Will I ever get a break

[arwens]

First let me say my keyboard is messed up & half the time my E & L doesn't work I try to catch it but well you know....

I loss my daughter 16 years ago.  I thought I would never hurt as I did then.  I divorced and finally found my soulmate.  Although Childsupport ect left him with less than 1/4th of his check & my ex currenty now over $42K behind we struggled but Jim provided for us.

I got hurt on the job over 3 years ago & have a hard time getting around thus more stress on Jim.  Well I guess when I went for my Social Security hearing arfter fighting for over 3 years the judge told us we would have his decisions in 3 to 5 months.  Two days later Jim had a heart attack at the young age of 44 and died just two weeks after that one day from getting the news I got my Social Security (two weeks decision not months like we were told).

So here I sit 35 mother of 5 (counting his wonderful kids 3 mine) as if losing my baby 16 years ago wasn't test enough after ten short years I lost my husband now.  My back is getting worse.  I keep falling.  I barley can barely walk ten feet to the bathrooms most days & now I am a mother of 3 (at home), can't work, lost my BEST friend ever, & the house is faling in around us literaly.  I know pity party, right?  I was always taught God never gives you more than you can handle but between the pain of my heart just ripped out that I can barley breath I hurt so bad missing Jim.  I havn't slept in 2 days because my back hurts SOO bad, the meds arn't helping, Jim isn't here to lean on emotionally & I feel like I am losing it all.  I know someone is worse off always is, but Please someone tell me how to cope.

I cry till I can't cry anymore then I just start crying again.  I lay in a deserted field the day my husband died & prayed for the lord to let me fall alseep & never wake again, but alsas I am still here.....................