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Getting Close to that Year Mark of Losing my Father


starynitesm

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Well, in month it will be one year since I lost my father. It was a sudden loss for me but in reality he was sick for a long time and no one was able to admit it. I have been doing okay for the last few months but as I hit this milestone the pain and the trauma of it is coming back.

My father never went to the doctor, never got tested for a blood disorder that ran in the family, and never took very good care of himself. BUT despite all these things he was a very giving and a loving man who focused all his attention on the ones he cared most about. This is why it bothers me so much that I can't stop getting the terrible images of the day he died out of my head. I have been to my counselor. I have practice the techniques taught to me to deal with my PTSD from the hospital room but I can't seem to stop struggling with this. I guess I just need to keep being present with my feelings and allow myself to take as much time as I need to get through the grieving process.

A year mark is rough. It feels like yesterday but at the same tme it feels like a lifetime ago. I am currently facing changes in my life that are making this anniversary hard. I am moving back to where I grew up and where my father lived; and my husband and I are trying to have our first child. All this is good stuff for me but it is very sad because I wanted so much to share all these things with him. I honestly can say I know I will never get over the loss of him. He was so many things to me and he played a huge role in my life that will never be filled again. I was able to say my goodbye to him but he was not able to say his and that is hard. I know he has passed over and I know he is happy-- but here on earth this process is so difficult for the living. I could go on and on about all the feelings swirling in my head. With time, I believe I will let all these feelings about him slowly seep out till I remember all those special times I have shared with him and hope that the scary moments he had in the end, that plague me at times, will fade away.

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