Jump to content

Knowing how to start


aaronwasmyboy

Recommended Posts

  • Members
aaronwasmyboy

Well here goes. It is a long story so please bare with me. And PLEASE don't judge me too harshly. I will start at the moment of loss and skip around a bunch because I know now other way to tell my story. As I said, I just don't know.....

My son Aaron Anglin was killed in a car accident September 23, 2007. His wife and two SMALL children were in the car with him and thankfully survived with no long term injuries to their bodies. His oldest Daughter Eleanor turned 1 three days after his death and MacKenzie was 6 weeks old at the time. My daughter called me at 10:30 at night to give me the news. Which that in itself killed me that SHE had to tell me. How painful for her.

As far as we know he just went too far over the shoulder and he over corrected and flipped the car and that was that. I would, of course, like other parents like to believe there was and oncoming car or something that made him do that but I will never know for sure. All I do know is that he is gone. So there are the basic facts of the story, Now to move on.

This is not the first time I have grieved for this same child. I went through a nasty divorce and my exes family gained custody of both my children. It wasn't that I was a horrible drug addicted crazy abusive mother. They just had more money and better resources then I did. I was 19 and had ten days to make serious choices about their lives. I didn't care what happened to me. I just wanted my babies to be okay. I did what was best for them even if people think I could have risen above it all and done it on my own. Well, this all happened from the time I was 17 and 20. My parents had gotten divorced, I got kicked out for rebelling, met my ex, got married had two babies and was getting this divorce whether I wanted it or not. Of course there is much more to the story and if you want more details just ask.My point is is that I knew in my soul I was not emotionally or financially capable of taking care of them the way they should be taken care of. SO, I lost them.

Then came the visitations. Man, I thought it would kill us all. My daughter would scream and cry and hold on to me and beg me not to go. My son would then also start crying even though he wasn't sure of what was happening. I wanted nothing more then to kill myself at those moments. I didn't considerate it healthy for any of us. I actually wanted to kill my ex for allowing all this to happen along with his meddling mother. But that is just normal I think. I stopped seing the children because it was killing us. I didn't see them from the time they were 2 and 4 until they were 15 and 17. I went straight into numbing myself as much as possible until they were old enough to try to understand. AND THEY DID!!!!!!!!!

I had ten great years with my son. I got to see him graduate from high school. I got to be at his wedding and dance with him. I had the chance to explain myself and he understood and loved me anyway. I came home with him and his wife the night their first child came home from the hospital. I had the chance to be his mother. I am so greatful for that. It was so special for all these reasons. So when I got the call I just couldn't stand it. All I could say was, "that's not right". And I still feel the same.

I am muttling through but barely. I don't let anyone else see it or allow them to acknowledge it. I am trying desperately to handle it on my own because I have no money for counselling or anything of the sort. I have found that there is plenty of help if you are religious but if not, yer on your own. I wake up and pretend every single day that I am fine. I laugh, I do all the things I am suppose to do, I try. Deep inside if feel isolated, fat, sluggish, I am in severe physical pain most of the time. I am in complete denial and just want someone stronger then me to pull me out. My problem is always that I end up being the strong one for everyone else. You know, so I do have to seriously look at me. I am affraid if I do I will have to make serious changes in my world and I just don't know if I can. Maybe someday.

Well, there's the brief version. I would like some input from others. Some help finding non religiuos based help for myself. And don't think that this situation has made me turn my back on God. It has nothing to do with this. And please don't say that maybe now is the time for me to seek HIM out. Aint gonna happen. That is a whole nother story. I just need something but I don't know what. I don't know how to start trying to do this. So if anyone has helpful suggestions please let me know.

Sincerely,

Aaron's Mom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

aaronsmom:  I don't usually sign into other sites than the "Loss of an Adult Child" section of this site, as it gets too complicated for me to keep everyone's name straight, and I just get too confused trying to remember it all.  But I saw your post and thought I would send you an answer to let you know that you are not alone in your feelings or your pain.  It is such a horrific thing to lose a child, and especially after all you went through and then got to have those years with your son, finally.  I am so sorry you are going through so much pain, and I hope that you are able to find help soon.  As for suggestions, I am sorry but I don't have any.  I guess it would depend a lot on whether you are in a small town or a large city.  I know that hospice places have help available, but that is usually in conjunction with someone who has died and received their services beforehand, but I would say it would be worth a try to call them, perhaps they could direct you to somewhere that you could get the help you need to deal with this terrible loss.  There are also community centers where sometimes counseling help is available.  Another place is a university, sometimes they have student counselors, guided by fully certified counselors, and the sessions are only 10 or 20 dollars.  Of course, if you are not near a university or college, then that wouldn't help. 

I wish you the best in finding someone to help you one on one, but for now, internet grief support groups can be very helpful.  BI has helped me through the loss of my 31 year old son, Mike, from brain cancer---he also left children behind...3 boys, now 4, 11, and 12.  

 Perhaps you would like to post on the "Loss of an Adult Child" section...I am sure you will receive a lot of support, comfort, caring and understanding there.  This is a very painful, bumpy journey, that none of us ever asked to be on, but we are and the only thing we can do is help one another, send strength and love and support to one another...we are the only ones who truly understand what we are going through, and the understanding goes a long way to helping each of us make it through one day at a time and sometimes one breath at a time.

I wish you peace and comfort.

carol   mikesmomrs

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Aaronsmom, 

I am so sorry for the loss of your wonderful son.  I am sure that the ten beautiful years you shared together will be a source of comfort to you as you continue this painful journey. 

 I  lost my only son 20 months ago and find the the feelings of isolation and the need to pretend  are my new normal.  I do not post often but  find a great deal of comfort just coming here.  Just to be able to read, cry and not feel so alone has helped me.

I will be thinking of you and hope you will consider  this group a special place where everyone knows your pain and will listen.  You will be heard by a special group who know only too well the pain and sadness you live with.

Please take care of yourself, check out the chapter of compassionate friends in your neighborhood and come here often. 

Betty (Stephen's mom)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Arronsmom, how dearly that Child loves you and you Him. That will never be taken away, while so much has. The struggle that you lived through shows that you are a devoted Momma, that your Children felt it by finding ways to have you back in their lives. How very dear that you saw Aaron graduate, get married, and hold is first child and help them in that transition time. Those memories will both ache in you and cause you great joyous memories. Now, the act of getting on will take getting help and I don't agree that you are in denial because you Do know you need some assistance, and you do know each morning that you are putting on a smile and an act in order to get through the day. You are aware of your motivations, you are aware of your pain.

Please tell us where you live in case any of us are nearby and can further direct you to services, and do post on Loss of an Adult Child, there are many of us there, and it may be overwhelming at first because we know each others stories, but we will soon know yours too, adn we wil surround you in our joined hearts. There are some new to grief Moms and Dads and you will feel welcome in reaching out alongside of others new to this. I myself, have been coming here for about 5 years, I find it to be what helped me live in the beginning, and I find it a place to find both communion, comraderi, and compassion. I went to a private therapist for a few years, stopped, went back when I felt myself slipping, and I keep up here because I join in on honest and affirming conversation about loss of our Children. No judging, we have all been hard on ourselves in one way or another, this place is Home. As Carol stated, there are usually services through a township that can help you greatly, and usually have a sliding scale, adn so if you have very little money, they will either not charge or charge very little. Find out about the FAmily Services in your Community. If you do not know how to go about that, type in your town in Google or whatever search engine on your computer, and services will show up more than likely, if it says township office, they may be able to direct you.

My hope is strong, and that comes with help and time, so please come back, you took the biggest step when you sent this to Beyond Indigo.

Dee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

[user=26126]aaronwasmyboy[/user] - It is hard to know how to start let alone find answers when you lose a child. Your story has many pockets of loss. 

After all the struggles to have your boy back in your life then to lose him seems the hardest thing.  Its been almost 2 yrs since I lost my eldest boy.  He left behind a baby girl, now 3.  I am unable to see her, problems with her mum. 

I know I felt in the weeks before Mike died that he had overcome so many obstacles in his life and was entering the next phase of growth and peace.  It wasn't to be. 

I have been here for 20 months also seeing a psycologist who is experienced in Grief and Trauma counselling.  While there are no magical answers that will ever erase my pain or bring my boy back, here, there is support, a knowing, a place where the pain and the anguish is eased and Micheal is remembered......

I post mainly under Loss of an Adult Child.......I hope you can join us, we are varied, have lost our child in different ways, yet we are one........

Take Care - Trudi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

aaronwasmyboy I understand what you are going through I lost my girls because of the court system their dad had money. I had them back in my life when they were teenagers but not completely. When my oldest daughter needed help I was there. She got married I brought her husband from scotland but to make a long story short she had alittle boy I then got to be a mom and a grandma then in 2005 cancer struck and finally took her in early 2007 I didn't have enough time with her I missed out on so much. So I know how you feel. I also let their dad have them because I couldn't provide for them. And religion doesn't help you your faith does I know.

Deb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
tanmanmymagicman

aaron's mom; We all know your pain;  We go to school to prepare for life???????  Never learned how to prepare for the loss of a child.  We never thought it would happen to our family;  When I lost my 16 yr old son Tanner is a rollover auto accident; I blamed myself and STILL DO (I am mortal). he should of not been driving that morning? But when we did get the call and I was at the scene I asked for another mother that I knew had also lost a child ; when she came to my home later that day it had been 8 years since she lost her son and she had NO words for me I only remember her shaking her head; she was still grieving herself;  Now I understand why she had no words as I have had to learn well I am still learning and will be for the rest of my life; I am learning the fact that I have to go through all this pain , hurt, loneliness, added weight gain; aches and pains I never had, being in seclusion as I feel like everyone is afraid to be around me or that I just have to put on a happy face when I am not happy;  I live in a small town and everything , everyone reminds me of my son; he was very outgoing and popular , good in sports and everything he did; He was special.  special to me; he was my baby; So I guess what I want to say to you is that you ARE NOT alone; when you wrote part of your message was how I am TODAY;  I know that only I can help myself; I KNOW that ; so I know I can chose what to eat; try a little exercise; start slow; stop taking meds;  things are getting a little better and then some days like at Christmas I was a total mess for 2 days; cried and was disorientated; lost my wallet and several other things; I am my own worst enemy (I think); my husband has good insurance and I was seeing a therapist and she was good but the whole time I thinking how is this helping me???? she has no idea how grief is affecting my psychology; so I called her last week and cancelled; she thinks I am doing better? huh. what does she know; I know that sounds harsh but the death of my son has been harsh to my life and has affected by entire family; I worry about my 21 year old daughter;  so so close to her little brother;  Now I stress that if something happens to her I would not want to live so, so much for positive outlook on life;  I KNOW nothing will happen to my daughter;  She is a survivor;  When my son died that day;  1/2 of me did too;  I will live on; I will probably live to be an old lady ; but I am having to relearn.  Don't ever apolize for anything you did or do in life; After all its your life;  Take control;  I need to take my own advice;  I just had to write;  I could feel your deep dark pain;  It hurts like hell and its with us always;  I wish you alittle peace and confort;  I hope I have helped you.  Bless you;  You are a great mom who misses your son; Like me; my name is Cindy; Tanner's Mama Gama (thats what he called me) I love him soo soo very much;  He was quite the young man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Aaron's mom, I am so sorry for your pain.  This is a good place to reach out.  There are people here who care about you and who care about Aaron.  Please post when you are able.  

You did not say where you live.  Compassionate Friends is a support group for bereaved parents.  Do a google search of you are interested.  They are not faith-based, there is no fee to attend.  It does not matter how far along you are in your grief, you are welcomed there.  Please consider attending a meeting.  If there are no meetings in your area, at least post here and read back thru previous posts when you are able.  I know it is too painful some days to read the posts and see everyones pain, but other days it is cathargic to know that we are not alone and the people here care.

Try to take care of yourself.  Terrie (Adam's mom) 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello Aarons mom, i too lost my son in a car wreck. My son BJ died on Nov 9th, 2008. He had just turned 19, had just graduated high school and had just started college. His adult life had just begun and now it's just gone. 19 years of loving him, taking care of him, guiding him & making sure he was never in pain, all is gone in one instant. My heart aches & yearns to see him again, just to see his face, hear his voice. I am a new member of BI, and like you, have no desire to talk about religion. It's not that i don't believe, it's just that i probably don't believe as most do. I believe in my sons soul, i believe there is more than just death after we die; there is something more. This may come from a personal need or desire, call it what you may, but it's what i choose to believe. Anyway, BI has helped me when no one else would talk, when no one else was there at all. BI is my way of pouring out all the pain, love & memories and no one has to see me cry. I frequently wake up in denial & think my son is just at college, he will be coming home soon. I hate reality! I hate the fact that i know i buried my son. I still find myself calling his cell phone and begging him to just pick up the phone, please pick up the phone. I believe i know your pain, i believe i know how your heart breaks everyday over & over. Just know some peace in the fact that you did get time with your son. His love was unconditional and he returned it freely. He was & will always be your son.    BJsMom(Deneace)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
tanmanmymagicman

I just want to write and say how proud I am of all of us trying to help that mother ; how do you start?  to live without your child.  we all poured our hearts out and I hope we did connect with her.  My heart just feels warm right now reading how we reached out.  Love to you all ......................Its Feb. 2, 2009 and almost midnight. can't sleep as usual.  Is going to bed scary for everyone else???????  Its too quite and then you know you will wake up and be scared and lonely again.  That's my biggest struggle; sleeping....... if I take pills I get really depressed ; so its a no win situation.  Bless you all so much; you are all so loving.  Also religion is a hard one I honestly grew up going to church ; my grandma made me; i loved it and I really though God loved me and I felt he thought I was special.  I still do (I think) I try to say if he loved me so much why did he take my son; but its always God did not take him..............................blah blah blah. sorry getting grumpy now. 

cindy; tanners Mama Gama; who in my mind is at peace..................................

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.