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Just lonely:-(


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Trying to fill a void...as of now impossibble! I was wife, mother, now widow! Time moves slow some days..those are the hardest! My movie companion now in heaven! U think I'd get some sort of sign since we did everything together ..and he dosent see me where he is. You think he'd be reaching out to me. Everything is in its place still, however I have moved stuff out of the closet but now its in drawers..His colonge, razor, bodywash are still out! It will be two years on May 11th, but I feel like have been going through this for years...

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I found 'signs' in the most tenuous of places. Things which would mean nothing to many but something to me. I'm not even sure I've seen the signs or if they are just my mind looking for logic in the mists of noise.


We used to watch "crap on TV" together ... Anita loved it. Fringe was one of our things, since I put on old eps (more than a year after) I am seeing things in them which seem to reach out and touch me.


I wrote on my blog about it: http://cjeastwd.blogspot.fi/2014/01/guided-contemplation-and-tv.html


an excerpt

A verse of the bible came up soon and it was "Nisi credideritis, non intelligetis", which I have verified as meaning something like "Unless you will have believed you will not understand" (attributed to St Augustine) I've also seen this translated as "Unless your faith is firm, I cannot make you stand firm"

Oh my ... this answered nothing but forced open my mind again to the question. How do I know that what I believe is right? Without proof how do I know that what I believe is not just the propaganda of men who seek power?

This is a question which I have asked myself many times over. I feel that I have some answers to that but they are difficult to enumerate clearly.

In an aside Walter says to Oliva (when she is doubting herself):

"I know what it is like to feel unequal to the task required of you, to feel incapable. I'll never be the man I was [

plot note: someone had removed parts of his brain to prevent him thinking certain things

], but I've come to embrace those parts of my mind that are peculiar, broken. I understand now that's what makes my mind special. You should see yourself the way I see you. You have no idea how extraordinary you are."

Olivia replies:

I know you want to believe in me, I want to believe in me. But Believing does not make it true.

Ohh, how this felt like conversations I'd had with Anita and conversations I've recently had with myself. Perhaps Believing does not make it true, but if something is true but unseen, then the faith needed to guide you is only had by Believing. Which sits me right in front of St Augustine again.

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I have and still am seeing signs myself. The biggest and first sign I saw was a big unknown creature. like a squirrel but different running through my yard. Me and him would watch birds and squirrels. I'd take picture and he knew every time I could, I'd be looking out of the window. I've never seen this animal before. It was about 2 days after he died and I was looking out of that window. I had a bad day, the funeral home was not treating me right and I was cussing up a storm, asking him to help me... why did you leave me... I looked out of that window and there it was... this big big squirrel like animal. it ran by the window. sat on the tree stump I left food every so often. He sat up straight. I ran for my camera and took a picture of it... He than left that tree and ran down the side of the house... I opened the front door to see where he went and he left the same way my boyfriend would always enter the property.. (which is not the right way. hihi)  I was glued to that window for days. I went back to bed a few times but gotten up maybe 50 times an hour in the hope of seeing that animal again... I haven't seen it since. I asked my neighbors and they said they'd never seen in it in their yard and they have plenty of wildlife there.


Call me crazy but to this was a sign.


The second sign was when I went to pick up his ashes. I drove home and first of all, that same type of squirrel ran over the road. I almost hit it, I hit the brakes doing around it. Wow, twice in 1 week.... But the more obvious sign was this dog... I didn't know it was a dog at first thoug. something past the high way, didn't know what it was but it hit my eye... When I past the yard at the spot I seen the animal there was this big yellow lab... My boyfriend used to have a dog like that and he loved it more than life itself... This dog stood there looking at me and it was as if it was smiling, wagging it's tail, just staring me straight in the eye.


I get goosebumps just thinking about it. I don't know, I'm sure I'm just wanting to see these things and I'm glad there are more that see signs cuz I'm afraid to even tell anybody... To me, these 2 days were comforting. I knew he was happy and made it to the other side. Other days I just tell myself it was nothing and beg for him to give me a sign again. I think he did though...

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