28 days since my mom went

[Dosh Garnett]

Hi, I originally posted a (very) long post in Coping with Terminal Illness however since that post, my mom passed away on December 14, 2013. 28 days agao. Not entirely unexpected as her doctor had told me that she would likely go before Christmas but when it actually happened, I was in complete disbelief. She lived in another town and I had just been to visit her two weeks previous. I think that she knew that she was going, she was scared to die and miss events in mine and my brother's life, she was only 68. We had a complicated relationship but the bottom line is that she loved both my brother and I with all her heart and wanted to do the best that she could. I was adopted at birth but I never felt that she loved me less. 

I am also the executor for her will and although she doesn't have much to divide, I still find that dealing with these details right now is very difficult. I have these moments where I just miss her but I know that I will be able to carry on and then other moment when I miss her so much and constantly wish for more that I literally feel as if I am going to explode with rage and despair. My partner has been good to me but he's feeling the strain and I know he's frustrated that he can't make it better or that one good cry won't make me better. My friends are trying to help but I know that they feel inadequate and I admit that I am still isolating myself somewhat from people. I keep up with my massage therapy, I am starting my counselling sessions again, working part time hours right now and generally taking as good care of myself as I'm able. But I still feel this feeling of "I want my mom" and I'm 41 years old. 

Today is not such a good day in some ways, I am releasing a lot, spending a lot of time on the internet looking up ways to cope with grief and listening over and over to a voicemail that my mom left me in the summer. Hearing her voice helps in some ways but it doesn't in others. Anyhow, I just wanted to vent a little and connect with others who might understand where I'm at. Today, I feel lost. Hopefully tomorrow is brighter. 

 

Dawn 

[Trish91]

Dear Dosh,

 

I am really sorry for the loss of your mom, and I am truly glad you´ve signed up to participate in this forum, where all of us belong to a club which nobody really wants to be part of, but which we all ultimately become part of, as nobody can scape death.

 

I completely understand what you are going through, given that my mom died of cancer very recently, and ever since she was diagnosed and after she passed my life´s become a real rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I really feel terrible, but I still cry every day, and often feel a sense of despair and even anger and frustration that I´d never really experienced before.

 

Like you, my husband has been very supportive, but both him and my friends ultimately do not know what to do or how to deal with my grief in the long term, given that there is nothing that can solve this situation, only temporary relief from the pain when one is able to have a good cry.

 

So, you are not alone, we all understand what you are experiencing and feel for you and ourselves, and ponder what our road will bring, as it seems like a really treacherous one and endless, this grieving process.

 

Nobody has a perfect relationship with their moms, although we love them deeply and they love us in the same way, we are all individuals and thus extremely complex and imperfect, but that doesn´t mean that the love we feel for our parents isn´t genuine, it just shows that we are human, that´s all.

 

I am sorry to ask you this though, you mentioned that your mom adopted you as a baby, so, with all due respect, do you have any contact with your biological parents? Did you ever feel like your mom was less of a mom because she did not give birth to you? I am really sorry to ask you such personal questions, but I have always wanted to adopt, and even more so now that I need to channel all the love that I felt and feel for my mom into something else; however, I would love to be able to understand a bit better from the perspective of the adoptive child, whether you ever felt like part of you was missing?

 

I am 100 percent sure that you mom adored you as if she had given birth to you, and even more so, as you were a true gift, I know that´s how I would feel as an adoptive parent, and I am also sure that you loved her and love her very much, regardless of not having been born from her, otherwise, you would not be grieving the way that you are.

 

I do hope that today is a much better day. Every day seems to be a struggle, but like you, I have better and worse days. However, there is always the certainty that my mom is no longer here, not physically, anyway, and that cannot be changed.

 

Wish you the best, and keep posting here whenever you feel like it, or reach out to the members of this forum, we are here to listen, not judge and try to help each other out through this nightmare that we have been made to face.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

[Dosh Garnett]

Dear Dosh,

 

I am really sorry for the loss of your mom, and I am truly glad you´ve signed up to participate in this forum, where all of us belong to a club which nobody really wants to be part of, but which we all ultimately become part of, as nobody can scape death.

 

I completely understand what you are going through, given that my mom died of cancer very recently, and ever since she was diagnosed and after she passed my life´s become a real rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I really feel terrible, but I still cry every day, and often feel a sense of despair and even anger and frustration that I´d never really experienced before.

 

Like you, my husband has been very supportive, but both him and my friends ultimately do not know what to do or how to deal with my grief in the long term, given that there is nothing that can solve this situation, only temporary relief from the pain when one is able to have a good cry.

 

So, you are not alone, we all understand what you are experiencing and feel for you and ourselves, and ponder what our road will bring, as it seems like a really treacherous one and endless, this grieving process.

 

Nobody has a perfect relationship with their moms, although we love them deeply and they love us in the same way, we are all individuals and thus extremely complex and imperfect, but that doesn´t mean that the love we feel for our parents isn´t genuine, it just shows that we are human, that´s all.

 

I am sorry to ask you this though, you mentioned that your mom adopted you as a baby, so, with all due respect, do you have any contact with your biological parents? Did you ever feel like your mom was less of a mom because she did not give birth to you? I am really sorry to ask you such personal questions, but I have always wanted to adopt, and even more so now that I need to channel all the love that I felt and feel for my mom into something else; however, I would love to be able to understand a bit better from the perspective of the adoptive child, whether you ever felt like part of you was missing?

 

I am 100 percent sure that you mom adored you as if she had given birth to you, and even more so, as you were a true gift, I know that´s how I would feel as an adoptive parent, and I am also sure that you loved her and love her very much, regardless of not having been born from her, otherwise, you would not be grieving the way that you are.

 

I do hope that today is a much better day. Every day seems to be a struggle, but like you, I have better and worse days. However, there is always the certainty that my mom is no longer here, not physically, anyway, and that cannot be changed.

 

Wish you the best, and keep posting here whenever you feel like it, or reach out to the members of this forum, we are here to listen, not judge and try to help each other out through this nightmare that we have been made to face.

 

Warm regards,

 

Trish

Hi Trish, 

 

Thanks for the quick reply. I also pass on my heartfelt condolences to you and send massive cyber hugs out. It's a difficult time for everyone on here, I can see that. It's funny how when tragedy strikes human beings we all reach out to one another like this. I, for one, am finding great comfort on here. I don't feel like such an alien in that others in my life cannot understand the depths of despair that you fall into. Like my heart is literally breaking in two. I want to shake my friends around me who are distancing themselves from their family for one reason or another and tell them to go hug their parents today or to just call them up to say "I love you" but I know that we all have our own roads to travel so I don't. 

 

The last two days I find myself going through photo albums looking for photos of my mom and I. She was the one who took a lot of pictures so she's not in a lot of them. I find myself wishing for the impossible that when I saw her last on December 1st that I had a picture taken. I honestly thought that I would see her one more time. The day that I left the town she was in to come back to mine, she got herself up into her wheelchair, had the nurse help her get all dressed up and was up and about when I left. Now, looking back, I can see that she didn't want me to worry but I think that she knew it was coming soon. Anyhow, a good last memory to have but still very sad. I also wish that I had gone to see her as soon as I heard she was declining but, again, I thought that she was just having a bad spell not reaching the end. Nothing I can do to change this, I know, but it haunts me (and, I'm sure, my brother). 

 

I do know my biological mother but she won't give me information about my biological father. We had a bit of a falling out years ago after getting in touch. Ironically, both my bio mother and adopted mother had alcohol issues but somehow my mom's (who passed) issues were something that I faced and dealt with where my bio mother, not so much. She was verbally abusive on the phone one Christmas and I realized that she was a very damaged and hurting individual and our relationship couldn't go much further so I terminated contact. We are back in tentative contact so hopefully it goes better this time. She has not been well from what I understand from my birth aunt (who I am in regular contact wtih and have a good relationship with). To answer your question, my parents who adopted to me are 100% my parents. They were the ones who raised me, took me to school, took me to the hospital for stitches/broke bones, held me when someone was mean to me at school, when a boy broke up with me, when I fought with my best friend, they were there when I performed in my first school musical, won my first penmanship award, acted in school plays, got my first job... You get the idea. I feel for my birth mother but more like I feel empathy for strangers. I am appreciative of what she did by giving me up because I know at the time it was maybe for the best and I don't hold a grudge. It's just that I sort of feel when she gave me away to other people, she also gave away her right to claim me and have me accept her unconditionally. My parents made lots of mistakes as they are human beings with their own wishes, disappointments and so on but I still love them unconditionally. 

 

Thanks so much Trish for the reply and warm words. Every little bit counts, I am finding. I am thinking about writing an open blog about grieving and how people around you can help and so on. I might post here if I do that. Hope your day is going as well as can be expected. Let's think about our moms up there looking down on us, smiling with pride and pleased that we have found others to help us through these hard times. 

 

Dawn