Beginning to process the loss of my mother *very long*

[metrojosie]

Hello, I'm new here. I noticed my step-dad finally made his first post so after putting it off for two weeks I think it's time for me to post mine. My mother died in a hospital in Houston after an emergency surgery and two months there. I guess I'll get into the telling of the detail of her story later, since I still feel the strong urge to talk about what happened to her. I feel that telling it over and over help me to process what happened to her, but no one wants to hear about it. Everyone else is moving on and I haven't even started dealing with it yet. I guess up to now I've dealt with it mostly by ignoring it. Mostly, right now I am angry. I'm angry that she did not receive better and more prompt care for the three days she was in the hospital here.

Forget it, I better start with the telling of the story.

In August 2001, one day after driving me to college in San Antonio, my mother had surgery to replace a heart valve. She was fitted with a mechanical valve at that time. I was upset that I was not able to be with her when it happened, I was scared for her, but she had pulled through so many bad situations in her life, it was a given that she would survive and be okay. Early in 2007 my mother was diagnosed with rectal cancer. Her doctor had been telling her for over a year that it was just hemorrhoids. I was enraged. I told my mother to sue, but she didn't want to. She was terrified that she had been diagnosed with cancer for a second time in her life (she battled Hodgkins' disease as a teen) and just wanted to concentrate on that. She seemed tired, panicky, depressed for the rest of the year. On August 21st I saw my mother moving around and coherent for the last time. I went over to share with her the good news that I was pregnant with my second child. My mother responded negatively, which hurt my feelings, but I tried to shrug it off as the effects of chemo. I was familiar with the effects of chemo, as my grandfather had been battling lung cancer for three years at that point. I was shocked myself that I was pregnant and trying to deal with it and get used to it, so I wanted to avoid her and her negativity for a couple of weeks until my husband and I had had time to process the knowledge that our family would be expanding in April. She went into the hospital on September 8th. She had been hospitalised many times since her diagnosis and from my experience with my grandfather, it was par for the course with any cancer. We were having financial and car troubles, so I figured I'd go visit her when she got out of the hospital. I got a call from my aunt on september 11th that my mother had been moved to the ICU, that something was very wrong and I had better come up right away. After a couple of hours I was able to make it to the hospital with my then 16-month old son. We were informed that they had discovered her heart valve had come loose and was wobbling back and forth as her heart beat. It could let loose at any time. It was reccommended that she be immediately flown to a heart hospital in Houston for a surgery to repair the valve. We were told she might not survive the flight there, and she probably wouldn't survive the surgery. She survived the flight, as we drove to houston to be with her, and they started the surgery about an hour or two before we got there per our request because there was really no time to be wasted. She survived and we were told she had a reasonable chance for recovery. at some point during her two-month stay, we were given more information about what had happened and was still happening to her. The valve gave way as a result of an infection of the heart, which was probably introduced through the PICC line in her arm. The infection also caused a hole in the wall between the sides of her heart and the pressure of blood shooting through that hole also badly bruised another heart valve. The result was that she had little to no blood flow to her body from the time that it happened, days earlier, until the completion of the surgery. We discovered later that this lack of blood flow caused massive tissue death throughout her body, but no where was more evident than her legs and feet. The dead tissue bagan to get infected, and spread that infection throughout her body. We were told they'd have to amputate a leg, then both legs, and then the doctors discovered that the more tissue they cut away, the more died. They didn't know where it would stop, if ever. We were intsructed to turn off the machines that supported her life. We agreed, and I held my mothers hand while she died. Right in front of me.

I am so angry. My mother was admitted for symptoms of heart attack and had a known history of heart diease and valve replacement. WHY WHY WHY didn't they figure out what was wrong SOONER!? Why didn't they do the test that sent her to Houston when she was admitted, instead of three days later. Furthermore, why was her cancer undiagnosed for a YEAR after she reported bleeding to her doctor?! I am SO SO ANGRY! But it doesn't matter, because it's not going to bring my mother back.

I am ready to start processing what has happened. I want to start grieving so that I can try to heal. I'm tired of ignoring it.

[need2talk]

Very sad to hear the story of how you lost your mum. Mine too was misdiagnosed and died as a direct result of the 'mistake', (their words). She would still be here now if they'd looked at her history and given her the correct medication. Instead i'm visiting her grave with flowers every week............I'm just beginning to process the loss I think. So sad, SO ANGRY and so tired. It's been 9 months - means nothing. Miss her painfully. Relate so much to your story, thinking of you, stay strong. Our children are a great leveller I feel  ~ hugs ~

[metrojosie]

I never thought I could be so angry and so sad a the same time. My children have been robbed of a wonderful grandmother. I missed my mother dearly during the birth of my daughter. I know she would have been so supportive and in absolute AWE of the process of her birth.

[butterfly13]

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.I can relate,my mom wasn't feeling good for years.She kept going to Dr's,was in and out of the hospital,she kept telling everyone she always felt sick-we were starting to question her sanity because the they never found anything wrong with her.She was 59 when she died in June,we still aren't sure why this happened.Mad is exactly how I feel.