Questions

[daniellesbrother]

Hi I was wondering if any of you would be willing to answer some questions regarding the passing of your child. My name is James Wrenn and I am writing a paper on the emotional effects of loosing an adult child on their parents. A little over a year ago my sister Danielle passed away in a car accident. That is why I have chosen to write this paper. I fell there is a story locked inside anyone who felt this kind of loss that need to be expressed if any of you are willing to answer my questions please reply. I only ask for he information you are comfortable with providing.

Thanks, James

[daniellemom]

James!

Love ya bunches!!

You may want to put the questions on here and people will reply to you with their answers.

[mamabets]

For daniellesbrother~ Hi James~ Feel free to post any questions, and I will be happy to help you. My 25 year son, Danny, passed away 4 1/2 years ago and I post with your Mom over on Loss of an Adult Child~

Danny just turned 30 on Friday~ xo

Bless your heart~ Anything to help!!

LOVE

mamabets 

[dansmama]

You can ask me any questions. My email is swiggum@gmail.com

[daniellesbrother]

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions:

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?
2. How did your family help you through this time?
3. What emotions did you feel when you herd the news?
4. Is this support system still intact?
5. How have people regarded you since your loss?
6. Do you accept this depiction of you?
7. How has your pain changed from day one to now?
8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why?
9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason?
10. Have you speculated on these reasons?
11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you?

and if you can think of any thing else you want to say feel free to say it, your name will be kept anonymous in my paper unless you would like it another way. Also if you think your unable to answer a question just skip it, you can eelaborateas much as you see fit.

[heartbeataway]

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss? It was Saturday morning, my mobile phone rang. It was my brother-in-law.  He ask to speak to my husband. I thought it was odd and my husband was shaking his head "no".  He was playing an online game and didn't want his concentration interrupted by a phone call. I held the phone to his ear anyway.  He immediately took the phone from me and sat the computer down.  He got up and walked out of the room.  I was puzzled and walked after him.  He started to the Master bedroom but changed direction and went into a guest room and closed the door.  I remember thinking something must have happened to my sister.  It ran through my mind also that Jason was camping. Our home phone rang.  It was Jason's fiancee.  I ask "what's wrong"?  She wanted to know how I knew something was wrong.  I explained briefly about the phone call Rich was on and again asked, "what's wrong?" She asked if I was sitting down. I again said, "tell me what's wrong!"  She asked again if I was sitting down. I was standing in the living room and I said "yes, I'm sitting down.... tell me what's wrong!"   She said, "Jason died this morning".  Just like that.  I thought I misunderstood.  I said, "excuse me?"  At that point, my husband entered the room, I knew by his tears and the look on his face that it was true.  I apparently threw the phone and started screaming the word NO over and over. He held me and we went to our knees in the living room .........  we don't remember how long we stayed there on the floor.  He said he would never forget my screams.
   
2. How did your family help you through this time?  My oldest sister and her family opened their arms and held us up from the time we stepped off the plane in the wee hours of morning until well after we returned home.  They were there to think for us when we couldn't think and to organize and plan when we were totally disabled by our grief.  My husband has a daughter.  She and her husband had not talked to us in the four months preceding Jason's death.  They were there.  That's all I can say.  We were later accused of not being there for her.
   
3. What emotions did you feel when you heard the news?  I can't explain.  I'm not sure I remember.  It was just utter devastation and disbelief.  NO! NO! NO!
   
4. Is this support system still intact?  Not in the same way.
   
5. How have people regarded you since your loss?  Depends on the people. Some act like nothing happened.  Others understand.  And some stay away. 
   
6. Do you accept this depiction of you?  I'm not comfortable if I feel like I'm being looked at as "the woman whose child died". 
   
7. How has your pain changed from day one to now? I lost my will to live and wanted to die and go to where he is. The pain has softened.  It has not gone away and it can surface expectantly and take my breath away.
   
8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? I am changed in every way. If so why?  I lost my identity when Jason died. Nothing is the same. It's hard to be motivated.  I don't care about things the same way I used too. There is no normal ... we are still trying to find what normal is now.
   
9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason? I had a plaque that said just that. I gave it away. I can't comprehend a reason for taking my child.
   
10. Have you speculated on these reasons?  I've had others tell me what they think. I have not come up with an answer to why.  I will never know or understand.
    
11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you? I'm not easily annoyed.  I have been uncomfortable when others talk about their children. I feel like when I mention Jason, it's akward.  No one knows how to respond when you talk about the child you lost.

James,

You might want to consider the loss of an only child.  Jason was my only child. So, I will not have grandchildren, no one will call me Mom again, our family name died with him. We have no one to leave family collectibles too. He will not be around to take care of us as we age. We lost so much more than his presence in our life.

Jason died of a rare heart disease (ARVD/C)  He never had symptoms. His first manifestation was sudden death. 

The last words he said to me were, I Love you.  There was nothing unsaid or unfelt or unfinished in our relationship.  I'm grateful for that.

I miss his voice and his laughter most. I long to hear his voice again.

You might also consider what we found comfort in aside from family and friends. Music and books were a constant with me the first months after Jason died.  I also dived head first into finding everything I could about the disease that took his life and since it was genetic, making sure that family knew what to do to get checked. I started blogging.

I see a counselor once a week.

So many changes .........

Good luck with your paper.  I hope you'll share it with us.

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[lolynbo]

YES NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT YOUR DEAD CHILD.......BUT WE DO...THEY LIVED AND ARE STILL ALIVE IN OUR MEMORIES,AND IN OUR PICTURES, VIDEOS, VOICES TAPED....SO WE TALK ABOUT THEM AND IF PPL DONT LIKE IT...THEN THEY ARE THE WRONG PPL TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING WITH......SO YOU TALK ABOUT JASON...WE KNOW HE IS SPECIAL, AND HE LOVED YOU AND STILL LOVES YOU...AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE HIS MOMMY....JUST LIKE THE REST OF US....THEY ARE REAL THEY EXISTED....AND THEY LIVE ON, IN OUR HEARTS.....

I LOVE YOU K O U R T N E Y  L Y N N  B R A C K E T T -  C A R G A L

YOU ARE MY WORLD....MY ANGEL BABY!

[heartbeataway]

I'm sorry Lorri,

I chose harsh words so I changed it. I hope I wasn't offensive.

You're right, they will live on in our memories and in our hearts.

Bonnie

[lolynbo]

OH NO YOU DID GREAT.....JUST SOME PPL WANNA KINDA SWEEP THEM UNDER THE RUG...WE STILL WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM...

YOUR FINE JASONS MOM

[ericasmom]

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions:

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss? I was sure that Erica would die as we began to drive to Kalamazoo Michigan, from Chicago,  2 hours away. I had 4 dreams of her being hurt somehow, about 2 months before the accident, I could never see what it was...3 dreams of that and a fourth of me giving her eulogy. She was living with my Son, Jon, and the two of them were kind of going to community college. She loved it there adn I had just had a conversation with her 30 minutes before the accident. An Amtrak hit her car at a broken (documented) light. She lived for 6 days though never regained conciousness. I knew she would die but did not know it was a train on car until I arrived in Michigan. I was told on the phone that I needed to come to Kalamazoo as my daughter was in an accident. I threw the phone to my husband and ran upstairs to grab a bag and a few things. I was terrified and yet I was very strong, the amazing strength that comes with shock.
   
2. How did your family help you through this time? Amazingly. I called my Sister Mary Anne and told her Eri was in an accident, knowing I am not an alarmist, she called her kids, and my other sister who at the time was living in Georgia. By 3:00 in the morning, almost all of my nieces and nephews were at the Trauma Center along with MaryAnne. My sister Eileen was already on her way, flying from Georgia. Somehow, we all knew. And since then too, they have been a very beautiful and understanding group, at times we are all together and we feel the empty chair, but we know Eri is sitting among us.
   
3. What emotions did you feel when you herd the news? Shock, raw pain, fear, a lot of fear, helplessness, and complete sadness.
   
4. Is this support system still intact? Yes, my support system is still in tact, I am fortunate indeed.
   
5. How have people regarded you since your loss? Some people just don't know how to handle my talking so openly about my daughter and I consider that their problem. I will always talk about Eri, I do not care to hang out with those that don't know how to cope with that. I will after all, always have a daughter.
   
6. Do you accept this depiction of you? I accept that death is a tough subject for others to face, but I don't accept being quiet about it. I think that we don't speak enough about death, about the ways people react to death, about mourning, grief and the unmistakable pain that people like us have to integrate into our lives and still make life good.
   
7. How has your pain changed from day one to now? Now I am able to laugh and look forward to events where as in the early stages, it hurt to think beyond the moment I was in and the moment I was in seemed very long. I did not know how to find energy, it was gone, I didn't know if I would ever be able to do anything I had ever done in the past. I was terrified by my Son's sadness, and felt I was losing two children at the time. I learned to find my energy by allowing my grief. I found it hard to lean my head on anyone and have them comfort me, I needed to comfort me. I took many walks, always have, but even more that summer, and spoke to Erica, finding a large measure of peace in knowing that I could still talk to her.
   
8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why? The loss of Erica Eileen Reith has changed me forever and immeasurably, as her birth has changed me forever.  A new child makes a parent different from who he or she was as an adult, before that child arrived. The child changes the whole home, the whole heart, and everything revolves around this new entity. The death of a child does much the same only on the opposite end of the spectrum. IT changes the whole home, heart, spirit, and everything, for a very long time, revolves around the death. Eventually, as one is able, life starts to take on some new shape, and some new energy is found, but that little girl, who looked so much  like Peppermint Patty, is gone, and I will never get to hold her in my arms, but I hold her deeply in my soul. I will always wonder if she would have cut her dreads by now, would she have found a way to do college? Would Erica travel, would she have children? All the things I can never know or take joy in, all the things I can never help her with...and of course the ache in my Son's eyes when he misses her, when he thinks of what he can never do or have because she is gone from here. That sadness is palpable, and it hurts to know that he will always feel sad.
   
9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason? I struggle with that, I  did believe that for a very long time and I do believe that I am here on Earth for a reason, I do believe that Erica was here for a reason, finding her death on this spectrum is more difficult, but basically I do. Sometimes I think that perhaps there are a number of days...no matter though, Erica touched a great many lives while here, and continues to. Her life is important.
   
10. Have you speculated on these reasons? Well yes, though I have no set answers, only ideas that wash up on me at times as I mull them over and wander around with them.
    
11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you? Some people just irritate me, because they waste their lives with sad decisions,and that to me is a terrible waste. I have less patience than I used to have with those who take things for granted or who are careless with peoples' hearts. I also get frustrated more now when I feel that my time has been wasted, time can't be given back. I don't like the way some people assume that a person is 'done' grieving, and it is hard to be around them.
    
12. and if you can think of any thing else you want to say feel free to say it, your name will be kept anonymous in my paper unless you would like it another way. Also if you think your unable to answer a question just skip it, you can elaborate as much as you like.

I am deeply impressed with your questions James, and I wish you well as you pusue this difficult topic. I hope it goes a long way to your own healing and I thank you for giving voice to ours.

[cameronsmom1]

I just wanted to write that I am really impressed with the courage of those who have answered these questions. Just reading some of the answers has taken my breath away and brought so many tears to my eyes. I know we love to talk about our children but to bring up the day we found out they were gone is very painful but I just wanted to tell you all that I am glad to see you strong enough to share these answers. My heart goes out to you.

Amanda

[bbarbie55]

[user=23866]daniellesbrother[/user] wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions:

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?Total breakdown even though I knew it would happen(life support being shut off)
   
2. How did your family help you through this time? It was hard fr them they were dealing with their own grief but step mom was there for me
   
3. What emotions did you feel when you herd the news? I lost it that she was gone
   
4. Is this support system still intact? Not really shes not talked about
   
5. How have people regarded you since your loss? that I'm someone to pity
   
6. Do you accept this depiction of you? I don't like it
   
7. How has your pain changed from day one to now? Yes not as carefree
   
8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why? feel I lost a part of me when she died
   
9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason? Yes
   
10. Have you speculated on these reasons? Not really
    
11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you? Yes
    
12. My life has changed because I lost her to cancer and pneumonia and I now worry about her sister getting the same cancer. I'm more fearful for my remaining child and others with cancer.

and if you can think of any thing else you want to say feel free to say it, your name will be kept anonymous in my paper unless you would like it another way. Also if you think your unable to answer a question just skip it, you can eelaborateas much as you see fit.

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi James! Here is my input. Thanks for your private note to me. I appreciate your heart and what you said. God Bless You, Son!

• What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?

My brother phoned me. When he told me that Joey was dead, I shouted out, “No!” and handed the phone to my husband—disbelief!

• How did your family help you through this time?

My family was hurting as much as I was. I had a most rock-solid faith, and I found that I was the one consoling my family through all of it.

• What emotions did you feel when you heard the news?

Shock, disbelief, regret, indescribable sorrow, an emotional hurt so deep it caused physical pain in my chest…

• Is this support system still intact?

The greatest support system I had and have is through the Internet grief site, Beyond Indigo. This support system is still very much intact.

• How have people regarded you since your loss?

Changed—not as I was before… Those who were in contact often and called me friend, I rarely hear from anymore. Honestly, I don’t know what they think, as I’ve become pretty far removed geographically and emotionally from everyone I knew. (I live in a different country, so usually when one moves away, people tend to drop off with communication anyway. So it’s really hard to gage what is from my loss and what is natural progression from moving.

• Do you accept this depiction of you?

I do accept that I am changed, and I believe that too is for a purpose.

• How has your pain changed from day one to now?

I do not have the physical pain that I had, and the shortness of breath, etc. I do still have the deep sorrow—but it has shifted more from the actual death to now how very much I miss my son’s presence in my life.

• Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why?

My son and I were close. We enjoyed a lot of the same types of things in life, like sports and business. He also made a lot of “noise” in my life. The world seems so quiet now without him here, especially my daily life. I miss his noise. I find now that I need to work out purpose for his not being here anymore, so that it doesn’t seem like he has gone in vain. I am a full-time missionary, and I want to spend the rest of my life impacting the world in a way that says my life was not a waste and neither was his. There are so many people in the world who are poor and lonely, and who need help of some kind. This event, or the result of it has grown a deep passion in me that I only slightly touched before--to reach out to others who suffer from broken hearts and tragic life stories, and to walk alongside them in their pain and healing.

• Do you believe that all things are for a reason?

I do believe that nothing happens that is not sifted through God’s hands first. I guess that would mean that things are allowed to happen for a reason.

• Have you speculated on these reasons?

I have. First, I believe all things happen as to make purpose to bring God glory. I believe we are all from Him, created by Him and for Him, for His glory. In His presence is where our true home is. I believe the length of our lives is predestined. I believe life in this form is a short time compared to eternity, and that there is eternal life. I believe that I was chosen with purpose to be Joey’s mom, and though I had responsibility to care for Joey, he still belonged to God first—and he did commit himself to the Lord at age 21. I have wished that I didn’t have to let him go, but it’s part of the package of being chosen as his mom. It was never meant to be permanent—just a training ground for us both. One of us was bound to die before the other. I just didn’t expect it in this order. I was blessed to have him, if even for only 24 years. Now I will cherish those 24 years until I meet him again---and I WILL meet and live with Him for all eternity in God’s presence. Of that I am very certain!

• Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you?

Not annoyed… just lonely, isolate, misunderstood, kind of like a gypsy in the world who is waiting for her time to go home. I can’t concern myself with how others act toward me, because most of those others have no clue. It’s not their fault. Just like Jesus said, I say, “Father forgive them! They know not what they do.”

[summergirl]

Hi James - Here are my answers to the best that I can do.

1. What was the inital reaction to the news of your loss?   We were asleep and I heard someone knocking on the door, I though it was Jessica and she had forgotten her key but it was the police, friends of ours. The first thing I said was "where is Jessica?" and they asked for my husband. When they told us Jessica was not coming home I asked them to leave and told my husband that we needed to go get Jessica from the hospital and bring her home. My husband called his sister and brother-in-law and our best friends Linda and Jerry to come to the house. When they arrived I remember telling them it was true, Jessica was gone but my mind was screaming NO. I did not comprehend it until we arrived at the hospital and I went to her, I kept telling her to open her eyes as I was there to bring her home. The next thing I remember is being back home and all of these people were at the house amd I remember screaming, pain so heart wrenching there are no words to describe it.

2. How did your family help you through this time?   My sisters, nephew and mother came from Iowa right away. My family here came but the people who helped me the most was my sister Sue, my sister-in-law Brenda and my best friend Linda.

3. What emotions did you feel when you heard the news?  Shock, denial, a physical ache in my chest where my heart was, scared. I really cannot describe in words the way my emotions were at that time - I just know my heart broke in a million pieces.

4. Is this support system still intact?   Yes and no, people have a tendency to move on and expect you to move along with them. My support system is Beyond Indigo - they never fail me.

5. How have people regarded you since your loss?  That I have changed, not the same happy, smiling, loving life person I was. Some look at me as though they do not know me or if they get to close to me it might happen to them also.  I talk about Jessica and it scares most of them as though I might have a nervous break down if we "discuss" losing my beautiful daughter, I ignore them and I talk often of Jessica Lee Bennett, my 26 year old daughter who died February 18, 2008 and left behind a 4 year old son. I have lost some friends and gained true ones.

6. Do you accept this depiction of you?  Yes, in some ways, I have certainly changed. I will never be the person I was before I lost my daughter, there will always be a part of me that is sad. I do smile and I am a loving life person, just in a different way then I was.

7. How has your pain changed from day one to now?  The pain is not so raw anymore, I have accepted that my Jessica is gone from this world but not my life. I do not have the never ending heartache that once was. It has become softer, not easier, not better, just softer. 

8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway?  My whole life has changed from what it once was, you cannot lose a child and not be changed. I look at everything differently now, I am much more patient, kind and take nothing for granted.  I actually SEE things now like I never did before.   If so why?  Losing Jessica is the worst thing that has ever happend to me, she had a life, she lived and I want everyone to know that and so I try hard to live for her as well as myself and her son.

9. Do you believe that all things happen for a reason?  Absolutely!!

10. Do you speculate on these reasons?  Not anymore, I used to continually ask WHY over and over again but I realize that I will never know the answer to the WHY'S until I meet Jessica again.

11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by people's actions towards you?  Yes, I get tired of inconsiderate people. Those who ask a most stupid question or make a comment that cuts you to the bone. Like saying "Jessica is in a better place" and I want to scream at them that she was in a great place right here with us!!  I do not like it when they say "you must move on, you need to live, you shouldn't think about it so much"  - I think to myself "until you walk in my shoes" so I try hard to forgive their ignorance on what they cannot understand.

James I hope I have helped with your project and I also hope all you have answered your questions have helped you in some way with the loss of your sister. God Bless you and take care. Kathy Bennett

 

[mikesmum]

James, Have given it my best. 

What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?

James, I was working as an EMD when the call came in that my son was in Cardiac Arrest.  My initial reaction was to ensure Mike was getting CPR and that the appropriate Emergency Response was sent.  In fact I didn’t ‘react’ as his Mother until sometime later. In between time it was a numb, functioning in an automated sense.

How did your family help you through this time?

When my husband (Intensive Care Paramedic) told me CPR had ceased and Mike had passed I called my younger brother. He had lost a son (15yrs) 4 years earlier.  He met me at the house where Mike was.  We went to Mike and with their support I stayed with my son, my last visit. Together we went to speak with my other two children, both grown with children of their own.  All have given me space when needed, understanding and compassion when I have no idea and unconditional love throughout.  Grandbabies and their hugs played a big part in getting me through!

What emotions did you feel when you heard the news?

At the time I was still at work when I was told Mike had died.  I remained in my professional role throughout that day.  The thought that I would never see, speak too, hold or be near him again overwhelmed me in that night and the following days.  The raw agony/pain debilitated, the tears refused to stop and the disbelief consumed me. I felt I would never be able to breathe again. There was also a panic, an urgent need to be with Mike’s siblings.

Is this support system still intact?

The support is still there, but its intensity alters as the days go by.  Three months after Mike left, I was searching the Internet and found BI.  That support network remains intact and I believe it can be credited with returning me in many ways to my ‘new’ life. 

How have people regarded you since your loss?

It’s mixed.  In my life before I lost Mike I would have been described as ‘gregarious, happy & focussed’.  That has altered and I am now more reclusive and less social. I have always worked in the Health Industry, now I find I am unable to return to that.

Others who knew Mike throughout his life remain a support.  Though their lives have moved on, they continue to touching base with us providing us with pictures and stories found along the way. They remember a younger, mum and still see her in my sadness.

For my remaining children, they lost the mother they knew the day Mike died. That relationship has changed forever.  They see me as the one that needs care, and they see themselves are the carers.  They thought I was indestructible. 

Do you accept this depiction of you?

It’s not so much that I accept it, it just is.  My thoughts, abilities and physical being have altered completely.   At times I feel uninspired and incapable.  The death of my child has forever altered my world, my core beliefs and my life.

How has your pain changed from day one to now?

It has now found its place and is not as erratic as it was in the beginning.  Its intensity is still there.   It continues to underpin my existence.

 Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why?

Mikes death has altered my life’s perceptions & my confidence in many ways.  Being a mum an EMD and a nurse, my perception was that I could protect my children from anything.  It was and still is my belief that the parents go first.  Physically it has altered my appearance but moreover it has taken my life’s energy.

It has also made me aware that every minute with my children & grandbabies is a gift.  I am acutely aware now that time is precious.

Do you believe that all things are for a reason?

I have always struggled with the death of children or atrocities that occur at the hands of others.   Emotionally, if there was a reason for Mike’s death, it escapes me. If there was a ‘life’s lesson’ to be learnt, I have no idea what it was.  

Have you speculated on these reasons?

Yes.  The idea: “Mike is in a better place given his struggle with depilating health issues”.  The simple: It was his time. The: “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and “God only gives us what he knows we can handle”, none have given me a sense of peace.

 

Have you found yourself being annoyed by people’s actions towards you?

I wouldn’t say I was annoyed, rather dumfounded by the actions/words of those living in the comfort of never having lost a child.  I guess it comes from a ‘rather you than me’ mentality that I myself might have even been guilty of before I lost Mike.

and if you can think of anything else you want to say feel free to say it, your name will be kept anonymous in my paper unless you would like it another way. Also if you think your unable to answer a question just skip it, you can elaborate much as you see fit.

James - Throughout these past 22 months I have lost a son, with that I have lost much of what I thought defined me.  The pain, the grief and the feeling of loss is never ending.  It may on some level find its place allowing you to function, but it can and does at anytime take you back to that moment in time when you were told or you knew that your child had taken their last breath....That never changes, the relationship never ends – the love continues.  But with all that said, I continue to look for life in many ways. Being on BI, seeing a psychologist  for PTSD, walking my pup and continuing with the Grandbaby hug therapy has helped. 

I wish you well with this assignment James. 

 

[lostwoher]

James,

I tried so hard but I just couldnt get thru the questions. My pain is still too fresh for me to comprehend much of that dreadful day. It has only been 85 days since the tragedy of my daughters death. Rest assured, I appreciate what you are doing. I hope it helps others as well as yourself to heal by talking about the death of your loved ones. Best of luck.

 I will try at a later time to follow thru.

PEACE & LOVE,

Lynn

[johnnysmama]

[user=23866]daniellesbrother[/user] wrote:

Thank you for taking the time to answer these questions:

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss? We had 2 army sergeants come to our door when I was still sleeping. I remember my husband yelling my name, waking up out of a sound sleep confused and then standing at the top of the stairs looking down at the sergeants. They said "Mrs. Zink will you please come down? and I said, "no". I kept saying no all the way down the stairs-I knew he was gone but if I didn't allow them to tell me then it couldn't be true. After they told us I just started asking them questions about his accident. I could not shed a tear as I was sure they were wrong. My husband sobbed and walked around the house gathering all the pictures of Johnny he could find and spreading them all over the kitchen counter. I remember following him and still not crying. I remember thinking "why can't I cry????" Later that morning I never stopped.
   
2. How did your family help you through this time? My husband's family came to our house that day. Mine didn't come for a week.  My Mom and Dad never really spoke to me. They have not talked to me once in 20 months. I feel I lost them, too. My sister and my mother in law were my lifelines but after a month they went back to their lives. They could, we couldn't-sometimes I still can't. I don't hear from anyone much anymore. My daughters, husband and I grieve so differently so at times it is hard to support each other but we all know we love each other. I am still working my way back to being their Mom again. I have changed. I am more distant from them. Sometimes I think I am holding back on some of my love in case I lose them, too. I also think I am holding back a lot of my emotion now because if I release it I also release the grief. Easier to keep it hidden tucked inside.
   
3. What emotions did you feel when you herd the news? I refused to believe. How could I still be living and my child not be. Couldn't be true. Shock.
   
4. Is this support system still intact? No. I have Beyond Indigo and another forum that are my life lines. When you lose your child you need to tell your child's story over and over to someone that gets it. My Beyond Indigo family listens every time. It is hard for my husband to support me as we are both trying to live through this grief but we try.  We are slowly working our way back to the living. My son's friends also listen and talk openly about Johnny. Watching them continue to grow up and get older is bittersweet. I have found that younger people are more open to listening and discussing issues/pain related to losing someone. We have grown very fond of this young group and regard them as a gift from my son.
   
5. How have people regarded you since your loss? They do not want me to talk about my son. They don't want me to be sad. They want the old me but that person died with my son. I am not sure how to not do those things. They think I am getting "over it" as I am not crying all the time. I have lost a lot of friends and family over this. I have no one close to me that really wants to discuss where I am and how I feel. This is the loneliest I have ever felt. I tend to isolate myself to run away from trying to pretend I am feeling ok. It is just easier. Being home is my safe zone where I can cry or be sad all I want or need to. I go to work daily but am still not into social events.
   
6. Do you accept this depiction of you? No, they have NO idea what it feels like but actually I forgive them now as I don't want them to feel this pain and I am not sure I would not have been the same. Only those that travel this journey can know and understand.
   
7. How has your pain changed from day one to now? It was life stopping, searing and raw. Now, it is here all the time with the saddness but the pain is coexisting with the love I have for my son and others and the rawness has eased. I feel like I am learning to live again everyday as the new me, one breath at a time. With each new day I try to have hope.
   
8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? Yes. Forever. I used to be happy go lucky. Now, I am forever changed. I am still trying to figure out who I am now. Right now I go through the motions of being a Mom, teacher and wife. All the while missing my son every minute and fighting the grief. I feel very lonely but I am trying my best.
   
9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason? Used to but not now.
   
10. Have you speculated on these reasons?
    
11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you? No, just hurt, disappointed and confused but again they don't understand. I am not sure I understand either.

You didnt ask this Q. but what is helping me survive? God,  my pugs, my daughters, 22- 5 year olds I teach, reading a lot, this wonderful group of people here and knowing my son is still with me-I feel his love everyday.

Thanks for asking and reading, James and for being our voice. You have a wonderful Mom and I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful sister, Danielle.

[daniellesbrother]

Thank you to all who took time to answer my questions. I understand how difficult it can be some times to relive that moment so I truly appreciate it. Thank you also for your kind words you wrote to me directly.

Thanks James

[davidsmom]

  1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?

 Sheer panic, fell to the floor screaming. I can relive and feel that moment whenever I think about it. Horrible

   2. How did your family help you through this time?

 They didn't, unfrtunately. I only have my 2 surviving sons, and my mother suffered a stroke shortly after David died. I believe its because she was willing herself to die. She stopped caring anymore. I had to keep it together, and somehow be "strong" for my sons.

   3. What emotions did you feel when you herd the news?

Panic, horror, disbelief, anger, profound grief. You have so many. I screamed and paced, and threw myself to the floor. After about 5-10 minutes of this, I tried to pull myself together to go home and face my other 2 sons. At that moment, I realized, and said, "Oh My God, I have to live the rest of my life witout my David".

   4. Is this support system still intact?

 NA

   5. How have people regarded you since your loss?

 Varied. Many shied away pretty quickly. I was a public figure, working in media, so it was all over the news and radio at first. But soon, people shied away, and few ask how things are...I hate that. David is all I think about, and I want to tell the world what a great boy he was. I miss him so.

   6. Do you accept this depiction of you?

 What can you do? I continue to be me and talk about David whenever I can.

   7. How has your pain changed from day one to now?

 The pain has not changed one bit. Its as fresh today, although I have had to learn to live with that pain. I would do anything to change it...

   8. Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why?

Each of us lost a huge chunk of who we are, and this new "normal" is much of a life, yet.

   9. Do you believe that all things are for a reason?

 Philosophically I can rationalize it. Emotionally, I cannot. There is no reason for a child to suffer an agonizing death, for his brothers to have to live with it, for me to have to bury my son. NO, I cannot rationalize losing my child.

  10. Have you speculated on these reasons?

 Over and again....

  11. Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you?

Often, yes. People say stupid and insensitive things sometimes. I surround myself with my family, who understand, and a few close friends who have also felt this pain the way we have.

Lisa

David;s Mama

http://david-robyn-loring.memory-of.com

[lovekristy4ever]

Hi James,

I hope this helps. 

1. What was your initial reaction to the news of your loss?

Kristy was in the hospital for 8 days before she died.  For eight days, I sat and watched a monitor show the pressure in her brain increase until I knew there was no possibility of her being able to live through it.  By the time they told me, I spent so much time crying and grieving I was just numb.

2.  How did your family help you through this time?

My family was "there".  I knew they were but there were no word or actions that could truly help me.  The biggest help was that my parents arranged for food and had everyone at their home after the funeral.  What emotions did you feel when you herd the news?

3. What emotions did you feel when you heard the news?

It was the worst pain, sadness and hurt that I have ever experienced in my life.

4.  Is this support system still intact?

Yes, I know they are still there for me.  I think I tend to withdraw but I just need to be alone sometimes and just wallow in my sorrow.  It has to be difficult to watch someone you love grieve and I hate that but sometimes I have nothing to give or offer.

5.  How have people regarded you since your loss?

That is one of those "it depends" questions.  I think there are people that truly are uncomfortable and avoid me only because they don't know what to say or how to treat me.  The people very close to me treat me the same but they check on me more than they used to.

6.  Do you accept this depiction of you?

I hate it.  I hate that I am in this situation that people feel uncomfortable, or they feel sorry for me.  I feel sorry for me!  I don't want anyone else to - they didn't do anything to make my life the way it is now.  At the same time, I am guilty of avoiding people also so I don't blame anyone for their actions - I just wish Kristy were here and none life was like it used to be.

7.  How has your pain changed from day one to now?

I guess the best description, if it is possible to describe it is that it softens.  In the beginning it is so raw that you don't think you can possibly survive it.  I still cry most days while driving home from work but I get through the day by trying to keep busy.  I couldn't possibly even go to work in the beginning.  I just sat and cried all day.  Now I can function.

8.  Do you think this event has changed you in anyway? If so why?

Absolutely.  I am much more introverted now.  I really lived life before Kristy died but she was a main reason I did so.  She was so full of life!  Before Kristy died, I laughed more, did more spontaneous things, and was more carefree.  I am a different person now but I try very, very hard to keep things normal if only for my son.  I love him so much and will do anything to make sure he is happy.

9.  Do you believe that all things are for a reason?

That is a hard one to answer.  I do believe Kristy was put in my life for a reason.  She made me a better person.  I know she touched a lot of lives for the good.  I don't know what a possible reason could be for her death. 

10.  Have you speculated on these reasons?

No, not really.  When I pray, I thank God for giving her to me for 14 1/2 years.  She was truly a blessing and I know she was here to give me joy.  I can't speculate on reasons for her death because it would drive me crazy and also just make me cry.  I just take solace in think that she is truly happy with the Lord and I will see her again.  It is what keeps me going.

11.  Have you found yourself being annoyed by peoples actions towards you?

Lol.  Yes, there are some days but I have met really wonderful people like your mom and Donna that I get to rant about it and it helps.

Good luck on your paper.  Hopefully, one day I can meet you.  I have heard a lot of great things about your from you mom.  She is very, very proud of you.

Terry

[mpsmom]

I am new to this site and after reading your reply I realize that everything we are going through after losing our 17 year old daughter is normal, the ups and downs the anger, I could have written your responses to james' questionaaire,

thank you for making me realize we will find a way to function in some manner at some time in our life.

marcia