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el-john

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First time to this part of the site. My problem has many sides. My son Micheal died 18th Jan 07. On that day my husband, Micheal's step dad was on duty as an Intensive Ambulance Paramedic. I was on duty as an Emergency Medical Dispatcher. My team took the call, dispatched the ambulance and my husband responded.

Micheal died after 55mins of attempts to resusitate him failed. Our communications around this day remain extremely clinical and very professional. It's like it was just another job. We talked about it just as we would another job. How sad it was for someone so young. To leave a young daughter.

All the while deep inside I am screaming out questions. What was he like when you arrived? Where was my grand daughter when he was found unconscious. Did he regain consciousness and speak, do you think he knew you were there. Did he know I was on my way?

I want to know how he felt when as senior officer on scene he had to call the death and cease resus.

But we don't. He has gone back to work. I am yet to find the strength or energy to try to return. Even if I could I am not sure I could do the job now.

I know grief is personal and we all heal at various levels in various times. I just know in my heart that this has changed who we are and who we were. I miss that.

Trudi

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jackiewitter

Trudi, I would like to talk with you further, but am not able to do so right now. If you check this site, I will be back on tonight and discuss further. I truly understand your feelings. You can go to my profile and email me if you wish. Peace, Jackie

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Jackie,

I am in Australia and neve quite got the time difference. As I am writing it is 10:23am Saturday.

Hopefully I can manage the time soon.

Trudi

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jackiewitter

Trudi,

Hi, I lost my brother in August 06. My mother died in 2001 at 71 and my father 2004. My little brother and I were the youngest of 4 and we were very very close. When my father passed away my husband and I ask my brother to move closer to us. He lived with us for about 4 months before he moved out on his own. My husband hired him to work for him and in August they were both in another town setting up a job. They both arrived on Sunday and spent the day setting up hotel rooms for the crew (my brother and crew were to be there 2 months)my husband just flew out to help get contractors in order. On Tues there was an accident, it is still unsure exactly what happened, but my brother sustained a severe head injury. My husband was there. While he was not right with him when the accident happened he was less than 100 yards away. My husband rushed over and spent what would be Jeffrey's last "waking" moments. At the time he was airlifted from the site, Jeffrey was mentally gone. My husband called to and told me of the accident, then later called to tell me the doctors said he was not going to make it. I flew out on the earlies flight I could get and Jeffrey was being maintained by life support. At that time all kinds of medical decisions had to be made, in your line of work I am sure you are quite familiar with many. It was my youngest daughter's 18th birthday and my father had passed away two years before on her 16th birthday, I prayed that Jeffrey would please hang on past her birthday. He died on his own at 12:15 Aug 3rd, just minutes after her birthday had past. My husband and I have spoken of it so briefly. It is not know if it was actually a member of the crew or one of the subcontractors that was responsible for his death...it was an accident, I understand that, but SOMEONE accidently killed him. After a 6 month investigation, OSHA never really fully explained what happened, but they assigned fines to my husbands company. My husband has continued on with his life, we don't speak of it at all. I am stuck in the mire of what happened, why did it happen, and the utter pain of missing my brother so much. It is very difficult because my husband loved my brother, they were friends, I know that, and with that knowledge, I know that he must be suffering too. But...we don't speak of it. There are all kinds of things that I want to know, I want to hear them again. I want him to tell me exactly what Jeffrey's last moments were. How hard did he squeeze his hand, I want to know everything, but I cannot ask him. Why exactly do I want to hear it again anyway? I cannot seem to let this go. I thought I was getting better. In January I felt like I was going to make it through this, then with the end February it all seemd to crash back down. I cannot agree with you more. This has changed who I am, naturally it has changed who my husband and I are as a couple. We were so very happy before, we shared so much. My brother would come over on the weekends when my husband did not have him out of town on a job and the three of us would share a beer and sit for hours watching the kids swim and goof off. We have 4 young adult children and they too see it, especially the girls. I just don't know where to do with it. I have prayed and prayed and I know my prayer warrior friends, Claudia and Diane, are lifting me up daily, but I still seem to be stuck. If you figure something out, please pass it on. I have posted on the marriage issues before, but as you can see, I am no further along than I was then. I'll say a special prayer for your and your family tonight. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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slimoperasinger

Trudi, Jackie & anyone else reading,

I am so glad that this thread is active again. I seemed like no one was using it when I wrote my other post.

If your spouse was close to your loved one, then I feel you are much more fortunate. In my case, my husband didn't really show any kind of caring toward my mom, other than being indiferent. Sure, he went through the motions of saying the "right" things when she died, but what spouse wouldn't? The fact is that he barely ever even talked to her, even tho' we lived in the same house. He mostly ignored her, like she wasn't even there. Now that she's gone, he acts like nothing happened. I know that he is uncomfortable with emotion (like many men I've known), but I get tired of making this excuse. Because my marriage feels so empty, it makes my loneliness without my mom that much worse. Plus, like I've said on the mother board, I have no brothers or sisters to share with either.

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Jackie

I am the same. I want to know what happened. I know the clinical stuff. I don't know what happened in the last hours of his life. His partner and daughter were the ones with him, but his partner has distanced herself completely and my granddaughter is only 18months old. Mike returned home to us on New Years Eve 2006. His partner had asked him to leave their home after a long period of dispute. He was devestated. He spent hours and hours speaking to my husband about his life, love, direction and where he wanted to be. He was with us for 10 days and the old Micheal started to re emerge. He returned home on the Friday. Saturday he was to come to his nieces birthday. He rang on the day saying he couldn\'t make it. The light had gone again. On the Wednesday he rang home, we were at work. His message sounded more positive. Have got a routine, life is on track. \'Heading out now to catch up with Community Centre guys, call you tommorrow. Love you\'. I made a mental note that night to ring him first break on Thursday morning. First break saw the call come in. The address familiar, the age and gender of the patient the same. I rang my husband who was already on the road responding. The rest was surreal. The calltaker was doing CPR over the phone. My husband confirmed Full Cardiac Arrest. The Ambulance officers attempted resus for 55mins. The senior officer in the communications centre asked if I wanted a Helicopter to head out. I knew in my heart that Micheal was gone. Resus was ceased at 1020hrs. My husband called time of death. I went to see my son at his home. The scene was calm, the police were there. My husband began speaking to me as the relative of someone who had died. Preparing me for what I was about to see. I had been a nurse for 15yrs, yet this was his way I guess of coping. Micheal looked peaceful. The scene had been impeccably cleaned to hide any trace of the resus.

Any information or questions I ask about what went on that day are given brief professional and clinical answers. I am still waiting for a cause of death from the coroner. I want to hear the tape of the 000 (911) call. I want to hear that his partner was emotional, devestated. I know from the crews that she was not there when they arrived. She was at the house in front of theirs. No CPR had been commenced despite instructions being given. Her version of events number 5 now! I miss my son, his smile his humour and his hugs. I miss my husband. We were two people so insync, spiritually, physically, mentally. We could talk for hours, walking in silence but know each others thoughts. Not so now. My husband has gone back to work. He talks about the job, how was your day stuff, how are the grandkids, kids, what did you do today. Its safe stuff. Any indepth stuff sends him running. I am working with a trauma counsellor twice a week. My husband asks, how did it go, but then turns off to another level when I try to respond.

People ask why do you need to know, it wont bring him back. I know it wont but maybe just maybe it will allow me the peace or the place to start rebuilding my 'new normal life'. It might answer some questions, raise others and sort the important stuff from the insignificant.

I know that one day you feel that you can move forward and something takes you back to day one. I am aiming that the distance between these days grows and while not forgetting Micheal, allows me to remember him without the heaviness of not knowing.

Blessed be - Trudi

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jackiewitter

Trudi, I wanted to share with you something that a dear friend said. It is Claudia, she post as "4everjoeysmom". I know she will not mind me sharing it with you.

"I was reading something you posted on the marriage thread... it occurred to me for the first time. Of course I don't want to say anything insinsitive, so if this stings, I am truly sorry... I read that Chris was at the job site merely to set up contractors, but Jeff was staying for a longer time to work. Might it have been possible that Chris would not have made that journey? The events still would have occurred but Jeff would not have had Chris there to hold his hand and sit with him, or accompany him to the hospital. I can't help to think that Chris's presence there wasn't a fault regarding being feet away from the accident, but more he was there (assigned by God) to be a caring heart and a family member to be with Jeff so for all intensive purposes Jeff would not feel alone as he journeyed homeward. Does that make sense? I know it is hard to chew on the fact that questions linger unanswered. As women, we want the fine-tuned details of everything, as if they can provide us with the ability to hold onto our beloved longer or ontain "new information" that helps to keep their presence here and alive somehow. The not knowingdetails is something I struggled with early on. But I truly have found that they don't really matter. It doesn't change anything. And sometimes the details are like ticks that haunt us when we do know. I have to believe that God reveals to us what is meant for us. And if some details don't come to us, then I have to believe that it's God's will for my own good and not the fault of anyone else. Because in reality God is in control..."

I read this this morning and have thought about it through-out the day. It is so very right. I have been so buzy being angry that Chris was there and he could not change what happened...it wasn't his job to change what happened, it was only his job to comfort Jeffrey and be there with him. I truly believe now that this is the job that God assigned him to. While I am sure that Chris would rather God assigned him any other task than to have to live through that, I am also sure that there are places in his heart that he is glad that he was there. Another thing that you wrote "My husband began speaking to me as the relative of someone who had died. Preparing me for what I was about to see." That is exactly what Chris did when I arrived in Lubbock. He picked my oldest brother and I up at the airport, all the way to the hospital was idle chatter, "Where are the kids" "Is Nicki on her way back from Fort Hood" "How is Jack (our new grandbaby)"...then when we arrived at the hospital, before we went to see Jeffrey in the trauma unit, he took us to a small room and then began to tell us the mechanics of the injury, exactly what the doctors said and what the progression would be. He spoke soft and I did not recognize him as my husband, rather a kind person gently explaining what had happend. It was very bizarre, I even remember my older brother telling me "you know Jackie, I sure have a great brother-in-law". I leaned on him for days and he was comforting and then suddenly it just disappeared. I was still needing to move through this and he was past it (or so it seems). I don't know how we get back to who we were, I don't know that we ever will. I truly believe that this will make us stronger, but it sure is tiring. It's an awkward, uncomfortable place to be at times, but I have to believe this will get better.

Slimoperasinger,

I am so sorry that you feel you are alone and empty in this. I will gladly be the person you can share this with. Please feel free to talk openly with me if you would like. It seems I have pretty much bared my soul and while I wish I could talk with my husband like this, I cannot. And this site has give me at least three beautiful friendships with wonderful people.

I pray that God wraps his arms around you both tonight and gives you what you need to sleep and somehow find a smile tomorrow. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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slimoperasinger

Hi Jackie,

You are very kind and I thank you for your generosity. Really, I feel so comforted to be able to come to this board and know that there are people here who understand me and know how hard it is out there in the world going through this. It's hard to believe that this exists, when most people just want me to "get on with my life", like nothing happened. In five days it will be 1 month. I don't want time to go on because I don't want to forget.

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Jackie & Slimoperasinger,

Thank you Jackie, the words from Claudia have been something that I have taken comfort from. Micheal had people he knew working to save him. He had his mate (my husband) with him to the end. I try to imagine that this was the pathway that Micheals journey took for a reason. Mal (husband) was supposed to be there. I was supposed to be where I was.

It is the details we crave that may well be our downfall. Slimoperasinger for us it has now been 4 months. Forgetting is not something I feel will be a problem in now or in our future.

Mal and I went to our first Marriage Counselling session last night, he saw Peer Support today for another 2 hrs. We are still not talking about Micheals day. Mainly about horrific accidents or difficult emergencies he has attended since.

I have to believe in my heart that this time is a healing time. That the lack of communication may ease with the time passing.

Thankfully I am able to bare all and in effect vent on this site, for without this release the pressure in my life would become unbearable.

May the goddess of the earth, wind, fire & water encase you in field of warmth serenity and peace long enough to take the breath for another day.

Blessed be.

Trudi

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jackiewitter

Slimoperasinger,

Like Trudi says, you won't forget. It is a strange balancing act though. For me it seems that letting go of my sorrow (if I truly could) would be letting go of him. Being happy means not missing him...I know that is so very untrue, but that's the balancing part. Sometimes I feel like I choose to be in this sorrow for fear of forgetting. So I can understand exactly where you are coming from. Being almost 9 months now I speak with no more certainty than I did immediately after it happened, I am trying now to focus on each day. Some days it's take one moment at a time, but trying to my trust in God and His infinite wisdom brings some peace. Take your time and don't let anyone rush you with you emotions. They can't really, you are going to make this journey at your own pace, but don't feel that you have a timeline to meet. I tried that one and it crashed down on me. I will continue to pray for you some comfort.

Trudi,

It's very odd, the details did not bother me, the autopsy and investigation did not bother me, it was news, something that I so needed. But you are right, the craving of the details may be a downfall. I found that it was not as therapeutic as I was making myself believe. Then when there was no more, it was like an emptiness. That was when I had to face the fact that a senseless accident had taken him from us. While I am so thankful that I have the faith that allows me to rest assured I will see him again, as well as my parents, I am faced with the knowledge that I will spend the rest of my time in this life without him; and if I dwell on that, I would not get up in the mornings. I pray that you and Mal can find a place where you have the comfort of each other. I think the Counselling is an excellent idea, because no matter what, you have both suffered a tremendous loss and it does affect who you are. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Peace & blessings, Jackie

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4everjoeysmom

Dear Jackie is right. We will never forget! Although something about our hearts, and our conscience just won't let us believe that we can let go of some of our pain and grieving without losing memories. I remember how desperate I felt shortly after my son Joey died. I wanted so much to hear something, anything, new from family, friends, anyone. I felt as long as new details, stories, pictures, and what have you found ther way to me, then somehow I could keep Joey alive longer. I didn't have to submit to reality...not quite yet. But then the news and information stopped, almost as sudden as Joey's life here ended. And I felt like he died all over again. But God tells us (in Hebrews 9) that "it is appointed to man to die only once", I have found comfort that no matter what my heart and mind tell me, Joey only endured death, once, for the breath of a second before he was carried away with the Lord. He will never have to endure that again, ever! Reflecting on that a bit more, I began to really believe that in my heart and no matter how many times my mind played over and ver again the circumstances of his death, it only really happened once. I know without a doubt that Joey's life and time here were also "appointed". I can't add or deduct from that, no matter how hard I try. But I can continue to seek the memories. I was so afraid in the beginning that I would forget details..big ones, little ones, all details. It was a trick of my heart trying to make me believe that. So I wrote a page full of memories I have of Joey from conception to departure, and I still add to it as my mind wanders to more memories. I journal them on Joey's memorial web site. I am realizing over time that as my pain begins to dull--although I still have very deep pain, and the grief begins to lull just a little bit, I am able to open my mind and heart further and deeper into memories I hadn't thought about for many, many years. In what we think of death as an occurrence that robs us not only of our loved one, but also their memory, we can find if we truly desire to seek that our memories are born stronger and deeper. It's been nothing less than a gift from God, I believe, to show me that I don't have to cling to pain and grief as if that were all that is left of Joey. I am remembering more than I ever imagined I even knew I retained to begin with. So, I hope that by sharing this some of you who have those same anxieties and fears that I carried so desperately, will be able to find a peaceful comfort in knowing that it is NOT the pain and the grief that defines our "continuing connection" with our beloveds. It's their mark on the world, their memory, their time spent here with us, and all that we shared with them. It's the memories we now carry so deep in our hearts, and the love that will never, ever let us forget. From where I am in this moment I can truly say that my clinging to pain and grief like I did, for the reasons I did, made me a prisoner to my loss. I am slowly but surely redefining my life here, left behind to carry on for my very own appointed time, and the chains are being loosed slowly as well. As each link is loosed from my hard hearted prison, I slowly wake from a slumber that has bound me to emptiness, lonliness, coldness, and thoughts of mere death. I am waking to more and more treasured memories found deeper in my heart than any pain or grief could begin to take over. I stand to fight against the enemy spirit that tries to trick me into thinking my love and memories are not enough to carry me through. I stand to claim victory, and I stand to remember forever all of the wonderful, precious, beautiful moments that were shared in the interwoven appointed lives of myself and my beautiful son.

I too allowed my pain and grief to imprison my marriage. My husband was hurting so much by the loss of Joey, but I just couldn't find in my heart the love I had for Michael. I was too consumed with my desperation not to forget Joey that I warded off Michael as if he were a threat of some kind. I loathed him at times and it was hard for me to be near him without saying or doing something hurtful. Sometimes my silence and emotional distance were even worse. Today I am very ashamed that I behaved toward him in this way. I have learned that he suffers too. He just hides it much better than I do. And while our lives and relationship are forever changed after Joey, we are learning to journey together in a different way, with deep love and cherished memories. I pray that each of you who struggles now will find peaceful healing in your marriages as well. If I were to explain my journey in a way that makes complete sense to you, it would be a book, so I can;t explain it well here. (Maybe a book some day... who knows?) I can honestly say to you that if my marriage can survive all of the feelings of madness and desperation that my pain and grief has inflicted upon it, so can yours. It takes a lot of effort on our part, and sometimes we "feel" like we just don;t have the energy. But that's also a trick of the enemy spirit of dissention. Our marriages are worth the fight. And as we begin to fight for our senses and to be loose from the chains of our personal prison, then can we continue the fight to preserve and protect the other precious gifts in our lives, like our husbands. I realize some of us have the challenge of a husband that isn't exactly our dreamy vision of compassion and one-ness in our grief. And some of us might even have the apitomy of an insensitive oaf. But there must be something in our hearts that remains of what drew us to love him. Dwell on that for a while, and pray about it even more. It CAN be revived--different, but perhaps even more powerful than before. The old adage of what doesn't kill us makes us stronger is so true. We can and we will survive this! And we will carry on in time in ways that will bring honor to our beloveds, and the birth of many. many deeply hidden treasures os memories beyond anything imaginable. It is when we desire to move into the Light that we actually can begin to feel the warmth of the Light. And the warmth of the Light brings brightness, and the darnkness must flee... Let's dwell in the light... Let's stand to battle and claim victory in our lives! Let's LOVE and LIVE!!

God bless you all, and bring you peace and comfort to Light, Love, healing and remembering... Love & Hugs, Claudia

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Claudia & All,

I agree 100% w/ your post. We must begin to fight the GOOD fight for ourselves & our marriages. I too feel that since Harvey's death, my husband & I have had a different kind of marriage. It's not worse than before..just different. I have chosen to forgive my Husband his trespasses during these last 5 months.Part of the problem was; I expected him to be a mind reader & know how hurt I was feeling over Harvey's death. Our communication skills were lacking w/ eachother.I chose to turn inward & he became a workaholic.However, I have chosen to walk a briter walk now & talk w/ my husband again. We even attend services again together on weekends(only in the last month). I find that rather than blaming him for not being there for me the last 4-5 months..I'll asking him to walk beside me again w/ G-d . It makes a difference.I'm glad you posted on this thread..it's nice to share w/ others about living life again slowly.

G-d Bless (Jackie,I am sending warm prayers your way today too :-),

Diane

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flyingangel

I lost my mother in May 2005. She was murdered. Then, in August 2006, I lost my grandmother to cancer. I was close to both of them but closest to my grandmother. She and I had a connection that I will never have with anyone ever again in this world. My mothers death left me messed up really bad so I didn't spend the last year of my grandmother's life with her as much if I had known she was about to die too. My husband and I have always had issues. We have two children. He is not a bad man just a very indifferent man. He always has been. I rememeber my grandmother telling me that I would have to learn to put my concentration on other stuff in my life when he got in his moods. She said that if I could not learn to do that and I let his comments hurt me so deeply that they were distroying me then I would have to leave him. She wanted us to stay together especially for the kids but she wanted me to learn to live above his moods and overlook them. I have been doing a much better job of concentrating on other things in my life now that she's gone. Learning to live without my mother or my grandmother and overlook my husband a lot has left me wondering where the happiness is in life. Aren't we suppose to be happy, a little? I am happy when I'm with my children. They are the most important things in the world to me but I feel so misunderstood and alone sometimes. Has anyone suffered great loss like this and is living with a man that in no way understands anything about you? If so, got any advice?

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slimoperasinger

Flyingangel,

All I can say is that you and I have the same problem at home. My son is all I have. My husband is indifferent. My mom died 1 month ago today and without her, I really feel the pain and loneliness in my marriage. If it helps you at all, I am going through the same thing!

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flyingangel

slimoperasinger, I am so sorry about your mother's death. One month is not a long time and you too are going through a lot right now. All losses are horrible but I can speak from the loss of my mother. It changes you forever, reguardless of what kind of relationship you had with her. I was very close to my mother before she died but spent the majority of my life not really understanding her. I'm glad we got close or else I don't know if I could have lived with what happened to her but the loss of a mother is huge. I will pray for you today. I have a very strong inner faith although I'm not always at church as I should be.

I don't understand most men at all. Why women with alot to offer in society and in a relationship get stuck with men who enjoy tearing us down. It absolutey makes no sense at all to me. I can't tell you how many times I have attempted to leave him and the messures I've taken to do so. He always changes drastically to stop it from happening and I see hope and don't leave. Now, he has been an ass for about two or three weeks so it's time for him to get really nice for a while but it won't last. They go through cycles.

I've watched a friend of mine leave her husband for the same reasons and their family is a total wreck. The games that are played between them and how they drag the children into it and it hurts them the most. The last arguement they got into they even dragged me into it because I am friends with both of them. This couple has been separated for two years now and their divorce went through a few months ago and they are still playing these games. Watching them makes me want to work things out and keep my family together. I just don't know what to do.

My husband says I don't do enough for him. I thought about it and I thought now that he has a bigger more stressful job at work that it would be nice if I did do a few extra things to make him feel better like take more care when doing his laundry, cook almost all the time so he doesn't have to worry about it, rub his shoulders, get him something to drink. I've never been too good about doing stuff like that. I've always thought he worked and I worked plus I took the majority of care for the girls so let him wait on himself. I'm not being a footmat now but just considerate and he is still an ass. Why?

It does help to know others are going through this too and talking to friends always get you into trouble so I think maybe coming here and writing and sharing will give me the therapy I need to deal and not cost anything. Which would be another arguement between my husband and I.

I had a dream last night about a woman dying and I had to look at her body. I've gotten up and gotten my mind off it. Concentrating on housework and the kids. I can't talk to my husband about that. He is so tired of my grief.

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slimoperasinger

Flyingangel,

Ha, ha. I have to laugh because your story is all too familiar. "Give me 6 months." "I've changed." Do you know how many times I've been through that? Well, we're in the middle of the Give me 6 month story now, so we'll see. My husband was an absolute angel to me as my mom was dying all the way through her funeral. Then again, what husband wouldn't be with the whole world watching? Would he be a jerk? Still, I could see his true colors once in a while, and they are now starting to come out again. He comes home tonight after a long business trip. That is always really stressful because I've had peace in my own life and then I have to adjust to him being home again. Of course, he doesn't even mention anything about my mom anymore and when I do, he is just indifferent. When my mom lived with us, she was always there for me to relate to. Without her, I see and feel the emptiness.

I am sorry to read about the circumstances surrounding your mom's death. How tragic.

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flyingangel

Slimoperasinger, Sounds like you've been through other deaths too. I changed drastically after my mom's death and nearly went crazy there for a while. Then my grandmother died and I changed again. I'm kind of tired of changing. Sounds like you are too.

I can relate to enjoying being alone for a while. There's no one to fuss at you. You are very fortunate that you had that time with your mother living with you before she died. I would love to have that with my mom or my grandmother. I read a book once that talked about mother/daughter relationships and how when you get older, your mother is kind of a sister in a way. You have her to relate to with on relationship ups and downs and she's always on your side.

Just as I predicted my husband has decided to be nice for a while. It's almost like he expects a trophey. I have his timing down pat now. It will take me a day or two to be receptive to it because it's just so old hat by now. You get tired of playing the same games over and over. In a few weeks he will be indifferent again. Then, a few days after the indifferance a real jerk. Then, just when I think I'll scream because I just can't take anymore he will sense that and become nice again....for a little while. That's the cycle. I wonder how many women live like this. And people say women have cycles.

The one thing that doesn't change is the fact that he absolutely can not handle any discussion of the deaths in my family. He doesn't even discuss the deaths in his family. His parents both died three weeks apart during a year break up that we went through before we were married. We have been together a long time.

The night my mother was murdered. My sister called me and told me mom was missing. Just before going to bed, I told my husband that I thought my mom was dead. He told me I was crazy and to shut up and go to bed. When we recieved the call at 4:22 am, I fell to pieces. All he could do was look at me and say in shock,"I'm sorry." My children were awakened by my screams. One was 5 and the other 9. It was like a horror movie. I always thought that kind of stuff happened to people who were dealing with drugs or hanging out with the wrong kind of people. I never in a million years expected something like that to happen in my family. I think everyone including my husband thinks you should eventually just get over it but you never get over it. You just learn to live with it the best way you can.

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slimoperasinger

flyingangel, how long ago did your mom pass away? I'm wondering how things have changed in your marriage since she passed and how long it has been going on?

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flyingangel

slimoperasinger, mom died May 2005. Then one year later, my grandmother went into the hospital and died August 2006. When we were going through all the trauma, he was wonderful. He was like that for over half a year. Then he began to be his neggative, down self a little but not as bad as before mom died. Then when my grandmother went into the hospital he was great. He helped with the girls on the weekends so I could go and spend the entire weekend in the hospital to care for her and give my aunt a break. My aunt stayed at the hospital the entire week while I was working. After about a month and a half he became tired of my grandmother being sick. He said he had taken too much time off from work and that he and the girls needed me at home. He didn't work weekends. I was the one who was tired. I worked full time all week and cared for two children and kept the clothes cleaned and the meals cooked. Then on Friday, I would wait until he got home from work and drive an hour and a half to the hospital where my grandmother was and sat with her day and night until Sunday night or Monday morning. Then I would drive back and start it all over again. My grandmother was in the hospital for 3 months exactly. I work in the school system so I was done with work in the middle of June. Toward the end, I was wearing out and getting tired. I talked to her over the phone the day before she died and she said, "See you around." I freaked out because she's never said anything like that to me before. I called my husband and asked him to come home from work. I felt that I needed to go to her. He said he couldn't. It was on a Thursday. My aunt called me the next day and told me if I wanted to see her alive again, I'd better come now. We went, my husband went with me. She was in a sleep state. She was breathing and I was there when she took her last breath. I did get to talk to her alone but she never responded. My grandmother raised me much of life and she knew my mother's murder had been really hard on me. I'm sure It was hardest on her. It was her child. I think that has something to do with why she got cancer and died. She died August 4th and I started back to work in August. It's been a rough two years.

My husband says he is the way he is because of money or lack there of. My aunt says he'd be this way if he was a millionaire. I just wish we could have a little peace. Life is short and I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to and he still does. You can't take money with you and everyone lives tight on a dime.

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slimoperasinger

Hi, Flying Angel. Wow, you have been dealing with this extra strain on your marriage 2 years later! I had to smile when you said that your husband acted like an angel during those difficult times. I think I said that's exactly what mine did too, but now it's wearing off. My husband seems to think that people get over these kinds of losses quickly. I told him that some never get over it. He asked me when I would be ready to clean out my mom's room (meaning that I'd have to get rid of most of her things) and that I have to do it sometime. I said that I am not ready and pls stop asking when I will be (after only 5 1/2 weeks). Have you tried counseling? We have many times, but it never helped and it is no longer an option.

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My son died on March 1st. He was 2. It happened out of state while he was in the care of my husband. I know my husband blames himself, but I dont. And ive told him that. Since this happened, out marriage went from whatever to rotten. We've always fought alot, but since my son died, its been constant. Then, my insecurity kicked in, and he sure wasnt doing anything to help me get over it. All of a sudden, some new woman was in his life, texting him daily. He started working out. He changed his whole routine. I got all bent out of shape, and accused him of cheating. When he finally calmed down and talked to me, he told me she was the only person he's been able to open up to about his grief. Then, I felt bad, but I still dont trust him. I dont know what to do about he and I anymore. I feel like i truly dont know him, and i wonder if he knows me at all sometimes. I know things are still raw. The wounds are still open, still bleeding. I just think this would be so much easier if we were helping each other with it. We started counseling, but he has yet to open up and "talk" to me. I dont know what to do to make things better, and I feel like I cant truly grieve for my son, until I know whether I have a husband or not. Any advice?

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For Buddhasmom~ My heart goes out to you, because it took me the longest time after my 25 year old son, Danny, passed away, to realize, once again that men truly are from Mars, while us ladies prefer to hang out on Venus!! Men are different- Thay are a completely different breed than we are, and I don't mean that in a bad way. My husband is not the father of my kids- THANK GOD- and both of my kids were/are very close to him. Yet, his way of dealing has always been to shut down, move right along, and act as if NOTHING has happened here. I resented the hell out of it for a long time, but then began to really pity him, as he has no coping skills or communication skills when it comes to something like this. He has always been the one to "fix" things in my life and he can't fix this, ever. I am free to grieve, anyway, anyhow, and at anytime that I need to. I am thankful for that. I have had to be under the care of doctors over this, and he is always anxious to hear "how I made out at the doctors", yet never goes to appointments. He feels as if our lives shattered when Danny died, and they did. So, we just take one day at a time and expect nothing emotionally from the other. We are both grieving, just differently. He is a great listener and that is a very good thing. This works for us, miraculously...If I had some guy hanging all over me and asking me to talk, I would be really nuts!!!!! I love you!! xoxoxomamabets

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mamabets - Since the death of my son in January my husband has been supportive of me. He too wanted to know how things went with the appointments to Doctor, psycholgists etc. Our predicament is tricky. He was the Intensive Care paramedic that was dispatched on the day. He performed resus and finally after 55mins called a halt. I was the dispatcher that heard the call come in and sent him and his crew out. We have only spoken about that day in clinical professional terms. Well, after 4 months we hit the wall of silence. Shut down shut out by each other to avoid the uncomfortable stuff. It was suggested he need to drive me to the appointments as they were becoming quite 'heavy'. This last time I was so distraught the psychologist bought him into the discussion so that we might actually ask each other or speak to each other about Mikes death. It was like a dam wall bursting. As Mikes mum I wanted to know why we didn't have airwing dispatched, why didn't he have him transported to ICU, why wait so long to call it if he wasnt going to transport him. I looked at this man, tears streaming down his face, 27yrs an Ambo and with a soft voice he answered each of my questions. My son was brain dead 30mins before the ambulance was called. The airwing wasn't dispatched because there was no real life. CPR had not been commenced despite instruction being given. He continued resus to be sure that every conceivable option had been covered twice. The psych asked him what he felt when he had to call the death and he replied, his voice breaking, "I thought, this is going to kill Trudi". He took my hand and said I loved him too, but I needed to be strong for you and I did what I knew. His way was to work through, steer clear of awkward stuff and try to understand when he was really lost himself. He also told me he never quite knew when to share or when to stay away. My days swing from ok to shut down and detached in a heart beat without notification. For all those with partners struggling to do say or be the right thing,stay with it. They are just as lost just in a very different place.....greetings from Venus......

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4everjoeysmom

MikesMum, As painful as it was and is, I am SO HAPPY to read your post about your breakthrough in communication with your husband... Blessings to you both as you begin in togetherness your journey to mourning, grieving, healing, remembering Mike's life more than death, and all that accompanies. It isn't easy, but it's a blessing to not be doingit alone. Hugs, Claudia

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jackiewitter

MikesMum, I know that had to have been a very painful meeting, but I cannot tell you how relieved I am reading your husbands reactions and feelings. I know that I explained to you that my husband too was there when my brother was fatally injured and I had a million questions that I just couldn't ask. I had chosen to put out of my mind that my husband too was hurting from this. Caught up in my selfishness I never thought once that Chris had to make the painful phone call to me and he had to feel somewhat responsible that he could not stop what happened. While I may never have that conversation with him, hearing your husbands response did ease my mind greatly. I wish you and your husband the very best and hope that you are able to continue in a forward motion. Thanks for being strong enough to confront this. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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Jackie & Claudia - It is true, looking at it from other angles I was so caught up in my loss I didn't once stop to think that anyone could possibly be grieving as much or in the same way I was. Mal is a trained paramedic with years of trauma experience. One thing he has never had to do is tell his wife that her first born couldn't be saved. Jackie, watching Mal's face when he recounted telling me over the phone that Mike had gone was one of the most painful experiences we have ever shared since Mike died. Mal fielded phone calls from anyone and everyone for 4 weeks after Mike died. He checked in on Steven, Melissa and their families to make sure everyone was okay. But none of us thought the man of steel might be just as fragile as the rest of us. I am blessed to have had him with my son in his final minutes. I am blessed to have the love of the man who had been shut out of my grieving while he was grieving alone. Take care of yourselves and those around you, sometimes its the little things we miss that make a world of difference.

Blessed be - Trudi

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jackiewitter

Mikesmum, I cannot thank you enough for sharing that. It gives such new insight. Things I know, or should know seem to completely escape me while I am so focused on my loss. Someone had to deal with my children, someone had to take care of the necessary arrangements. I think back now on the first days that were a blur, Chris handled all of that. Rounding up family, booking hotel rooms, etc... In addition, he had to begin pulling his staff and equipment out of the town where this all happened, all at the very same time his company was falling apart as the investigation began, him not knowing his future. He held it all together for our family. He never had the opportunity to stop and think of his loss, because it was his loss, it was his good friend, his "buddy". Your ability to be open and share such intimate parts of your marriage has helped me so much. I love my husband with all my heart and I know that God put us together for a purpose, and I know that God placed Chris with Jeffrey at the time of his death for a purpose as well, Claudia pointed that one out to me. Again, I thank you and continue to pray for you and your family. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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4everjoeysmom

My husband did the same for me...pulled me together, pulled my family together, gave the eulogy/sermon for Joey's memorial service, which I know he didn;t want to do because it hurt so much, but he allowed the Spirit to use him in a way that touched hundreds of lives and hearts that day, and he paid such an honor in tribute to Joey's life, depsite the pain. Michael was the glue that held it all together, yet months after I lost sight in that and became so overwhelmed in my own grief I forgot about his. He didn't get to grieve outwardly like I did, because he "had to keep it together for my sake". I am so thankful to see that today. Walking through my grief with other wives who have suffered in similar ways as I, and to see how we all are overcoming the hurdle of "statistics" in marriages that suffer through times of heavy loss and grief--well, all I can say truly is I am grateful for you all. You've made a positive difference in my life and grief journey. I can't thank you enough... Love & Hugs, Claudia

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My clinical psych (provided through Mal's network of Peer Support) said something to us last time we were there. After all the outpouring holding and acknowledging as Mal and I were looking at each other he said, where you now is an apparition. It is not a true reflection of who you were when you fell in love and married.

Its true. The very things that drew me to Mal, his strength, his ability to deal with crisis, his people skills (cute butt didn't hurt) were the same things that I shut him out for. He is more tired now, the job hits a litte harder than it did before. But in many ways he is still protecting me, something I love him for. I made the decision not to return to work. It was hard leaving a job I loved but it too has changed for me. Even though we now have only one income, Mal supports my decision. His hope for our future, that we will have one, together. I can't argue with that.

Thank you all for the support and as always allowing me to speak my mind (what is left of it anyway). I enclose a poem I found and I have put it next to Micheals photo to remind me.

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For Claudia, Jackie and anyone still stuck in the where do I go what do I do now box...Trudi

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

By - David Harkins

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4everjoeysmom

Trusi, Thanks for that poem,and for your amazing words in the previous post. You are so right! All the things I shut my husband out for are the same reasons why I love him. Amazing!! Thanks you for those words of insight. You've no idea how much you have blessed me today by sharing. Hugs, Claudia

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4everjoeysmom

Besides the fat finger typos... sorry TRUDI. :-)

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Young E-Published writer who has lost her mother, father, pets, friends, babies and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

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buddhasmom

I was more like your men, holding it all together, speaking at the funeral, not being allowed to break open, becuase I was the one making the phone calls, I was the one arranging things, holding everyone else together. Even still, 2 months later, Im the one going on. I\'m the one dealing with my daughters pain, and happiness, whenever that appears. Im the one continuing the investigation push for the insurance, Im the one still answering questions, and dealing with the looks, stares and hugs from friend and stranger alike. Im the one in counseling, even though my husband told me \"we\" would go. He sits there and I try to talk. Today was a bad day. He went to the bar last night, as per usual on a weekend anymore. He didnt get home til 6 am, after promising me he\'d be in early, so he could get up and clean up the house for me. Ive been ill, but still, I was the one up with our daughter, cleaning the house. I was the one walking to the pharmacy to get her more medication, because he wouldnt get out of bed. I was the one doing it all, struggling to breathe because my chest is on fire and my throat feels like its barely open. So he finally gets up, just to call into work and get back in bed. All of a sudden, after staying out all night and sleeping all day. he\'s sick. Doesnt matter that I\'ve been sick all weekend. Doesnt matter that our daughter has been sick all weekend. I feel even more so now than ever before that my daughter and I arent even on his priority list at all. He is 1, 2, 3 and 4 on his list. She and I are just inconviences to him, unless he needs some \"adult time\" with me, after which, he either goes to sleep or goes to the bar. Then, Im left up all night wondering if hes coming home, or if hes ok....He doesnt seem to care that Im still struggling each and every day to deal with losing my son, to take care of my daughter, to keep the house cleaned, to work my job, and still try to be there for him. What about me?

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jackiewitter

Trudi,

I too thank you for the poem. The words ring so true, those are our choices. We cannot go back and recover what is lost, but we can take what is lost with us. When I focus on this, I do much better. It's when I get lost in the grief I really suffer. You courage to discuss these things with your husband allowed me to tell your story to my husband. By sharing your loss with him and Claudia's insight as to his unique purpose at my brothers side as he was dying we were able to talk things out Friday where we have not before. I was able to tell him how sad I was, but how very grateful I was that he held things together for me. I can certainly understand you decision not to return to work. Chris had to return to the site where my brother was killed and it was very hard for him, I still get sick to my stomach when I hear the name of the city mentioned on the news. Time and distance from the situation will help, you may very well find a different career path altogether. No matter what your decision, you will always have a special place in my heart for sharing your courage with all of us. May God keep you and your family close. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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4everjoeysmom

BuddhasMom, It's SO HARD to shake a "what about me" attitude in the depths of our grief and pain. Truth is we just feel so overwhelmed by everything, and it doesn't help when those we expect to come to our aid don't. I for one would have a very real problem if my husband went out drinking until 6AM--or if he chose to go get drunk over the many other ways he could channel his grief. That is UNACCEPTABLE. Why are you allowing it to happen? Sometimes we have a little bit of control over circumstances, and in this case your husband's choices are not healthy for your home environment. I'm sure he is suffering in his way through the grief and loss of your baby boy, but his choices in how to deal with it are extremely destructive. I would put a stop to this now, or ask him to leave the house until he can make a choice to not be drunken and direspectful of you and your daughter--as long as you can consider and accept whatever consequences could and would result. There is no way that you are going to be able to work through your grief and healing or help your daughter in a healthy way with this going on in your house. I believe in the whole man is head of household, but if he's drunk and neglectful, I also believe what good is he? I am the first to say we should all work on our marriages with all we can muster and then some. But this situation is beyond workable if he continues to choose this path and not talk with you. Forget about the sex! That would be non existent for me if I were in this situation. He needs counseling. And you have some decisions to make if you can't penetrate through to him to see the destructuve course of his actions. I believe this is contributing to your feelings of hopelessness, despair and anger, and you cannot ignore this, because it sounds like a problem that will not go away if unaddressed... No wonder you are asking "what about me?" If this behavior is random, then you must talk about it now and not ignore it to the point of it becoming out of control. Is your husband an alcoholic? Or is he drowning his pain in the bottle? Both are dangerous. Expose the problem, and get outside help if you need to. Covering it up is not a solution, and you will only be left to dive deeper into despair. I'm sure you do not want that for yourself, your daughter, or your husband. Two months is not enough time...there are still shock factors. And at 3 months is when I started to exhibit more anger in my grief for a short time. You have many stages to work through, and you have an added challenge of what to do about your husband's response and lack of. I wish I could say something "wise". My dad was drunk for most of my childhood. He didn't have the excuse of losing a child. But even if he had, his drunkenness destroyed our family. He destroyed my childhood and nearly led me to suicide. I spent many years in my teens and twenties in self-destructive activities. You name it, I did it. Don't let that happen to your daughter! I don't know what the severity of the alcohol abuse is there, or how long it's been going on, but your message strick some chords with me. I hope and pray that you find the strength to deal with this and get help. This is no way to live and honor the memory of your beloved son... I feel for you... Hugs, Claudia

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Jackie - I know what you mean. We live in the Yarra Valley where Micheal died. Different towns but linked in so many ways. I no longer go to Warburton where the river is beautiful and the coffee shops are plentiful. To do that would be to passby where Micheal took his last breath.

I am still not working. I went off work citing Workplace Trauma. I have just received the rejection of the claim. Their reasoning is based on their belief that it was just a coincidence that I happened to be working on that day. I am just a mother grieving and should be working on get through the grief. It has nothing to do with watching his death unfold on a computer screen or hearing the resus through the headset of the calltaker!!!!!! Just as you seem to get over one hurdle and try to make a break to the promised new normal someone takes another shot and knocks you down. The flow on effect is my communication at this time is basically contributing to this website. I don't have to explain my feelings, or lack of them here. Even the conmunication with Mal is struggling again. We have been directed to challenge the decison. Going over and over the day again and again to someone else can tell me to get over it in a variety of ways. I would like to just go into this meeting and scream at my company mangement infront of the judge - For f@#*k sake, Micheal died while we tried to save him remotely from a communications room. When he needed a mum more than ever he got an Ambulance Dispatcher, what more could they want from me.

Sorry but I am pissed and back at square one with no recollection of ever leaving......

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jackiewitter

Trudi,

Hey honey, I am so sorry to hear about the claim rejection. It does seem like it opens it all up again. Your situation is so very unique, I am sure that I could not go back this early. And I don't understand how they can say that it is not work related. Coincidence or not, the fact remains that it happened and you were there. How could one not be traumatized by it. We spent 6 months waiting on an autopsy and investigation, only to see OSHA assign some minor citations and fines. I had an opportunity to appeal and push for further investigation, but I chose to accept their original findings. It was a very difficult decision, but a good friend here told me that there are some questions that may never be answered and I may have to live with that. Faith in my God and that He had things under control. Had my husband not had involvement, I may have pursued further, but I had a marriage to try and make whole again. I had the living that still needing caring for. I pray and I pray that I made the right choices, but I know that the weekly phone calls and conversations with the bureaucracy of it all was dragging me further down. I had to remove myself from it. Once that happened, I spent another month feeling like I had let my brother down, but finally April brought some hope and now we are into May and I feel like I have made some progress. Thank God and some wonderful friends here. I wish you well, and pray for you to feel some sense of healing. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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jackiewitter

BuddhasMom,

I am not sure if your husband has a drinking problem, but grief can certainly give add to that. While I agree with Claudia 100%, I just wonder if he drank before. I know that after my brother's death I found myself trying to put myself to sleep at night with wine, anything that would help me sleep through the night. Nothing worked, but I did notice the wine did not dull my senses as I had hoped, it only made it more distorted and painful. I would also caution being around him when he drinks. I lashed out at my husband, said horrible things that I know I would have never said in any other circumstance. You must take care of yourself before you can give any aid to someone else. I encourage you to do what you must to find peace. This site is a wonderful place to talk and expose your emotions freely. Just make sure that you are not in a place where you can be more emotionally hurt. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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buddhasmom

My husband has always been a "bar guy". We live in a small town, and thats what everyone here does to let loose,go to the one bar in town. Everyone he knows is there. He hasn't been "drunk" since it happened. He's gone drinking, but hasn't gotten drunk. He's admitted to me that the alcohol doesnt do for him what it used to do. He says he can't even get a good buzz. More often than not, he leaves the bar early. He just doesnt come home. On several occasions, he has said he spent the night at the cemetery. This last time, he said he just drove around. I think the bar thing is an escape for him, at least he wants it to be. But he goes, and sees all his "friends" living their lives like normal, and he will never be the same normal again, and I think it gets to him. Im waiting on him to realize that this bar thing isnt helping, and isnt going to help. Until then, I just have to let him try to deal with the hurt. Im very proud that he hasnt become an alcoholic. Alcohol was what he always used to turn to for comfort, and now its not working, and he hasnt found anything else to work, so he keeps trying the bar. As I posted on another board, he and I have finally had a real conversation. He opened up a bit. He says hes scared to open up at all, because hes been holding things in for 25 years, and he doesnt want to flood me. We do have things to duscuss in tomorrows counseling now though. Sometimes, it gets hard, sometimes, it gets stressful, and feeling alone isnt helping. Some days he's great, and some days, hes awful, and it happens to be those days that I post. I dont want you all to think hes a complete a$$ all the time.

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To all I hope you and your partners are finding direction. Malcolm and I still struggle. He sent this to his Peer Support Guys about 3 months after my son died. It was a piece he wrote about who he is and where he is at the moment. I got to read it before he sent it. I did nothing but cry. He never seems to allow the job to 'get to him'. But he says now they do. His story is an overview of the jobs he has attended, (MIcheal included) and what happens to him when its all over. It is long but it really did hit me that while he affords me the time and space to fall apart and self indulge in my loss, he never really took the time for himself.

==============ooo000ooo===============Malcolms Story

Arriving at this crash was not unlike the many hundreds we had attended in the past. Debris from the vehicles was strewn over the road, the fire services were already on scene. The afternoon sun was beating down on the tangled wreckage of a small station wagon. Severely trapped on this vehicle was a man whose life appeared to be ebbing away. He looked at me and told me his name. I told him we would do everything to get him out.

With no blood pressure to record, with multiple limb fractures and major chest and abdominal trauma sustained. I knew this mans life hung by but a thread.

Rescue, fire, and police services all knew him. He was well known and respected throughout the town.Inside the vehicle the noise was deafening. Compressors to power cutting equipment, generators for lighting, and the roar of fire engines to maintain water pressure all meant one had to shout to pass messages. With the roar of the helicopter dissipating, with compressors, generators and fire engines shutting down, with the moon and street lights beaming down on what was, we were left in the silence, left to ponder. Not a word was spoken I could see the fatigue in the eyes of those around me, as they could see mine.

It is then that I realised, it’s the silence that numbs you. It’s the silence that hurts. I go home from this job and for days, at night as I lay there and the pictures come back. I continue to hear the roar of engines in the silence, in the dark.

I am but human, a soldier, paramedic, lover, husband, father and son. I can no longer control my emotions. I am no longer who I was, and am now struggling to find the new and different me.

In the silence life goes on.

==============ooo000ooo===============

Just when you think they have no idea of what you are going through when you think they don't care, you might find they just don't know how to say it, or if they should - Blessed be to those who live and learn

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Good Afternoon,

Beyond Indigo is undergoing a redesign and upgrade. We have been working on this project for many months now and have a few more updates to make before it will go live. One of these updates or new features is an e-card program. People will be able to send out I am thinking of you cards, birthdays, anniversary of the loss cards, etc. We are looking for people to submit e-cards they have created to be included in this program. We do have the ability to send out the cards with a watermark on them. The artist would retain the copyright unless we purchased the e-card or it was given to us freely. If you have some e-cards you have created and want them to be considered please email them to Kelly@beyondindigo.com.

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell, MA

President

Beyond Indigo

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buddhasmom

My husband asked me for a divorce this morning. Well, told me that i had 2 options, and they both involved divorce. He wants to go today and file. He is so consumed by pain and grief from losing our son. He said that when our son died, everything died. He is lashing out in anger, and pushing everyone away, including our daughter. Im in so much pain right now. I havent slept in a week. Havent eaten in I dont know how long. And im watching the love of my life self destruct. I dont know what else to do but let him. He wont listen to me, he wont talk to me. I am nothing to him now he says. He says there is nothing left for him anymore. I am so scared for him right now that he is going to either conciuosly or subconciously hurt himself irreparably. It hasnt even been a full three months since Donovan died. But he has let it all consume him. He blames himself, because he was there when it happened. He doesnt understand that It kills me that I WASNT there. That pain he has from being there, i want. I deserve. I was his mother. Im so scared that hes going to die. He has given up on everyone and everything in his life at this point. He has pushed us all away. He is nothing but a ball of pain and rage. And hes going to explode. Im so scared of what that wil mean to my daughter. She just lost her best friend and i dont want her to lose her hero too.

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jackiewitter

Buddahsmom

I am so sorry. I understand, but I am so very sorry. I know that everything has changed. My husband and I have isolated ourselves from each other as well. I really don't know how to fix it. I just don't have the energy to put the work into a marriage like I used to. Sometimes it's just too painful. I would suggest counseling to you, do you think he might be open to it? It's so sad, I wish I could do something for you, but all I can offer is my prayers and my support. If you wish to email me my email address is on my profile, please fee free to. I will put you in my prayers tonight, peace and blessings, Jackie

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buddhasmom

We were in counseling. It didnt have a chance to work, because he gave up before it could. Not to mention, neither of us liked our counselor. He is leaving tomorrow with our daughter to go back to N. Carolina, where my son died. I think hes trying to exorcise some demons. Whiel they are gone, i am going to stay with friends in another state, just to get away from everyone and everything. I am hoping we can have this time apart to think about why we fell in love in the first place and why we stayed together so long. Since yesterday afternoon, we have been co-existing. We decided to put off making a decision until after our trips. I dont know what decision we will make, but we will both hopefully be making it with clear heads and hearts.

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jackiewitter

buddhasmom. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Make the effort, you will never regret if you try. I know you heart is hurt already and it just sucks so bad, but try. I wish you the very best and if you need to talk I am here. Nothing new has develped with us, we are just doing much the same; co-existing. It's so hard to talk, I don't know why, we always could before. Well I truly wish you the best and I'll keep you in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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This has been the worst week since Mike died in January. We had been having some problems that seemed small before Mike died. Since then they have become bigger. My husband and I have been to Marriage Counselling, it was supposed to give us a chance to speak about what we need to get us through these tough times. We even went into to my counselling session with the psych to gain some insight. We come away with I thought a better understanding and a better way of communicating. Well I was WRONG. My husband told the counsellors that we needed to support each other and going to counselling was a great start. That is until he decides to change the rules. Counselling is only an option if he has nothing else to do. His boss gave him every day off that we were to go to counselling, but instead he cancels and goes to work. I explained that some of this stuff is very distressing and he says okay I will support you.

I believe him and look to him to help me through, again he takes extra work. I received more crap from my company hassling me for a time when I will return and rang my husband, crying and so upset. His response was uhuh uhuh uhuh, well I'll see you in a couple of hours and hung up. Its been that way since. He spoke with the psych by phone and apologised for not attending saying I was upset and he didn't know why? Tonight was the most painful.. I asked him why he didn't come with me to my last psych appointment given that I was so distressed and told him I really needed him. I also wanted to know why he went to work and didn't even call to see how I was if he was so worried. He said without even blinking, "bad news travel fast, it anything had happened to you I would be the first to know". "if you ran your car off the road or into a tree I would have been called'. I was devestated. He was so cold and dispassionate when he spoke. No emotion. Ironically, he has a member of staff who is depressed because he has no one in his life to share his annual leave with. My husband is so concerned for his welfare he is checking in on him and set up a roster to keep an eye on him.........he is worried that the guy will take his life. I have to admit this is the one time I feel I would like to sleep the longest sleep. To be away from this, to see my son, to touch his face...to tell my husband he no longer has to worry, I will be okay. I am leaving him tonight. I have taken a place by the ocean. I plan to take my 2 grandsons to the movies tomorrow and return them home. After that I think sleep is something I will enjoy.

I am sorry this is such a negative post, but honestly I have spent all my positives on those I cared for and loved. I have nothing left......

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buddhasmom

I feel the same way mikesmum. It seems like everyone and everything else is more important than me and my daughter. I just want to fall asleep and wake up with my son in my arms...

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jackiewitter

buddhasmom & mikesmum

I just wanted you two to know that you have been heavy on my heart. I can't get the two of you off my mind. I hope this weekend will give you some peace and help give you the strength you need. You both know marriage was hard enough without the burdens that have been placed on you now. I really have nothing to offer, my prayers and my most heartfelt sympathies for where you are. You are both strong women, keep plodding. The fact that you are here acknowledging the pain shows the desire to try and make the marriages work through this most difficult time. I cannot say that my husband and I are on the mends, because each day brings new difficulties, but I do know that it means too much to me to give it up. I hope the weekend gives you what you need and please know you are both in my prayers. Peace and blessings, Jackie

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bubbhasmom&mikesmum

I'm praying for both of you. I really think a childs death wether their one or sixty I think a marriage bears the brunt of it. People are grieving and aren't there for each other and they get so lonely. I know My marriage is going through this now and my daughter has been gone only a month.

Its not only spouses though no one seems to know how to act around someone who is grieving so they leave you alone. That makes it worse. I know I wish I could just talk to some one about my daughter but nobody wants to listen and my husband is the same way.

I'll keep you both in my prayers and read your posts, vent all you want

Deb

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