Stopping Life Support

[lauraa]

Hey everyone:

I would agree that we probally will never get to a place of total acceptance. I gave myself permission way back in the beginning to honor every feeling that I have and that means crying if I must and as often as I need to. I honor every feeling I have and whenever I have em'. No-one is walking in my shoes and my experiences and only I can truely take care of me.....I hate it all! The depression, saddness, lonliness, anger,,,,,all of it! I know in my heart I will never get over not having my husband. He was my life partner and my best friend in the whole world. How does one ever get over that and how can we ever replace them. It isn't possible. I will never be the same again. I guess that is the acceptace part....knowing it won't be.

You are all troopers and I am honored to have you all my friends. Your all so brave and give me so much on a daily basis. I know you can all understand what my heart is saying.

Blessings to you all.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, that was a big step for your shoes. You are. We can go philosophical for days, yet, when the tires hit the blacktop (besides making a squealie, smokie mess), we are the ones who have to chose for ourselves, is it easier for me because the pain got less, or did it get easier for me because I got stronger? Or, is it a little of both? Oh, I hate that MOR (middle of the road) situation. Sweet dreams. lotsa hugs. Me, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Laura, total acceptance, no. But, acceptance is a place of being able to say "I'm going to be okay, and I can live with this, even though my heart will forever feel this emptiness and ache." the feelings you said, funny that I know each one of them well, even though she's still alive, and sleeping in the next room. Of them all, we can face down, or medicate each, except loneliness. I find that I'm still lonely within the parameters of pregrief while I sit only inches from her. Why? Is it because I'm so scared of the day when I must say goodbye? Am I setting myself up for it? Strange things, our minds. Take gentle care of yourself. Spoil yourself. You're worth it. hugs, Me. Jenni's dad

[rodless]

Mark, where you are is one of the loneliest places I've ever been. And the answers to your questions "Is it because I'm so scared of the day when I must say goodbye? Am I setting myself up for it?" are yes and yes. You are in my prayers. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, merci beaucoup mon ami. Am I wrong to set myself up for such pain? After all, I'm only a passenger in this dance of life and death anyway. Often, I feel like I've lost all semblance of control, and it really doesn't feel bad. It's very comforting to know she is in control of her own day. This will happen all too soon for me anyway. I don't care if it happens a thousand years from now, it's too soon. But, life is this way. thank you for the support. hugs, Mark, Jenni's daddy

[rodless]

Mark, if I could remember more of my high school french, I would say you're welcome. I don't know if there's any right or wrong to how you deal with an upcoming death... maybe we let our minds take over because we're afraid our emotions can't handle it. I was like a robot the last days of Rod's life. I had nothing to offer anyone but him as I faced the void that would be there for me. I was lucky in some ways because we had time to talk about how much we loved each other etc. He helped me as much as he could. The night before he died I laid in the hospital bed with him and we cried together. He had some doubts and I reassured him that before he could blink his eyes after he got to heaven, I would be arriving at the same destination. It's life on earth that's slow and lonely. I pray for you daily as I do for all the others on this board. We are fortunate to have each other. Mary Jo

[alwaysmyjennifer]

MaryJo, for those who are in Heaven, the fear and pain are gone. It's all happiness and joy and beauty. We are the ones who face this life of tedium and sorrow. It drags on, but fortunately, you are soooooooooo right. We have each other. My wife went through experimental treatments for the dystrophy, hoping to prolong her life, and during the risky procedure, which could have taken her life, I found that my friends here were by my side all the while, willing to help anytime. In eternity, there is no time. Rest in this. Rod isn't held to time, so he can wait for you without worrying how long it takes his sweetie to pick out the perfect clothes to wear (hehehe). My prayers are with you, always. Hope you're getting rest. I'll sleep later this morning. Mark, Jenni's dad

[suelowe]

Mark, after scanning through a couple of messages, i spotted a reply you typed to Laura, and something caught my eye, something which gave me relief. You said "total acceptance, no. But acceptance is a place of being able to say 'I'm going to be ok, and i can live with this, even though my heart will forever feel this emptiness and ache". You, my friend, have hit the nail on the head, and i luv you for saying that. I salute you! This is one of those times when i just want to give you a big, big hug (((((((((Mark)))))))), cos i've been trying so damn hard to work out how i feel about acceptance. I'm still not sure i can live with it, but it's a little ray of hope when i do feel ok. Im not keen on the word acceptance, but i suppose that's it's a 'relieving way' of looking at acceptance.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Mark. You're a great friend.

Sue x Love to you and your wife.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I like hugs, so thanks. If something I say can help you along your way, my dear friend, I'm a happy traveller in this world. Luv ya too, my friend. This ian't a pleasant week for our family. My wife isn't at all well. The aides are noticing daily changes (downhill). I keep praying for my sweetie. She's more precious to me than every ounce of gold on earth. I'm a fortunate, lucky man to be married to her. My dear friend, may God give you peace and comfort, and at noon, a smile on my account. (((((hugs))))), Mark and my dear sweet wife

[suelowe]

Mark, i'm sorry to hear your wife isn't feeling well at the moment. I know it's not much from the other side of the globe, but i'm going to light a candle for both of you tonight. It won't take the illness away, but a little light of warmth, i'm hoping, will give you hope, or even comfort from your friend in Liverpool. i'm just getting my head around finishing my counselling, so i'm up the wall myself.

I'm thinking of both of you xx And thank you for your helpful words too x

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, thank you. Such a ray of warmth and kindness gives hope. Thank you, my dear friend. We hold you as our dear friend. Be patient and kind with yourself as you gain your perspective and gather a sense of peace about counselling. I'm praying for you. Here's a few of our big hugs for your cushion. luvs, me, Jenni's daddy

[suelowe]

Mark, you're very welcome. it helped me to feel better knowing i could do something from thousands of miles away, glad it helped you too. I had a couple of days of crying after my counselling. I didn't really know what to do/say/think/feel etc, so i just cried and relaxed. I see it as the letting go emotionally, as talking about things brought up lots of strong emotions, so it was the exiting of counselling and dealing with emotions, how i would cope and all that. So long as i deal with it bit by bit and not take stupidly huge chunks, then i can manage it better.

anyway love and best wishes to you and your wife, thanks for your hugs x im sending some to you too. ((((((((Mark and Mary)))))))))

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Little steps, Sue. Little steps. This is a long journey, like walking the Great Wall of China, and you have to take each step with care. When counseling ends, there is that time of "what just happened?". It's natural to feel a little off balance about being all on your own. Take your time, and be patient with yourself. We're always thinking of you, with lotsa (((((Hugs))))) for you and more for your cushions, just for when you need them. I'll write more later on. nap time. luvs, Mark and all my brood.

[suelowe]

I know, little steps. Sometimes i wanna take big steps! I think you've described it right when you said 'what just happened?' because i thought 'i'm definately not on this planet'. I would'nt say i'm all on my own cos i have people around me but i think the 'off balance' is a good way to describe how i feel. Great Wall of China? i'm walking the Great Wall of Something, i can tell you! i'll get there in time though......in small steps.

As always, you're full of wisdom and kinds words, thank you.

talk soon on the other side,

sue x

[suelowe]

Mark, are you Ok? I'm a bit worried about you. When you get the chance, can you let me know you're ok?

lotsa luv

sue

[4everjoeysmom]

I have noticed your absence from here too, Mark. When nothing more can be said or done in a moment, on my knees is always a good place to be. I have been praying for you... Love, Claudia

[jackiewitter]

Mark please know that all our prayers are with you and we are here when you need us. Peace and blessings. Jackie

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm here, back, and feeling a little more human. Long story. Last week was rough. We have to face the reality of our situation, and it's looking more like it's time to take the next step in care for my wife. The whole thing spiralled me, and I slept for a few days. Talk about a layabout!

Claudia, thank you for praying. This is where we find solace and strength (1Thes 5:17). Missionary, eh? someday, if you so wish, please email me and tell me more. My wife and I have devoted our lives to this. My work is in music - maybe not what most call Gospel, but it gets the message across. It sounds more like a lightly controlled raucous. Grandfathers ought not act this way, but while I may grow old, I'll never grow up.

Sue, don't worry too much. It's just been a lot of life's stresses all piled up at once. I had to take it pretty easy to avoid heart pain, epilepsy, and a few other ouchies. I don't deal with winter all that well. Is it June yet? hehehe. luv ya, my dear friend. here's a hug from my sweet wife and me.

Jackie, thank you for prayers, and that being there. These are the times when friends mean so very much. Mark

[suelowe]

Hey Mark, it's a relief to see you on back here. Like Claudia and Jackie, i've been praying for you too, sorry you've been through so much these past few weeks or so.

Anyhow i'll write to you on the other side,

love and hugs

sue x

[suelowe]

Hi Mark, it's been a busy couple of weeks for emotions and things hasn't it?? With all that i've said in the past 2 emails, i'm going to try and sum it up in one words.....Challenging. Would you agree to this? It's a challenge for you and your wife as a whole (mentally, emotionally and physically) and it's a challenge for me mentally and emotionally (maybe not so much physically) as i feel at this time i'm trying to find the right words to say without messing things up.

Since we've been writing Mark, i know that you're a really good person and friend, and you're going through a lot, like i am too. I hope that what i said in the email i sent you today (Thursday) makes some sort of sense. Like i said in that email it's at times like this when i struggle for the right words, but i get there in the end.

Let me know how you are in the next few days. I keep looking out the window because it's still snowing! i can't believe we got snow!

lotsa love and hugs to you and your wife...((((((Mark and Mary))))))) and may God give you both peace and strength to get throught this painful time. Be strong Mark, be strong. We're here for you!

Sue x

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, how's it all going on your end? Challenging, yes. I agree. There isn't much else I can say. To get there in the end shows that you, my friend, have resilience, strength, to carry yourself through this journey. I'm certain you'll get through to the end, and you'll shine like the stars. Take each day, each moment, and while you travel through each, please remember to take care of yourself, that very special young lady who has become our friend. You need to nurture yourself and care for yourself. My wife sends you a few of her (((((hugs))))), with her love, as do I. always here for ya. Jenni's daddy and my whole family.

[suelowe]

Hi Mark, i feel utter relief to find you here! Sorry, just, you know i'm a bit lost. i'm ok. just wanted to hear from you that's all. Thought i upset you, but it don't seem like it. I'm going through little bits at the moment, preparing for the Keane concert *faints*, then there's mother's anniversary and......things going on. Grief's making me hold onto thin air at the minute, i think i'm wanting people to say something, but not being sure what it is *shrugs*.

Again, glad to see you hear, hope you can write soooon on the other side. Lotsa love to you and your wife, and thank you both for your ((((((((hugs))))))), i'm sending some to you aswell ((((((M&M))))))

hugs and hugs (!)

sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm here Sue. Fighting off exhaustion, and trying to keep it all rolling, but I'm here. (smiles). Can't wait to hear about the Keane gig! You are going to take pics, aren't you? hehehe. Hold onto the moment of what is, for it's more difficult getting to the day than getting through the day. I've been there with Jenni. Maybe it's not as much that you want things said, as you'd like for that empty feeling in your soul to feel full of mum's personal touch again. I'm always here for you, even though it's a long distance. Thanks for those (((((hugs)))))! We've got more for (((You))). catch up with you soon, Jenni's daddy

[suelowe]

Hi Mark, thinking of you as you brave the exhaustion...it's March....i'm scared! (runs around in circles then crashes into wall). Is there aneeeee posseeble way i can bring her back?????? Any ideas, or suggestions for the impossible? I thought of building a ladder to go see my Dad in the sky soon after his death, but didn't get round to it....maybe i can do it to go see my Mum?

There's 3 days to go to the Keane gig!!!!! of course i'm gonna take photos! I'll dedicate the whole night to my mum, even the waiting bits...

Till next time, hugz ((((((Mark)))))

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, I know you're scared, but, don't run into that wall. I'll let you cry on my shoulder. Be patient with yourself, Sue. Here's a hug, and I'll be sure to listen to the song you asked me to play. Big hug for a dear friend, Me

[suelowe]

Hi Mark, tell you what, i'll run into that wall then cry on your shoulder.....thanks for your shoulder! I ain't got patience mark, that's the thing....it's normally between 13th March and 31st March, as my mind goes over the days when my mother got taken in. I waited for what seemed like eternity to see her the first day, the days inbetween (don't even go there), and the last day my world fell apart. Sounds about right don't it?

Oh well, time to rest....rest is good at times like this. Let me know what you think of that song....don't forget! Thanks

Big hug back...x

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hi Sue, it's nice to be back (oy, sick of being sick!). What's a friend for, if not for crying on? Those days, sounds exactly right. Now, please, my friend, get all the rest you need. Let your mind catch up with the flood of emotions running through it. I was trying to catch the song when my puter went AWOL. I'll try again today. Tell you tonight. Hugs, luvz, moi

[Guest Guest]

Hi

I'm not sure if anyone can help me with this. My Grandmother is dying. She fell over and fractured her hip the night before her 90th birthday, this was 2 weeks ago. She has suffered a stroke, brain bleed and has pnumonia and had been conscious for a few days only.The family has only just held a meeting yesterday where we were asked to choose between trying a feeding tube or letting nature take it's course, the medical staff seemed amazed that nan is still with us.My father and my uncle decided to deny the tube feeding as her body is shutting down and apparently this probably won't help her.As she is still hanging on i can't help but wonder is she waiting for us to do our part, (by feeding her)is she doing her best to stay here but her family is letting her down?

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation who can provide me with some answers. Thankyou

Sharyn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sharyn, I'm sorry your family is going through this sad and painful time. Words alone can often mean so little. However, please spend all the time you can with your grandmother. This is a treasured gift nobody can ever take from you. Even though her health is fading now, you can also talk to her. Tell her what's on your heart, even that you're scared. She may be afraid too, but her love for you is stronger than her fear. We're here for you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[sharyn]

Hi Mark

Thankyou for your reply.My Nan passed away on Saturday at 5am, I was in the room with her but not by her side. It is Tuesday here (Australia) and i have just arrived home from her funeral. I miss her so much, she is like a Mother to me,i grew up with her and Pop living next door to our family home. I am so glad i got to spend some time with her before she went. I will still question though, whether we did the right thing by declining the tube feeding. She lingered longer than what we were led to believe she would and i am left wondering was she waiting for us to do our part and feed her? I just hope she felt loved in her last days. Thankyou for your thoughts and prayers.

Sharyn

[mofirefly]

Sharyn - From reading your posts, I truly believe your Nan knew and felt the love around her. You have just now started the journey of recovery from a loss of someone you loved so very much. It will be a bumpy ride to say the least. I hope you eventually reach a place where you can leave your questions of what was done and replace them with all the memories of happier times. Take Care.

[michellemarie]

The situation I was in was to have my mom's pain managed as she wished. She was on 160 mg of morphine with vicodin in between. When mom died I felt I did all that she wanted. Afew months later I was talking to my ex-husband's wife and she asked how things went with my mom.

When I told her of the meds she told me that was how her kids killed their father. Needless to say I was speechless. Then I began to doubt my decision. I cried all the time thinking I killed my mom. Tru alot of comforting by my family; sisters included I know I did not.Sometimes people can be so thoughtless and not realize what they say.I will never tell my ex what his wife said and I pray to God she never has said that awful comment to her 3 kids.

Our loved ones know that we love them and do what we do because of that love. Ours is not a selfish love. Ours is giving them the peace and humility to die as peacefully as possible.

I know my mom thanks me for all I did for her in her care and decisions. She raised me to do whats right and I always respected my mom. Her name was Mary and I miss her everyday.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sharyn, please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss you feel. I'm sorry she's no longer with you here. I'll tell you my opinion about the issue you wrote. From all I've read, I'm sure she felt all of your love, from her whole family, through her journey across. Often, a person is more concerned with personal issues, such as being sure two people who had a disagreement work it out before passing over. Some want to know the younger of the children or grandchildren will be okay, and by hearing those comforting words, they are able to take their journey. Please now, give yourself some rest, as the feelings come flooding in faster than our minds can process them. By resting, you will be able to understand and sort through all the feelings and emotions. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, I'm always here for you, friend. Hope you're feeling better (smiling). Lotsa chicken (or tomato) soup, okay. tee hee. luv ya, Me

[suelowe]

Hi Mark, sorry not been on a while....this is 'the week', so er, i'm biding my time....that soup's a good idea too thanks for being there...

luv ya 2

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, my dear friend, I understand (aaaaaa-choooo). Has anyone seen Westminster Abbey? I think Sue sneezed it out of the county. hehehe. Just get some more rest, girl. I'm here for you, always. luv ya, with a very big hug, and maybe a bowl of Tomato soup (with basil and tarragon). Here's the remote for the tv and freebox, so lie still and rest. Enjoy the passing of the day. Hope and pray you get to feeling tiptop soon. luv ya, Me

[suelowe]

Mark, i think i've sneezed almost every building out of the county, never mind Westminster Abbey! Im not resting as much as i should...and i'm bored of soup (but thanks for your offer!) so i'm gonna have chocolate instead Three years ago tomorrow, my mother was moved from Intensive Care to a different ward, where she 'remained comfortable'. In other words, she was going to die. End of. I'm not going to face anything stressful until after Saturday, the anniversary. thanks for your thoughts and prayers x

hugz,

Sue

[4everjoeysmom]

CHOCOLATE IS GOOD! Sue, I am praying for you as tomorrow arrives. I'm sorry that it is so painful... Hugs, Claudia

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Not until, my dear Sue. It's those days approaching that add to the stress. Limit this as much as you can. Chocolate is a yummy treat and stress reliever. Chocolate has been found to be an emotional break from the stresses of life. So, go ahead. Rest in knowing we're praying for you, and we'll pray while you need us through your dear mum's special day. luv ya, Sue, Me and My sweetie

[suelowe]

It hurts......thank you both Claudia and Mark for your hugs and prayers....Saturday.....ugh....out comes the chocolate cake!!!

i got lots of tears...

Sue

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Sue, sometimes, while we dread our tears, we find they are healing. Rest as much as you need, so your emotions may heal. Our prayers are with you, with hugs, Us

[4everjoeysmom]

Mark, if you are here over the next day or two, please check your e-mail. Love, Claudia

[suelowe]

Mark, i hope you're ok, i understand you have a lot to deal with, so my prayers are with you, and i'm sorry for rambling on and on in my emails. Going through a lot myself, but learning to manage it ok.

May God bless you and your wife.

luv and hugs x

Sue

[4everjoeysmom]

Mark, I sent you another e-mail. Please let me know if you are not receiving. Praying for you and Mary... Love, Claudia

[suelowe]

Mark, i agree with Claudia, i hope you're ok, and we're all praying for you. Love and miss you on here! I'm sorry for being a pain in the butt aswell, as you know i had something through the post and i just wanted to talk.

But, this aside, i wish you peace, love, hope and guidance from our hearts and God, with whatever you're going through.

lotsa love,

Sue x

[alwaysmyjennifer]

aaaawwww! I love you ladies for your concern. Thank you. I've been quiet, in the middle of recording, and also trying to care for my honey. Our days can be great or very stressful or peaceful. The new aide staff is working well. Sue, here's that bunch of ((((((((((hugs)))))))))), child. love ya'! Claudia, thank you for writing, and for your continuous prayers. We lov e you, our dear sister in our Lord. My honey and I have such love for children and want to do what we can for them. She wanted to raise at least a dozen, but God had other plans. Now, we're in a good place to let her see if now is God's timing for her dream. I'm continuing to pray for you, our dreams, and for the children. Always about the kids. luvz and hugz, sis. Me, Jenni's dad

[suelowe]

Mark! i'm so glad you've been on here....love ya too! my bestest wishes and love to you and Mary, you and your gang are excellent people, you really are, and thank you for being there for me. xxx I'm really happy about the new aide staff is working well, very pleased about that.

Big, squishy hugs for you and Mary (((((((((((((Mark & Mary)))))))))))), luv ya both, and God is with you both all the time, remember that x

lotsa luv

Sue x

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Hey Sue, it's sooooo nice to hear from you (literally)! I'm just getting myself started for the day (at 2 pm) hehehe. We are always here for you, always praying for our dear friend. Thank you for the joy you've brought to our home. luv ya, us

[suelowe]

Mark! Sorry for not replying sooner, i'm really happy to be able to bring happiness to your home I'm amazed i can speak to you know, but i'm soooo happy to do so.

With lotsa love and hugs!

Sue

[mofirefly]

Hi Everyone - I need to ask a question and this seems the right place, so sorry to drop in unannounced. Just got a call from the wife of a dear friend telling us he was in an accident and is now on life support with no eveidence that he will survive. My question, that I wasn't able to ask her, is who makes the final call on when life support is to be removed - does the doctor suggest it to the family and then leave the final decision to them. I'm wanting to try to prepare her for what will come and at the same time try to prepare my husband for the loss of his lifelong friend. Any advice will be greatly appreciated - I also hope to get this website address to her in a couple of days. Thanks.