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Never got to say goodbye or I'm sorry


mydoot

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Today is another hard day.  Mom died at the age of 55 unexpectly.  I don't know how to keep living.  I never got to say goodbye to her or tell her how sorry I was for not believing that she was sick.  For the last few years she has been pretty much bedridden and no one knew why.  The doctors thought it was depression or something and now she is dead...  They made us doubt that she was sick because they didn't find out what was causing her tiredness and pain.  Now even after she is dead they still don't know what happened or shy she died.  I fought with her SO MUCH, saying she didn't want to hang out with me or see my kids because she wouldn't get out of bed most of the time.  When in reality (now that I can see she was truly ill) that was ALL she wanted to do.  She wanted to be a part of my and my kids' lives and now she never will.  I never got to tell her I was sorry or say goodbye to her.  I hate myself everyday for the pain I caused her.  She must have felt so alone that I wouldn't believe that she was sick or comfort her.  No one did.  Now my best friend and the best mother in the world is gone.  Never will I get to tell her how incredibly sorry I am and how much I have always loved her.  I pray everyday that I can rewind the clock and relive the past few years...  If I could have one minute to say goodbye and tell her how sorry I am and how much I love her, then I could live again.  Now it is just pain I feel trying to make it through a day.  It's almost three months and not a day goes by without tears.  I miss her so much.  I miss talking to her a couple of times a day.  I miss seeing her once a week (sometimes more) I miss her so much...  I miss telling her goodnight and I love you every night.  How do people live after a sudden loss?  It's not fair...  Sorry for the rant.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel.  My Mother had a rare cancer and was given 6 more months, at every checkup for the last 7-1/2 years.  During all that time, she stayed in bed, depressed and sick.  I would get mad and tell her that she wasnt dead yet and she tried her best to believe me.  She would just sit there and take it and listen to my "pep talks".  I honestly believe it is the selfish child in us.  We are so used to having our Mothers there that we take it for granted. Kind of like having hair or legs.  One time (the last month or so) I broke down and told her I was in no way ready to be without my Mother and that she had just given up.  I had to leave that night because she couldnt handle it.  I feel like **** about that.  All I can say is hang in there.  I would like to recommed a couple of great reads.  They are by Dr. Michael Newton,"Destiny of souls" and "Journey of souls".  Read the reviews on amazon first, if you like.  I am reading the Destiny one now and there is a specific part about that in there.  I know how unbearable this feels. But for our Mothers, we have to go on.  Besides, look what they went through. 

If you read the books, let me know what you think :D

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I wanted to clarify on knowing EXACTLY how you feel.  I hate it when people say that to me, because they dont.  The main point I was trying to make to you is this... Even though my Mom was actually diagnosed, I was still in denial.  I expected her to keep fighting and get up out of bed and feel good. 

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I didn't get to say goodbye, either - it is such an unsetteling feeling. My mom died on 11/19/2006. She had been sick for a long time with Hep C, but was on a transplant list and was moving right along through the process of getting the liver transplant. I knew her illness was a serious one, but I always thought she would get the new liver and be like new. I now see that was wishful thinking, I guess.

Also, it upset me to see her look unwell,  so I avoided seeing her a lot, even though I spoke to her often. She always asked me to come play Scattagories with her. I never did. She lived 5 mins. away. I was so selfish. Sometimes I would get frusterated with her on the phone, too, because she would be confused or not understand what I was saying - this, I now know, was because the ammonia levels in her blood were so high it was making her that way.

On 10/31/06, she was hit by a car and pinned. Her 'friend' dropped my mom off at Walmart and saw a parking spot she wanted, went into reverse without looking, and hit her. That was the last day she walked - both of her knees were shattered and she was in extreme pain.

She went to a rehab facility and I expected her to recover there and come home in a few months. I didn't visit. Again, selfish. I called every day, though (how big of me, right?!?). She sounded like she was doing well, all things considered. She was very cheerful and upbeat. I had no idea she was about to die.

On 11/19, at about 1am my aunt, grandmother and stepfather were all contacted - evidently she had gone into a system failure and she was not going to make it. She had been transported to RI Hospital but her time was very limited. My aunt went and said goodbye, but my mom was unconcious. She died at 1:41 am. The decision was made by my family not to call me at this time. I guess that's ok, I am a 'freak out' type of person and I certainly would not have been strong enough to go and see her. At 9am my aunt and uncle came over and told me what had happened. I was in complete shock. I think I still am.

Her cause of death was listed as complications due to a drug induced lifestyle. That is so sad since she had been clean since 1990. Other than her being in extreme pain related to the accident, the medical examiner said that being hit by a car didn't pay a factor in her death. That's sad. I know it did.

A few things have made me feel better over time, although the pain is still very present.

1. On the day of her funeral (she was cremated) - I received a wooden cross - it was in two pieces that fit together. The were both engraved with "I'm only a memory away". This was the best thing I could have received at the time. Half of the cross stays with me (locked up in a fire proof safe), and the other half went in her niche with her ashes. This is very comforting for me.

2. She always sang "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey..." to me. I found an engraved garden stone with this on it and placed it in her floral area by her niche.

3. Every year, even before I was born, she wrote me a letter and put it away. I knew of them, but she didn't want to give them to me yet. I found them when she died. So far, I have read two of the twenty or so :-) They are in my safe, too.

4. Lastly, I found some old answering machine tapes. I was listening to them for kicks (they were from 8th grade) when there was a message from her "Hi Jay, it's mommy - love you!". Unbelievable.

Phew - that's it - sorry for the rant, I'm new here and it feels good to share things with people who may understand.

Be well,

JamieLynn

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