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Hard to believe it has been a year


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It is hard to see everyone enjoying a 3 day weekend, when to me it marks the aniversery of my life being turned upside down.  Everyone is looking forward to school starting agian and I just think she never made it to her first day last year instead she attended heave. It so is not far that my sweet little girl is gone. I think about all the fun times we had and how many we never will get to have. I look at my other children recovering from there injuries and wish they were all better. Then I think about the guy who hit us and how I want to talk to him. Then I think why.... He has taken the most presouis thing from me he does not deserve my time. I do forgive him for the accident. I know he did not set out to kill someone or hurt a whole family but I still don't want to see him. Is that wrong of me to feel that way. I am a christian and I know I need to do onto others as I would want done on to me. If I was in his shoes I would feel bad and want to talk to me. But everything I hear he has throwen his life away.

I miss my Jayme so much and it is hard to believe it has been a year. Do the aniversery dates get any easier? Someone tell me that they do, please!! This year has been the roughest and most changing in my life. I have turned into a bitter angry person and that is so not me. I do not want to feel this way forever.

forever loved by many but forgotten by few. We love and miss you Jayme 11/21/1997-9/4/2007

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I just want you to know I am thinking about you as the Heaven Date for Jayme comes close.  I passed my Joshua's 1 year date in July.  The days leading up to it were actually harder then the day.  Reliving all the memories and thoughts about what was going on last year at this time and what plans you and Jayme were excited about.  I can imagine even back to school shopping for your living children must be so hard this year.  It is hard to believe a whole year has passed and you are alive and living.  It still doesn't seem right that life goes on and that your life is going on without her.  I have struggle a few times even with saying I lost my oldest last July...oops not last July now.  Now I have to say July of '07.   I told my son Micah that last year I was so sad when school started without Josh because he should be there.  Now I have to be sad that I was so sad last year.  It is strange.   

I can't tell you how much easier things get because I am not there yet.  But I know that you have survived almost one year and you will be able to survive he next.  I love the song "Held" by Natalie Grant.  There is a verse...

"This hand is bitterness...we want to tast it, let the hatred ...numb our sorrows...

The wise hand ..opens slowly ..to Lilies of the Valley and ....tommorrow."

Slowly you will open up to let go of the bitterness and anger.  Let your mind and heart be filled with love for your daughter and hope for your future reunion.  We all slip back into anger and bitterness sometimes....but less and less often.  I believe that when you are able, you will be able to talk to this man and fully release your anger.  Pray that God will allow you to love this man with His love because you can not do it on your own.  No, the man does not deserve your time.  Neither do we derserve our Lords time my sister. 

 Cory Ten Boom thought she had forgiven the guards that abused her and many others in a Nazi Concentration camp.  One day as she was talking to a group about forgiveness...one of the guards came up to her and stuck out his had to shake her hand full of joy that she could forgive even him.  What did she do?  She froze.  Immediate anger and hatred filled her heart.  Facing him seemed unbearable.  She prayed and God opened her heart and allowed her to find compassion for this man.  To love him with God's love.  She shook his hand and released the unforgiveness she didn't even know she carried with her and was able to love this man with God's love. 

I hope these thoughts are encouraging for you and not hurtful.  I would never want to hurt you who have lost your beautiful daughter...same age as my Heavenly boy. 

May God's peace fill your heart this week as you remember and think about the horrible tragedy that took your baby from you.


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