she doesn't repress the loss.  She does love me but fears feeling for another.. risking another loss.  But shes dating another man now.... an easy going relationship that doesn't involve a great deal of love and emotion. 

People need love right? Even if they did lose another tragically?

At what point exactly is it healthy to love again? What happens from within you? 

You will always miss that person.. she will always miss her husband right? So why not move on after a year with someone that loves her?

I don't get how this is wrong or too soon.. or what takes place exactly as more time passes?

 

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lovehealsloss

Anybody out there find new love?

What worked and what didn't work in regards to how he/she treated you after dealing with your loss?

She comes to me with every emotion right now.. she knows she can...

I just need her to trust that I'm always there for her.. and help her to open back up to the risk of love again after losing her husband

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You are asking questions of us that we perhaps cannot even answer for each other, even knowing that we know of what we speak as nobody else does.  There is no time that will be best, and she may not ever feel that the time is right to have a deep relationship.   I am in a relationship now that we started right after the first anniversary of my Terry's passing.  He also was supportive emotionally, but I was drawn to him in ways that weren't normal because I wasn't far enough along in the grief process.   (I know this now after more than another year has passed.)   We are now just getting  back to being friends after almost a year of separation - and it feels better now.   It has now been 3 years for me and in some ways still seems like yesterday - the feelings are still very raw sometimes.   I don't know if it will work this time, but if it doesn't I know that I am now ready for a deep relationship.  I don't know what your age is, but I am 62 and I thought I knew what grief was about after losing my dad and my brother, but I had absolutely no idea.

Most of us on this board have been coming here for 2 or 3 years, some longer and some less.   It is hard to tell someone how long it will take until they feel normal again.  It is impossible to know, everyone is different.  If I knew the two of you personally, I probably couldn't tell you any more.   I remember hearing myself laugh for the first time after Terry died - it shocked me and I realized I was finally on my way out of the abyss - it was past the year mark at that point and a couple of weeks into this relationship the first time around.  I think he came along because I really needed him then, I am not sure if I would have survived had he not reached out and pulled me out.  That being said, I was not ready for a relationship even so.   Hopefully this time I am. 

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It is hard to speak for someone else.  Grief is different for each person.  For me it has been 14 months now.  I lost my husband in a traffic accident.  He was in my driveway one instant and 15 minutes later he was killed in an accident a mile from our home.  I miss him terribly we were married for almost 23 years and dated for 4 years before getting married.  I am at a point now that I "think" I would be ok to go out for dinner, a movie just have a friend that is a male that I can trust to not take advantage of my situation, not looking for a serious relationship just a friend.  The reason is I really can't picture myself in any sort of intimate relationship at this time.  It wouldn't be fair to the other person to give them false hopes.  I think it would simply be trying to mask the pain at this point in time.  Probably the best thing you can do is to be supportive of her and not push her into a serious relationship at this time.  If it is too painful for you to just be friends you might need to give it time and put some space in their for yourself. So that you don't get hurt.  I no that this is not the answer you are looking for.  I just know how I feel at 14 months.  Still so many feelings and memories to sort through.  I have to figure out who I am at this point in my life.  Until I do, however long it takes, I couldn't possibly get into any serious relationships at this time in my life.  Wishing the best in your situation.

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