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Marital problems


azsummer2003

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I have heard that many marriages fall apart because of the stress of the death of a child.  I've also have heard that that's bullsh*t because if your marriage was strong before the death, it will stay strong.  And it if was weak before, well, it just gets weaker.

I've been happied to a man I married when I became pregnant with my son Taylor (who died) and we had one other child (a daughter). Since my son's death, I feel as if the marriage is over in his mind. As if, the whole reason he married me no longer exists so why bother staying?  We never had a strong marriage, I was always the one who wanted to try harder. He's always felt that it was his responsibility to take care of us.  He is by no means a bad person.

He is SO depressed. I am ready and willing to foster boys (since we both seem happier with kids around) and I am trying so hard to do whatever i can to keep him happy.  I have had breast cancer and i have Chron's disease, plus other stuff.  In other words, my health sucks.  I don't work full time anymore so I have no insurance other than what I get through his work.

I know we both grieve differently, but I feel as though he just wants to be single again, because he can't take being married anymore.  If we divorce, we could not afford our daughter's college education.

HOW did everyone make it through?  Ignore that there is a problem? Carry on? I am terrified to be on my own as I do not live near family, and I am so terrifeied any separation would wound my duaghter further.  He is not a nasty person, he just doesn't seem to be interested anymore.  It's been nearly 4 years.  Could it be his age (he's 49) or can depression effect someone that way also.

He's not a talker, he cries when we discuss our dead son. I am afraid that he will snap and do something like hurt himself, or just up and leave. 

To those of you who got a divorce afterward, how did it effect your surviving children? I know he does not or refuses to take that first step because he knows how much it would hurt our daughter.  But if I do it, then she will be disappointed in me, and she says all the time how much she needs us both - together. (She's 18 and many states away at college)

Can a 50 year old woman find companionship after divorce? Can the children survive this too? Should I just thank my lucky stars and go about my business? I am more of a homebody - but I do things. I just don't like going out everyday of the week.

Has anyone else gone thorugh this and what did you do? What did your children think? Where di you move to?

I am almost at the point where I am willing to leave, get a crappy job and foster children, since I identify most with being a mom. Help?

Thanks.

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It simply is not easy to stay married when you feel so alone with it all. I think that even very strong marriages sometimes end when there is a death of a child. If a marriage is not strong at the start, it is almost a given that it ends. But taking the other kids into consideration is key. Can all of you go to family therapy? Are you all able to find a way to speak what is in your heart? You see, sometimes weak marriages get stronger with this, the thought of losing more is too much and people really work to save and honor their marriages. It is not uncommon to go through what you are and ultimately, you will need to do what is best for you...you have some issues that need attention. Life has handed you a great deal of hurt my Dear, so please keep posting and reaching out so that you can be supported in your life.

Love,

dee

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"Since my son's death, I feel as if the marriage is over in his mind. As if, the whole reason he married me no longer exists so why bother staying"

This sounds like the way my husband thought I felt. I know that when my son was stillborn everyone kept telling us that losing a child sometimes hurts a marriage. I didn't see it happening with us but at the same time I couldn't really see anything happening. My life was a blur for the longest time. When I found out that my husband felt like I stopped loving him after I lost Brayden it all hit me. I didn't realize he felt that way and didn't realize how cold I was towards him. I hope that this is the case with your husband and that you are able to work it out. Good Luck!

Amanda

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heartbeataway

My guy and I could not be closer.  Losing our son was a time that we clung to each other and he literally held me up at times.

I went to bed when exhaustion got the best of me and then I would wake in sobs at just about three every morning just repeating no, no, no over and over.

He would hold me until I cried myself back to sleep. I could feel his tears on my shoulder.

The first nights, we would turn on the lights and write Jason's eulogy together.

At Jason's memorial, Rich had added a special recognition to me from Jason.

I remember sitting there, watching him say the words that I knew were so hard for him to say, our goodbye to Jay.  At times, I knew he was struggling, but I also remember thinking that I've never loved you more .......

Rich and I are best friends.  We married three months to the day after our first date and we've been inseparable since.  Jason is my only child.  Rich adopted him after we were married.  He was a wonderful father to him.

I'm sorry that it's hard for some of you.  I think Amanda had a good point. I tried to be conscious of the fact that Rich lost a child too.  I tried not to forget that he was hurting too. I know that he doesn't openly grieve as I do.  I've heard him talk about the time he spends with Jason in the car while he's driving home from work.

Rich was the one who made me realize that my thoughts that I coud not to go on without Jason because the pain was more than I thought I could bear were self-centered.  He told me that, "you act like Jason is the only one you ever loved".  What about me and all the others that love you.

That was both eye and heart opening.

I hope that the lines of communication open and that things are already better.

I wish you hope. Love and healing is being forecast ........

Bonnie

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It is very hard to take the time to care for a partner when you are barely hanging on yourself.  My husband sometimes feels like I don't care about him or he can't make me happy anymore because...surprise!... I am not as happy as I used to be.  I miss my son so much.  I still cry for no apparent reason sometimes.  Depression and grief sure take a lot out of a person.  I think we can misinterpret silence or lack of interest as lack of love for us when in fact it is depression and grief from losing one of the most important people in our lives....EVER.  Some psychologists have said it can take up to 3 years to grieve the loss of a child (I think it takes a lifetime).  How commited are we to making our marraige work?   Can we love someone when they are changed and depressed and unable to support us like we want and even need? When they ignore us or seem distant. Can we communicate with them and let them know that we are not the same because we are struggling to deal with the pain we still feel over losing our child.  But we still love them and will be there to support them for the long haul?  It might be easier to run away and not have to deal with supporting someone hurting so much.  Someone grieving differently then you.   

I know it is much easier writing about hope in our relationships then living through them sometimes.  Remember that we heal at different rates.  We grieve differently.  Like a marathon.  Some might walk and some might run.  Some might start fast and slow down and some might start out slowly and pick up speed.  If we run faster for a while, can we not go back and walk along side our spouse offering support?  I don't know your husband and what is going on with him.  I can't tell you to stay or go.  But I can tell you that he may not be who you want him to be.  He is hurting and grieving and maybe completely ignoring you and unable to give you support right now.  It boils down to how committed you are to him and you marraige.  Are you willing to try to love him when he can't love you the way you want and need him to?  

I wish we had easy answers.  I am working at trying to love my husband even though I know we both have changed with grief. 

Here is an article I ran across today. 

http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-grief/grief-and-marriage/taking-care-of-your-relationship-after-the-death-of-a-child/

 

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Losing a child DOES test a marriage, believe me.  Even the strongest marriages go through bad times after such a dreadful event.  Men do grieve differently from women and don't forget that we are first and foremost mothers - we carried our children for 9 months, we walked the floors when they were stressed, hungry, frightened or sick.  We were the ones that nursed them at the breast, pureed their first solids, heard those first precious sounds.  Stayed awake when they came home late, cried when they cried - when they die, part of us died with them and we will never ever be the same again.

When my son died, I lost the spontaneous me, the one who would take a chance, laugh at stupid jokes.  Life suddenly became a frightening place and 13+ years on, I still cannot find the spontaneous me because I still hurt and I still have a broken heart and always will.

I have been married for nearly 37 years - my man is good and honest and has been my rock in the blackest of times.  But he knows, bless him, that since our son died, the 'old' me that he married and loved has gone forever.  But he accepts that because he is not the same anymore.  We muddle through and try to do our best.  There is no wrong or right way to behave after the loss of a child - you just have to do what is right for YOU and trust that others can accept the altered person you have become.

My daughter said to me a while back, 'Mum, you are different since Matt died, but I have got used to it.'  Now that is acceptance!

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What a sweet thing for your daughter to say......very wise

XOXOX Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

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