out of place

[sadbeyondwords]

I know this is not the "correct" place to be posting. This week, it will be a year since my mom's tragic, painful and horrific death due to medical errors. I had previoulsy posted in the loss of parent section many months ago.  I had stopped posting abruptly because the pain was so extraordinary that I was unable to write or think or function. Several of you introduced yourselves and provided the kindest most thoughful words when I could not breathe and when I thought I  no longer wanted to breathe again. And for that I am so grateful. I have since taken comfort in reading the posts in this section. I feel like I know some of you quite well and your beautiful children. Sometimes, reading your posts here is the only thing that keeps me breathing. Sometimes it is the only thing I can do when I wake in a panic in the middle of the night from grief.  It is extraordinary, searing pain that I feel every day-sometimes only knowing that others are out there feeling similar extraordinary  pain allows me to take a tiny step forward.

 It is almost a year and I am plagued by the images again of her dying. I am angered by the egregious mistakes that occured and the neglect. I am angered by the complete lack of compassion that the nurses and the doctors showed even though they were the ones that made the mistakes. Before this happened, I could not have imagined that some of those in the medical profession could really be so sickening. It is hard to believe that such things exist in this day and age. That my mother died a painful death and doctors and nurses smiled and made snide remarks after she died kills me. That they told me to hurry up because I was taking too long saying my final goodbye after she died makes me sick everyday-they told me they needed to clean the room for the next patient so I should hurry it up. My mother was not supposed to die then. The guilt that I still feel for bringing her to the hospital for a minor procedure overcomes me and that I did not bring her immediately home when there was the slightest hint that she was improving makes me sick everyday. She would have been alive.The what ifs are dangerous to think about. The constant bombardment of the images of her pained face and her eyes when she took her last  breath plague me. The laughter that I heard in her room from the doctors and nurses when they "attempted " to resuscitate her play over and over again. I cant undestand how this happened. how? why? The anger, sadness, guilt just dont go away. The pressure on my chest that prohibits a deep breath gets heavier and heavier.  A year without my mom. A year without the most gentle touch of her hands, a year without her most adorable smile and loving words, a year without the most incredible, warm, nourishing hugs. I have been in a daze for a year-not even sure how the seasons past. Not sure how i got up and did the necessary things. Cant remember how I made it here. Cant imagine how I will live a lifetime without her . But I will continue to read and learn from you who walk a different yet similar journey.

Again, I know i should not be posting here and I will not again. Losing a child is different, unimaginable and not supposed to happen. I am sorry. But I do want to thank you for sharing and allowing me to hear and see your messages of trying to live after devastation.

[mpsmom]

I dont think there are any rules about where to post, there are a tremendous number of compassionate mothers (and fathers) here on this 'link' .   I am glad our (their) posts have brought you some peace.  I am sure your mother looks down on you and is watching over you , as she did when she was here on earth.   My heart goes out to you.

Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forver

[shorty16]

I am glad you are here!  When I read your post, I feel everything you feel.  I feel them about my son, Brian.  16 and dead - How does this happen?

You have such an elequant way of writting, it was really nice to read.  I relate totally to what you are saying.  I think to myself "How can I go through life without Brian?"  Even though we have 2 other children, our house is so quite now.

I would love to hear more about your wonderful mother.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

I am so sorry for your ache and pain, tell me more about your Mom. How old was she when this happened? Did you get a lawyer for a medical malpractice suit? Have you gotten any assistance for your grief? I went to a therapist about 5 months after Eri died, and it really is a help to many. This place is also the best to gain support. Don't worry if you feel you are in the wrong 'room', just come and let yourself be heard so that you can let yourself find some healing.

Dee

PS you know your Momma would not want you to feel guilty, so let's find a way to rid yourself of that. Guilt is mighty destructive.

[sadbeyondwords]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. You seriously are truly wonderful.

I held my breath for the past few days until the 1 year date was over. I alternated between fits of hysteria and incapacitating  fatigue as I mentally went through all that occured on that horrible day and the weeks preceding it. I have tried to imagine what what have happened if the first mistake was not made. What would have happened if the idiot doctors didnt do this...then that. I played out each scenario. I imagined her coming home which is what was suppossed to happen. How did it not? I really had no idea that such horrrible things could have happened. Never imagined it would happen to my mom- I had always been so grateful and thankful that I had my family together. You know on those really cold nasty days outside, when wind the howling and it is dark: I would look at my family, all togher in the warm house filled with love and think how thankful I was that we were all here together. And now I cant. Now during those type of days,  i get such a horrible chill and I think my mom must be so cold in that horrible darkness and rain. It is hard to get past that.

Dee: My mom was not yet even 60. I have not pursued a suit because I dont think I can mentally handle this-to relive the details (although I do it everyday in my head) and to face those idiots would be exceptionally difficutl and I can just imagine that those idiots have some crazy,aggressive lawyers defending them. But i do feel that it needs to be known that some of these doctors are real quaks and some of these nurses are sickening.  I have not seen a therapist.

I just think they wouldnt get it or me. But you guys do. You all really do. Just reading all of your messages is probably more beneficial than hours with a therapist I think. And you and indigo are there when I need it-particulary those panic stricken hours betwen 2 am and 6am. thanks

 

[butterfly13]

sadbeyondwords- I feel your pain.I lost my 59yr.old mom this past June.She was my best friend.I too,read the posts on Loss Of A Child because the only thing I think that can feel worst are the parents who have lost a child.I admire how kind and supportive they are to each other while going through the unimaginable(I haven't been able to have children).My mom had been going to Dr's for years saying she wasn't feeling good,they all told her she was fine.Last April she was feeling worst than usual,and ended up dying from total organ failure-why?we still don't know.I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your mom.As the 1yr date gets closer,I am also suffering from anxiety,nightmares etc..life will never be the same.I just feel so lonely without my best buddy.I will keep you in my prayers.To all of you who have lost their beautiful child-you are always in my prayers!!!