i found my girlfriend dead

[luke886]

last wednesday i got home from work to find my girlfreind of four years had hung herself, it has been one year since we lost our baby to an ectopic pregnancy, she was under a lot of pressure at work and i cant cope with this pain i pulled into the driveway and i could see her through the spare bedroom window hanging there, but my eyes couldnt register what i was seeing, when it sank in i ran up the stairs but she had been there for hours she was so cold and i had to lift her up but i couldnt get her down and i had to leave her to get the neighbours to help me, and i laaid her down on the bedroom floor and kissed her face and held her and spoke to her and screamed and cried like a baby until they took my beautiful sexy generous wonderful amazing girlfriend out of our perfect little house on a fucking trolley in a body bbag, i just feel completely numb. we were so happy but she masked her depression so well but im thinking about all the little warning signs and the things she said, she made an attempt a week ago by taking some pills and she told me she had been in the garage looking for a rope to hang herself, so we sat and talked about it and she became more positive and we got her a doctors appoint ment so she could start taking anti depressants agin but she had only been taking them a week so they hadnt kicked in properly. after she had gone i looked on her phone and her search history had videos on 'death by hanging', she had researched it, and the night before she did it we were cuddled up on the sofa watching sons of anarchy an it the episode ended by one the guys trying to hang himself, but the next morning when i took up her cup of coffee and sat with her for half an hour before i left for work everything seemed fine and i gave her a kiss and said i love you ill see you later, and left for work,

 

i have been to the doctors this morning and he has given me diazepam, i just want to kill myself and go and find her so i can say im sorry and protect her once more.

 

[HeyJude]

I am so so so very sorry.  Your story just breaks my heart.  I will pray for the universe to give you peace, as much as you can bare, to get through this.  My thoughts are with you.  This is so very sad.  She was a beautiful young woman.

[LostMyBaby]

Het Luke, so very sorry for what you are going thru. I feel safe in saying that all of us here wouldnt wish these feelings on our worst enemies. Take your time and don't think as hard as it may be that it is the end of the world. There are many people here that feel your pain and are here for support. Keep her in your heart and know that she feels you protecting her. Dale

[KG21]

@Jimmy I am so sorry to hear of the passing of your love. It’s only been 5 weeks for me, but this site has helped me tremendously. We get it here. Share your story, read others, and let us all help support you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you are supported by friends and family where you are. Lean on people. Thinking of you. 

[Gail 8588]

@Jimmy I am so sorry for your loss.  

Be kind to yourself.  Don't expect to be able to do things you have always been able to do. Just breathing can be challenge enough on some days. 

Lean on friends and family who offer support. I am so sorry you have reason to join us, but welcome.

Gail 

[KayC]

@Jimmy I am so sorry for your loss and the complicated grief you are experiencing.  We want to be here for you as you go through this.  It's important for you to know you are not alone in this and there are others here who have also gone through this.  Right now I would imagine you are in a state of shock, unreality, that is to be expected.  I hope you have support around you, caring family and friends.

It would be good to see a grief counselor and talk to specialists that can help you through suicide loss.  Meanwhile, I hope you'll come here, cry, vent, scream, all of the above to help you process this.  It's a process, not something that's just over and done with.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide

 

[GoldenRose]

@Jimmy 7 weeks ago I found my husband after he had taken his own life. It is worse than a nightmare and the trauma is very difficult to overcome. I was diagnosed with PTSD very quickly after and continue to struggle with my day to day. Recurring nightmares, anxiety, depression and horrible images every time I close my eyes- even just to blink. I have a hard time eating and sleeping and small tasks drain all my energy. 
 

However, therapy has been amazing for me. I am also on prescription pills and have weekly calls with my doctor. I practice self compassion, and do only what I can. Work gave me 3 weeks off, but I’m actually happy to be back now. It’s not easy, but we understand and we are here for you. One day at a time, though usually it’s one moment at a time!

[RN-Nix]

@Jimmyno words will take away thr pain but lean on us here as we try to help each other through. I can't imagine imagine what you have experienced but I feel your pain  sending you a big hug

[RN-Nix]

@luke886the trauma you have experienced is unimaginable. I won't even pretend to know how traumatized you must have been and probably even to this day. I see your post is from 2014 and I'm just praying that you are still here. Sending prayers and  a big hug to you.