Death of a Pet

[britnaysmom]

My precious baby girl Britnay was born on July 31, 1993 and passed from this earth on January 21, 2007. My Brit was a beautiful, wonderfully protective big dog in a little dog’s body. She weighed a mere 7 lbs but to all who encountered her knew that she was my “guardian angel”. She would let anyone know not to come near me when she was in my arms because I belonged to her and to no one else.

My Brit was diagnosed with kidney disease some 2 years ago but in spite of her condition, she was a fighter and didn’t know how to be sick even though we had a couple of close calls. For her, drinking plenty of water daily would help to compensate for the disease. She indeed had her vet puzzled that she was doing so well.

There were days I would watch her stare at me, never wanting me to stray too far from where ever she was. And, when I did leave the room while she was sleeping, she would immediately awaken sensing I wasn’t there and come looking for me in her slow little way.

What took this precious little girl from me in a matter of 2 days was advanced congestive heart failure. She was in an emergency clinic being monitored; we had hoped to get her back later that evening after she had spent the night there. The clinic staff was optimistic she was doing better but my hopes were shattered when the clinic’s vet called unexpectedly mid-day. He told us she had taken a turn for the worse and a machine was breathing for her now. I tried to remain calm but broke down when I uttered, “Do we put her to sleep now? Can we come see her before she dies? Will she know I’m there?” We chose not to be there because we wanted to remember her in life but now I’m regretting that I didn’t say goodbye to her, to let her stare at me one more time before she went into eternal sleep. The guilt I now feel for not recognizing the subtle cough she had was a sign that her lungs were filling with fluid because her heart was so enlarged.

It happened so quickly that I still can’t believe she is gone. I’ve never felt so much emptiness and loss for one of God’s four-legged creatures as I do for her. I hope time will help me heal because my heart aches so much I can’t stand it.

[taffya]

Dear Britnaysmom, How sad I was to read the story of your baby girl. How difficult it must have been so lose her. I relate to your story because I lost my baby dog in October. He was 12. He started coughing and I thought he had a cold!!! How little I know about pets' health. He too had congestive heart failure, but lucky for him and us, he was diagnosed that day and put on meds that cleared that problem up.

However, that same day, the vet found a mass in his abdomen and it was cancer - it grew fast through his chest area and he was diagnosed as terminal. I refused to have him euthanized because my husband and I don't believe in it. But finally, I was convinced by others that Mustafa might have a lot of suffering ahead of him so I took him to be euthanized.

I wasn't allowed to be with him, so I too missed the last look into his eyes. And I feel like I robbed him of his life - whatever few days or weeks were left.

I wish I could help you. But I think you, as I, will find people here who will help you. Our little pets are so important in our lives and to lose them is just a tragedy.

[britnaysmom]

Taffya, I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy. I read your profile and putting your loved one to sleep is never easy. But, I can tell you that you did it out of love for him. I feel the depth of pain you felt to make that heart wrenching decision. Sometimes you have to let them go with help so they aren't suffering anymore. I had to make the decision to put a cat and 2 dogs to sleep over the past 15 years and it never gets easy to let go. With Brit, her quality of life was over, I couldn't bring her home with a machine to help her breath.

Taffya, I know it has now been a few months for you. I've ordered a book called Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates to help me get through this. I'll let you know if the book helped me. Take care.

[taffya]

Britnaysmom, thank you so much for your caring message. Here, I find people who really care and I don't even know any of you. Unfortunately, there are many people who think the sadness will be over in a few days. Obviously, it's not like that for many of us.

I've had pets all my life (cats), but never was in a position to have to even think of euthanasia. There were lots of sad losses - accidents, sudden diseases that killed quickly. All were very painful, but the loss of the doggie - the euthanasia - decision made by me - has been the worse.

And you've been through it now four times?

Yes, please, if you find the book good, let me know. I've read quite a few books lately on death of a pet. Some helped and some didn't. I can say for now that beyondindigo.com has helped me more than anything else.

I offer my condolences on the death of your sweet Britnay.

[ladyhitchhiker]

Ladyhitchhiker,Thank you so much for you wonderful response to my question about euthanizing. It truly made me feel more at peace with myself. Your writing was so expressive and caring. I feel relief that there are people who judge euthanasia as I do. I was becoming so tired of people saying, "You did the best for your dog," and things like that. While I can't redo what I did, I will have other chances. We have two wonderful cats and I hope eventually to have another dog. Of course, there could be times when I know I would rush a pet to be euthanized if he were suffering uncontrollably. I know Mus might have gotten to that point, but the day I took him in, he was not. And no, the Humane Society wouldn't allow me to be there when he died. So, I also have the guilt of leaving him with strangers for his last few minutes.

Cocoamom, thanks also for talking with me again. I hope time will help your pain, little by little. Life is definitely difficult sometimes, isn't it?

Life is beyond difficult at times. I am glad I could help you! I've had a lot of experience with euthanasia - as I've worked at a few animal shelters, a few barns, and a vet's office - but I'm not going to lie to you. For me, euthanasia has never become easier. This is why I decided not to become a veterinarian. I couldn't imagine my grief compounding over and over again and myself never being able to heal, especially since I would be forced to euthanize in my job position. It didn't matter if I'd known the cat or dog or etc.,. two minutes or two years, I felt pain with their passing. I know most people say "death is natural; it is a blessing", but it hurts me.

I'm so glad I could bring even the slightest peace to you. It makes my pain seem like it's worth something, more than an experience "to build character from". I believe when I pass I will see them again, but that's a long time, isn't it? I wish you much peace to overcome your grief. I will wish healing thoughts to you.

[stolimom]

We lost of baby boy Stoli on January 20, 2007. A beautiful Siberian Husky who was 11 years old. Our brave boy survived cancer in 2001 and we had 5 more years of his antics and love. This time our brave little boy was not so lucky.

He had a large mass on this throat and was diagnosed with inoperable thyroid cancer along with Cushings disease. The vet told us that there was no cure for our boy. He was having great difficulty breathing and his pain must have been massive as he could not even lay down. The hardest decision in our life was to euthanize our baby boy so he would not suffer any more or be in such pain. We waited and prayed that we could have more time with him or he would pass in his sleep, but we knew that Saturday night, that this was not about our need to keep him with us, but his need not to suffer any more. Fortunately, I was able to spend the day with him and as he layed on his bed, I brushed him and washed his beautiful sad face, held his paw and he gave me one of his last sloppy

kisses. After his "Daddy" came home from work, we ate dinner and as always Stoli wanted some too! Although he put the food in his mouth, he did not eat. He then became very disoriented, hobbling to all corners in the house, he finally rested on his feather bed for a few minutes, tried to get up and was crying in pain. We then made the decision that we must relieve him of his pain. We built a ramp to the van so he could walk up it, he did not want to go, he struggled and we gently helped our boy into the van. I had placed his comforter on the floor and he just stared at me--I told him that I loved him so very much and held him all the way to the emergency hospital. When we arrived, he did not want to get out of the van and when he did, he wanted to walk in the parking lot which of course we let him do. Inside the hospital, he stopped and layed on the floor and the techicians had a hard time getting him up and taking him to the room. We coaxed him up and told him that it would be ok for him to leave us and be free of his pain and that we loved him with all of our hearts and so did his sister Skyy (a female siberian husky -6 month younger).

After they took him to get ready I cried uncontrolably and did not hear anything that was said. The only thing they asked me was if we wanted a paw print and I said absolutly and kept crying, They wanted to know if we wanted his ashes and all I heard was cardboard box or pine box. They took us to an exam room, then brought in our baby boy and told us we could spend as much time with him as we would like to say goodbye. He was pacing around the room and disoriented. All I could see was this cold room with stainless steel, spotless and cold thinking this should not be the way his life should end. When we were ready, the vet came in and threw a sheepskin pad on the floor. We brought Stoli over to it and our brave little boy did not want to lay down. We looked into his eyes and held his face and told him it was ok to go, that we did not want him to suffer any more. It took only which seemed like a second and he was gone. We both cried harder than I have ever cried in my life. We both lay next to him and held him once last time and I could not stop crying. We left the room and I went back for one last hug for my little man and let him go.

When we left the house to take Stoli, his sister was howling at the top of her lungs. When we returned we could hear her from outside howling and moaning. When we came into the house she was still howling and running around moaning and looking everywhere for her brother. We talked to her and told her her brother was gone. We brought in the comforter from the van and she laid on the comforter and would not get up. She still will not get up from that comforter, only to go outside and run in and out with her nose in the air. Last night she went and laid on his regular bed and just smelled and rolled and tossed the bed in the air and then she cried and moaned and did not leave his bed all night.

This morning she wouldn't even go outside or eat her favorite treats. He Daddy took her for a walk and then she can home and returned to the bed. She won't eat, play or even run around the house. She will not leave the family room.

We are grieving for her brother as well and we are very concerned about her behavior. We have tried to clear the house of all his things so she will not miss him as much. Has anyone had this experience and what have you found helpful? I might add that our baby boy and baby girl have been together since she was 10 weeks old and he was 7 months old. Please can someone help us with this?

[taffya]

Ladyhitchhiker,

Once again, you've sent me such a caring message. In fact, I signed on here today hoping I'd hear from you again.

I can't believe that you were able to work in shelters and places where euthanization was done. You're very strong and I can certainly understand why you weren't able to become a veterinarian. I honestly don't understand how people perform that job. There must be so many sad instances, some happy ones, of course, and many more sad ones.

I've often thought of volunteering at an animal shelter or someplace like the Humane Society because I love animals so much. But I realize now that I can't do that because I wouldn't be able to bear knowing that animals were being euthanized every day (even if I didn't see it). I suppose there are no-kill shelters and I may search one out eventually when I stop working.

As for Mustafa, I continue to regret not having more information about his illness. Could it have been possible to let him die "on his own"? Doesn't that ever happen? If so, wouldn't it be better for the pet and the parents?

He was 12 and I knew he was getting older and older, but still...I wish the vet had offered some kind of "home hospice care" for him - or that he'd taught me how to do this better than I did.

[taffya]

Stolimom,

I just finished reading your message and my heart is breaking for you. Your description was so vivid and I felt like I knew you and your family and you sweet Stoli.

Yes, pets can really react to the absence or death of another. We had a very tragic incident where our kitty fell out of a window. It was horrendous. Our little dog (Mustafa - the one who just had cancer and was euthanized) missed the cat so much. He related to my husband and me as we were crying. He looked for the kitty everywhere. He really expressed sadness.

Then we got another kitty. Slowly, slowly, Mustafa began to love the new kitty and before long, they became very close.

Now we have two cats and Mustafa is gone. We haven't yet gotten another dog. The two kitties have looked for Mus a lot and finally accepted the fact that he isn't there any more. They suffered.

I think it helps when we removed Mus' bed and toys. But probably the easiest way to help your pets is to get another one that they'll learn to love.

[mamabets]

For All~ While I have not lost any of my dogs yet {little doxies}... 15, 14, 13 and 10, I did lose my 25 year old son 2 1/2 years ago. MY PRAYER, and I know that it has been answered by my Danny, is that when it is time, they will cross the Rainbow Bridge, run to him, and wait for me!! I am truly frozen in fear of what I will do when something happens...

"The Rainbow Bridge" is a beautiful poem. For all of you, go to your search bar and you will find it... It is very comforting and my prayers are with all of you!!! xoxoxmamabets

[ashleysmom]

Today I have to put my dog Molly to sleep. I do believe in rainbow bridge and I know Ashley will be there to take her home, Molly is 14-15yrs old (not sure because she was an adult when we got her) Ashley so loves Molly. I'm sure she is happily anticipating the reunion, but it is so tough to make this decision. I have been trying since August and now I realize I am being selfish. It is so hard to say goodbye, yet again.

[steve618]

Yesterday I took my 13 year old little grey tabby cat Helen to the Vet as she seemed to be off her food. Nothing serious but to be sure. 10 minutes later I left without her when the vet said she seemed to have severe kidney failure and it would be best to put her to sleep. I have been devasted and have sobbed uncontrolable since.

In 13 years I have lost a wife and two parents, had to move halfway across the country to get a new job but in that time she has been there as my support. Like a part of the family ? She has been my family.

She seemed so illteligent and looked out for me always knowing when i was down or feeling at the end of my teather or unwell. At night she would lay at the bottom of my bed until I was asleep, i would pretend and feel her come to check if my eyes were closed. In the morning would wake me with a gentle tap on the nose.

I feel absolutley desolate and alone now. I know it was right to do it if she would suffer but was the vet right and did he put to puch store in her age and his computer programmem could he have been wrong yes all signs of bereavment but most people dont understand my world feels like its has ended.

I am 50 years old and a manager and many losses but this has hit home so hard but this site shows others have had similar events so not alone in my grief.

[diane1234]

Steve,

We had to put our family dog Marbles to sleep last friday. We didn't want her to suffer any longer (she had lots of issues,blind,deaf,stopped walking 4 weeks before,diabetic,etc...). She was almost 13 years old and a TOTAL part of my family. I just lost my brother 3 months ago very unexpectedly. It was then that I found this site.I reached out to my friends on the Loss of Sibling thread. One dear person sent me the Rainbow bridge. It was a lovely story . I will find it & type it for you.

[diane1234]

The Rainbow Bridge (in Honor of Marbles our Aussie '94 - 2/9/07)

Just this side of heaven is a place called; The Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been very close to someone here,that pet goes to the Rainbow Bridge.There are meadows,trees & hills for ALL of our pets to run & play togehter. There's plenty of food,water & sunshine. Our loving pets are warm & comfortable.

All the pets who've been ill & old are restored to health & vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made Whole & Strong again; They are as we remember them in our dreams of days & times gone by.

Our pets are happy & content,except for one SMALL thing; they each miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind.

The pets run & play w/ each other; but the day comes when only one pet suddenly stops & looks into the distance. Their Brite eyes are intent; Their eager body quivers. Suddenly the pet begins to run from the group they were playing with,flying over the green grass, their legs running faster & faster.

YOU have been spotted. Then, when you & your special pet finally meet again; you cling together in joyous reunion. Never to be parted again. The Happy kisses rain upon your face;your hands pet your beloved's head & you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet; this beloved pet who's been soo long gone from your life but NEVER absent from your HEART.

Then you both....

CROSS THE RAINBOW BRIDGE TOGETHER............

Author Unknown

[steve618]

Steve,

We had to put our family dog Marbles to sleep last friday. We didn't want her to suffer any longer (she had lots of issues,blind,deaf,stopped walking 4 weeks before,diabetic,etc...). She was almost 13 years old and a TOTAL part of my family. I just lost my brother 3 months ago very unexpectedly. It was then that I found this site.I reached out to my friends on the Loss of Sibling thread. One dear person sent me the Rainbow bridge. It was a lovely story . I will find it & type it for you.

Diane

I thank you for the Raimbow Bridge. I know in my heart that I was lucky to have Helen all those years and that her passing was easier than many I have since read of. I guess she had become the the cornerstone of my emotional energy due to events I will not bore you with. My grief was selfish as I miss her and feel guilty for being the person to sign away her life and always the thoughts just a few more days or maybe the vet had it wrong.

I have also lost close family and friends and feel humbled that you take the time to try and help me when the loss of your brother is so fresh and in tragic situation.

The wonder of the interet is that we tcan all reach out and give voice to our bereavement and meet like minded people. Thank you are take care.

Steve x

[diane1234]

Steve,

I'm glad the Rainbow Bridge helped. We had to make that very HARD decision w/ Marbles & I second guessed the vet too( even though her quality of life sucked).

You are right...second guessing was just selfishness on our part. Marbles is in a better place now & so is Helen.This web site was my saving grace too.People were soo kind to me. Claudia in a far off country sent the Rainbow Bridge to me & now you can share it w/ someone else someday on Helen's behalf :-)

G-d Bless, Diane

[dendryite]

Steve,

I could really relate to your post. I'm losing my beloved kitty to kidney failure. The vet told me yesterday that it will probably be this week. He said "I'd know" when it was time.

O'Reilly ("The Reillster") has been my favorite pet, and I've had many since childhood. He's not quite 9 years old; I thought we'd have at least 15 years together. Like you, Steve, I've been "through the mill" over many of the years of O'Reilly's life & won't bore everyone with the details. O'Reilly's always been there to comfort me, and he's never failed to make me laugh at least a few times a day. The past few years have been relatively free from emotional trauma...and now this.

The vets told me that with his "numbers" he should be dead. Yet he's still running, playing, purring, asking for attention, and generally being Reilled up...except for eating. He lost nearly a pound over the past week (& was just under 10 lbs to begin with). Yesterday he seemed pretty sick. Today, if I didn't know better, I wouldn't think anything's wrong. I guess he'll be a kitten until the end.

I'm astounded at how difficult this is...I have crying jags every few minutes. For the first time, I don't want to share the pain with O'Reilly. I appreciate being able to find others who are going through this.

My best regards to everyone,

Maria

[steve618]

Maria

Thank you for replying to my post. I also feel for you. I would not have believed this could be so hard. It is now 4 days since Helen went and I still am in pieces. I see her everywhere and just feel that maybe I made a hasty decision and if I had not gone to pieces and got a second opinion then just maybe somthing could have been done to help her. I am in a strange town and had to pick a vet at random.

Your vet seems a good one and has said you will know when the time to say goodbye will be right and I think you have to hold on to that thought and make the most of every minute possible with O'Rhilly. It is hardest when they are their good old selves isnt it.

I have read on other sites and that is the way ive been dealing with not being able to sleep - surfing, that cats will hide their illness as long as possible... some say its to protect themselves from preditors and competitors in the wild others say its to save us their owners from worry. I prefer to believe the last one. I know our treasured ones wouldnt want to worry or leave us but we have to let them go if they are in pain.

I wish I could offer some magic words to help you. I have had many lovely messages from others who have been through what we have and are and that helps to know I am not alone and others have fealt it to but still I cry and shake and just wish she were back.

Please let me know how things go. Either on here or on my email ..I guess you can do that through the moderator if it will help. My thoughts are with you cause I know exactly how you are feeling.

Big Hug

Steve

[dendryite]

Steve,

Thank you for your kind words. If there\'s a silver lining in this pain, then it\'s the fact that perhaps we become more open and real during this time. It’s a sign of life, as we all know people who are virtually dead living in a functioning body. I feel sorry for those who haven’t allowed themselves to experience a relationship with an animal. It’s the only relationship we can have on this Earth that is truly unconditional.

I can imagine how you feel; taking Helen to the vet & the next thing you know she’s gone. I truly don’t know which is worse, because I don’t really like the responsibility of “just knowing” when I should let O’Reilly pass. Last night was the first night he’s acted pretty sick (he’s seemed sick during the day, but up until last night he’s managed to “be himself” for an hour or so at night). So, I think that the vet is right & that it will be this week. It’s true that I should be enjoying my last days with him, but I’m fighting off sobbing all the time (& I don’t want to do this in front of him). The less he is himself, the more sorrow I feel…it’s torture. However, I’m glad that I’ve at least had the time to come to terms with this somewhat while he’s still alive. Not to second guess your vet, but perhaps he should have advised you to take Helen home for a day or so. Just so you could at least partially get over your disbelief and try to process the incomprehensible.

I’m on pins and needles because of course I have to work this week. I’m fortunate in that I work for myself, but I have appointments with clients that must be kept and it’s going to be hard to keep focused. O’Reilly seemed pretty sick last night, huddled off by himself and all I could do was lie on the floor next to him for a while. Each morning I don’t know if he’ll be alive or not; he doesn’t come to “help me wake up” like he’s done all of his life until lately. He still wants to go outside, and I’m wondering if at this point I should be letting him. My perspective is that I’m not going to let him live his last days as naturally as possible.

I was thinking that it may be even harder for a male in our sexist society to be going through this, as males are conditioned not to express psychic pain and when they do, there can be social consequences. Kudos to you for allowing yourself emotional receptivity. Despite these dark days, I wouldn’t trade the experience of bonding with a furry friend for anything else in this world.

Sending psychic hugs,

Maria

[dendryite]

Steve,

I just read back my own post and saw "My perspective is that I’m not going to let him live his last days as naturally as possible." The thoughts are coming so fast & blurring together. I meant to say I'm not going to make him a prisoner/patient but let him live his last days as naturally as possible.

I also wanted to say that, for what it's worth, there isn't anything you can do for kidney failure except do a kidney transplant (and it's questionable when their kidneys are functioning at such a low level, if this is even a viable option). Yes, you can force feed them, give them sub Q treatments, etc. I admire those who can do this, but for myself I don't want O'Reilly running away from me when he sees me because he associates me with trauma. I did give him so watered down food in an eyedropper yesterday just so he'd have something in his stomach. However, I wouldn't do this for a 1/2 hour at a time because he'd just hate it. It all comes down to quality of life issues. The bottom line is: there's no cure.

Maria

[steve618]

Hi Maria

Thank you for your messaages which I find help me put my own loss into perspective. I had just written a long reply but it looks as if I took too long and ive lost it as it has timed out. Sorry. I will try and write it again tomorrow but now lask of sleep has finally caught up with me and I can not keep my eyes open.

I hope that today has been ok for you and O'Reilly and thank you for the physic hugs which I am sure ive recieved and send some back.

Thinking of you both

Steve

[steve618]

Maria

No more messages from you. I hope things are still ok and you are coping.

Thoughts with you

Steve

[Guest Guest]

I have recently put my dog, Nicole, to sleep. And, as bad as I thought it would be it was worse. I always had my husband go into the room and hold the other pets but he has passed away and I would never not go in after all the love and loyalty animals show. She was a tiny, 8 lb. miniature schnauzer. She had gotten very sick at the end, she would have been 13 next month, and it was horrible to see her so sick.

[Guest Guest]

I have recently put my dog, Nicole, to sleep. And, as bad as I thought it would be it was worse. I always had my husband go into the room and hold the other pets but he has passed away and I would never not go in after all the love and loyalty animals show. She was a tiny, 8 lb. miniature schnauzer. Anyway, I didn't do well with it at all. She had gotten very sick at the end, she would have been 13 next month, and it was horrible to see her so sick.

I am not only grieving myself but I have an 18 year old cat who spent almost 13 years with the dog and another schnauzer, 3 1/2 who is missing her too.

[dendryite]

Steve,

I'll be leaving in less than an hour to say that final goodbye. Can't write more now.

Maria

[steve618]

Maria

It sounds as if that time has come. I am so sorry and know you will feel as upset and lost as I was. Deep down we know it is the right thing to do and that its is also the right thing to feel the loss.

My thoughts are with you

Steve

[diane1234]

Dear Guest,

I had to put our almost 13 yr old Aussie to sleep a week & a half ago.She was really suffering and we had to send her to the Rainbow bridge(see the previous feb.post by me). We have 2 other dogs who were with her for 10 yrs(our Brittnay) & 1.5 yrs(our Rotty pup). They definitely have been having a depression the past week & a half.Our puppy keeps looking for her to come thru the front door(we had to leave thru that door on her last day). I feel as though we did the right thing .Due to the fact that I have the other pets(her dear friends), we've been able to cope & grieve a little better. I've been giving them extra love & treats. I've also allowed my self the space to feel sad and to remember all the cute & sweet things Marbles did in our lives. Good luck to you w/ your other pets who were Nicole's friends too.

G-d Bless,Diane

[dendryite]

Steve,

As terrible as it was, there's a sense of relief because this vigil has been going on for more than a month. The last 4 days of it were hellish, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. However, I suppose I did get to get a lot of processing done during that time. Now, though, at least I can weep & wail freely w/o fearing I'd upset O'Reilly's already frail body. He got to leave his body before it had completely failed and things got extremely ugly; it was very peaceful, the vet was wonderful, and I had a friend there to help bolster me. It's hard to work, although it's also a blessing, else I'd just spend the whole time crying. I badly need some sleep; last night once again I didn't get any, and spent 2 hours trying to make my extremely puffy eyes look a bit more normal before I started seeing clients early this morning. Once I'm done with work this evening I know I'll just be a wreck again.

Are you feeling even a little better? I hope so.

Maria

[steve618]

Maria

I hope that you are ok. As I have said before it is a measure of how we love these furry creatures that we feel such grief when its their time to leave. You did all you could and I hope things start to get easisr soon. Thinking of you Steve x

[Guest Guest]

I don’t know how to deal with this. I know this is long but I just have to vent. I have had my dog Cookie, an American Eskimo since I was twelve and I am sitting here at work only being able to think of her and cry. This past Saturday the 24th, my family and I had to put her to sleep at the age of 13. She was relatively healthy and active and just loved to eat. We did notice the past few months she liked to sleep more and did not have as much energy but we just thought this was a natural part of getting older. We kept up with all of her checkups and shots and we thought she was okay. Then Thursday and Friday of last week she was vomiting and was weak. We took her to the vet on Friday and the doctor said she may have indigestion and gave her a shot for nausea. The next day she was even worse. She did not want to eat, she was shivering, and had horrible diarrhea. We rushed her back to the vet and they did an x-ray and we got the terrible news; she had a cancerous growth in her stomach and her liver was enlarged and she was dying in front of our eyes and we knew what had to be done. We were all there to say goodbye to her and were with her until the very end but it is just so hard. My mother and I have not been able to stop crying. I know that it has only been a few days but I cannot deal with this grief. I feel like someone has taken my heart and twisted it and broken it into millions of pieces. I miss her so much and I wish we could have helped her if we only knew what was going on. I am getting married in 5 months and will be moving in with my fiancée soon and I should be happy and excited as I was before but now it doesn’t make me happy one bit, I don’t care anymore. I know as time goes on I will be able to deal with it better but it’s just so hard right now. I just see her face in my head and I just want to cry. I have lost grandparents before and I was devastated then too but this is much worse, I feel so much more pain. I feel like a part of me has died and I can’t take it. I want this pain to go away but it won’t. I have my loved ones who are there for me and are helping me but I just needed to get it out. I feel horrible for my mother as well because it is as she has lost a child. It’s just so hard. Thank you for reading this. I just had to put it all in writing.

[steve618]

I am sorry to hear of your loss and the tragic way it came about. I first found this site when I had my companion cat of 12 years put to sleep. It was similar in as much I had not realised that she had been that ill and it was a shock.

Part of the grieving process is to look for blame. I blamed myself for not seeing the problem, having her put to sleep and even for trusting a vet I didnt know.

I missed her terribly and still do but now can at least see that as there was nothing which could be done I did do the kindest thing and you have done the same. Cancer is a terrible thing and I have lost two parents through it and I know if I could have eased their pain at the end then I would have.

Dont be hard on yourself. You are feeling this pain because you loved Cookie and she loved you and we do form a bond with our pets that some from the outside cant see or understand but you are entiled to your grief.

I stopped crying when no more tears would come. I started sleeping when I was so exhausted I just crashed out. I had support from people on here as I am a stranger in a new place with no friends or family and they truely helped and I am sure will also help you.

Its sad but its the nicest, kindest people who suffer at such times because they are the ones who care.

Thinking of you

Steve

Hug x

[parisfemme]

Thank you Steve : ) I am very sorry about your loss as well. I am still crying but I am coming to grips with it, I am accepting it. I know that it will take time but things will start gettting back to normal. I will never stop missing her and I will never forget her. I started blaming myself and the vet but I just can't do that. It is what it is. I am just exhausted now but this weekend I will try to do some more wedding plans to get my mind off of things. I have support from my family and friends but it is nice to talk to others who have gone through the same thing. Thank you for your thoughts.

[steve618]

I think it is all part of the bereievment process we go through. I still feel empty. It could be other losses in the past still there and this has just brought them to the fore again. I find I cant sleep and concentrate on work. Reading that you have also been through similar emotions helps. I had some lovely messages from Maria as well who had to say good bye to her cat. I wrote a silly little poem for an online peetry competition not that I have ever been any good at poety but have to do somthng with the sleepless nights.

Helen's Chair

No one sits in Helen's chair

it is empty and she isnt there

I just stand or sit elsewhere

rather than sit in Helen's chair.

Helen's chair positioned just so

beside the fire all a glow

it views the hills beyond the yard

to see it empty is so hard

I dont sit in Helen's chair

it is empty and she isnt there

she has been taken to another place

but I leave it empty just in case

Steve

[taffya]

Hi Steve, I'm Taffy from way back in October. I found this place after having taken my precious 12-year old Shih Tzu to be euthanized. He had rapidly spreading cancer in his upper and lower body and the vet told me he didn't have long to live ("If he were my dog, I'd euthanize him") I felt like euthanization was killing and didn't want to - my husband and I did our best to take care of him and then one day, I got very worried that I was causing him to suffer and I suddenly took him to the Humane Society. I wish I could take those minutes back when I left him. How did I know this was the time? He was calm, couldn't walk anymore - but I really think I took him there too soon. I've been suffering tremendous guilt now for months.

People here have talked to me and said I did the right thing. But I feel a tremendous and a hideous loss for my little dog who was so very important to me.

I relate so much to what you've written about Helen. I understand. I'm angry with the vet who suggested euthanization for her right away like that. Of course, you were in shock. Why not give Helen some more time with you so you could make a slow decision, not such a rapid one?

I felt like writing to you several times, but now that I've read your poem, I have to. It brought tears to my eyes.

I've found that emotions for my pets (my previous - all cats - and my current - also 2 cats - and the one dog I've ever had who showed me how wonderful dogs are - all these emotions are so strong and so nearly perfect in life.

I hope that you're continue to feel better. I expect, for me, I'll continue to miss Mustafa all my life. I haven't decided yet if I should get another dog. This will take time, I think.

All the best, Taffy in Miami

[steve618]

Hi Taffy

Thank you for your post and sorry if my poem brought it all back to you. It is very good of you to write and share your own grief. It does help as I am living in a new area having moved for work and dont have any friends or family close by and the people I work with dont seem to understand. Just unfortunate that none of them seem to be pet lovers or understand that the berievment is as real as if it were a close family member.

They say things always happen in threes and that was just one of a number of things which happened in the last few weeks so it has been a test. I think thats made my miss more because our pets can read our moods and Helen would be there comforting me if she sensed I was down.

I dont think I will be looking for another cat for a while at least. I have had other pets but Helen was unique as they are all in their way but she was there during some hard times and was their as my two sons who I brought up were children.

Thank you for writting ..I am glad you did

Steve

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

I lost my cat, buddy, my friend Forest Gump last night at 1:30am in the morning to Lymphosarcoma. I am in so much pain, I can not bear it. I am trying to be strong, but find it very hard. My husband and I decided to try the Chemo, I would not recommend it to anyone...I am glad we were with him last night when he took his last breath. I got to hold him all night until day light. I will miss him so much. I know he is in a better place and for that I am thankful. He doesnt have to suffer anymore...no more med's, no more needles.

He was only 10 years old...He slept with me everynight, and at 7:30pm I had better be on the sofa! he would jump up and sit with me all night. Oh the pain, oh the pain...it hurts so much. Thanks for listening...

[taffya]

Hi Steve and hi guest also,

I cannot stay away from this place. I've been living in pain since October when my little Shih Tzu died of cancer. As with many of you, it's difficult to find people who understand this loss. People I know said, "I'm sorry" and then forgot about it. I can't forget and never will. But beyondindigo helps - there are people here who do care even if they don't know you and your pet.

Steve, your poem about Helen helped me. I'm so glad there are so many pets in this world who are loved so much. I feel so much pain for the loss of Guest's Forest Gump. I too believe that pets show so much love and caring. Most human beings cannot and will not show that kind of love. Pet love is so special.

I'm at work now, thinking of my little Mustafa and how much we loved each other. I'm so happy to be able to take a break and come here and know there are so many kind caring people and pets in this world.

Taffy in Miami

[steve618]

Guest .... I feel for you and know just how you are feeling. As taffya says it is nice to know there are others out there who understand what it is like. It sounds like you did everything you could have done for Forest Gump and its is a mark of the pain you feel of that special bond that can develop that goes beyond being just a pet as many will see it.

People say that the pain gets easier and I think it probally does but as taffya also says we will never forget.

It is nice to know there are lovely kind hearted people like you in the world. Take care and my thoughts are with you.

Steve x

[totercat]

Hello To All:

I want to thank you for responding to the loss of my best buddy Forest Gump.

It has been one week. I think the hardest is to find anyone who feels like I do.It is so nice to come to this site and find compasion. The pain one feels is horrible. I still cry constantly when I think of him. I miss him so much.

I hate the weekends, when I am not working, all I do is think of him. I have faith that it will get easier. I know I am different, because just about everyone I am in contact with, doesnt love animals like I do. It makes it hard.

Susan

[Guest Guest]

It will be 5 years April 10th since the loss of my beloved best friend Mugs (black pekingnese..Sir Mogwai Of Wild Goose Point). There was a series of events those 5 years ago...my younger brother died of colon cancer, Mugs passed on, we sold our big house to downsize and moved to a manufactured home village..no dogs allowed. I think something is wrong with me as I still feel a tremendous greiving. Mugs knew all my secrets, he listened with a patient ear, he was my constant companion no matter what I was doing. We spent many hours in our yard and he laid and watched me garden and was the sentry at our gate. He loved all who passed by and all he met. When we walked he joyously greeted the neighbors and they all had pats and sometimes treats just for him. He comforted me when my body ached (I have Fibromyalgia)or when I was sad. Always happy. never mean. He lived his life with zest and fullness. His later years may have slowed his body down but not his spirit. When time took it's toll, we said good-bye together as Dr. helped him to his final sleep. I held him in my arms choosing not to abandon him at his last moments. We had shared too much for that to happen. It's been 5 years and yet the hole in my heart remains empty never to be filled. All I have are wonderful memories of the years I spent with my best and loyal friend. I still cry at times and want him back so bad. Am I crazy?

[msmogwai]

It will be 5 years April 10th since the loss of my beloved best friend Mugs (black pekingnese..Sir Mogwai Of Wild Goose Point). There was a series of events those 5 years ago...my younger brother died of colon cancer, Mugs passed on after 15 years, we sold our big house to downsize and moved to a manufactured home village..no dogs allowed. I think something is wrong with me as I still feel a tremendous greiving. Mugs knew all my secrets, he listened with a patient ear, he was my constant companion no matter what I was doing. We spent many hours in our yard and he laid and watched me garden and was the sentry at our gate. He loved all who passed by and all he met. When we walked he joyously greeted the neighbors and they all had pats and sometimes treats just for him. He comforted me when my body ached (I have Fibromyalgia)or when I was sad. Always happy. never mean. He lived his life with zest and fullness. His later years may have slowed his body down but not his spirit. When time took it's toll, we said good-bye together as Dr. helped him to his final sleep. I held him in my arms choosing not to abandon him at his last moments. We had shared too much for that to happen. It's been 5 years and yet the hole in my heart remains empty never to be filled. All I have are wonderful memories of the years I spent with my best and loyal friend. I still cry at times and want him back so bad. Am I crazy?

[msmogwai]

I love your poem, Steve. Even after having moved since the loss of my dog, I still feel his presence here at the new house and it has been five years for me. I guess some things just never leave us.

I think it is all part of the bereievment process we go through. I still feel empty. It could be other losses in the past still there and this has just brought them to the fore again. I find I cant sleep and concentrate on work. Reading that you have also been through similar emotions helps. I had some lovely messages from Maria as well who had to say good bye to her cat. I wrote a silly little poem for an online peetry competition not that I have ever been any good at poety but have to do somthng with the sleepless nights.

Helen's Chair

No one sits in Helen's chair

it is empty and she isnt there

I just stand or sit elsewhere

rather than sit in Helen's chair.

Helen's chair positioned just so

beside the fire all a glow

it views the hills beyond the yard

to see it empty is so hard

I dont sit in Helen's chair

it is empty and she isnt there

she has been taken to another place

but I leave it empty just in case

Steve

[brujablanca]

Has anyone experienced any pet illnesses due to the massive pet food recall? I have 5 dogs and they all have special diets. I thought I was doing the right thing by getting them good brand dog food, but most of what i feed them has been recalled. Anyone been affected by this?

[taffya]

To Guest - I login here from time to time ever since I lost my wonderful doggie, Mustafa, to cancer in October last year. Sometimes I just have respond to some of you who are suffering because I suffer every single day and I think I will forever.

You lost Mugs 5 years ago and are still suffering. I believe I too will still be suffering Mus' loss in five years, for the rest of my life. Some days I can hardly bear it. I cry every day. I think the love for a pet is just something so special, so perfect. They have such short lives. We get them when they're babies and then they died before we do (usually). You're not crazy. Your feelings are normal. I think people who don't have these feelings for animals are crazy.

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry the place where you live won't allow pets. You can't ever replace a pet, but sometimes having another can help the pain.

Taffy

It will be 5 years April 10th since the loss of my beloved best friend Mugs (black pekingnese..Sir Mogwai Of Wild Goose Point). There was a series of events those 5 years ago...my younger brother died of colon cancer, Mugs passed on, we sold our big house to downsize and moved to a manufactured home village..no dogs allowed. I think something is wrong with me as I still feel a tremendous greiving. Mugs knew all my secrets, he listened with a patient ear, he was my constant companion no matter what I was doing. We spent many hours in our yard and he laid and watched me garden and was the sentry at our gate. He loved all who passed by and all he met. When we walked he joyously greeted the neighbors and they all had pats and sometimes treats just for him. He comforted me when my body ached (I have Fibromyalgia)or when I was sad. Always happy. never mean. He lived his life with zest and fullness. His later years may have slowed his body down but not his spirit. When time took it's toll, we said good-bye together as Dr. helped him to his final sleep. I held him in my arms choosing not to abandon him at his last moments. We had shared too much for that to happen. It's been 5 years and yet the hole in my heart remains empty never to be filled. All I have are wonderful memories of the years I spent with my best and loyal friend. I still cry at times and want him back so bad. Am I crazy?

[Guest Guest]

I'm crying as I am reading ... my dog is not responding, not eating, and she is 17. I am trying to decide whether to take herr to the vet or wait a few days. Either way, it's time. She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, and I give her a little water through a syringe, but I don't know what to do because I have not had other pets. She has been my best best friend for so long. I don't know what I will do without her.

[Edmund]

when skunky my cat was sick before X-mas i asked Mom to take her to heaven to be w/ her & the next day i came home from work & skunky was gone...ed

[Guest Guest]

I'm crying as I am reading ... my dog is not responding, not eating, and she is 17. I am trying to decide whether to take herr to the vet or wait a few days. Either way, it's time. She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, and I give her a little water through a syringe, but I don't know what to do because I have not had other pets. She has been my best best friend for so long. I don't know what I will do without her.

[Guest Guest]

Sorry for the length of this post, but if feels a little cathartic. My dog was just diagnosed with severe diabetes and after much soul searching I had him put to sleep. I feel incredibly guilty about it. How could I do such a thing to my little man? Yes he was in pain, old, high maintenance and had other health and behavoir issues. The final straw was that I could not cope with or afford the diabetic treatments. I thought about it for as long as possible and tried to be realistic. My vet is into holistic treatment and I feel like he disapproved. He wanted to try 'chinese herbs' as a final option, but I've been down that path before (to control his agressive nature) with no result. I couldn't bare to see him in pain. I am single, and inconsolable. My family is far away, and my friends don't understand. I feel only incredible guilt, sadness and despair, and phsysically ill. Whenever I was sad he would lay with me and make me feel ok, and thats the worse part. He's not here because of me, and so no-one or no thing will take my pain away. Everything is compounded and complicated because I feel like the last decade of my life has flashed before my eyes. My marriage, his birth, my divorce, all sorts of joys and pains and memories. I feel like a whole part of me died with him, so its like two deaths. Will this ever get better?

[taffya]

To guest with message of March 29 -

I continue to log-in here since October when I had my dying dog put to sleep.Sometimes I respond to messages that especially touch me. Guest, I'm so sorry about your dog and I understand so well how you feel. I too feel guilty about putting my Mustafa to sleep. I don't believe in doing such things and never believed I would. Then I finally followed the advice of the vet and some friends who thought he SHOULD be put to sleep because of his terminal cancer. He could no longer walk and had lost half his body weight.

One morning, I panicked and took him to be euthanized and I know I'll never ever be able to forgive myself.

I miss him and I took his life away from him. Who dreamed up the idea of euthanization anyway?

Anyway, what I've learned is it's over. You can't do it over. You probably did take away his pain. Who knows what would have happened if you hadn't done this? And now you're suffering.

And no one understands except a few people who come here.

All I can say is give it time. The severe pain will calm down over time. Let yourself grieve. Slowly, slowly, you will feel a bit better, but you'll never forget your doggie. I'll never forget mine.

I'm so sorry.

[ladyhitchhiker]

I know I almost always write my own writing, put down my poems, but I found some lyrics that feel exactly how I still feel about my Kami Kazi I put to sleep in 2004... except that I would never have had him leave me, if I'd had the power. I'm sure you have all probably heard it. It's be Evanescence.. It is called "My Immortal." It makes me cry every time I hear it.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

'Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating life

Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

[Guest Guest]

I'm crying as I am reading ... my dog is not responding, not eating, and she is 17. I am trying to decide whether to take herr to the vet or wait a few days. Either way, it's time. She doesn't seem to be in too much pain, and I give her a little water through a syringe, but I don't know what to do because I have not had other pets. She has been my best best friend for so long. I don't know what I will do without her.

I understand how it feels.. as I just had to put my dog to sleep yesterday and he was 17 and a half.. he could not walk or eat or drink anymore... It hurts to not have him in my life anymore..yet I could see he had no kind of life I would wish apon him.. I wish every minute he was back and healthy, as I can see him laying in everyroom of my home.. It brings tears to my eyes not seeing him and being able to pet him and hug him anymore. I feel so empty and lost..I have had him in my life since I was 20 and move out on my own and we have been through so much together.. He has always given me the unconditional love I needed and now I don't know what to do without it..I miss him so much, it hurts everywhere inside me. My buddy Teddy is gone now and I wish i could bring him back.