Lost my man just before xmas

[miekevson]

I'm not sure what to write initially. I've been trying to deal with the fact that my boyfriend died this past xmas. I've been on sites talking with people but you always get the same answers to just get over it. I know I have to get over it but I'm not sure how and they forget its only been 2.5 weeks.

I don't really have the luxury to sit around but can't seem to get to work. I run my own business online which is a treasure right now cuz I can work whenever I want but I find myself just staring around. I had a plumbing problem just 2 days ago. We used to go out together and get it fixed. I went to the garage and before I got to the tool box I wasn't able to make out a screwdriver from a hammer, i teared up. I just can't rummage through his stuff.

I've been writing on FB but although people are very nice, I know they are not looking to hear from me again and again... I'm 32 years old. He was 52 and my soulmate... we did EVERYTHING together for the past 9 years. And with everything, I mean everything. He couldn't work so, I worked at home, so basically we we're always together every single minute of the day. It's so empty and quiet. My sister lives with me but it's just not the same. I think I could have a house full of people now and still feel the loneliest ever.

 

Here's what happened: ( I had written this last week but it's exactly as it went.)

 

Saturday December 21, 2013 - 6PM Saskia had just made some chicken fingers and jalapeno poppers. I tried to give you something to eat but you weren't hungry. I wiped your face and gave you a towel underneath your head because you seemed a bit hot and sweaty... I went and got the fan, you always wanted the fan when you got hot, even though you didn't tell me you needed it this time I thought it may help... It seemed to help you be more comfortable.

Earlier today I had asked you if you wanted to lay in our bed instead of that uncomfortable hospital bed. You nodded yes so I moved you over next to me.

I was working on the computer right beside you in the bed. I had just finished my website enough to be able to go launch it. I wanted to show you but you were still sleeping. You seemed a bit drowsy but they had changed your medications so I didn't think anything of it. I told you I would tell hospice on Monday that the pills were making you TOO drowsy. You didn't respond.

10PM - You started making some moaning sounds. I wasn't sure what was wrong. I struck your hair and told you it's okay. I gave you another regular pain pill. You were holding your head, I thought you had a headache, though you didn't say a thing, I knew your signs... You swallowed it with some peach juice...

I told you it was almost Christmas, I had a special day planned for us. (thinking to myself, this could be our last Christmas together) Just go to sleep honey, you'll feel better in the morning.

You moaned a few more times. I took your hand and told you to go back to sleep, that the pills would work shortly... I looked at you and you had a scared look in your eyes with some tears. I got worried. I noticed you started spitting up more which was kind of scary but I just had given you a sip to drink. You never did swallow it entirely so I took the sheet underneath you and pulled you on your side...

It ran out and you seemed al-right until I seen your tongue. I knew something was terrible wrong. I told you to hold on tight, so I could go and call the hospice nurse on call. They told me the nurse on call would call me back soon. She did about 10 minutes later, I told her she best come over, things aren't right...

In the mean time I had put your oxygen machine on you and had gotten a cold wet towel to put on your head. I told you it's okay, pleas hold on honey, the nurse is coming. I petted your leg and sat by you for a moment. I wiped your face a little more and tried to get a response out of you. I held your head, I moved your hands, I knew deep down that this was very wrong.

I seen your belly move for just 3 or 4 more times and then... it just stopped. I listened to your heart, it was sounding as if you would hold a sea shell against your ear, rushing but no beating... I got scared, I kept calling your name, telling you to hold on, the nurse is coming, Honey. Please, wake up!!!

You were gone before the nurse even stepped into her car. It all went so quickly. 10:30PM you took your last breath, exactly one week ago...

[miekevson]

I held your hand when u took your last breath, I miss you so very much but I thank God to know you don't have to hurt no more...

My heart broke into a million pieces that day. It takes time to pick up all the pieces but I'll always have a piece missing because you took it with you when you went away

u taught me how to be strong to always hold on and 2 cherish those happy memories as long as i shall live, the one thing u never taught me was to live without u ...

[miekevson]

Sorry, I just copy/paste my thoughts here from what I've written:

 

Just got home from the funeral home, got them paid. Social worker from Hospice just left, he said that the cremation has been done. You'd think someone would let you know other than telling me by accident... argh. I need to quite thinking about the way they did this cuz it's making me mad and sad.

I don't want to ruin his peace with that but it was just as if they were selling me a car. Hospice has been awesome to me, Duke died in so much peace, everything was, for lack of better words, perfect the way it went and than you get the funeral home to treat you like someone who just needs a damn car.... oh well... let it go, let it go... Mieke, let it go!!!

Talked to his cousin up in Indiana, he's going to help me figure out how to get this all paid. He says there are institutions that may be able to help me with it. We'll see, if not, we'll just pay on it for a while. I don't want to do that too long though cuz it will remind me about that day every time when you see that bill coming in.

I told the social worker to get this stuff out of my house as well. They should have picked it up already. I woke up this morning looking at this empty, cold bed, it was awful. His wheelchair, that big lift in the middle of the room, all these oxygen tanks. I just want his stuff that I want to remind him by, not his sickness and the tools I needed to care for him the best I could. I know it's almost Christmas so they're all getting ready for that but life AND death goes on no matter what holiday you run into...

What was sweet is that by next year November they're going to hold a memorial service in a Catholic church in Cordele, GA with candle light and everything. Duke didn't want no fuss with his funeral/cremation. "Just get it done and over with" he always said and "take me to the river...just me and you", is what he said.

So, there isn't anything I'm going to be doing as far as services. Just take him to a nice spot, in his VAN, with his dog and play some of his songs while we do it... it will be our own private service and place for me to go back to and fish, just the way you liked it. But for me, that memorial is actually really cool. It would be nice to have one now already.

His wishes now mean more to me than what I need though. I promised him with all my heart and soul that I would do it just the way he wanted it. He knew he could count on that and nobody would stand in between those plans because I would make sure of that. That's just the way it's going to be, my love. No more, no less.

You will be free again in a few days. You will float on the water. The water you loved so much, the water you grew up with, the water you spend most of your life at fishing with me, you will be there in just a few more days. I promise you my dear.

God I miss you so much already... I don't know what to do with myself. It's so quiet, so still, nobody to bug me to go do something for. No one to get me off my work 50 times an hour for a drink or to light a cigarette. To pick up something you dropped, to help you sit up, to help you lay down. To get you out of the bed, no one to tell me to get some food cuz you're hungry, or thirsty. No one to watch TV with or to hear you say why I'm not watching cuz I"m on this darn computer again, no one to fish with, no one to go for a ride with, no one to sit on the porch with and look at wildlife and spend time outdoors. No one to wake me up in the middle of the night cuz you're watching TV again. No one to hug me, to kiss me, to sit by, to lay with. It's just empty and cold. I miss you so much. You were, you ARE my man, my soul-mate, my buddy, my boyfriend, my rock.

I'm happy you're in peace, the past years have been hell for you, so sick, so much pain, so much grief. but I knew you still had plans, you still wanted to travel, you wanted to see us get that log cabin with that pond, we've never even fished together in Georgia yet. Whos' going to take me out to fish now, tell me where to go, whose going to pick the spots that are best to fish, who's going to watch me fillet them fish and teach me how to do it all. I miss you honey. I need you.

No one to play our favorite music with, no one to sit and play guitar with, I will never hear your beautiful voice anymore, no one to hold me tight and sing into my ear while you rocked me to sleep, no one to watch football with, no one to sit around the bonfire with and eat hotdogs. no one to help me fix the car and teach me how to do it, no one to help me put up our tomato plants you loved so much. To help me fix the dog kennel, no one to go mushroom hunting with, no one to just drive the country roads with, no one to help me find pretty spots to sit and enjoy life and nature with.

No one to watch westerns with, we were going to watch those John Wayne movies this Christmas, it was the day of "The Duke".

No one to spend my life with anymore. I keep you close to my heart my love. You're my man... you'll always be in my heart, I'll never forget everything you've done for me.

The nice breakfasts you've cooked for me, the hamburgers you cooked me at 3am cuz YOU were hungry, the many things you've taught me about this country and the way of living, protecting me from bad people trying to run me over and treat me bad or use me, we had something special, something no one can take away from me, we were equals and we had the same hobbies, the same taste in everything from food to decorating the house to buying a car and the place we wanted to have to spend our life's together. No one is going to take that away from me my dear. I'll carry you with me for the rest of my life and will meet you again when my time comes.

You spend some time with my daddy, you can watch them westerns with him now, you can fiddle with your knifes, listen to country music with him cuz the two of you had the same hobbies, you guys would have had fun, you never got to meet him and do these things together.

You always wanted to ask my dad if it was okay for you to marry me. You never got the chance but you can do it now my love cuz I'm still your wife even if it wasn't on paper, we were married for life.

Watch over me and my sister. Keep an eye on my brother, my baby sister and my mom. We'll meet again I promise I'll be there.

[frankly]

I'm sorry Miekevson.  I too spent all of my time with Jerry.  My home is both a blessing and a curse.  I have found that writing helps me.  I just need to share it.  I do still post it on my FB.  I post to him on his too.  I don't really care who likes it or doesn't.  It is for him and me. Me really.  I'm doing what ever I have to do that even helps a little bit.  Just trying to survive.

 

Hugs to you.