Complicated Grief

[Guest Guest]

Well, I thought that I had a 'name' other than guest. I do not want to confuse anyone about me and the previously posted "Guest". I wanted to use the name "Sun Biter". So feel free to address me as such.

To "guest" and all others. The hate will eat you from within. Hate is allowing that other person to hold your soul hostage.

Perhaps this may help. We all want to be liked. We all want to be heros and "the good person". Nobody choses the other ways. They are driven to it. By their own emotional chaos, mental health (or lack thereof)and that peculiar way of viewing the world. I am going back to see my father in a couple of days. He is dying and I hope he can remain coherent long enough for me to see him and have him recognize me. He was an angry man. His typical way of dealing with me and my sibilings was being disgusted with us. Although there were a few times where his anger took a physical form. His anger was his demon. And he and my mother fought alot for she was not a happy person. But even when I was young and certainly as I got older and heard (or pieced together) their stories when they were young, I had come to understand that they were driven by demons they did not chose. I am a man. I am now fifty one. (Now THAT is hard to imagine)and I still have the effects of extended stress from my early years. So I realize that even though I intellectually understand the reasons and I believe emotionally I have accepted it all, my body still suffers the reactions of stress.

If someone that suffers O.C.D. with a simple thing of continual hand washing that they cannot control, imagine the overwhelming handicap of what your parents or sibilings or any other tormentor in your life suffers? We have to be able to forgive others to forgive us our own shortcomings. And we have to forgive our selves so that we can forgive others. I am going to see my father as he dies. And I am going to cry because I love him and am sorry for his pain. Peace be to you.

[sweetpea1995]

My sister, Allison, died 11/22/04 from a fatal arrythmia, caused by complications of Noonan Syndrome, a genetic disorder. I have a hard time dealing with this because my mom has a chemical inbalance in her brain that I have also inherited which means that both of us could be on anti-depressants for a very long time. I also have an Anxiety Disorder, which makes it hard to see things as they are without them getting twisted and distorted. My grandmother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and has been trying to make my family's life a living hell for as long as anyone can remember. My mom doesn't show any of her emotions on her face because my grandmother would use those emotions against her when she was a child. Growing up and seeing my mom do this, naturally I copied her, and I have a hard time letting others know how I feel. I learned that you're not supposed to show emotions, that you should hide them, because that's what Mom always did, but now I know that isn't right. It's hard to shake off that mind-set, though. I'm also so incredibly angry at my grandmother because when Allison suddenly passed, she dissappeared. She knew she couldn't turn the focus onto herself and just chose not to talk to any of us. It was hard for me to see my Mom, grieving over her child, and trying to comfort me, and to wonder... where was her mom? Mothers are supposed to be supporting, and I know that's not always true, but I can't believe that a mother would desert her child right when she needeed a mother most. I'm only 14, and I don't want to deal with all this, but I don't have a say in the matter. I just want to be able to live my life as normally as possible, but that's hard when I can't be in large crowds for very long (I get panic attacks frequently, especially when too many people are present), and I literally have to take mental health days where I just can't go anywhere because my brain decides it wants to turn into what I like to refer to as grape Jell-o, and just sit there, not doing anything except growing mold.

[sunbiter]

Sweetpea...,

Take as many 'mental health days' as you need. And I believe a big challenge for you will be creating a life with minimal stress. I believe that when someone is brought up in any particular environment, they re-create that same environment as they get older because it is what is familiar. It is what the world is 'suppose to be' because that is what [they] know. And stress continues to eat at you through the years. And sometimes you don't even know that it can be different.

You will need to define a type of life that is healthy, document it and then try to live to it's profile as best as you can.

If you are destined to continue anti-depressants, do not view it with despair. There are those that will have to live with insulin injections for the rest of their lives, there are those that have to live with constant physical pain. The need for any medication is not a thing of shame. Be happy and relieved that there is something that works for you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You need to have your childhood and perhaps you will still find joy in childlike things before adulthood is upon you. Remember that the most important thing in the world is that the sun comes up tomorrow and you are there to see it.

Seek out help. There is a treatment called "eye desenstitization recognition" or EDR. It is a simple program that seems to be having great results. It's been used for all sorts of traumas and for positive reinforcement. I was introduced to it by a family therapist. Claims are that is has had the best results yet for veterans of war.

Best of luck to you and remember that there are many good things left to see in live.

[joy2006]

I learned quickly on that I could not cope with my loss and the outsiders negativety to what I was going thru. I took off of work 6 days when my childrens father passed away. 3 days after returning to the job I loved I walked out because my boss said my job was in jeopardy because I didn't need to miss that much work. My children was more important to me than my boss. Every body thought I was really going crazy then. God saw favor in me standing up to my boss and when I received my first social security checks for my children it was the exact dollar amount of my take home pay and my child support. It is so important to take care of yourself.

[mineralla]

3 days after returning to the job I loved I walked out because my boss said my job was in jeopardy because I didn't need to miss that much work. God saw favor in me standing up to my boss

Congratulations for standing up for yourself when I know your knees were buckling from the pressure of protecting your children from their grief, and trying to put in place your own method of handling your own loss. Rather than meekly and passively accepting an uncaring and humanity-lacking business situation, you had the courage and the faith to walk out.

You are an inspiration in faith and reassurance. I hope you and your family are continually blessed and encouraged. Best wishes.

[joy2006]

Thanks so much for the kind words. Sometimes I regret quiting my job when I think of how quickly I could have gotten out of debt. But I know this time with my children is what is best. We just went to Florida for Spring Break and had a good time. I am disappointed that my daughter 22 left early because she went out drinking and was terribly sick. I tried to tell her she was just having a hang over but the next day she left. It is so hard for me to see her suffer. She never was much for alcohol until Daddy died. I thought his death would turn my children from alcohol but it hasn't. I am scared today for what lies ahead especially for her if she doesn't quit.She knows the dangers. I am angry at him. She told him if he died she would blame herself. I asked her to see a grief counselor but I don't think she will. I prayed so much that he would quit and he didn't and it killed him.

[jlowe215]

My Story

This is a story about events which made drastic impacts during my early years. The shock waves can still be felt today. Yes I know you're thinking: Oh no, not another life story. My life has been somewhat unusual, not so very dramatic, but enough to wish I had a different childhood. During elementary school, so many kids had normal parents and normal lives. Not a day goes by that I do not notice how so many people around me have no idea what they should be grateful for. My name is Jennifer and I was born in 1979 to Linda and Dallas Lowe in Houston, Texas. My parents married in 1978 and a year later I came along. My brother was born almost 2 years later. By summer of 1983 my parents were dead.

From even childhood my father was a weak person. His father, Grandpa Lowe, was a hard and strict man with his own childhood horrors. My father had one brother and three sisters. Most of whom were beaten by my grandfather. Dallas was protected by my grandmother. He was her favorite. Whenever life called for hard times, emotional or physical, my father would claim 'sick'. Weak heart. There was no doubt he had a moody personality and was prone to depression. In spite of that, he was not a bad guy. And from what I am told, apparently a romantic person.

My mother was a twin. She and her sister Mary have an older brother named Terry. They were born to parents who in most aspects lived the American Dream. My grandfather is a extremely hard working man, now 87 years old, and is just now starting to slow down in life. He came from a formally wealthy family. The 1910 Galveston hurricane took the family fortune, but they stayed steady during the depression. It was that experience that drove Grandpa Armstrong to be a hard worker. My grandma comes from good stock and was a good mother. However perfect they seem to be on the outside, they are very old fashioned. No, that's not always a good thing, but when a child is repressed too much, you risk rebellion. One must change with the times and not cling to old ways best forgotten.

My mother wanted out of the house desperately when she was 17. She lived with friends, got a job and lived the single care-free life until she married my father when she was 19. They grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same school together. Dallas and Linda's brother Terry were best friends. My mother's parents were against it from day one. They didn't approve, but my mother didn't care. Linda's parents still gave her the huge church wedding with the white dress and everything. Both families were in attendance and it was a happy gathering.

So here I come along a year later. During the time after my birth and before my brother's, I am not sure if my mother worked or not. No one really talks about it, and if they do, I don't know whether to believe what they say. Depending on what side of the family I ask will depend on the answer. So I figure my guess is as good as what any of them will tell me. My father worked off and on. In the beginning, they lived with their parents for a time before setting out on their own. I think they got an apartment around the time of Dallas Jr's birth. But things had not been good for a while. My father was a lazy person. He only worked now and again. People would get him a job, and then he just wouldn't go. My mother went to work. I don't know how many jobs she worked before she found one that worked well for her. It was in an office making $8 an hour. Now that was damn good money for a 22 year old woman in 1982 with no high school diploma or experience. Her bosses loved her and she was promoted quickly. The pay was good enough to support her family of four.

Now my most of my family will not freely talk about my parents, but everyone who has ever met my mother, teachers, distant cousins, everyone said she was the most sweetest person they had ever known. She was pretty, but not extraordinarily so. She was never seen angry or depressed, but seemed to not let anything bother her and was seen as a free soul. My parents were in love with each other, but my father was not a strong person, and had grown up needing a crutch. He depended on my mother to keep their family going. She worked, kept the house and raised her children. My dad didn't do much of anything. My mom grew tired of it and demanded he get a job and take care of his responsibilities. Instead of looking for an honest job, he was always trying 'get rich quick' schemes. Eventually my mother had enough and left him.

My father was a mess. He was depressed and would follow her around pleading, crying and making a scene. She wanted him to get himself together and show her he could support his family. Twice he borrowed money to go to Las Vegas to gamble, hoping to come home rich and win back his wife. Needless to say it didn't work out that way. Once my father picked me up for a visit. I was 3 1/2 years old and I have a vague memory of that day. We went to a church and sat on the back pew. It was empty except for the priest who noticed us and walked over to talk. He knew my father and told the police later that he was sitting crying with a gun in his lap while I sat next to him. The priest talked to my father, Dallas for a while tried to console him. He was helpless and hysterical. The SWAT team was eventually called. My father was not cooperative with the police, and he wouldn't relinquish his weapon and surrender. I had been led away by the priest and remember none of this, save what I read in the newspapers. The stand-off lasted 3 hours and Dallas finally weak and tired, gave himself up.

Dallas Lowe was taken to Ben Taub Hospital in Houston, Texas. The police dropped him off in the emergency room. I was told two different versions of what happened at the hospital. Apparently, the hospital failed to restrain my father upon arrival. His family was with him and they waited for a doctor for 12 hours. Since his life wasn't in danger, he was not seen as an emergency even though he had recently threatened his own life and mine. He was pleading to go home, and my dad's family, the Lowe's, were ready to go home too. They figured they would take him home and seek professional help the next day.

Once home Dallas made many promises to straighten up and get his life together. The plan to see a doctor about his suicidal tendencies was put on hold and forgotten about. My dad tried to get a job without success. It was obvious to many that he was unstable. He quickly degenerated and was depressed more than ever. He went to his father and asked to borrow money. His excuse was that he needed money to buy a car and clothes for a job. He bought another gun instead.

Meanwhile my mother was still working at her good job and she, my brother and I were living with her parents. My aunt Mary, mom's twin, was in college, and their older brother Terry was fresh home from the Navy. Mom and Mary were very close, as twins usually are. During Linda's marriage problems with my dad, Mary supported her in the decision to leave him. Dallas constantly had accused and complained that Mary was interfering with their lives. He believed that Mary was the one who had pressured my mom to leave him and he blamed her for many things. And then on the flip side, my dad's sister Martha was also a constant figure in their lives during this time. Martha pitied my father and believed him when he would say that he's going to get a job and his life together, and thought Linda should be just a little more understanding of his weak heart. It has also been said that Martha was a voice in my father's ear urging him to notice how Mary has interfered with his marriage. Never mind that she was also interfering.

When my mother refused to come home when Dallas pleaded again, he went home furious believing that Mary was getting too involved and was influencing Linda. He threatened Mary on the phone, telling her to mind her business. The next day when my mother went to work, Dallas showed up at her office and asked to speak to her. The receptionist and coworkers were aware of their problems and asked Linda is she wanted security called. She didn't want her husband to make a scene as he had done in the past. She consented to speak to him outside. What happened outside and what was said will never be known. The office staff heard 2 gunshots a few minutes later.

During this time my brother and I were with my mother's parents, the Armstrong's. Now everyone has a different story about how they found out what happened. Some heard it on the radio, some saw it on TV, some like my both sets of grandparents, had a policeman come to the front door. But the ones who found out in the worst way was Mary and Terry. My mother didn't have a car at the time and my aunt and uncle had been picking Linda up after work everyday. So about the time my dad was asking my mom to come outside and talk to him, Mary and Terry were leaving the house to come and get her.

My aunt says that when they were nearing her place of work, they saw police, flashing lights and commotion, she swears that she felt this irresistible urge to keep driving. They turned into the parking lot. The police had the place blocked off and was about to stop them from entering the area. The officer got a good look at who was in the car and stepped back. The shock of seeing Linda's identical twin must have rattled a few of the police and bystanders.

Mary, getting out of the car was compelled to walk towards the area where the most people were concentrated. As she rounded the corner, a bright red splash of blood on a white brick wall caught her attention. She has never forgotten that scene. She told me later that she started feeling something real bad in her stomach. It wasn't like a 'twin' feeling she said, but knowing my father and considering recent events she started to panic. Linda's co-workers saw her and came over and steered her away from the horrific sight.

At the hospital later, both families converged and scrambled to find out what happened. The verdict was obvious, but hard to face. Grief and misery washed over everyone. My father shot my mother and killed himself. They both died instantly. Linda was 23 and Dallas was 28.

Everyone is in shock. And coming face to face with Dallas Jr. and I, must have made it even harder. A custody battle ensued. Everyone wanted to take care of little Jenny and Dallas since their parents were dead and it was so very sad. I could go on about the court details, but in the end my mother's parents got primary custody of us and my dad's family got us every other weekend.

After the hardest grieving period was behind everyone, both families became more or less friends and all knew that the one to blame was my emotionally unstable father. They put behind the anger for me and my brother. However, Martha and Mary, two aunts on different families still seethed with anger. Both blamed the other for interfering. Mary says Martha set Dallas on the path of revenge. Martha says Mary spent too much time telling Linda that Dallas is no good. They have never spoken again to this day. As I grew up and had questions, no one would really want to talk about it. Except for these two aunts. Of course each gave a different version of events and I never knew who to believe. My dad's family didn't want to hide the truth from me, but again didn't want me to grow up and hate my dad. They blamed his mental illness on a weak heart and said his heart just couldn't take it when my mother left. My mom's family said the weak heart was just an excuse for a weak unstable person. Well, whatever the reasons were, I am 3 years old, Dallas is 1 and we have no parents.

We grew up having everything we needed and never did without something. During school we always had more than the kid next to us. But everyone, students, teachers, all knew who we were. Every Mother's day when kids make cards, we were reminded how different we are. Some would say, "You had your grandparents! That's just like having parents, and you never did without anything." Unless you have experienced it, there is no way to know what it feels like. To not have a mom to run to when you hurt your knee, or need advice, or just want a hug a feeling like a whole in my heart that can never be filled.

My grandparents are the last of a dying breed. They are honest. I have never known either one to lie and I don't think they would lie to save their own life. When someone would call on the phone that I didn't want to talk to, I would say, "Grandma! Tell them I am not here!" She would reply, "I can't do that, that would be a lie!" They are responsible, honorable, and hardworking people. They love us very much and sacrificed a lot to raise us. But they are not affectionate people. There was very little hugging or kissing or anything of that nature. And yes, old fashioned. Very old fashioned.

I could go on about the twists and turns of my own life, but that is a whole other story unto itself. I'll have to write about that one day-what my family tried to hide from me, more disturbing things I heard about my dad, the ones who tried to profit from this tragedy, rebelling from my grandparents and becoming a mother at 16 and so on. Despite all that has happened, I haven't had a bad life, just a different one. I lost my parents early, but I have LOTS of family. And we are a close family, both sides, and that is what makes the difference.

Jennifer Lowe

jennyannlowe@yahoo.com

[Guest Guest]

I don't know where to start. I just came accross this website and figured I would try the message boards out. I have been with my boyfriend one month short of three years. Throughout the last three years we have become very close, bonding, sharing things with each other about our lives, and becomming best friends. His family is totally different from mine. I come from a home where my parents are still together; we're all very close; I have three siblings. We are pretty much straight edge - in other words none of us do drugs and drinking alcohol is recreational and social, not a habit for any of us. His family on the other hand is very different. He was raised completley different. They are very nice people but doing some drugs, drinking a lot, etc. was fine. His parents were divorced. From the stories I have heard from him and his family, his father was not a very nice man or a good father. I've heard crazy stories, that scare me! It is difficult for me to believe that my boyfriend grew up like this, especially with the way his father was. Not all stories about his dad were negative, some include good memories, but a lot of them don't. My boyofriend's father had a very tough life; he was in a motorcycle accident that paralized him from the waist down and then in another accident that burned his entire body. My boyfriend tells stories of him being forced to visit his father at the age of 3 in the hospital after the first accident and seeing his dad in a hospital bed with a metal cage drilled into his head. Other memories/stories include alcohol and drug problems, physical and emotional abuse, things with firearms, cheating on his wife at the time. I feel like I'm betraying the confidentiality I was told these stories in, but I need help. Recently, my boyfriend's father committed suicide, and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend's brother and him organized the memorial themselves and had it about 3 weeks after their dad passed away in order to clean up their father's house enough so people could go there. Basically I don't know how to deal with this. I am so angry because my boyfriend has to experience this. So many things have happened to him in his life that he doesnt deserve. And now, I'm not sure he's dealing with his father's death very well. I just need any advice that anyone can spare. I never met my boyfriend's father...I think for my own protection, but I want to do what I can to help my boyfriend but I also need help with this. I'm grieving for my boyfriend's loss...what do I do? Please help.

[sweetpea1995]

Guest,

I don't know if you will see this message, butI'm going to answer you anyways. My late sister was the kind of person who offered advice to anyone no matter the situation or what was going on in her own life, and I think it's time for me to do the same. While I'm sure you've heard this, grief is a very difficult process and everyone handles it differently. Coming from such a difficult situation I'm sure your boyfriend is confused about how to take his father's death. I can't say exactly how you can help him, but nothing is more important during this time than having someone to be there for you. You don't have to talk to him about it constantly, but make sure he does know that you're there for him. As for yourself, you have every right to be feeling the loss as well. While you never met him, your boyfriend's father was a part of your life, too. Even if you dislike someon, hearing of their death is shocking. It's like we never want to believe that someone we actually know has died. Death is something that only happens to "other people" so when you are the "other people", you're not very well equipped to handle it. If you have any trouble feel free to e-mail me at libelle@moonlight-fae.tk. I'll be here.

Much love and hope,

Jessi

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

My boyfriend, his sister and step-dad just placed his mother in a hospice facility after a 12yr long battle with recurring cancer that started as breast cancer. She also has biplor disorder with mild schizophrenia--treated for it most of her adult life. If you understand this mental illness, you know that these people are very difficult to be around at times and can make life a living hell for their loved ones. She has done that not only to me, but to every member of his family to the point some of them are not even appearing for this dying process due to the pain she has caused them when she was feeling well. She also has received secondary gains from her illness-using it to control people and place guilt that has been very tough on my boyfriend. Her children and husband's lives are lived in orbit around her...i think my boyfriend has even put off getting married until she dies, just to not have to deal with the potential consequences of him 'leaving her'--I'm 35 and want children and have been waiting and waiting for a proposal. many people in his family have told me they do not think he'll ever commit to a woman until she dies because of the deep enmeshment since he was 10 when she divorced and substituted him for a spouse.

It's hard to say this, knowing the sad state she is in right now, but we did not have a very good relationship--she was very critical of me and confrontational. During our relationship, it has often felt like he saves his emotional energy for her leaving very little for me. I have often felt like she competed with me--rubbing his feet and back and cuddling with him in my presence; asking him to choose her over me many times.

In the past four years that we have been together, she has been very ill, then recovers, very ill, then recovers...like that every year. Whenver she recovered she would begin meddling in everyone's life again and stirring up trouble and causing stress for people, including me.

Now, she is dying and he is a mess. Not sure how much longer she has...two weeks, two months.

My problem: i am confused about my feelings right now. Because of she and I's not so ideal relationship--i am finding it hard to feel really sad about her dying. I actually feel somewhat glad and relieved. This is making me feel terrible inside but no matter how hard i try, i can't feel sad. I feel sad for my boyfriend and don't like to see him hurting and want to be there for him.

I am looking for advice on how i should deal with this while being true to my feelings. Do i pretend to be sad? Will it seem strange to people that i'm not crying? Should i just keep my mouth shut about my true feelings and just be supportive of him through this? Do i need to tell him how i really feel? Is something wrong with me for not feeling sad about her dying?

Of course, there is a lot more to the story.

Thanks everyone.

[lucyinthesky]

hello all, well here it goes, my story is like this im 41 and i have a older sister and a younger brother, we all were rsaised by the same 2 parents, there were both drinkers and then of course then they beat the living crap out of each other, mostly because my mom was a really mean and jealous drunk! and my dad well he always just went with the flow he was usuakky happy until he pissed mom off, well anyways my siblings have never had much to do with our dad only mom, so 8 years ago i moved away and the folling year my dad followed me the parents have been divorced thank god for 20 years, so i took the job of being my dads wife as well as his daughter, my siblings made fun of me all thr time about dad living with me and so on... but the way i see it now its a blessing my father is dying . he is only 63 and has terminal lung cancer he fought as hard as he could but last monday we got the news 6-8 weeks to live! for 6 months now my siblings have not called or even asked about him and the 3 of us have been close i cant help but be mad at them how can you just not feel anything for your father? i dont understand i cant believe them well i have taken on this burden and i feel blessed my dad and i have spent so much time just talking and playing cards and crying and just sitting together quietly, i am a single mom and i am self employed and believe me it sure has taken a toll on my finances but you know you only have 1 dad so until he passes i have to just deal with it! but to all of you with messed up families i pray in a time of need you have support !! god bless ml

[Guest Guest]

Hey I know this probably wont be answered as I know alot of these posts dont. But I thought I would write something anyway. Since this is the first time I have vented my frustration in the fact that I have lost my father. The thing that does make it different from others is that I never met him. He died 2 months after I was born and yet my mother just told me he cheated on her while she was pregnant with me and when she gave birth to me. I dont know whether to hate him or whatever. I have never met a person wh has lost a parent that they have never met. I know alot of people have never met there parents but atleast they have the hope of it in the future. I honestly never thought I would feel the way I do over someone I never have met. I yet crave for my fathers affection and at the same time hate him. I think about it everyday and it seriously has affected my life. I cant rleate or try and replace him with mums boyfriends cause I dont want to replace him at all. I just wish he was here or that I could meet him once so know what he was like. If I could have one wish in life thats what it would be. But I still feel liek a traiter to my mother who I know says he was a great man but I believe she despised by never having photos of him around the house or the lack of information she gave in relation to his death about him. I would love to talk to anyone who was in any similar situation. I am 22 and nearly lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago. And thats the begining of it. I tell ya. I got the worst luck hey. Is there anyone who feels the same about a parent they have never met?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I'm on the other side of what you wrote, sort of. I was only 13 when my daughter was born in 74. Her mother never told me about her, the pregnancy, birth, or her adoption. In 96, my daughter was raped and beaten to death. I never had the opportunity to see her beautiful face, to hold her, kiss her, or tell her that she has a father who loves her. Seven months after she was murdered, her mother took her own life out of despair and wrought with sorrow. I've since set myself to a task of learning about my own daughter, her likes and dislikes, habits, successes, boyfriends, everything. There's nothing to go on, so I'm writing a book without information. I'm sorry you have been through so much. Please don't hate your dad. I'm sure of this one thing, that he loves you very much. What stood between your parents is something you may never understand, but this may be the best for you. You have many emotional issues at hand, so take one at a time, and please be patient. I know you hurt a lot, knowing you can't meet your dad, as I can't meet my daughter. But one thing, please don't beat yourself in the head over it like it's your fault. You are the child, and they made their own choices, the best ones they could at that moment. I'll be thinking of you, with a prayer for peace of mind. Thanks for writing, and please feel free and welcome to write again. You are welcome to write anytime about anything on your mind.

[emmerann]

I just lost my 21 year old brother in a motercycle accident. I am filled with hate and anger. My mom and step dad are great and they have given me full family support. But my Real dad and my grandpa have always loved my brother but not me. To them girls never mattered. My dad used to beat my mom and my grandpa used to bring my dad out into fields so he could beat her more. My older brother got to pick out everything, even on my birthday. They took him fishing, hunting, to the ocean, everywhere. I stayed home with my grandma. So now that my brother is dead all of a sudden they want me back. My dad has apologised for this and i feel like i can forgive him a little. But when my grandpa was hugging me and grabbing me at the funneral and after i wanted to push him away. Now he finally wants to get to know how wonderful i am but all i want is my brother back. Not a grandpa and dad who nevered cared before. One the night of my accident i got a call from my dad at 12 at night. I just thought he was drunk so i didn't answer but i listened to the message. This was a life changing experience and it hurt so bad to hear this news. Since then i cannot answer the phone after 10pm but my dad really does call me all the time when he is drunk. Everytime he does this it brings me back to that night and it hurts my heart physically and mentally. He calls and says things that I don't wanna hear. I now let someone else listen to the message and delete it because i don't want to hear him say "I am sooo sad, i miss you." and "I have four strippers chasing me around the bar". Why does his 20year old daughter want to hear that from her dad who wasn't and still isn't there. He never calls me during the day to ask me how "I" am, only for me to feel bad for him. He wasn't even there for Me or my brother, the only reason we had any contact with him was because of my grandma.

[ellenrichy]

Hi you are not a bad person or mean just been on an emotional roller coaster. when faced with someone who has been ill a long time you do feel a sort of relief don't kick yourself for it

Hi,

My boyfriend, his sister and step-dad just placed his mother in a hospice facility after a 12yr long battle with recurring cancer that started as breast cancer. She also has biplor disorder with mild schizophrenia--treated for it most of her adult life. If you understand this mental illness, you know that these people are very difficult to be around at times and can make life a living hell for their loved ones. She has done that not only to me, but to every member of his family to the point some of them are not even appearing for this dying process due to the pain she has caused them when she was feeling well. She also has received secondary gains from her illness-using it to control people and place guilt that has been very tough on my boyfriend. Her children and husband's lives are lived in orbit around her...i think my boyfriend has even put off getting married until she dies, just to not have to deal with the potential consequences of him 'leaving her'--I'm 35 and want children and have been waiting and waiting for a proposal. many people in his family have told me they do not think he'll ever commit to a woman until she dies because of the deep enmeshment since he was 10 when she divorced and substituted him for a spouse.

It's hard to say this, knowing the sad state she is in right now, but we did not have a very good relationship--she was very critical of me and confrontational. During our relationship, it has often felt like he saves his emotional energy for her leaving very little for me. I have often felt like she competed with me--rubbing his feet and back and cuddling with him in my presence; asking him to choose her over me many times.

In the past four years that we have been together, she has been very ill, then recovers, very ill, then recovers...like that every year. Whenver she recovered she would begin meddling in everyone's life again and stirring up trouble and causing stress for people, including me.

Now, she is dying and he is a mess. Not sure how much longer she has...two weeks, two months.

My problem: i am confused about my feelings right now. Because of she and I's not so ideal relationship--i am finding it hard to feel really sad about her dying. I actually feel somewhat glad and relieved. This is making me feel terrible inside but no matter how hard i try, i can't feel sad. I feel sad for my boyfriend and don't like to see him hurting and want to be there for him.

I am looking for advice on how i should deal with this while being true to my feelings. Do i pretend to be sad? Will it seem strange to people that i'm not crying? Should i just keep my mouth shut about my true feelings and just be supportive of him through this? Do i need to tell him how i really feel? Is something wrong with me for not feeling sad about her dying?

Of course, there is a lot more to the story.

Thanks everyone.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Emmerann, I grew up in a violent fam, so here's my two cents worth. If you think you'll be hurt, don't let them close. Be sure of their motives. I hope it all works out for YOUR best. We're here if you need to talk . . . anytime. Mark, Jenni's dad

[danizinah]

My little brother died of a drug overdose in 2005 he was 25 years old. I blame my step dad for his death. I have alot of issues with my step dad. I really hate him!!! My mom is still married to him so I cant go and spend time with her like I wish I could. He is the father of my two little brothers one of which passed away from the drug overdose. My step dad always made my brother get the drugs and they would share them mostly pain pills but my brother was doing alot of other things besides the pain pills. I love my other little brother so much even though I hate his dad! but we dont get along any more because he knows that I blame his dad for our brothers death. I wish I could let out all my other secrects I carry about my step dad I just wish he would die so he would have to answer to God for what he has done. My life is so screwed up because of him and all his abuse. I wish I could grieve for my brother like a normal person and I wish my mom would leave my step dad but she never will because she always acts blind to whats right in front of her face. I wish I could bring my brother back. I wish I didnt feel so alone.

[princessdss]

how did things get so screwed up??How did one sister and aunt get the rights to see my mom die and she was able to get power of attorney and know she would have controlled it all???I can't believe my dad is looking down and feel all is okay with this...i am so screwed up...i can't believe my dad let me go to north carolina knowing he was going to put my mom in the hsopital sick that friday that we left..then he never told me that my baby sister was down to visit my mom..cowardly he stood looking at me in the hospital room.speechless..and now i feel so alone.so very alone.

[staystrongsomehow]

Hi. Let me begin by saying you are not alone. I have read many of your stories and can relate and sympathize with you all. I cared for my dad for 4 years before he passed away. Eventually even helping him with his bathing and more. He lived in my home. I have 5 other siblings, and nobody helped. Now of course they all have their hands out. They seldom called, and most of them haven't seen him for at least 3 years. To make matters worse are the rumors. These are grown adults in their 30's and 40's and they are acting like teenagers or possibly vultures! I didn't even get any help with the funeral, planning or costs which was over $14,000. I am angry with them. I am hurt that I lost the person in the world that meant the most to me. My birth mom (I was adopted later in life by another mother) has even come into town to see what she can get, and she has been divorced from my father for over 23 years! The day my dad was buried they all came over MY house to go through our dad's stuff. They haven't even given me a chance to grieve. They were trying to take things of mine claiming it was our dads. I was being nice. I didn't have to give them anything let alone come over. He left all of his personal property to me anyways, and I just wanted them each to have a small momento of dad...not BOXES full of his stuff times 5 adult kids. They must have walked out of my house with 15 to 20 boxes full. It's not about the stuff, but more the respect. How dare they? I still can't get an accurate description of what they took, which I have to forward to probate court. Has anyone else been through this? What should I do? Every time I look around the house I see things missing and/or I have memories of my dad. It's only been 3 weeks. Today was supposed to be his 75th birthday. Happy birthday daddy. I love you.

[princessdss]

STAYSTRONGSOMEHOW I know how you feel about volutures...my whole life turned upside down also witht he death of my father,but my world went the complete opposite .i got booted out of the way when my dad died aug 7th and he gave his sister power of attorney which has EXCLUDE all the people in my mom s life who wanted to talk to her and be with her..i told her a week a go thursday i would be back and got a dreaded phone call that my aunt and my sister conhersed my sister in saying that SHE DID NOT WANT ANYMORE COMPANY and visots and leave her be..since then September 14th i no longer saw my mom.........and probably won't and Sunday is her birthday..........

[staystrongsomehow]

Hi princessdss. I wish I could promise you things will get better, but I can't. Maybe you should talk to the family members who are keeping you and your mom apart in a calm relaxed way. Yelling and screaming will not get you anywhere. If you let them know you need your mom right now since you both just lost your dad, they might be more open to you at least talking to her if even on the phone. I tried talking to several of my family members to let them know how I feel...in some situations it's helped but other's it has not. At least it's worth a try. I wish families did not interfer in other people's lives, maybe they mean well or they are just selfish. No matter what it still hurts. I'm sure your mom knows you love her even if you can't be with her. If she really doesn't want to see you it may be just because she is hurting so bad from loving the man she loved and losing him, that she hasn't even stopped to think of how much it's hurting you. By the way my dad's birthday would have been Saturday...so I had a private little memorial for him: a cupcake with a candle! Try doing things your dad liked to do in honor of him, I've found this helpful in dealing with my grief. It reminds me of him when he was healthy and happy...and I'm sure your dad would want you to have happy memories of him. In the meanwhile "stay strong some how". One more thing...a power of attorney dies with the person when they die, at least that's what my lawyer told me. You should find out if that's all your aunt has or if your dad wrote something else like a will or trust because those are legal after death. If I was you ask to see those papers or contact a lawyer. Good luck, my thoughts are with you. Roxy

[justnicki]

Guess that I'm just trying to figure out what exactly I'm feeling. He's been slowly dying for years. I found out tonight that he's down to 140 pounds and is sick. He's diabetic with heart (bypass already done, years ago) and kidney (on dialysis) and bone problems with a staph infection and bone spurs.

He used to be really angry (abusive) and now he's just really depressed and talking about wanting to quit having dialysis. I'm a long way away from there, and nobody seems to understand why. I'm an adult and the only way that I could have a relationship with my parents was to change countries and move 1/2 way across it. We deal well on the phone, but I can't handle being around them in person. I've been waiting for him to die as I keep getting calls from my mother telling me that he's gonna die, he's gonna die. It's been almost 10 years now. He gets sick, and I grieve a little more each time, and try and help them from here... but it doesn't always work. So I cry here, because even if I was there, they'd either fuss or get angry that I was crying... tears aren't allowed there.

[azsummer2003]

I am truly devastated by everything that has been going on in this world. Especially everything that I have had to deal with.

I know I sound like such a baby. Like such a whiner. But I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of thinking to myself, "Tomorrow will be a better day." I've had too many losses I think for me to keep pretending that it will eventually get better.

In a nut shell, I was raised poor in an abusive family, my mother was sick aslong as I can remember and died when I was 12, my father never remarried, I was taken advantage/sexually abused of by everyone I knew. I was bullied in school and I was called "dog" by many students. The kids used to bark at me when I passed and left dog bones at my door. (I'm not ugly, I don't know why they decided to pick on me, probably because I was an easy target = *nice*) I ran away to the army when I was 21, had a good three years until I was raped in Turkey and married at 24. My first husband was just like my father and he beat me up bad enough for the Army to insist I get help and leave him and they threw him out of the Army. Finally I settle with a man I knew all my life. We marry and have a child (Taylor). My life is tough, but not horrible, Taylor brings me the first real love in my life. Although my husband has cheated on me several times, I've stayed married to him. He cheats, but he doesn't hit.

I've had breast cancer and I have Chron's disease. Along with various other health problems (which kept me in and out of the hospital for 2 years) I've lost 5 babies not by choice. I do have a daughter who is the love of my life that is 16. She lives with me and is beautiful, a typically difficult 16 year old girl. I go on for her but sometimes think she'd rather not have to deal with the stress.

My son died 15 months ago, the week we moved from ARIZONA TO PENNSYLVANIA!!!!! It was too late to stay. My husband had already taken another job 8 months prior and we had sold our house and bought another one already in PA. We knew no one in PA. No one knew our son. My daughter had such a difficult time in PA because people didn't "get" that she had once had a brother who had just died - like, that month! She spent the first three days in the school bathroom crying, until each day I would go get her. Mind you - we spent a lot of time preparing her AND her teachers for her arrival and to help her through her grief. She refused to talk to a counselor. I went to grief counseling only to have them say, "it will take time for me to heal. That I had a good grasp on the past, the present and the future."

6 months later my daughter and I returned BACK to Arizona so she could be with her support system and the school she and her brother had loved so well. I credit them for the huge amount of healing she has experienced. It's a fantastic school with a strong PTO and administration. We are living in a little apartment until she finishes high school in one and a half years. Lord knows what my husband is up to.... But he is a kind man and I forgive him already.

As soon as we moved back to AZ, my dog died, and my best friend died from throat cancer. He found out one day and within three months he was dead! His death has been much easier to handle. He was 65 (like a father figure to me) and it was known and I got to say good bye. Taylor's came out of the blue.

Also, one reason I feel Taylor's death has impacted me so much is because he needed me. He was a momma's boy - and a rather smart one at that! He scored in the top 96% on the recent SAT, he was a National Merit Scholarship winner, he was in the IB Program, the Junior Class President and Captain of the Varsity Basketball team. He was hoping to get a full ride to Stanford or Georgetown U. He wanted to go to school to become a lawyer, he would have made a wonderful Judge. He was interested in politics like I am, he spent a LOT of time with me and we had a ton of things in common. Plus, he was soooooooo easy to raise. He never once raised his voice to me. My husband and I used to marvel at how kind and wise he seemed to be. He was a wise old soul for sure. I was a full time mother once my children started school full time. Before that they came to the gym with me while I coached gymnastics. I did work a little when they were younger - working as a substitute teacher in their school! I've always been very connected to my children. I never spanked (and never really felt they deserved to be) and our relationships have always strong. I miss Taylor being in my life. I feel so lost without him. Brooke doesn't need me (nor does she want me around like he did) as much as Taylor did. Brooke has always been much more independent than Taylor.

Now my Chron's is completely out of control (I think the move from the 2 bedroom to the 3 bedroom here was the topper.) and I am feeling sick and overwhelmed.

My father has Alzheimer's in Buffalo, NY and I feel responsible for him since my other sisters want nothing to do with him. Although he was abusive when I was a child, he suffered a stroke when my children were young and in changed his personality! He became a very kind grandparent. I thought that was a wonderful gift. So, now I am trying to figure out where my father should be, NY, AZ or CA (my eldest sister lives there). He's poor and on Medicare so trying to find him suitable care will be trying, but well worth it. My sisters would rather I deal with my son's death and my father's impending death without them. I obviously do not have a close relationship with any of my sisters. I've tried, but it's been poisonous to continue.

So there you have it in a nutshell. I taught Sunday school when my children were younger until we moved to VA. So it's not as if I've been lacking in religion, I just don't buy into it anymore. I just feel so stressed.

Thank you for listening.

http://taylorburgstahler.memory-of.com

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Azsummer2003, if I may say this, you are not whining in any way. I see you releasing the feelings of sorrow and frustration that build up inside us as we must go through so much by our loss. I am so very sorry you lost your son. To lose a child is a pain like no other. Losing my daughter has sent me through suffering beyond compare. And to add all that your dad must endure, you are going through a great deal of heartache. As you consider the best place for him and his care, search online for the state's social services programs, which will give you a guideline to how well you can expect his care to be in a given state. Another way of gauging this is by a state's tax base. When taxes are low, so is the level of social program care, ie, state contribution toward medicare and medicaid funding, and other necessary expenses pertaining to his care. My daughter and son in law live in a state with low taxes, which is great for them while they work. We all reach a place in life, whether by age or disability, where we need some form of outside care. You are wise to search this issue for your father before he moves somewhere. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you have the peace and hope you need and deserve. Mark, Jenni's dad.

[gramsgirl]

Hi everyone I'm new and lookign for support from others in my postion. I'm 29 years old married with 2 beautiful daughters. I have my gramma to thank for my happy life.My gram died suddenly at 65 on october 12 after complications for multiple strokes 3 days before the first one I was with her then I get a call from my grandpa saying she passed out and threw up and was in the hospital well I went running for the hospital it took me an hour to get there. I got to see her and tell her I loved her.We thought she was going to be okay then had mulitple strokes and died a week later. At the same time my best friends 2 year old son died after a major seizure.Ian died on the saturday and my gram the thursday while I was at Ian funeral.

My gammie raised me and took care of me she was always my safe place to land and I knew she loved (and still does ) very much My mother married a horrible man who abused me as a child and finally at 17 I could no longer handle living under the same roof as him and I left. Gram took me in my mother has called me a liar as well as the rest of the family and I have been fingered as the single person who destroyed the family.My grandparents stood by me through it all loving me every step of the way.My gram lost a lot because of it her own daughter didn't speak to ehr (my mother) for 12 years it wasn't until she was on her death bed that my mother showed up.Now that my grams gone I don't feel safe anymore. I feel attacked by the losers that are my blood as my husband says there's a trailer park empty somewhere. I miss her mor ethan I could ever imagine. It 's been almosta month and I still cry all the time. I hug her stuffed elephant cause it smells like her and sometimes sleep with it. Even though I have a wonderful husband and kids.He doesn't understand he doesn't want to. He wants me to suck it up and move on. I can't. I miss her so much

[princessdss]

well its been difficult since august that daddy's been gone and october 2nd for mommy.it has been a difficult month i must say...thanksgiving,i called it THURSDAY to others SUCKED!!no other way to describe it..and now the dread chritmas time...can t the holidays just GO AWAY

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Princessdss, I'm sorry these dreaded "holidays" have to come at us like this, when the winter snow looks so pretty, clean, and able to wipe away everything and let the world start all over again. If only I knew some magic words for you that could make the next holiday a little easier. But alas, I'm trying to find the magic myself. I'll give you this, though. We at BI are all together in this one thing, that we feel our pain commonly, so we are able to help each other through what is coming up next. This is the beauty of "our" little place here; that we get to come here to find solace and peace, strength and hope, all through those we meet and know here who must go through the same things. I'll keep a kind thought and comforting prayer for you throughout the days ahead. Write and talk about your feelings, which is helpful. We are here to listen, and to help. til a better day belongs to each of us, Mark

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Gramsgirl, I'm sorry to hear your gram is gone. This is such a loss. I'm sorry. Like you, I was in a bad situation, and my grandfather took me in and raised me. When I lost him my heart lost what can never be replaced. Please know that I'm praying for you. I'm here to listen if you need to talk. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad.

[Guest Guest]

I've just found this forum and it looks like a really supportive place, so I thought I'd post my situation to others who may understand.

Since the age of 15 things have been absolutely dreadful. My dad has always been temperamental and my mum was the complete opposite: she really held the family together and shielded us from him. My mum developed ovarian cancer when I was about 13 and died when I was 15. Of course this was awful, it was right before GCSEs. I had to watch her deteriorate in a hospice and that really messed my head up.

Anyway, somehow I muddled through GCSEs and actually did pretty well, even though things at home were so strained. My dad didn't know how to do anything because my mum had done everything, so I had to do most of the stuff around the house. The two year period when I was studying for my AS-levels and A-levels were particularly difficult. There were times when my dad would flip over the smallest of things. One evening I told him I was going to have tea round a friend's house and he started trashing the house, throwing things around and calling me a "bitch" and things like that. There was even a time when he grabbed me for no reason and actually twisted my arms around so I couldn't move and was locked in the same position for about 5 minutes. He seemed to get some sort of sick thrill from doing that. I have never told a soul about this, but when I was about 13/14 years old I was in the shower and he actually picked the lock and walked in and started washing my hair. It was so creepy, it wasn't sexual but it left me feeling violated. I had just reached adolescence and not even my mum saw me naked at that age, I just don't understand why he did it.

Things got much worse when my brother had financial troubles at the age of 21 and came back home to live. He is ill with immune problems and uses this as an excuse to not lift a finger. He has always been supposed to pay rent but he never has. They have had really violent arguments over this (one of which prompted me to write this post) and some of them were terrifying. I remember times when I was in bed at 3am trying to sleep and they would be shouting outside my door and throwing things around.

To top things off, my dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer a couple of summers ago. It sounds bad but this actually gave me a few peaceful months because he had chemotherapy and didn't have the strength to shout and throw his weight around. The house really deteriorated even further though, because there was no-one to maintain the DIY side of things. When he finished chemotherapy and started feeling better he completely ripped out the bathroom and downstairs toilet and basically made things worse. My dad doesn't clean up after himself: he leaves rubbish by the sink expecting me to clean it up...I have to be the one to tidy up otherwise he completely flips and when he gets angry I fear for my safety.

This September I did ok-ish in my A-levels and went off to uni. I got to uni though and didn't feel right...everything about it was wrong. I felt really overwhelmed and just wanted the pressure to be taken off. I dropped out last week and it was the right decision, but the thing is I'm now stuck at home again. I'm really lucky in the sense that I have an elder brother and a fantastic sister in law in Scotland and they offered to collect me and let me stay with them for a few weeks, but my dad insisted on collecting me. Since then my dad has been saying things like "I think your brother's secretly pleased you didn't stay with him". It was my birthday a couple of days ago and he didn't even acknowledge it, he spent the morning shouting at me and saying how I was worthless and only muttered "happy birthday" when he saw me open my cards. He's been saying how he's pleased I've dropped out, not because he's interested in my wellbeing but because he's glad he has some "company".

A massive row erupted between my dad and brother the other night. I first knew of it when my dad banged so hard on the bathroom door that I screamed because I thought it was going to break down and he shouted at me to "get the **** out". He then went downstairs again and I heard raised voices so I ran into my room and barricaded myself in by pushing a couple of heavy objects against it. I then heard them outside my door on the landing and my brother kept shouting: "Go on then! ****ing hit me! You know that's what you want to do" to the point that he was getting hysterical. My dad then directed the abuse at me by saying stuff like: "Your sister has me wrapped around her little finger just like you do", "she's playing a game", "I know what she's up to", "money grabbing bitch", "she knows what she's doing" as if I was part of some huge conspiracy against him...which I'm not, I'm just a 19 year old girl who is terrified of living because of everything that has happened and doesn't know what the hell she's doing half the time. It's really odd, because he has spoilt me with an internet connection and a brand new laptop and things like that, so I feel as though I should show him gratitude, but at the same time he gives me so much emotional crap.

My brother agrees that he's a bully and he has said that he experienced similar things on a smaller scale when he was young and now he's an adult he feels no sympathy for my dad, he doesn't want anything to do with him either. He's really lucky he was able to get out of the situation while mum was still alive. The problem now is that I think my brother wants to keep the distance between himself and my dad and though he and my sister in law are the best support I have they can't really help much because they're so far away. Looking back my mum was subjected to abuse too. I remember being about 5 years old and her running from the kitchen table during a meal because he had been shouting at her. I also remember the put-downs she had from him and how nothing she did was ever right, he just sneered at everything.

At uni I realised how anxious and withdrawn I had become towards everything. I constantly had my guard up about absolutely everything even though there was no danger and I was actually the safest I had ever been. I've been led to believe that I should never speak out and that I'm the catalyst for all the problems in my dad's life. I know it's not true, but because there has been so much unwanted drama in my life I feel that minor, everday problems are always going to escalate into huge traumas. To live your life feeling anxious and nervous about everything is exhausting.

Uni seemed like the way out for me but the problem with that was that it wasn't permanent enough and I wasn't in a stable enough state to enjoy it...I don't want to be financially dependant on someone who is so manipulative, I don't want him to have such a huge control over my life.

Since I'm home I don't have any friends. I had one 'friend' who keeps in contact but I'm distancing myself from her because she makes me feel bad. Sounds stupid, but she would constantly bring up my breast size and try to make me feel inferior for being small...I know, you probably find that funny, but personal comments like that which are constantly reiterated by someone who you think is supposed to be a friend really hurts. Whenever I achieved something she would never congratulate me, she would actually get moody and make me feel as though I had something wrong. After my mother's death I won a special prize for 'personal endeavour' and she didn't acknowledge it at all. I never ever boasted about any success I had at school and always fully supported her, so it felt like someone was pulling my guts out whenever I would do well at something so soon after my mother's death and she would make me feel bad about it. During exams she went behind my back accusing me of not studying at all for my subjects and said that it was unfair I got good grades because I apparently didn't put the work in...but I DID put the work in. I was at the hospice visiting my dying mother every single night and often staying up doing homework and revising for exams until 3am in the morning just to try to keep up! I got so fed up with her putting me down that rather than walking away I stopped trying to achieve, just because I couldn't deal with the backlash of upsetting her. I was in a really delicate state so I couldn't comprehend the fact that I should have stuck up for myself and I had no other friends to back me up anyway so I was too scared.

I lost some wonderful friends because of this girl: a few years back she used my Yahoo Messenger account pretending to be me and hurled abuse at one of my best friends using my name. My former friend wouldn't speak to me after that. I knew what the manipulative 'friend' had done but I didn't say anything...why didn't I say anything? Why didn't I stick up for myself? I was always too nice and let her walk all over me. It got to the point where she was the only person I ever really saw and socialised with. It was all down to the people she had upset and driven away from me, yet she would called me her 'shadow' and try to make me feel bad by saying that I clung on to her...of course this was untrue, she would be the one making all the phone calls to me and constantly demanding my time. I'm naturally blonde and she would constantly pick on me, saying I was "dumb" and showing me up in front of people as if it was the most hilarious thing ever. When we worked together she would take over tasks I was doing...if I was dealing with a customer she would take over just to make herself look big and to make me look stupid. At my mother's funeral she rushed past me in tears without saying anything and only came back to see me when her own mother told her to. She suddenly developed 'depression' and constantly talked about it as if it made her special, she would tell all and sundry how difficult she found everything, she used my mother's death as one of her reasons for developing her 'depression', she went on and on about how my mum was like a mother to her, even though she hardly knew my mum. It was so superficial and she still is superficial...I'm really fragile right now as a lot of you can probably understand and I just want genuine people in my life who genuinely care for me.

My mum actually died 3 years ago when I was 15. She died a very painful death from ovarian cancer and the images of her lying in agony are images I'll never forget them. I was only a child then and no child should have to see their mother like that. Deep down I think I'm really hurting still about her death, but this is overshadowed by current issues in my life. I feel like everything is really getting on top of me and I'm in it alone just trying to find my way in the dark.

[Guest Guest]

That last post was by me, my name is Alice. I don't know why it's only showing me as "guest" but I just thought I'd let you know my name.

[jamiedawnsmom]

Alice, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I wish I could be of help but I'm at a loss. I can't comprehend any parent treating their children like that. I'd do anything to have my Jamie back with me. I wish your father knew how lucky he is to have you. Is there anyway you could go live with your brother? He sounds like your best hope.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Take Care!

Renee

[snowday]

Alice: I am very sorry to hear about your life situation, it doesn't allow you to grieve for your mother, the way a daugther should be allowed to. Your father is a selfish man and I agree with Renee, you should go live with your brother for a little while. Once your out of "war zone" and in a "peaceful zone" for a while, you will see the path you should walk upon, you will find you way in life. You just need some peaceful days to find that path. Also, have you seen a counsellor, you could try going to one for a few visits, it may give you the strength you need to make decisions about your life. You will remian in my prayers as well. Debbie

[Guest Guest]

Am I the only one who had to deal with difficulties of dealing with their father's girlfriend and my mom(they were divorced) up to the very end of their Dad's life. It was chaotic and I feel guilty that I couldn't make things more peaceful.

I was his medical poa. But, he made all decisions concerning medicine up to the time he passed away. With said 'girlfriend' on one side of his bed and my mother and me on the other. He wanted my mother there because they had remained friends for years and spent alot of time with him and the girlfriend. It seems to me that any issues and there were several were enhanced. There is no such thing as making peace with someone.

We were close, but there were no tender talks and all that before he died.

I just still can't believe he is gone, you know and I still have his ashes and those I need to scatter where he told me he wanted them. And it is approaching one year.

You see after Daddy left this earth, I was pounce upon with emotional abuse.

I just wish that I could know that the decisions I made were the best I could do.

Following his wishes.

I have an older brother who is mental and when I visit with him, I have to pretend that I am ok and not be emotional-he is in his own hell. Maybe I am torturing myself needlessly, but I can't get the images out of my mind of his last moments and knowing and have know for a while that I would have to deal with everything completely on my own.

He was my world. And now I have to go without him, complicated grief and all.

Please keep me in your prayers.

[mofirefly]

Guest (post 43285) I didn't see anyone resond to your post - and I felt I should at least accknowledge it...in the post you said you wish you could know about decisions you had made and said you did the best you could and followed your dad's wishes. Read that to yourself. You did the BEST you could and followed your DAD'S WISHES. Please try not to continue second guessing yourself as it can be absolute torture. May God be comforting you as you travel down this road of loss. Take Care!

[ladyhitchhiker]

When we were at LeAnn's wake, the whole entire cheerleading squad put into my hands a huge megaphone that they had all signed and said, "This is for you." After the wake, I put it in my car, since it was given to me, and then the grandparents guilted me into giving it back to them, saying that they would "share" the megaphone with me, when the cheerleaders had given it to me. I surrendered it because I believe LeAnn wouldn't have wanted us to fight over a material object, but I think it's unfair because her grandparents had ALL of her stuff. Why couldn't they have surrendered anything to us, being the father and the step-mom? Why did they have to hoard everything? I know they're not handling their grief well and I'm not trying to make excuses for them - I know they go down three times a day to her cemetary site, and read to her grave children's stories and decorate it incessantly with child's toys, have planted a tree and put ornaments on it - but is this the only way they can show their love is through objects? What do you guys think? Is this a healthy way to grieve?

I couldn't help but enclose a song I wrote from my grief about this unhealthy family. It's to the tune of Avril Lavigne's happy ending. This was written four days after she passed away.

2-19-05: Not So Happy Ending by Liz Black

Let's forget each other

now that she's dead.

It was something I did.

It was something you said.

Hopes were so high;

now they're all dead.

(Chorous:) She was everything everything that I wanted.

We were meant to be supposed to be but she's lost now.

All the mories I hold so tightly so they won't fade away.

All this time I was pretending

that I could have a happy ending.

You lie to your dumb friends -

I know what you say:

tell them I'm insignificant,

well maybe it's they

cause they don't know me;

do they really know you

after all the time you took from me,

all the bullshit you put us through?

[chorous]

It's nice to know that you were there

but why'd you even act like you care

about Wally and I as if I were someone?

We could've had it all

but you'd rather watch us fall

after all this is through!

[chorous]

[ladyhitchhiker]

Oh on another note, my Uncle Seymour died this week - the funeral was to be in Georgia and I'm in Michigan so I couldn't go - but his wife barred family from being at the service. Can you DO THAT?!? That's HORRIBLE!!!!

[garcia]

For Alice:

You are in a toxic environment. Just get out, any way you can. You have the right to be happy and live in an abuse-free atmosphere. Go live with your other brother and get a job if you need to so that you can pay for your own Uni. What you need is a fresh start.

[kndrdspt28]

Me too.

It's been awhile since I've posted on BI, but I'm close to exploding again, so am back. All I feel like doing is swearing, I'm so bloody furious with everyone! My relatives are all totally nuts, self-centered and stupid ( how's THAT for being judgemental? - and I don't really CARE right now! ), and just keep hurting me with their ridiculousness....and so far, I've never retaliated, but secretly WANT to! And the stupid governmental dept. I have to deal with regarding my father's care/issues are just as bad! They don't respond to any of my messages, they don't do ANYTHING of any real use! Same goes for the attending doctor for my father - another one who owes me a call and just isn't bothering. I've been emailing several other people, for personal help, and not ONE of them is even replying! I can't TAKE this ignoring me thing anymore!!! My friends are all useless, even the lone one I expect to know better. When I have a bad day, no one seems to understand why I'm upset by these people....hell, truth-be-told, not one friend EVER calls me. If I don't call them, then NOTHING happens. And it's not like I'm always angry on the phone - in fact, I'm usually making a few jokes, but also don't lie and say I'm fine, but am honest about what's going on with me. I think I strike a pretty decent balance....but no one cares anyway...they all just ignore my feelings. I lived my whole, stinkin' life at home like that, and I honestly can't believe this nonsense is still going on, so many years later, and worse, with other people both related and not, to my stupid family! So why did I post under THIS forum? Because I'm wondering now if the entire WORLD isn't dysfunctional to a GREAT degree, if everyone didn't come from a dysfunctional family. I'm so tired of being treated like a speck of dust.I'm fit to be tied, but can't even DO anything about it!

I also just found out my last brother still has our Mother's, and aunt's and uncle's ashes at his home....2 years after our Mother passed, many years after our aunt passed and about 1/2 a year after our aunt's husband passed. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK HE IS!!! I'll never have a place to go to 'visit' with my Mom or one of my favourite aunts....and my Mom's sister is busy making excuses for this brother's lack of 'doing the right thing' by them!! I could kill them both! I'M JUST SO ANGRY AT SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!

[kndrdspt28]

Me too.

It's been awhile since I've posted on BI, but I'm close to exploding again, so am back. All I feel like doing is swearing, I'm so bloody furious with everyone! My relatives are all totally nuts, self-centered and stupid ( how's THAT for being judgemental? - and I don't really CARE right now! ), and just keep hurting me with their ridiculousness....and so far, I've never retaliated, but secretly WANT to! And the stupid governmental dept. I have to deal with regarding my father's care/issues are just as bad! They don't respond to any of my messages, they don't do ANYTHING of any real use! Same goes for the attending doctor for my father - another one who owes me a call and just isn't bothering. I've been emailing several other people, for personal help, and not ONE of them is even replying! I can't TAKE this ignoring me thing anymore!!! My friends are all useless, even the lone one I expect to know better. When I have a bad day, no one seems to understand why I'm upset by these people....hell, truth-be-told, not one friend EVER calls me. If I don't call them, then NOTHING happens. And it's not like I'm always angry on the phone - in fact, I'm usually making a few jokes, but also don't lie and say I'm fine, but am honest about what's going on with me. I think I strike a pretty decent balance....but no one cares anyway...they all just ignore my feelings. I lived my whole, stinkin' life at home like that, and I honestly can't believe this nonsense is still going on, so many years later, and worse, with other people both related and not, to my stupid family! So why did I post under THIS forum? Because I'm wondering now if the entire WORLD isn't dysfunctional to a GREAT degree, if everyone didn't come from a dysfunctional family. I'm so tired of being treated like a speck of dust.I'm fit to be tied, but can't even DO anything about it!

I also just found out my last brother still has our Mother's, and aunt's and uncle's ashes at his home....2 years after our Mother passed, many years after our aunt passed and about 1/2 a year after our aunt's husband passed. WHAT A PIECE OF WORK HE IS!!! I'll never have a place to go to 'visit' with my Mom or one of my favourite aunts....and my Mom's sister is busy making excuses for this brother's lack of 'doing the right thing' by them!! I could kill them both! I'M JUST SO ANGRY AT SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ladyhitchhiker, I've not been to this forum for a while, and I'm sorry for missing your post. To answer you, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. But, it's always wrong to intentionally physically or emotionally wound another person. Grieve as you see fit in your own heart. Be fair to all. Let your clean conscience be your guide. May your heart be filled with peace. My best thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark, Jenni's dad.

[annabanana]

My little brother died of a drug overdose in 2005 he was 25 years old. I blame my step dad for his death. I have alot of issues with my step dad. I really hate him!!! My mom is still married to him so I cant go and spend time with her like I wish I could. He is the father of my two little brothers one of which passed away from the drug overdose. My step dad always made my brother get the drugs and they would share them mostly pain pills but my brother was doing alot of other things besides the pain pills. I love my other little brother so much even though I hate his dad! but we dont get along any more because he knows that I blame his dad for our brothers death. I wish I could let out all my other secrects I carry about my step dad I just wish he would die so he would have to answer to God for what he has done. My life is so screwed up because of him and all his abuse. I wish I could grieve for my brother like a normal person and I wish my mom would leave my step dad but she never will because she always acts blind to whats right in front of her face. I wish I could bring my brother back. I wish I didnt feel so alone.

Hi If you would ever like to talk to me we have similar situations. I would love to chat. My bro died of an overdose and also was robbed and walked over for a day till the chicken sh** was able to call police. Sad scandulous. Don't let em bring you down. ever. My bro was 34 and died dec 28th. Its all too raw and real and would love to talk. Here's my e-mail

mommamialiv@yahoo.com

put your grief to a positive cause I am in the process of fighting with law2makers over prescription drug abuse and internet pharmacies and those who doctor shop and most importantly my biggest cause SCANDULOUS DOCTORS who should never have the term DR.in front of their name.

((HUGS))) Steff

[picklesmom]

I have been in alot of chat rooms for greif alot of message boards and even spent 9 months in counsling over the past 5 years, and this is the 1st time I have ever seen anything that admits that complicated realsonships and grief "make strange bedfellows",,, Just want to say THANK YOU for this board !!

Well here's my story,,

My ex husband and father of my 3 kids 2 boys and a girl was a 5th of vodca and a 12 pack of bud a day drunk he never paid child support or trisd to help raise the kids in anyway except to show up once in awhile in the middle of the nite drunk and ugly insulting and angry to wake us all up to hear all he had to say about how worthless and unimportant we were,,, after my 3 kids were grown and on their own they each in thier own way had a realationship with thier dad ,,,

5 years ago this last October 10th my 21 year old daughter left the house to go to work and 3 miles later she was an angel, a drunk driver was passing a car on a no passing curve and my daughter gave up the road lost control and died instantly when the air bag hit her like a brick wall, the only thing that I can hold onto is she died so fast she felt nothing, a friend said it right when he said she was dead before she even knew she was in trouble,,

needless to say her dad had no idea how to deal with his guilt ,grief,anger or her brothers grief. Now is where my story gets hard to tell without taking a gun and putting him out of my misery,,

she was driving a friends car and the insurance company paid off on the car she was driving to the owner and I figured that should be the end of it as far as any money paid out for her death,well the 'freind and her dad had other ideas and started to try to sue all the the insurance companies involved, the drunkscompany, tyhe friends company, the state (it happened on a state road) the county everybody ,,you know how these TV commercial lawyers" are now days when they get started or smell a large :wrongful death suit,,, well I went and got a 'regular' 'Real' attorny and had her estate probated and had the attorny settel for the mimmum ammount possible because I refused to belive anyone one deserved to gain anything off her death, so instead of the "unlimited" 'the skys the limit' amount her dad and the friend was looking to gain, they tell folks how I cheated them out of the retirement they gonna get,,my attorny took his fee of 2000.00 off the top and cut a check to each myself and her dad for the rest,we each got 14,000.00. I tried to explain that there was'nt enough money on this earth to 'replace' my girl' , to anyone that tried to tell me how "stupid" or cheap i sold out for " or any of the other comments I heard, she had no children and was never married so myself and her dad were her only heirs ,when the insurance company setteled with estate I had my lawyer send her dad a letter asking him to release his 'share' of the settlement to her 2 brothers , because he was a legal heir all I could do was 'ask' him as a personal favor,,well he ignored the letter and cashed his check ,,

now when ever I see him or think about the way he never took any responsibilty for her while she was alive I get a feeling that is like a physical pain ,

I want to say here and now my 3 kids and I were close as 4 people could be, my oldest son came to me one day after her death when I was having a really bad day and told me that there was never a moment of any day in thier lives that they ever had to question my love for them and that she knew with all her heart that I could'nt have loved her anymore than I always had, she was 21 years old at her death her brothers were 24 and 25 at the time.

her dad quit drinking cold turkey within a couple of years of her death and now says I need to let the past stay in the past, and get over all my anger at him so 'we' can be there for the 2 boys and be a family supporting each other in our grief,,,,,,that was when I went into counsling for my grief and anger mangment ,, I refuse to allow my anger at him to make me do something that will put me in prison for life and not be a part of my 2 sons lives . but I can't just 'let the past stay in the past' either when it comes to him and his 'actions'.

The drunk driver that caused the accident killed his self 2 months after my daughters death with a drug over dose while out of jail on bail .

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Steff, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Even though you lost your precious brother, it's not so much that addiction is a weakness but a psychological illness. Please don't blame your brother. SO many powers work to addict the person. My prayers are with you for the peace you need. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Picklesmom, this is a great site, isn't it? I'm so deeply sorry for your precious daughter's death. My words aren't enough. I am a dad who knows your pain and loss. Jennifer is gone. No, I don't agree that you should stuff it all in the past. You can't. She's your daughter. My prayers are with you for peace in your soul. May God be with you. I'm Mark, Jenni's dad

[annabanana]

hey mark... oh wanna clarify... I'm not mad at christopher at all. I am sad for him really. I AM howvever harboring huge resentment to those who were told by myself and my sister to STAY AWAY from him.....not give him drugs etc etc and explained to these creeps what was going on with him to hear ohhh yeaah of course no problem. Those pple ,I have a huge huge problem with. The police investigation is creeping along and me I wanna get em but can't. Its a very very frustrating place to be in. I am sure quite unhealthy but heck can't lie bout the way I feel ya know? But I have nothing but love for my brother Chris. Nothing but.... ((HUGS)) Steff

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Steff, didn't mean for it to come across like that. sowwee. I do agree with you in feeling the way you do toward those who make drugs so accessible for people. I feel compassion for addicts. I was there, clean since 1980. My prayers are with you for peace. This is a long road to healing, as you grieve. Be patient with the process. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Mark

[picklesmom]

Thank You Alwaysmyjennifer , My condolences to you and your family for the loss of your daughter. Your rite there are no words to define the emotions and pain when a child passes. You are in my thoughts and prayers also

[Kelly]

We just got back in our popular Remember Pins. Show that you are remembering a loved one by wearing these pins. The proceeds cover the cost of the pins and help support Beyond Indigo. Too see the pins and wristbands as well as place an order copy and paste this link into a new broswer window.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/sunshop/index.php?action=category&id=2

Kelly

[Guest Guest]

I lost my 45 year old daughter to breast cancer on April 1. My biggest problem is dealing with her husband and keeping a relationship with the three children, 14, 12 and 8. Has anyone else stuggled with problems like this?

Granjan

[jackiewitter]

Granjan,

Hello, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I lost my mother 5 years ago and I still ache. I am an only girl so I can imagine how crushed my mother would have been if I had gone first. I can only imagine your pain. My brother died 6 months ago. He was a single father and he picked up his 15 year old son every other weekend. My husband and my adult children and I have continued to do that. We have gotten him almost every other weekend since my brothers death. I know how much it helps me and I can only assume that it is good for him to be with his dad's family. I don't know how far apart you live, but I would highly encourage you to remain a huge part of their lives, no one could no you daughter better and be able to share memories of her better than you. You knew her all of her life. If you are able, I would suggest spending at least one weekend a month with them. We always try to make sure that we have something going on for my nephew, on rare occasions he has wanted to discuss his dad and those dicussions would naturally be more comfortable for him with us as his dad's family. Again I am so very sorry that you have to face this. I cannot think of a sadder situation than for a mother to lose a child, please know that my prayers are with you and I pray that God will show you a way to maintain the relationship with your precious grandchildren. God bless you, Jackie