Dad died unexpectedly and I don't know how to deal

[tuxkeeper]

On Aug. 8, 2008, I went over to my dad's house to drop off my baby daughter.  It was a Friday evening and being that I work on Friday evenings, I always dropped her off over there around 4:30 or so for him to babysit.  He loved my daughter and was so good with her.  Anyway, I went over there and when I got there, my brother was leaving for work.  I talked to him for a minute and he said that Dad was sleeping.  I didn't find that too alarming because my dad was known to take naps in the afternoon.  So my brother left, and I took my daughter into the backyard to play for a little while.  I kept looking up into the kitchen window because I kept expecting to see Dad walking around in there.  I was thinking if he doesn't wake up in a few minutes, I'll have to wake him up because I was going to have to leave soon.  So I let my daughter play for a little while longer and then went into the house.  I put my daughter into her playpen and sat down to take a quick at that days newspaper.  I realized that the newspaper was nowhere to be seen.  That set off warning bells because that is usually the first thing my dad would do when he woke up in the morning.  He would bring the newspaper in and start his coffee.  To backtrack for just a minute, my brother works nights so he had been sleeping all day and when he woke up to get ready for work, he was in a hurry and hadn't even noticed that the paper was not brought inside.  Had he noticed that, he would have also been alarmed.  So anyway, after I realized that the newspaper was nowhere to be found, I went down to the newspaper delivery box under the mailbox and there sat his newspaper.  My heart dropped and I just moaned the words "Oh no".  I ran into the house and ran upstairs to Dad's room.  He was laying on his side in his bed and looked like he was sleeping.  The room was dim because the curtains were closed.  I said "Dad! Dad! Daaaad! Daaaaaaaddd!" and then I pounded on the door with my fist just to make a racket.  He never even moved and I ran out of the room in a panic.  I was shaking and my heart was racing and I couldn't even think straight.  The first thing I did was try to call my brother's cell phone.  He didn't answer, so I called my sister.  She answered and I was just like "I think Dad is dead!" and she was just like "What??! Oh, my God, did you call 911?" and I told her that I would hang up with her and call 911.  For some reason, my first instinct was to call my brother and then my sister.  I guess that maybe deep down I knew that Dad was beyond help.  So I called 911 and told them that I think my dad might have died.  After I hung up with the 911 dispatcher, I went back upstairs and turned his bedroom light on.  He looked like a wax figure.  There was no color in him and I basically lost it right there.  I ran downstairs and called my boyfriend in a panic and right then the EMTs showed up.  They went upstairs and confirmed what I already knew.  So much is a blur after that.  So many people were coming by to offer their sympathy and support.  The following days were filled with so much sadness and despair, but we had to keep it together to plan the visitation and funeral.  Now we are just trying to deal with the sorrow.  My dad was such a big part of my life, and of my brother and sisters lives.  He did so much for us.  He was such a generous, kind, caring, giving, simple man.  He loved us so much and he was our friend.  My mom died when she was 45 of cancer (I was 17) and that was hard, but we had Dad to fall back on when things got tough or when we were sad.  Now he's gone too.  I'm 32 years old and both my parents are gone.  They will never get to see my daughter grow up (she's only a year and a half old).  It was determined that my dad died of coronary artery disease.  He showed no signs at all of being sick.  The very day before he died, we went to the county fair with him and he was energetic and smiling.  He was only 61, and we had been trying to suggest to him that maybe he should go see a doctor for a physical exam, not because we thought there was something wrong with him, just because a 61 year old man should be checked out from time to time.  He always made excuses to put it off.  Now I wish we would have dragged him kicking and screaming.  He appeared to be in OK health.  He was a smoker, and I know that that contributed to what happened to him.  His diet wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either.  He probably wasn't as active as he could have been either.  He had retired in 2001 and really took to the rest and relaxation that retirement can bring.  That's not to say that he was a lazy bum, just that he did spend a lot of time just taking it easy.  Now I wish that he had been a little more active.  I think there might be some family history of heart problems on his side of the family, but it seems like it's one of those things that no one talks much about.  I wish he would have been able to catch this disease and nip it in the bud before it was too late.  I miss him so terribly.  He was such a good friend and such an important person in my life.  He gave us so much stability.  He was so dependable and giving.  He would extend his generousity to others too, not just his family.  He had such an offbeat and funny sense of humor.  He loved to have fun.  He loved traveling, he loved his cat, he loved studying maps and geograhpy, he loved watching baseball, and I think most of all, he loved us, his family.  We loved him back (we still do and always will!).  One minute I'm feeling like I can cope, then I'm a crying wreck.  My sister and brother are not doing much better.  I dread the days and weeks ahead.  I especially am dreading the upcoming holiday season, because he enjoyed it so much and he always made the holidays special.  I don't know what we are going to do.  I have been feeling so down the past 10 days, and finally I sought out some online grief support.  I found this website and I hope it helps, even just a little.

Thanks for listening.

[connorsmom]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad.  I lost my one and only parent on my birthday back in February.  It hurts just to write those words.

I can't imagine what you are going through finding your dad. ((hugs)) to you and your brother and sister. 

My son is also growing up only knowing his amazing grandmother for such a short time.  It hurts, it aches and it's awful.

My sister got engaged this weekend and my mother wasn't here to share it with.  It all just stinks.

You'll have days, moments that are awful.  Time will help to dull the bad memories and the good ones will start coming in.  Like you, I'm not a stranger to loss.  I'm so sorry about your mom too.

I hope that you're doing okay..............this board has some very kind people.  It's a good place to come and vent.

Jess

 

 

 

[stacyc]

oh god i know how you feel about the upcoming holiday I'm not looking foward to them either. after my moms passing in feb. alot has happended i turned 30 and ofcourse that had to fall on the same weekend as easter. my sister in law had a miscarriage and then and couple months later I had a miscarriage. its terrible, I wanted her to be here with me not only when it was a birthday or celebration but during the times when it gets tough. I wish I had her by my side to hold my hand and comfort me like she used to. I am sooo sorry about the passing of your dad he was just too young. My mom was only 60 and I feel like they still  had alot of life left to live. I'm sure you are having alot of mixed emotions right now, and its very raw still. I wish there were things that we could all say that can make you feel better. thats whats so hard about comforting people when they are mourning. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers (((hugs to you)))