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How Cancer Haunts


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One of the things you're taught when battling leukemia is to count days and mark dates.

7 days of 24hr/day chemo - then 7 days to bone marrow biopsy - then 3 days until full biopsy results .....

Then begin again, and again, and again.....

Conditioning chemo starts day -7, transplant day 0, new cells should appear around day 12, bone marrow biopsy day 100, bone marrow biopsy day 180.... We never got to day 180

One year ago today my husband was accepted into a stem cell transplant program. I can still hear the doctoring saying "transplant or palliative/hospice... no other alternatives". Our odds were not good due to chromosome abnormalities but we were convinced we would be a success story. Our success was that we had 7 more months.

My heart is breaking today thinking about all the hope we had January 2013 and the complete void of hope that I have now. I know you understand.... Today is day 174 without my Tom.

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I do understand (as far as anyone can).

I suppose we were lucky. We never got a diagnosis before she died suddenly from a brain tumor. When I was talking to the Dr after the autopsy he said that if we'd known 6 months earlier it would probably have just been 7 months of surgeries, hospitals, anxiety, scans, surgeries, radiation ... and be in the same place.

So while it was a (this years understatement) shock we had quality up to the day she flew home to visit her parents (and didn't make it there).

My journey has been about finding peace for myself without out any sacrifice of the intensity of love that I have for her or pretending anything didn't happen. I personally have felt the last few weeks has been a change of accumulation for the better (expect that I'll collapse again tomorrow).

best wishes.

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I totally understand your disappointment. My husband was a heart/kidney transplant patient. He got his transplants in 2003. In 2012 he developed Aspergillis pneumonia (sp?). It is pretty much limited to people who have compromised immune systems. He was in the hospital from 9/1/12 to 1/2/13 at which time he had made a recovery and was transferred to a physical rehab to regain muscle. He died after midnight in the early morning hours of 1/4/13. I was crushed. I really believed that we had beat this crap and we were on the home stretch. So yeah, I totally understand your disappointment. I am a religious person and I told his doctors that they have gotten so good at healing that they are in essence playing tug-of-war with God. It was Jerry's time to go and God just had to tug a little harder. Still it sucks though.

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Thank you... Each day brings challenges and memories, don't they... And there's no predicting how we handle those days, we just deal with what comes. Yesterday was okay, today is terrible, tomorrow who knows.

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missingpieces

I lost my best friend July 6th 2011 to leukemia. Its really a horrible disease.

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