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My beloved Matthew


crymsonravyn

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:? I lost my 18 year old son on November 14, 2008 in a car accident where he was the driver. I don't even know where to begin with what I am feeling. I am reaching out to parents who have been through this phase of grief. I am numb, I can't feel joy or happiness for any reason, When I cry it turns into a panic attack as the sadness is so intense. I am in the process of setting up counseling but I just don't know how to cope. I keep expecting his texts or his voice. I keep hoping it was a mistake, I know it wasn't I said goodbye to his body at his funeral. What am I supposed to do? How long do I hurt like this? My son and I are only 15 years apart. We were going to grow old together, now he is gone. PLEASE HELP ME !

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heartbeataway

crymsonraven,

I am so very sorry!

Take a deep breath ...... you're grieving.  You've just begun to find your way on this saddest of all lifes journeys.  And you've got a bumpy road ahead of you.

The first few weeks for me were total disbelief ....... it just didn't register that our son could really be gone.  I woke up one night and went to the landing outside the master bedroom and called his name. I shocked myself.  I don't know why I did that.

I went to sleep every night for months and the last thing I prayed was, "please don't let me wake up".  The pain was too great and the loss unbearable.

Now, we're 19 months into this journey.  I still find tears visit almost everyday but not in the same way. I know that he's gone and he's not coming back.  My only child, our only son died suddenly of undiagnosed heart disease.  His first manifestation was sudden death.

Take deep breaths and baby steps.... that's all you can do.  The pain will soften and you will be able to breath again.  It's going to take time ........ it's not going to happen overnight.

When someone asks what they can do, tell them.  It's hard to focus and to get the normal day to day chores done.  I tried to focus on one hour at a time.

Pour your heart out with your keyboard.  We will be hear listening and responding with our heart.

Bonnie

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Crymsonravyn

I know exactly how you feel.  The first month after Brian was killed I was praying, begging anyone to tell me this really did not happen - it is all a bad dream.  No one could tell me that.

I took a month off of work and spent the entire month waiting for Brian to walk through the door.

Your feelings are natural.  You have lost a huge part of yourself.  You have a new life now.  My new life is dragging me in kicking a screaming.  I do not want or like my new life, but here I am.

I find this website to be awesome.  The other people here know what you are experiencing.  I sometimes find my thoughts scary - Like Bonnie said, many times I would go to bed saying "Please don't let me wake up"  and I have 2 other children - how crazy is that. 

Crymsonravyn - I don't know if you have other children, but my son Aaron has been my strength.  He has matured well beyond his 15 years.  I think the family dynamics have changed - he is the parent for a while.

Please know we are here for you.  We are your sounding board.  We have all lost so much and just struggle to breath each day.  Please share you grief with us - we will listen.

Colleen  Brian's Mom forever.

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I feel as though i should be crying more but cannot bring myself to let go to do so. I get too scared to think. Thank you for your kind words. I will be writing more tomorrow. I have to try and sleep.. it is very hard to do anything.

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heartbeataway

You might want to join the Adult Child board......... not all parents check out other areas.

There are others new to this journey on the site also. That may prove beneficial to you in your healing and learning to live with your loss.

Just a suggestion.

I pray for strength as you face this holiday season.  I know it's not going to be easy for you.

Take good care........

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