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old friends and new loves--- mxing the two


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I lost my husband to suicide on December 22, 2006, he was 51 years old. He left for work, and never came home, he shot himself at work. Our children were then 30, 27, 18, and 10. We have gone through so many adjustments since then, like everyone does. We had to move from the house, it was not healthy emotionally for my young daughter and I to be there alone. We had neighbors that were more family to us than neighbors. Our family and theirs were together on almost a daily basis. Our husbands became best friends, and we even vacationed together. They have been such a tremendous support to us. My daughter and I spent every Sunday at their beach house with them in 2007, loving every minute of it. I met a man in the fall of 2007, and have been  dating him almost a year now.

I have introduced him to my friends and family, they have welcomed him, however, he does not enjoy spending time at the beach, or holidays, get togethers with groups of my friends, and family. It has caused me to feel torn between being with him, and the friends and family that have been so important to us. I want to start a new life with him, but had hoped with time he would feel comfortable with and look forward to being with all of us. This has not happened, and it has caused hurt feelings. My friends do not understand, since they have been so welcoming. He feels that I am "trying to fit him into the space left by my husband." He feels the shadow of my husband's presence is always there.

I felt it was a deal breaker for me, and we broke up for a week. He is wonderful to me, and my 10 year old daughter. I am 55, and it has been difficult to find men interested in being involved with a young child. Most of them have raised their children, and do not want to do it again. He welcomes it, and enjoys it, and is wonderful with her. We are very happy when it is the 3 of us, but when the pressure to be in a group comes up it causes pressure on both of us. He is fine with my older kids and grandkids, but prefers our time alone together. My daughter and I missed him terribly during the week we were apart. We talked daily, and I have decided that we want to be together, hopefully forever, but that means that I will  have to accept going to friends without him, and possibly holidays as well. I am trying to accept this, and we will see how the holidays go.

Now I also have to convince my friends and family that this is not personal, and that is okay for him to be different, and for us to come without him.

Can any of you share with me how you have managed to blend previous friends with new loves? He has moved to CT from Pennsylvania, and does not have any close friends here, only a few "fishing buddies". He says he is a "private person", but he has shared his past with me. I could use some advice.




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