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Lost my mother July 4, 2008


kris05

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I lost my mom after a 6 year battle with cancer (breast cancer, bone cancer, and brain tumors) The brain tumors are what did it.  It KILLED me to see her lie there on her death bed. My sister and I were her care takers for the last two months of her life.  She was in vegitative state for about 2 weeks before her death. I kept praying...please put her out of her misery, please take her.  Now I feel bad for that. I'm so pissed all the time. All I want to do is cry, and I feel bad for the people around me. It's not their fault, but...well, they just don't understand.  People keep telling me it'll pass...it's part of the grieving process..blah...blah. I just want ONE MAJOR BREAKDOWN to make it all go away, but instead...i have 1,2,3...every day. Ha! then my mom's family..what a joke. They are so selfish...everything's about them. Is what I'm feeling normal??? Please help me out here! I just wanna...die. I won't do it, those are my thoughts right now.

 

KK

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Dear KK,

I feel the same way.  I don't want to keep on, but I have to for the rest of my family and children.  My Mom died unexpectedly on June 7.  I never got to make up with her for our fights or say goodbye.  I feel worse more days than I feel better.  Hugs to you.  No one understands what you are going through except someone who has been there.

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yes my mom had cancer as well and her tumors started in her lung, spread to the brain, bones and last abdomen. I was my moms caretaker as well, its very hard I know. I remember the last couple of days before she passed I really don't even thin k she knew who I was, I would help get her clean and change her and she would say I was a naughty boy. She would just lay in the hospice bed, and I would sometimes lay next to her, because I knew my time was limited and I wanted to get in as much hugs and cuddles as possible. I also wanted the misery to end I hated to see her living (if thats what you want to call it) like that she could barely say anything all her meds were in ligiud form because she did not know how to chew anymore. I hate I hate I hate it. I just don't like my life without her, she was the sunshine and without her everyday seems cloudy. I do know how you feel, being a caretaker is alot not only on you physically but its mentally draining as well because your working so hard but you know that Its not going to make them better, we were just trying to let them pass as peacefully as we can. my mom is from england so they were all over there when I was here in ny caring for her, they would come for a week or two and then go home I was responible, my father could not do it he's 68 and not in the best of health either and my mom did not want my brothers to be the ones that would help with the feeding, changing ect....... I don't think anyone in my family knows what It did to me all they ever saw was my mom all clean, changed, fed and full of her meds by the time they came over. What they don't know is how much it took to get her prepped for her visitors it was so hard I just knew what a toll it took on my mom. I don't know if this happened to you but my moms brain tumors made her scared of everything and anytime I changed her and had to move her she thought she was falling and she would scream , stacy no Hold me. I would have to say Its ok your not going to fall I've got you. I F**** broke my heart everytime. You are in my prayers sweetie, and I'm so sorry.

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Yes. That's one thing I remember...the fear in her eyes when we would change or move her.  She couldn't speak, and I don't think she knew what was going on.  She just looked terrified and she would scream.  Broke my heart.  The last two weeks were the worst.  My mom was always so happy, and even with cancer...always joking around.  To see her laying there with her eyes closed and an oxygen machine breathing for her...no words to describe that really.  Her family doesn't understand.  She has 9 brothers and sisters, and not one of them helped.  But when it came to the real decisions everyone wanted to get involved.  None of them have even called.  Oh well, who the F' needs them,  I guess. I know it's their sister, but SHE'S MY MOM!!!  We took care of her for 6 years, and they only came around when we opened their eyes and made them realize " HELLO? She's Dying!" I just wake up in a daze...sometimes, I really can't believe she's gone. Miss her soooo much.

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Today is another bad day.Sat.was the day my mom(best friend)died,and Saturdays were our favorite days to spend together-now I hate them!It's really starting to sink in that it's over-never will I get another phone call from her,never will I see her beautiful smile,never can I call her for advise-never again!!It will be 3months on Sept.7 and I feel that friends(and family)are getting sick of me feeling blah!when in reality I feel that my grief has just begun.The funny thing is,the only person who would understand my feelings and make me feel better,is my mom!I just wish I could talk to her,spend one more Sat.with her.It's driving me crazy!!

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I know exactly how you feel.  I feel like I want to die sometimes too.  And yes it probably is normal to not want to be living without your Mom.  Many people probably don't want to admit that they feel this way during the loss of a loved one but it's ok.  I lost my father this year on May 31 from a long battle with complications from an emergency colectomy.  I deeply miss my coverstations with him on the phone and feeling his tender hand on my shoulder.  I live in Chicago and he lived in Detroit with my mother (both wed for 38 years.)  Now I am getting married on Sept. 20 and it is just devastating that he won't be there to see this event that he really tried to make.

My Mother (God Bless her), the minister performing the service and others tell me that he (my Dad) wouldn't want me to grieve this much.  And it doesn't help.  We're not children anymore and our elders can't coddle us, tell us that things are going to be ok and that we can now breath a sigh of relief.

I think we are all in this together and we're all wet behind the ears.  None of us know what to expect, how to handle things, when things are going to get better. 

The important thing to realize is that You made it through it by yourself.  Only you have the ability to make things easier for yourself.  Try to keep your ears and eyes open.  Perhaps something someone says or does will resonate with you and make things easier.  I probably feel the worst I have felt in the 3 months since he passed but I am eagerly waiting for the time when I can relax and maybe return to being somewhat in tune with nature - When my heart will rest and when I can live for others.   This is all we have to look forward to.  It's difficult to even contemplate being "happy" at my wedding because I'm still overwhelmed by his passing.  But I have a little bit of faith that things will settle down and I can be there for my wife and mother and potential children. 

I don't think that even the most faithful are sure of what lies in store for us after we die.  Having faith in paradise is great but realizing the posibility of nothingness after death makes me think that if there is nothingness, I want to spend the now in happiness.

I dearly hope that you and I find that happiness sooner or later.  God Bless you.

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My mother gave my fiance her wedding and engagement ring several months before she passed.  Every time I look at it I remember her :) She wanted us to get married sooo bad, and we had everything planned.  Even at the hospital before we brought her home to her death bed, she said " why don't you get married now" It's just too bad that at that point she was in and out of it.  Sometimes didn't even know who I was.  It's killing me that she didn't get to see that.  I don't even want to have a ceremony anymore.  my mom and dad won't be there, so what's the point?  I feel bad for my fiance, but I just can't do it!  I know that seeing his entire family there will just make me cry.  My sister was murdered when I was 10, and my mother just passed.  My father's not around.  What's the point?  I KNOW I will be sad on the day that's SUPPOSED to be one of the happiest days of a girl's life.  Oh well.  We'll see what happens.  Only time will tell. 

One thing I HAVE realized is that my mother left me the gift of perspective.  I now know what truly matters in life.  I don't stress on the things that really aren't important.  Great gift.  I have to keep thinking that way.  It's really the only way I may get through this.

KK

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Reading through these posts and the ones on the other threads, makes me realize that what we are all feeling is so very normal to feel - lost, sad, angry, confused, lonely...and sometimes, not even feeling like you deserve to be alive after losing your parents. You don't want to celebrate without them; it makes you feel guilty in a way, because they are not with you to share it. Today, for instance, is my brother's birthday. I am glad he's still with us, but of course it's not at all the same without Mom here. This Friday will be my own birthday, and I know I do not feel like celebrating without Mom. Birthdays and weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, and we can't really enjoy them right now, because of our recent losses. We keep thinking that our lost parents should still be with us, to observe all these events just like normal. Of course, it's not going to feel "normal" for quite awhile, if ever, but maybe, just maybe, we can learn to accept these weird feelings as evidence that we still really love our parents, and that their love for us is living on in some format. Maybe that will comfort us, that presence of theirs, in spirit but not physically (as we'd like it to be).

I still miss my dad, my grandparents and great-grandparents, even though they died decades ago, but the loss of Mom is so recent (one month ago) that it really does overshadow all the other losses, because the pain is so fresh. The wound of losing her hasn't has the chance to heal. I pray that for me, and for all of us, the healing will come.

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