sad and all alone

[azsummer2003]

:(It's been a few years for me, and it seems as though EVERYONE HAS FORGOTTEN TAYLOR. God, it makes me so sad.  Is that all it took? A few years to completely forget my son? Life is so unfair.  Holidays are here, I'm smiling like a christmas tree for all the world to see and yet, I am just a burned out light bulb inside.  I just put Faith Hill's song Christmas is Here on Taylor's site and I just cry and cry when I hear it.  If crying is so healing, then why am I still in such pain???

I've been working on a book, and I keep wanting to write about how it just never gets "better" past a certain point.  Does it get better a few years down the line? Sure, it's not the same uncontrollable crying and raw pain it was the first year, but boy or boy, it still hurts! Yet when I tell people I want to write that it still hurts, I am told not to do it. If I don't I feel as if I'm lying....

It's as if EVERYTHING has a cloud over it.  I smile, I'm polite, I tell people how wonderful they look, I "sound" positive. Yet right after I compliment someone, I feel sad.  I Do try to sound happy.  I DO try to smile.  I do try!

But in all honesty -- I think I'm at the point where, I'll survive, but I will never be truly joyous again, you know what I mean?  Sure, I can laugh at a joke, giggle at a movie, love a happy song. But at the end of the day, I'm still preoccupied with the thought of, "I wish my son Taylor were still alive."

I want to write that it doesn't get as good as others claim it does.  What do these people have? 12 children?  Did they not get along with the child that died? Did they expect it all along?  Can they have lots more because they are in a great relationship and are still young enough to do so? I know people in these positions who are affected by their child's death, but not like us. They are of the few who either have some warped faith in "god" or they were never that close to the child that died.  So to them, it hurts, but not like it does to us.

What is it that makes this so difficult for us?  I know a few women who are in their mid forties and can't have anymore children because they are just too old and they have LOST THEIR ONLY CHILD!!!!  How does one recover from that?????

I know my grief is intense, but I have to believe that those people who are even more unfortunate than us to have lost their only child whom they loved immensely at a time in their lives when having another one is impossible has GOT to be worse than what we are going through. 

I have such a hard time trying to make my friends online that are in that situation feel better.  I do not know what to say.  Because, I know if I were in their shoes, I'd so not want to live anymore.

I'm just so tried and sad.  I'm so tired of pretending I'm fine.  But other than writing an ocassional post online, I don't tell others how I truly feel.

Does anyone feel the same?

Thanks.

Lori

http://www.TaylorBurgstahler.memory-of.com

[hotrod]

Hello Lori

 

Thank You for sharing your heart  honestly with us.  I lost my only son 19 months ago and I too pretend a great deal.  No one remembers and they all seem to feel as if I can just participate in all getherings with joy.  I cannot.  Deep down I feel as you do and I believe I will always feel this way. 

I loved my son more than life itself and now that he is gone life is meaningless.  I try everyday to honor his memory in some small way and to forgive those who have forgotten

I think your book would be a best seller.  You would be speaking your truth and will touch many who are too afraid to admit how they feel. Do not let anyone stop you

Betty

[azsummer2003]

Betty,

I will take your encouragement as a sign - why? because my mother's name was Betty!

I have probably read nearly all the books written about the death of a child and none of them tell it like it is.  I don't want to cause someone to fall deeper into depression (as if that is even possible) but I do feel as though we are in this underground group of people who are not allowed to think and say as we really feel.

I'm not going to go out and kill myself, but I feel as though I have the right to let others know that, having a dead child sucks and under some circumstances, it can be worse for others.

I'm sorry, I'm ranbling, I just feel like I've been kicked while laying down,, you know?

[lolynbo]

LORI,

I LOST MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER ALMOST 6 MONTHS AGO TO A BRAIN TUMOR..KOURTNEY HAD JUST GOTTEN MARRIED 9 MONTHS BEFORE...I DONT KNOW WHY LIFE IS SO UNFAIR AND SAD...IM STILL NUMB FROM  MY LOSS...SHE WAS/IS MY BEST FRIEND, DAUGHTER, CO WORKER (WHICH I HAVE NOT YET BEEN BACK SINCE)

WE WERE AWAY WITH KOURTNEY 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS AND JESUS TOOK HER HOME..(READ MY PROFILE ON HERE) IT WAS A ROLLER COASTER NIGHTMARE WHICH I RELIVE ALMOST EVERYDAY OR EVERY NIGHT IN MY DREAMS/NIGHTMARES...

YOUR SON IS BEAUTIFUL AND HE IS NOT FORGOTTON...IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE

HERE FOR YOU

LORRI KOURTNEYS MOMMA

[mpsmom]

Lori, my biggest fear is that my baby girl will be forgotten, She is my only child, I am 55 in a couple weeks and would not think about having another to replace her, even if i could...i think that for some of us, the healing may take longer, I don't know if it has to do with her being my only one, as for people who have more than one child i think they love them all differently.  She and I were very close, but she had started to spread her wings and enjoyed being out with her friends alot.  She was a social butterfly.  I miss her horribly, and there are days I wish the terrorists would just blow the world up and we could all be with our children again.  My faith has been tested, I dont know why he took her from us,  someday I hope I can find peace with it.  I have made alot of good freinds on this website in such a short perod of time, we are all in the same 'boat'  without a paddle.  I try to honor my sweet daughter everyday in some manner, if it is only the fact that I get out of bed and do something......most days I do alot...because it has to be done, but I want to live my life differently now, to enjoy the small things and not worry about the other stuff....she is gone and life will never be the same, I cant pretend it is the same.

Hugs to you ,

Marcia

[heartbeataway]

Marcia,

I have never blamed anyone or been angry ....... maybe it's just all bottled up inside somewhere. 

~b

[mpsmom]

Bonnie, there are days that I am very angry, not in particular at anyone or at God, but angry that I am forced to have this different life now, I so enjoyed the life we made for her... my husband quit a construction job and went to med school for her.. so we could have the life he wanted us to have, so I  could be an at home mom and she would never 'want for anything'.  Material things certainly dont make the world go around (dont get me worng)  but we have a comfortable life and she was able to enjoy alot of things that some adults never experience.  He provided her with a full life, and now it is EMPTY without her here with us. Warm Hugs to all, Marcia 

[bbarbie55]

Lori I am one of those people with Faith in God and I have two daughters. My oldest Bobbi passed away April of 2007 and my life hasn't been the same since I was prepared for six weeks she might not make it but I still held on. She had cancer I went with her to chemo and dr appts. I knew a little infection could take her out and it did. You see it don't matter how you seem or how many children you have it still messes you up.

Holidays are the worst time of year but I do have another daughter to think about so I put on my happy face for everyone and make the best of it.

My daughter was my life and now she is gone and I can't fill the spot she had no matter how I try.

Deb

[ericasmom]

No pretending necessary here that is for sure. I am so sorry for the sadness that everyone is carrying, those of us here for some time, and those new. It is going to feel differently one day, and as Taylor's Mom said, it gets to a certain point...and beyond that we are unsure. Well, my girl, Erica left here July 14, 2003, 5 years adn 5months ago, this is our 6th Holiday season without the girl that LOVED GIFTS, both giving and receiving. I can honestly say that I do feel joy in my life, that it does go beyond perhaps where you have found yourself, but I also find myself blue more often than ever before Eri left, and I find myself more anxious, afraid something else will occur and take someone else that I love. I used to worry that ERica would be forgotton, I believe it was my biggest fear for the first year, and then I saw that she simply wasn't, that she is carried along in the hearts of those who love her. Is she the main topic of conversation? Absolutely not, nor is she other peoples' first thought of the day, but she is not forgotton. She rests in the lives of her friends and takes joy in thier joy, watches over them as best she can, and celebrates their successes and holds them in thier sadness. She is everywhere, and while it is deeply important to me to know that she is remembered, I realize that the biggest joy for ERi is to see that her death did not cause anyone to stop living their best lives. She lived it fully, and like Taylor, she was the one to try to unite her friends, to befriend a lonely person, to make sure that stray animals had someone to love, and food in their bellies, she has a wonderful spirit, and tonight she is surfing on the wind.

God Bless on this eand each day,

Dee

[shorty16]

To all,

I am almost 6-months into this journey of grief.  My situation seems so different, but the end result was the same, my son, Brian is dead.

My anger toward the two boys involved in this insane car-surfing incident is overwhelming.  If I knew I would not get thrown in jail (or the funny farm), I would march into that school and pummle those two boys to within an inch of their lives.  But, as an adult who likes my freedom, I know I cannot do that.

Brian's death was so senseless, just very poor judgement by 3 teenagers that resulted in the death of my son.  With the court hearings still going on, the families have not spooken to each other.  Right now I am too mad to say anything nice to them.

As for being happy, I have found that my new life also requires new entertainment.  My family is unable to do the things we did with Brian - It is too painful.  I have found that doing things we have not done before is somewhat joyous - nothing to compare it to.  Christmas in Miami is our next activity as a family.  I could not handle waking up on Christmas morning without Brian.

I agree with you all.  Life without our kids in very sad and sometimes I sit back and wonder how I can go on without my son.  We have 2 other children, but they do not replace him - my kids are suffering also.

I do not know when it will get better, but doing new things has brought a smile to my face.

Colleen  Brian's Mother Forever.

[ribitsmom]

I think a book would be a wonderful idea, even if you are telling the truth about time passing and the pain and heartache are still there; what parent would not understand it?

I am more than 5 years into my grieving, we lost our daughter Bridgette on Sept. 26, 2003 and can say that it still hurts, we still can not sleep through the night and we still want our daughter to walk through the door. I always thought a book on what to do if you lost a child would be a wonderful tool for parents that need to make decisions that they never thought they would need to make. How to choose a place to hold the services, the funeral, buying a plot, picking out a casket, how to pay for it, how to cope with your grief after the numbness goes away, thank you cards, obits, starting up a memorial, so many things that are firsts for parents.

I have another child, Brandon that is still with us, but I must say (without knowing what it is like to only have one child) that it is still so very difficult. I can't have any other children so who will be my son's confidaunt now? Who will watch his kids, who will his children call "aunt"? What cousins will his children play with? Who will be here to share his pain when his father and I pass away? There are so many concerns when you have another child too. These comments were not meant to minimize what a parent that lost an only child is feeling, just to offer another view as a parent that has another child that is left behind also.

Peace to all, Denise

[davidsmom]

Oh Lori! Believe me when I say you are not alone, at least not alone in the sense of no one else feeling many of the same things as you!! Its as if you wrote things I so often think since David left us a little over a year ago...it has NOT gotten "easier"...not in the least. I doubt it ever will. It will just be "different".

I often feel so completely alone, although realistically I am not. I have a 15 year old son who is very needy, especially after the hellish year we have had. Jack is the only thing that us keeping me grounded most of the time. I really have no one else. No brothers or sister, aunt, uncles, or close friends. My mother is my best friend, and her grief over our loss was so devastating that she had a massive stroke in July. While she is better, her memory has been impacted tremendously, and many days she "forgets" about what happened. When she remembers, its as if she heard it for the first time. Its heartbreaking over and again. So, its not like I can turn to my mom for comfort. I cannot turn to my son either, he is hurting too much himself. Even my dogs, who have given me so much joy over the years, are little comfort these days....Without David, little matters.

Reading the posts from other grieving parents is my only "comfort", a;though it doesn't actually make me feel much better. In fact, it can compound the grief. But,it does make me feel less alone, and sometimes one of the wonderful mothers will say something so kind and comforting, so knowledgeable...These women are gifts to me and I love each of them for reaching out to my pathetic self when they themselves are just as miserable as I.....In the past I may have been able to contribute in some helpful way, but now its as if I am lost on this journey, just struggling to somehow make it through until I am not needed here in this life.  I often daydream about that time when I can go find my David. Is this selfish? Probably, but I guess I will be selfish. I miss him so much my insides hurt...everything hurts.

Enough rambling here. Lots of love to you and all the other moms and dads missing their children so much....

Lisa (David's Mama)

http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com

ps Your Taylor is a beatiful child who is in my thoughts tonight, along with his mama. David was also just 17 when he was killed so needlessly....

[mattsmum]

Hi Lori, I am new to this site but like you and everyone else who has joined this group, share one common thing, I lost my son.  It was over 13 years ago, but like you, not a day goes by when I don't mourn his passing, crave his smile, yearn for his voice and long to hold him in my arms.  It never goes away and I have learned that no matter what in this life, I will NEVER get over Matt's death.

I trained three years ago, as a grief and bereavement counsellor who works with young children.  I know all the information there is to know about grief and bereavement, but actually living it 24/7 is not the same.  Of course we cope day to day, but the missing and the yearning will never go.

Everybody grieves differently there is no set pattern to follow.  Grief is like the tide, it ebbs and flows.  You revisit every aspect of grief, day in and day out.  One day we are sad, another day we are angry and so it goes on.....I have learned that these feelings will follow me all the days of my life and even if I am old and grey, I will still love and miss my son.

Of course people will forget our children, they do not do it out of spite, but forget they will.  I've had people say quite heartless things to me, then look at me and say, 'oh sorry I forgot you lost your son!'  I have learned to put on my hard-hat not to take things too personally because until others walk in our shoes, they will never quite understand.

This is a wonderful place to be where like minded people can support each other, share good times and bad times, but most importantly be allowed to be grieving mothers and fathers.

Love and Light,

MattsMum

[bjsmom]

Hello Lori, i too feel like everyone is forgetting about my son. It has now been 10 weeks since his death and the pain i feel is a raw, heartwrenching ache; so undescribable that these mere words cannot express. My son BJ, who was 19, was killed instantly by a Brandon Ms. police cruiser who was on a burglary call. The policeman was driving 72mph+++ in a 45mph zone (possibly without lights or sirens as some eyewitnesses have said); my son was driving 12mph as he attempted to make a left turn. The wreck occurred sometime between 12:10-12:30am on Nov 9th, 2008; we did not receive the call until 3:15 that early Sunday morning. Although the police, from the very moment the wreck occurred, have implied that it was my sons fault there are so many things just not right with their story. A week later his toxicology report came back and was splashed all over the papers & media; this was big news apparently, and was to be considered a criminal investigation as it invloved a cop. His BAC level was 0.07 and he had a marijuana level of 4.7. Ms. legal BAC level is 0.08 but we do have a zero-tolerance level under 21. When the police released this information their official investigation was over. Their was no mention in the papers & media that the policeman had a 16 yr old boy in his front seat and that the cop was not wearing his seatbelt(Ms. state law and common practice on an emergency call). No mention that 1 of 2 police witnesses who are saying that the cop "did have his lights on" is actually dating a Brandon cop; she is saying that she watched the wreck in her rearview mirror as she was making a left turn. She said that she did not run to my sons car to see about him but instead ran to the police cruiser as she thought it was her boyfriend. Their is much more and i vow to find out the truth. Oh yes, i almost forgot to mention; the police have told us there was a video-cam in the cop car, they are saying it was damaged in the wreck...

[azsummer2003]

((((((((ALL THE GRIEVING PARENTS)))))))))

Thank you all for sharing.  I know this sounds sick and pathetic, but I feel comfort to know I am not the only one in my predicament and that SO many (too many) parents are hurt just as bad, if not worse than me.

[fwood7]

Hi

Just want to say this is my first time on this site, I lost my beautiful son 2.5yrs ago. He was killed in a serious motorcycle accident.  My life since has been what you all call different, not the same (EMPTY), TYPICALLY GOIN THRU THE MOTIONS.!! The subject of feeling like people are forgetting is so true 2.5yrs have past and since that horrible day 8/22/2006, right in front of my eyes people have dropped away little by little.  Losing a child is so awful, that people do not realize what they are doing.  They make things so much worse by being i guess insencitive.  In the beginning people are everywhere giving and doing everything, then before you know it, its all gone and you are now more empty then before if possible.  I want to say more but this is so hard, i will again soon.  My grief councelor and spiritual advisor says i should get out my feelings in some form of writing, so i thought i would try this, thanks for listening.

Fran 

I will attach a pic of my boy he was 20years old.

d.bmp

[mattsmum]

[user=19004]fwood7[/user] wrote:

Hi

Just want to say this is my first time on this site, I lost my beautiful son 2.5yrs ago. He was killed in a serious motorcycle accident.  My life since has been what you all call different, not the same (EMPTY), TYPICALLY GOIN THRU THE MOTIONS.!! The subject of feeling like people are forgetting is so true 2.5yrs have past and since that horrible day 8/22/2006, right in front of my eyes people have dropped away little by little.  Losing a child is so awful, that people do not realize what they are doing.  They make things so much worse by being i guess insencitive.  In the beginning people are everywhere giving and doing everything, then before you know it, its all gone and you are now more empty then before if possible.  I want to say more but this is so hard, i will again soon.  My grief councelor and spiritual advisor says i should get out my feelings in some form of writing, so i thought i would try this, thanks for listening.

Fran 

I will attach a pic of my boy he was 20years old.

Hi Fran

In reality, your loss is still very much new and your emotions are still very raw.  I work as a grief and bereavement counsellor and like you, I lost my only son but almost 14 years ago, so I am that much more along the journey that we travel.  But to be honest, I still have those 'black' days and probably always will.  That is the reality of what has happened in our lives.

Your son was very handsome and I cannot even think how you feel when you contemplate your loss, but if it is something like I feel when I look at photos of my son, Matt, then I can appreciate your feelings.

After my son died, I found writing very therapeutic.  I wrote poetry that was personal to me and looking at it now, I cannot believe how raw my pain was.  I also walked a great deal.  Took my dog on long walks across fields and when I got in the middle of that field, I shouted and I screamed!  I had to get rid of my anger and also my pain in some sort of physical way.

Oh on the subject of people - yes they do move away, they do stop phoning and sending cards and at times, they are darn right insensitive.  But until people walk in OUR shoes, live OUR lives, as bereaved parents, they cannot imagine the hurt, pain and sadness that we live with daily.  Nowadays I am not so hard on people - I just think to myself, 'they will never know or understand, but that is not their fault.'

Hugs

MattsMum

[mikesmum]

The dates for us are timestamped in our souls.  The memories of our child from birth wash over us each day break our hearts with the realisation that we no longer have them to hold.

Until you walk the path of a parent lost without their child you will never truly understand and from my broken heart I hope you never will.

There is no rhyme or reason to the loss of our children.  I don't see the lack of 'recognition' as insenstivie as much as being so afraid that this might happen to anyone. 

The pictures here are of vibrant loved and loving souls who are missed every minute of every day.......

We truly are part of another world where losing a child is something all of us understands...

Trudi  

[fwood7]

HI

I am so sorry about your beautiful son Tyler. Reading so much on his memorial site was like me talking about my loss.  All you said sounded like you have been in my head.  My son Danny was 20 and died in a violent sudden motorcycle accident.  And all you said about the grief, the reliving of the accident in your head, the what if's all of it is so true.  I will never be the same again.  And most do not understand unless they have been thru it god forbid.  My heart and soul were made up of  my husband my daughter and my son, now it is forever cut away, and i walk every day with such pain in my heart and soul that will never heal.  It has been 2.5years he passed 8/22/06, and as time goes on it only gets harder.  I have people say to me are you better now.  I have had people avoid me like the plaque, as if what has happened is catchy.  And i have lost aquaitences in my life.  I have become the biggest actress on earth just to make it ok for others.  To me I am tired, just tired of acting, people need to know what we feel, how it is, and most of all if we need to talk about them they should all understand that its necessary.  When they were here we all talked, now they are gone, and it will not change, people have asked me that i meet do you have children and i say yes a daughter 27 and a son in heaven.  Its hard for people to hear but its harder for us, its is what we have been delt so we learn to do the best we can.  Since that day I have tried to hold on to my faith, it is always a test, because i constantly think why him, so young had so much more to do in this life, so much to contribute in this life, etc.  I have a counselor also that has told me the same, that there is nothing no one can do beyond bringing him back to me.  How sad is that, we are defeated before we start.  JUst a no win situation.  Our beautiful Angels in heaven, and so we wait till we can be together again. 

DansMum

[azsummer2003]

DansMum -

First of all - WOW! What a beautiful son you have!  He looks like a model.

I know how you feel.  I am trying so hard to write a "book" but I am lost and each time I start to write the words of my sorrow, I begin to cry and eventually I give up.

I don't want to write just about my son, but about how this sadness never really gets better.  Or, better said - never really goes away.  It's like you can be SO happy - laughing and loving life  yet in a nano-second you realize that your happiness is just not real.  You feel like a fake and a sudden darkness comes over you and you smile while thinking "Oh my g-d, how am I going to make it through?" Never once do you let on to the people around you that you are really feeling like sh*t. You smile through and pretend that everything is just grand.

Thank you for your kind words. Please know that you are not alone.  We will survive, we will live and go on, but not with the complete happiness we once knew.  It's as if the glass is half full and can't get any higher because of a tiny little chip in the glass that lets the rest of life slip out without ever having the chance to making it to the top.

If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom as to how to write my feelings down into a book, I'd be very grateful.  I do not even know where to begin....