Birthdays

[sammyl]

On the 3rd of oct. was my little Isaiah's birthday. He would have been 5 and starting kindergaeden. I remember his frist birthday what should have been my time to bake a cake, blow up balloons and celebrate was spent holding my other children at his gravesite. How do you live through something like this? When does the pain go away. I use to know how to live now I just make it through. I can not make out the women in the mirror, I have gotten old and my eyes do not seem to have that sparke anymore. I go to the motion of things and skip the experiance. I know that God loves me, but yet I feel so far away from home. I am a stranger in the body of a women whos baby died. I want to be able to feel something other than pain. I am just a little lost in the journey. My arms still yearn to hold him. I get angry because at times I can not remember what his face looks like. I wish I had known that I was only going to a , a small amount of time. I would have remembered all that I could. There was no real time, no real time at all.