Members teominator Posted August 15, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 15, 2008 Hi everyone, this is my first post here. I'm looking for something on the internet to help me get through these moments, because now, 6 months after mom passed away, i can't get over it.I comfort myself with the fact that she is around somewhere, and watching me, as she promised But i can't lose the image of the last hours and that feeling of being useless where i'm concerned and sad where my mom is concerned.I am an only child, and my mom raised me alone. So you can understand how close we've been. Not a single day of my life went by without me talking to her, at least on the phone when i was at college. She died of womb cancer, had surgeries and suffered for more than 3 years. I took care of her like no one did (funny how in a tough situation you find out who your true friends are, but that's another talk; probably that's why our bond was so much stronger lately).Not taking into consideration all the suffering and pain until the last day, i still can't get over what happened that one day. She couldn't breathe for 2 days and i wanted to put air in her lungs but i couldn't (she didn't want that device..). I couldn't get any sleep for the last few days. Because i had to change her clothes non-stop. That TORE ME APART, not just physically, i would have done 1000 times that effort to keep her. But the fact that she, my mother and the being who made me and shaped me, a doctor who saved so many lives herself now stood in a bed, in pain in a battle with only one end. Every breath was pain, agony; her poor soft hands hopelessly pierced by needles, her feet red from thrombophlebitis, her back in pain from months in bed.We are both Lord Of The Rings fans, and watched the scene when the people of Rohan came to Gondor's aid, screaming 'Death!'; the last time we saw that we knew what battle we had in front of us, which made it so much harder. I try to take comfort in this very thing, that some battles you have to fight no matter how hard they are. But she did it in the most possible way.I also have probably the strongest memory ever: one day, early in the morning, basically still night, i had to go catch the train to my university town - she insisted that i go (which makes her even more heroic). That wasn't the last time i saw her, but i bent by her bed, and she put her hand on my head, through my hair, and i memorized every bit of information about that touch thinking it will be the last. I'm a pretty huge guy, almost 2 meters, staying by my weakened mother, with her hand on my head looking down. I think i'm going to paint this some time, it's such a strong image in my mind. This shows me the huge power of love, victorious against the hardest struggles.I know she told me not to grieve after more than i should, i know she would want me to move on, and i have. It's just that i can't come to terms with these bombs exploding in my soul. She told me she lived her entire life for me. That was the last thing she told me as a goodbye. That hurts so much (i'm even crying as i write this) i can't stop thinking how hard it must have been for her to finally be at the end of her life and utter those words. I wouldn't wish my enemies what me and my mother went through. What can i do forget that pain..? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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