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regrets


iwantmymomback

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iwantmymomback

I lost my mom over 3 months ago suddenly.  She had been sick for years, but we weren't expecting her death so quick.  I hadn't seen her in almost a week and was planning on going to see her on the day she died.  She died in her sleep, I don't really know what exactly happened.  I had spent so many years being such a spoiled  brat to her.  She was so sick and lonely and would call me lots of times and I wouldn't take time to talk to her.  I'd tell her I was busy and couldn't talk.  She actually called me the day before she died and left me a message to call her back if I got time, but of course I didn't.  The last time I talked to her was 2 days before she died and I was so hateful with her because I was upset with someone else and as usual I took it out on my mom.  She was even gonna have my dad to drive her by my house that day and didn't because if my attitude I know.  If it weren't for me and my hateful words, I would have gotten to see my mom one last time before she died.  I will never forgive myself for the way I treated her at times.  I think back now and she just wanted someone to talk to and a friend.  I hate myself so much for not being there for her.  I would give anything to have her back just 5 minutes to apologize and let her know how much I love her and miss her.  The only thing I have to be thankful for is how she always made me and my sister hug her before we left from her house and I always told her I loved her, except of course for that last time I spoke with her.  I just want to see her, touch her, hug her, hear her voice.  But I never will again, not in this lifetime.  That's so hard to comprehend and to this day I don't really think the reality has hit me.  I still feel so numb inside, I have my daughter that forces me to go on and I am thankful for that.  She is my main focus and without her I don't know where I'd be. 

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It's hard when on top of death we have to deal with our own regrets.  We all wish to have them one more time even if just for 5 minutes...that's not possible any longer, talk to your mom, tell her how much you miss her and how sorry you are, tell it to her in spoken words, I am sure she will always be by your side and will be able to listen to you....

I hope you can find peace and you will be able to overcome this huge ball of emotions that tend to overflow you when someone you really love pass away.

 

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