Helping a friend

[phemp1]

I am writing this because I would like some in-put on how to help my very good friend. She lost her 16yr. old son in an accident on 6-2-08. He was the passenger and the driver was ejected but lived. Her son was wearing his seatbelt. I hurt for her so much:(. Our boys have grown up together since kindergarten. I don't know what to say to her when we are together. I don't know if I should just make small talk or bring up Evan and talk about him. When I have brought up her son she will start crying and  then I feel I just send her back steps because she tries to hide behind small talk. She won't show her pain in front of no-one. I see her slipping into a severe deppression but if you say anything about talking to someone then she won't talk to you and say yea maybe I need to. She has said if know one is around she just curls up into a fetal position and wants to shut out the world. What can I do or say to help her thru this. I know it will never go away and I know time will make it easier to cope with life. But please help guide me thru this process and then maybe I will know what to do and say to her. Thanks for any help and gudence.:?

[noname100]

It is wonderful that you are concerned enough about your friend to try to understand what she is feeling and how to help her. 

I lost my 23 year old daughter Erin on Nov. 24, 2005.  Since then, I have gone to counselling.  I quit that because I was tired of talking to a person who only cared about me because I was paying her.  That is my spin on it, maybe she really did care, I don't know.  I have pushed most of my friends away, because I am sure they are tired of my grief and tears, and don't know what to do with me any more. 

If I were to give you any advice, it would be don't quit caring.  Just be there. Contact her at least once a week or so.  Mention her son's name and talk about memories.  I love it when people remember my daughter.  It makes me cry, yes, but one of the great fears I have is that my beloved daughter will be forgotten. 

Check to see if there is a chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area.  If and when she is ready to attend a meeting, go with her.  It may or may not be something that would be valuable to her and help her heal.  It seems as though being with people who are going through what you are going through helps.  I have recently joined a grief group at a local church which seems to be good.  Something you should know if you do go is that she will probably feel much worse after the meetings, and it is really hard to go, but I believe it will help, and with you there to support her, it will make it better.

Bless you for caring.