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Another confirmation of my sweet Sarah being with the LOr


mom2sarah

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Hi  I am now in the seventh week of not hearing or seeing our precious Sarah and I do not feel her anymore.  Is this how it will be as time passes or will I at certain times feel her again.  I know I will need to throughout the rest of my lifetime need a special Sarah touch.   Will I have to wait until my journey here on earth is done before I see her again or do we all experience times of distance?  I know with the deaths of other loved ones I felt their spirits  for awhile after their deaths but then it changed and life here separated us.  It will be lonely without her.  How do we get thru the rest of our lives just living on our memories of our sons and daughters?

 My husband and I have slept in her bed every night since she passed on and today I bought new bed clothes for her bed. We will soon need to get new carpet and paint her walls because Sarah was very messy and ruined them.  Will making changes wash away what I have left of her?  I know I will have to depend more on pictures and precious momento's from her but I want to feel her spirit still.  Do I have to let her go now. 

  Last nite because of the backlash of Hurricane Ike we had 60mph winds come thru our hometown that uprooted the canopy over our back deck. The wind just pulled it up right off the railing of the deck and steel frame and all went with it. It pulled it up and over the back and front of our house and landed across the street in our neighbors front yard .Now my quiet place where I found my comfort under my canopy is gone and I have no shelter from this storm in my life.  I realize insurance will replace it but it will not be put back up probably till next summer.  That is where I was able to feel my daughters spirit and it just feels like first she was ripped out of my life and I had her spirit but now I have had her spirit ripped away by the wind storm.   I cannot handle anymore storms right now in my life. What next?

Life is so strange?   I know what all of you have been thru and yet you have survived I only hope I will too.  I am amazed at how you all have made it and know how you suffered as I and it does inspire me to know I can survive too but I have to ask myself am I being singled out to be destroyed?  On our street we were the only ones who lost anything during the wind storm. Neighbors wondering why we are being hit in life on all sides? I know something is happening in our life but I must find the silver lining here and its hard to find.  I know our Sarah is alive and well on the othersideof this material world but I need to feel her spirit.  Is i just me losing our connection or her connecting to her new life in heaven?

Missing sarah

Her mom, Laura

 

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Laura, I'm very sorry to hear of all that is happening in your life. I'm not sure why but it does seem like everything happens at once and you start to think to yourself, what else could go wrong? I know you probably get tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason. You just have to think to yourself, "I'm being tested, I can get through this" your daughter may not be with you physically but know that she is there and she will help you through this. It's scary to think of having to let go of your daughter especially when you're not ready but the truth is you never really let go because she is with you.

I myself have lost a son but he was stillborn and so I have no memories to look back on but i'm not sure if that makes it easier or harder. Don't be worried that changing the room is going to take away the memory of your daughter, in fact I think it will be good for you. I know that coming home from the hospital and seeing the nursery set up was so hard for me. If my son would have ever used the stuff in the room I think it would have been worse. It's been 5 months since his stillbirth but it took me 3 months before I could even move stuff from the room. I think it took me that long to realize that he was gone.

Even though my son is not here I feel he is working through my 4 year old to help me make it through because he knows this is the hardest thing i've ever dealt with. Every time i'm down my 4 year old always has the perfect thing to say. He is my strength. Let your daughter find her way to help you, just believe in yourself and be strong. Don't be scared when you can't feel her with you because she is a part of you and a part of everything you do. For the rest of your life you will notice things, see things, and feel things, and say to yourself, I know this had to be her. You will find a way to keep her memory with you, everyone has their own ways.

Here is a blog about letting go that has definitely kept me going. I had a hard time and still do with accepting this and letting go but I know that I still have to live my life and support my family and Brayden (my angel baby) would want me to keep going. I promise that one day you will be able to look back at the memories of your daughter and smile.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby) 

To let go isn't to forget, not think about, or ignore.  It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  Letting go isn't winning, and it isn't losing.  It's not about pride, and it's not about how you appear, and it's not about obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not giving in or giving up.  Letting go isn't about loss, and it's not defeat.  To let go isn't to cherish memories, but to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is accepting.  It is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow.  It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy.  To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path, and to set yourself free.

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Laura, I am learning that "letting go" is freeing. I am finding that all the while I thought "letting go" meant letting go of Joey, I am finding that what it truly means is "letting go" of the pain. The memories do seem hard to grasp sometimes, but they come back and even stronger in many ways. Painting walls and letting go of the way things used to be move us into a place of new discoveries...that we can and do survive such loss and pain; that we do remain connected (not here in this word by flesh, but by God, eternity and Spirit. And while I do not believe we can communicate directly, (I know many do and that is your way--so no defenses here please), I do believe that our Creator binds us all to Himself (those of us he knows here and those who are with Him there). One vision that helped me through those awful times of feeling separated was to think on how "together" we are in worship. For eternity our babies are in continual worship with Him, for Him. And we are not always, because our nature is to drift. But when we are in complete worship with Him and For Him, the only thing that separates us and our children is from here to there. We are still together in Christ. I know you believe this too. Try to hold onto that image---the closeness of doing exactly what Sarah is doing in the exact same moment, worshiping our Lord. :)

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SARAHS MOM.

I FEEL JUST LIKE YOU, EVEN THOUGH KOURTNEY HAD GOTTEN MARRIED AND MOVED OUT, WHEN WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS SICK SHE SORTA MOVED BACK IN, SO HER ROOM, (GUEST ROOM) IS LIKE A SHRINE TO HER...THEN MY OLDEST DAUGHTER GOT DIVORCED A YR AFTER GETTING MARRIED BECAUSE IT WAS A YR FROM HELL (WITH EVERYTHING WE WENT THROUGH W KOURTNEY) NEEDED A BED AND SHEETS AND BEDSPREAD....IT ALMOST KILLED ME TO PART WITH THEM, TO LET MY OTHER DAUGHTER HAVE THEM...I HADNT WASHED THEM OR ANYTHING, CUZ THEY HAD HER SMELL ON THEM....BUT I GAVE THEM TO KIMBELRY BUT TOLD HER WHEN SHE GETS MONEY SHE IS TO BUY MATTRESS AND BOXSPRINGS AND BEDDING, BECAUSE I NEED ALL THAT BACK FOR KOURTNEYS ROOM...AND IT WILL STAY THAT WAY....

I ALSO SLEEP WITH HER PRAYER PILLOW EVERY NIGHT SINCE SHE DIED,,,I JUST NOW PUT IT IN HER ROOM FOR THE SHRINE...IM SLOWLY WEINNING MY SELF....

YOUR GONNA MAKE IT GIRL, DONT YOU GIVE UP...OUR BABIES ARE NOW FRIENDS UP THERE....IT HELL BUT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT , WE ALL ARE...GOD HAS GOT TO REWARD US FOR THIS PAIN...SOME HOW..

PLZ KEEP IN TOUCH..WE ALL HURT...

LORRI L

KOURTNEYS MOMMA

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Sarah's Mom

Please know you are not alone.  On Feb 7, 2008 my Mother died of breast cancer.  She was my best friend.  On May 30, 2008 my aunt, on my father's side, also died of breast cancer. 

And the last wind storm came on June 19, 2008 my son was killed in an automobile accident.

How does one person survive such horror.  I am still in shock.  I can understand my aunt, she was in her late 70's, my mother was younger at 65, but my son at 16!!  That in insanity.

Reading books from other parents who have lost children has been my biggest help.  I am also going to a councelor not only for me, but for my 2 surviving children, Michelle (18) and Aaron (14).

I read the input from others on this site and it is so helpful.  They really seem to understand how you think you go crazy sometimes.

I will be praying for you, just like I know you will do the same for me.

Keep the kind words coming, I love them.

Brian's Mom

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Claudia, 

      Its amazing that you say you connect with your Joey during worship.

The first six weeks during worship and praise I was broken and could not sing to God so I sat and cried. Praise and worship had always been my strong suit but our enemy

knocked the wind out of my sails.  Then I went to sunday service 2 weeks ago and during worship and praise I felt sarah praising God right along with me.   I went with my hubby John and nephew Teddy and on the way home from church my nephew

told us he felt Sarah praising God with him during worship.  Then I knew it was true

as we both praised God we connected to Sarah as she is always in His presence praising and worshipping our Father in Heaven.  Our God won't leave us here alone

and when we move on in God we'll be closer yet to Him.  I sometimes feel God saying

to me "There will be fullfilling moments in my life that will help me to go on"

So I must trust Him and I do. 

  Claudia,  Your such a minister of grace and hope to me and others here. I know you have heard this before but I must say it again as you have no idea how you have helped me thu this tragic loss to of which I had no idea how to cope with or if I would survive in it. I was scared, lonely and even suicidal (which I never thot I ever would be in my life) and God used your sweet transparent witness that even in this loss I could be a overcomer.  Thank You Claudia.  I will be eternally grateful.

Hugs  Laura

*********************************

Brians Mom,

    I am so with you as you put into words what it  feels like to lose so much

and how it seems impossible to survive such a whirlwind of tradedy.  I know you long and ache to just hug, hold, and comfort your precious son as I do my daughter.

  I found this BI from a  google search because as much as my friends, family and church family could sympathize with me none could relate to me as they all had their family intact with them.  I needed to know what I was in store for.  I knew the initial shock would wear off and comforting family/fiends would slip back into their cozy lives

as it should be.  I knew only those who had their hearts broken as I did would understand my pain and prepare me for the healing I knew would necessary to overcome this great loss in my life.

    I must say I was blind myself before this happened to me.  I never knew so many mothers/fathers could suffer so until I lost my sweet sarah.  Many  have been

here hurting, healing, and helping others who are new to this loss and it amazes me

what can come out of such pain. 

    Yes, my prayers go out for you dear mother as I feel your  pain as deeply as you do.  I know our God is our only hope and no matter what,  we must surrender ourselves to Him and He is Faithful to bring us through this fiery furnace untouched as

He did for Daniel.  We will get to the other side of this scorching pain, not around it, not over it but through it knowing His Spirit is there with us not allowing the fire to burn us.  This is our hope that when life tries to overwhelm us Our God keeps us from being consumed by the fire. 

   So although I don't feel we'll be as comfortable and normal as we once were I do know someday  we can be well  and we have each other here to make this adjustment a little softer. Bless God for BI

Laura

*****************************************************

Lorrie,

  What a mouthful you said when you said ".GOD HAS GOT TO REWARD US FOR THIS PAIN...SOME HOW.."   I too feel something good must come from this kind of suffering

as I have lost 3 babies before I had my Sarah and even lost her now.  I don't think

it was because we were not parent material and yet I now sit here childless.  Only God knows the whys in our losses but I know we serve a positive God and whatever the reason it will be for the good of all who are called by His name. 

   What a beautiful daughter Kourtney is.  How did you make that prayer pillow as it

is a very good idea.  I thot of making a scrapbook for my daughter sarah but I need to take a scrapbook class first as crafty I am not yet but could be if I learned how.

Yes I believe that everyone here who is connecting with our losses also our children are connecting in heaven with each other too.  They are probably praying us thru this too.  I am not sure if its scriptual but I remember asking my pastor if our loved ones who passed away see us when we sin and he said "no"    In heaven they may know something is going wrong here on earth and help pray us thru it.  My pastor used the scripture about "a cloud of witnesses"  Hebrews 12:1  cloud of witnesses being the Heroes of Faith who are cheering us home.  I am not sure but I seem to agree with my pastor who these clouds of witnesses are.  In our case our children of Faith have gone on before us and our cheering us on thru this terrible loss to make it thru to the other side remaining faithful to the end.  What a thot and so inspiring to think are children are connecting and cheering all of us BI'ers on and thru the mazes of our loss.

WOW....goosebumps....

Laura

***************************************************************

Amanda,

     I can relate to your loss too. I lost 3 babies before having my Sarah.  I found

that losing my babies before birth was its own type of loss.  The loss of a dream that almost came to pass was just as devastating as I had a strong desire to be a mother.

I felt is my right to be a mother as well. So I felt a cruel joke had been played on me

and I was being cheated of a normal life. At that time I was young and did not have the understanding of God I have now so I was very mad at God for allowing me to go thru that.  Now I know I am finite and He is infinite and always has a positive outcome

even if we do not see why here on earth we will in heaven know why.

  I do know that heaven is now a sweeter since all four of my children are there now.

Although seeing them there is not my main goal in passing on to glory (as seeing our savior Jesus face to face is our main object of affection) but it does give me more to look forward to.  I hope the same for you dear

Bless you

Laura

  

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4everjoeysmom

Laura, Bless you my sister, and praise God for Hope birthed out of brokenness!! when I receive the kind of blessing you just gave to me in your post, it becomes and affirmation to me that my time here is not being wasted and that Joey did not leave this world in vain. I know in time you will offer this same witness to other broken mothers, and in as much, you too will find healing and purpose beyond what you ever imagined on this side of eternity--especially after losing a precious child. God bless you and keep you! Much love and endless HOPE, Claudia

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Well im not crafty either.:( a church made it for us) on one side it has psalms 23, (sp) and the other it has a poem, it was under her litttle hand for 7 months, now its on her bed, ...i wouldnt take 60million for it...

have you read the idea on the other thread for "Kourtneys Kloset" im so exceited about it...

i got goosybumps too....huggin you....from Oklahoma

Lorri L

Kourtneys momma

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I just wanted to write and check on everyone. I was wondering if you could write me and tell me one of the main things that have helped you cope with your loss. Maybe something you do, or something you've read, or maybe even a family member or friend that has done something for you. I was wanting to post a blog on my myspace with helpful advice on coping especially for those who are just experiencing a loss. So if you could please give me some ideas I would greatly appreciate it.

Amanda (Mother of an Angel Baby)

www. myspace. com/dedicatedtoourangelbabies

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