Members azsummer2003 Posted December 11, 2008 Members Report Share Posted December 11, 2008 :(It's been a few years for me, and it seems as though EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN TAYLOR. God, it makes me so sad. Is that all it took? A few years to completely forget my son? Life is so unfair. Holidays are here, I'm smiling like a christmas tree for all the world to see and yet, I am just a burned out light bulb inside. I just put Faith Hill's song Christmas is Here on Taylor's site and I just cry and cry when I hear it. If crying is so healing, then why am I still in such pain???I've been working on a book, and I keep wanting to write about how it just never gets "better" past a certain point. Does it get better a few years down the line? Sure, it's not the same uncontrollable crying and raw pain it was the first year, but boy or boy, it still hurts! Yet when I tell people I want to write that it still hurts, I am told not to do it. If I don't I feel as if I'm lying....It's as if EVERYTHING has a cloud over it. I smile, I'm polite, I tell people how wonderful they look, I "sound" positive. Yet right after I compliment someone, I feel sad. I Do try to sound happy. I DO try to smile. I do try!But in all honesty -- I think I'm at the point where, I'll survive, but I will never be truly joyous again, you know what I mean? Sure, I can laugh at a joke, giggle at a movie, love a happy song. But at the end of the day, I'm still preoccupied with the thought of, "I wish my son Taylor were still alive."I want to write that it doesn't get as good as others claim it does. What do these people have? 12 children? Did they not get along with the child that died? Did they expect it all along? Can they have lots more because they are in a great relationship and are still young enough to do so? I know people in these positions who are affected by their child's death, but not like us. They are of the few who either have some warped faith in "god" or they were never that close to the child that died. So to them, it hurts, but not like it does to us.What is it that makes this so difficult for us? I know a few women who are in their mid forties and can't have anymore children because they are just too old and they have LOST THEIR ONLY CHILD!!!! How does one recover from that?????I know my grief is intense, but I have to believe that those people who are even more unfortunate than us to have lost their only child whom they loved immensely at a time in their lives when having another one is impossible has GOT to be worse than what we are going through. I have such a hard time trying to make my friends online that are in that situation feel better. I do not know what to say. Because, I know if I were in their shoes, I'd so not want to live anymore.I'm just so tried and sad. I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine. But other than writing an ocassional post online, I don't tell others how I truly feel.Does anyone feel the same?Thanks.Lorihttp://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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