I am just

[georgie713]

Before I start this I need to let everyone know I am not looking for sympathy or understanding.  I only want to vent.

My mom died at the beginning of the year.  The single most devestating event of my life.  I will never stop missing or longing to talk to her nad just say I am soo sorry and I love her.  My mom and I had a difficult and loving relationship.  I never knew what my mom was about when she was alive.  My parents had a very rocky marriage to say the least and divorce when I was 12.  I was also such a daddy's girl and I took his side many times although I denied this on several occasions.  My mother was always there, always.  She would send us gifts and sign his name so we would think that he cared and was thinking about us.  After three years of not seeing him I was excited when he finally called and never quite understood why my sisters refused to speak to him.  I was there too and never thought it was so bad that i should never talk to him like they did.  I bent to my fathers wishes on a dime but would fight my mom every step of the way on every issue there was. i had to win the arguement, i could never give in.  I could be in a good mood and her mere present would make me so mad I couldn't stand it.  She had changed after my parents divorce and even more so after her parents and only sibling died.  i would look at what she became and get so angry becasue the woman i knew growing up was gone and this person who took her place was half the woman. I never understood or saw what was right in front of me.  i never saw her or understood her, that is until she died.  Now here I am I rarely speak to my father.  Before my mom died I spoke to him nearly once a week.  My sister told me that my mom felt sorry for me because of the way i chased after my dad (I was not exactly his favorite...he neevr really believed I was his and treated me as such).  Did I mention my dad is an ass?  This was not a new revelation I have always seen this about him but choose to over look it.  Don't misunderstand I love my dad I just have nothing left for him.  He has begun this new thing about how things use to be.  He speaks like things weren't that bad like he is remembering through rose colored glasses.  I just want to smack those glasses right from his eyes and give him a good dose of reality along with a good hard punch to the nose.  It really isn;t him I am mad at.  It is myself for being such a moron.  It took me until I was 37 to really see him.  It is like a veil was lifted from my eyes when my mom died and I understood so much about her.  So much that i never saw before.  I no longer see her as a victim or lazy but a survivor, a very strong survivor. She lost her mom, then her dad 2 years later, then her sister two years after her dad, then her cat a year after that.  I mention the cat becasue that was the proveribal straw that broke the camels back. I realize now that when my mom died I lost the only person that ever loved me for me and never wanted anything but my love in return.  I lost my anchor, the one I never really understood that i had until she was gone and I was sent adrift.

 

I am so lost with out her.  I just really need to tell her I see, I get it now, I love you, and please come back ( wishful thinking I know). I maybe 37 but I want my mommy, I want her to hold me and tell me everything is is going to be ok.

[connorsmom]

((hugs)) to you.  Your story is very similar to mine.  Just add that there hasn't been contact with dad since my teens.  Mom did it all.  It's six months today since she's been gone and I want my mommy too.  I feel lonely and empty at times even surrounded by a group.  It's such a surreal feeling.

Try to do something for you today.  I find that when I'm busy; it's a bit easier.  Yesterday I just shopped for flowers.  Putting them around my house really helped.  Take it minute by minute; day by day.  I've suffered some major losses and know that there are good days and bad.  Just give into the bad moments; but don't let it be a bad day.  I fight it and it does get a little easier and better.

Vent anytime you need to.  Unfortunately we all understand.  I just wrote to my mom's old co-workers and friends asking them to share memories.  I want to make a scrapbook for my child so that he can remember his grandmother.

J.

 

 

 

[stacyc]

hi I lost my mom in feb. I was 29 and Its been about 6 months now. I know how you feel about wanting the simple things like a hug. I would do anything for one, or to hear her say she loves me one more time. Its so hard I really understand. I wish my son could have had a chance to get to know her better he's only 2yrs old. My husband and I tried for another last month and I had a miscarriage. It really was hard to deal with because I wanted her to be there to tell me it was ok and hug me. It was tough going through that without her. She was always there for me. How do we move on when the person who was such a HUGE part of your life passes. I want to believe in heaven so bad in hopes that we can be together again one day. I m so sorry your feeling sad, my heart truly does go out to you. Its the hardest thing.

[perfectfan]

Hugs to all, our mothers are with us, looking after us.  I feel extremely lost and lonely without her, but there are days I feel she's just besides me.  I have my bad days too and they truly suck but I trust that each moment is transient.

My prayers are with you all. =)

[mydoot]

Georgie713, I completely understand what you are going through.  My Mom was an angel of a person that I never took the time to really understand her as a person until she left.  She was only 55 and I just turned 30.  I never thought I would lose her.  I only saw her as my MOm and expected her to always do things for me and do what I wanted.  I would fight with her all of the time if she didn't agree with me or she would try to give me advice.  I always said she was trying to tell me what to do  When in reality she was trying to help me not make mistakes that she probably made along the road of life.  She was sharing her experiences.  I never asked her about herself or her life and now I will never get to know her for who she really was.  All I know was her as my Mom.  The woman who no matter what was always there for me.  The woman that loved me without hesitation.  The one who didn't care what I did or said because the love was unconditional...  The one I made cry too many times because I was too stubborn to be wrong.  I miss her so much.  I will give any possession I have ever had for one more minute.  One minute to say goodbye and that I love her and that I am SO SORRY for everything I have ever said and done to her.  How sorry I am for not believing she was sick.  How grateful I am that I had her as a mom.  God, I would even live the rest of my life without any limbs if I could just have that last minute to say goodbye and tell her I love her and I'm sorry...  Everyday I have cried for the last 10 weeks.  Everyday I pray she knows how sorry I am and how much I love her.

Hugs to all.  Life will never be the same.  Our children will never get to see our Moms again.  We'll never get that hug that makes the pain go away again.  We'll never hear I love you from our Moms again...  But their pain is gone and they are all dancing in Heaven.  That is the only comfort I can find.  Mom, I love you!

[perfectfan]

I totally agreed with what you said.  I fought and quarrel with her, and I never really get to understand her.  I know bits and drabs of her life stories but I've always known her as my mum. =)

[mydoot]

Perfectfan, yes, it sucks that we didn't get the chance to know our moms for who they were.  I keep imagining what it would be like if she was still alive.  I have visions of when my kids are old enough to play on their own and my Mom and I could sit and visit without constant interruptions again.  I haven't really been able to hang out with her for the last three years because of my kids.  Whenever she would come over I would be scrambling to get things done that I couldn't do while I was alone with the kids...  For the last three years I barely had the time to just sit and be with her.  I miss talking to her so much.  I even miss our fights.  I hated fighting, but I would give anything even if it were just that.  My Mom was so wonderful.  I don't know what any of her hopes or dreams were for her life besides being a Mom and a Grandma.  She finally got her grandbabies and she barely got to know them before God took her away...  I miss my angel.  She was the best person in the world.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  Take comfort in knowing that your mom was probably so proud to see her baby(you)become such a great mom,I'm sure she understood how busy you were with your little ones.I would have given anything to see my mom as a grandma-that was her dream.I always imagined having kids,and having my mom be there at their school events,all of us going to the zoo together,the beach etc...she would have been an awsome grandma!It's amazing how you can have plans for your life,but life has it's own plans and can turn your world upside down at any given moment-it's so unfair sometimes! Thinking of you-Butterfly

[stacyc]

I have to say that I sadly enough can realte. my mom (Eileen) moved in with me when she first got sick (last april) she was just doing radiation sooo... it was still ok she was there with my 1yr old son (at the time) helping me out when she can, and we were able to do SOME things together but by june she started intence chemotherapy and she fell fast. She was tired, sick and had so much pain in her bones. My little man had no idea and so his needs never changed. it was so hard caring for my mom and my one yr. at the time. It was insane I thought my head was going to explode somtimes. I had to care for for my mom and my son would have to wait or vice versa. I wish I could have had more QUALITY time with my mom. It makes me so upset. before she was sick she was the best nanna, and seeing her with my son was the greatest. I hate that my johnny and mom only got one good yr. she was eventually so sick in the last months that not only was she sicker on the inside but looking alot different on the outside too, so different that my son was afraid to go near her. I could see the pain in my moms face when he would run away, it breaks my heart. just writng these wourds make me want to cry. I'm learning to deal with it (well trying) but it's not the same without her. This thurs. will be exactly 6months since her passing. I'm dreading that day. My heart goes out to all of you.

[mydoot]

Yes, I was lucky that my Mom got to meet my kids, but she never got to enjoy them.  And worst yet is that they will probably never remember her...  She was so sick and tired the last few years that she just had no energy.  My Mom had been there for me and literally did EVERYTHING for me my entire life.  AND I accused her of not wanting to see me or my kids.  I don't k now why I would abandon her when she needed me most.  Why on God's Earth would I accuse the woman that never put herself before me and wanted my kids more anything of not wanting to see me or them.  There was nothing that would have kept my Mom away from them unless she physically couldn't.  Sadly now I know that that is the case.  I hate those !%@#-ing doctors for not knowing what was wrong with her and not fixing her.  For years she went to different doctors telling them she was sick and no one believed her.  She was literally in 5 or 6 different hospitals over the years for various reasons and not one of them figured out what was wrong with....

Now, my 55 year old Mom is dead and no one has any answers.  The autopsy says unknown cause of death.  She suffered the last few years of her life in pain and extreme fatgiue, but worse yet is that we all abandoned her.  None of us thought she was sick because we thought with all of the doctors she was seeing, they would have to have found what was making her sick if it were real.  So we all questioned her and fought with her to get up and do something.  She just laid there and cried so many days because no one believed her and now I can't tell her how sorry I am.  I can't tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her and how terrible I feel.  I can't thank her for EVERYTHING she did for me and my kids.  She pulled herself out of bed at least once a week to see my babies, but I didn't think it was enough.  Now I know how much it took for her to just accomplish that.  I just want to know why the 10+ doctors never found anything, why all of the hospitals never found anything, why NO ONE believed her....

I'm sorry I am venting.  Hugs to all.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  God,I can relate to everything you say.For the last few years my mom was always saying how she didn't feel good.In Feb.I got a few gift certificates to some nice restaurants,when I asked my mom to go out to eat with me she would say''No,I don't feel good,and I don't have an appetite."I would accuse her of using that as an excuse,that she needed to start getting out again.We got into alot of arguments because I would tell her I'm tired of hearing how she never feels good,why can't the Dr.s find anything wrong with you?She was in the hosp.last Aug.for a broken leg,the Dr's said she was ok,even though she kept saying she always felt sick.I would tell her-you're 59 going on 90,you need to get out with people again,she would cry and say,"You don't believe me,I'm sick."When I was going through fertitlity treatments,my mom would say"If you get pregnant,I just pray I'm able to be there for you,to help you."When I would ask her why wouldn't she be there,she would just say"I always feel sick,and I don't know why."I honestly got so used to hearing her say that she was sick,that I would ignore it alot and think -she's been saying that for a few years now,she will be ok.I never thought she would die.Like your mom-we don't know what was wrong with her,but I believe,in her heart,that she knew she was dying,and that just breaks my heart!She suffered not feeling good for so long,and now I'm suffering without her in my life.  Love Butterfly

[mydoot]

Dear Butterfly, exactly.  Towards the end, I used to ignore my Mom when she said she was sick.  I stopped asking her how she was all of the time because it just made me mad and I didn't feel like hearing it anymore.  Obviously I did sometimes...  The doctors found nothing, so nothing must be wrong.  How far from the truth that was.  I hate myself most because I was starting to think "Maybe it would be easier if she wasn't around."  NOT that I wanted her to die, but that I was so sick of the negativity and of hearing her complain that she was sick...  God, I just wish I believed her and helped her instead of fighting with her.

I wrote her a letter in February that I look back at and it just kills me.  I said it felt like she was already dead and just rotting there.  (I got pretty cruel the last couple of years just trying to snap her out of whatever was wrong...)  I said if she didn't try getting up and doing something she was going to die.  Well, she did, but it wasn't because she didn't get out of bed.  It was because of the incompetence of all of the doctors and hospitals in my area.  She was at the doctor almost every month the last few years and no one found out was wrong...  She was in the hospital for literally months at a time multiple times a year and they found nothing...

May we all find peace someday.  I know my peace will not come until I meet my Mom in Heaven.  Only then can I know that she will hear me tell her I am sorry and I can hold her again.  I tell her I love her everyday and how sorry I am.  I hope she can hear me now, too...  God Bless.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  I got pretty cruel too,especially this last year.My mom would try to do a few things around the house,she would call me,so proud of herself,and tell me she just planted a few flowers or she just cleaned the kitchen floor etc..She would always say"I'm trying to do a little something each day."I would always think-big deal,at her age she should be doing so much more.I never realized how hard it must have been for her,I never gave her any credit.I hear co-workers talking about their 80yr.old parents going fishing,or on vacation,and I would always think how nice it must be to have older parents that are doing so much(I was jealous)I had the youngest mom,yet she couldn't do anything.Even my co-workers were always asking"Your mom is so young,why isn't she still working?Or "What does your mom do all day?"Now I feel like screaming at them"See,she was sick!!"On June 7,I guess God decided that our moms should be free from their suffering for good-maybe they have become good friends in heaven.I hope they know how much we love,respect and miss them!  Love  Butterfly

 

 

 

 

 

[mydoot]

Butterfly, I sure hope so.  Every day I tell my Mom how much I love her and how sorry I am.  I hope she hears me.  I know if their is a Heaven that God will at least have someone pass along the message.  I know my Mom forgives me (as does yours.)  I still don't feel any better about it, though because I was the one who was wrong and made her suffering worse instead of better.

I did the same thing as you.  My Mom would be proud that she was making over to my house once a week and I was like that's not enough.  My friends' Moms would take the kids over night or come over a few times a week.  I never gave her credit.

I'm sure our Moms are friends now.  It seems they both suffered the last few years, but God took them the same day.  What time did your Mom die (if you don't mind me asking...?)

TimesRemembered - If you are in this forum, I have read your posts elsewhere...  I am so sorry for your loss.  It must be hard getting ready for college without your mom.

Love to all.

[butterfly13]

mydoot- My mom died at 9:10 A.M.(how about yours?)which is ironic,she was a morning person and in the past,when she felt better,Saturday mornings we spent together.Every Sat.morning since she died I look at the clock at 9:10 and feel overwhelming sadness.Today at work,one of my co-workers said"You look like you are doing good,we were so afraid that you would never be the same again."I wanted to scream at her"Doing good?You don't see me every morning when I have to wait 5mins.to put my makeup on because the tears won't stop,you don't see me driving to work,yelling out to my mom how much I love her and miss her,you don't see me get up from my desk,go into the bathroom and cry so hard that I feel like I can't breathe,and you don't see me cry myself to sleep every night because my best friend is gone forever!!"Inside,I'm not doing good at all,actually,every day I miss her more and more-I want to see her smile,I want to hear her voice,I want to hug her one more time!!I will never be the same person I was when I had her in my life. Hugs to you-Butterfly

[mydoot]

Butterfly, my God.  Our Mom's had almost the exact same time of death...  Although I am central time - not sure where you are.  They declared my Mom dead at 9:11am.  I hate it when I look at the clock at that time.  I just freeze for a minute and everything comes flashing back.  I too will never be the same.  My Mom was my best friend.  My only friend at times when my life seemed like it was falling apart, although I know now that nothing could ever compare to the true worst moment of my life - when my Mom died.

I hate when people ask me how I am, which they always do.  They don't know what else to say or do.  I always reply alright because I can't tell them I am dead inside because no understands.  Now I have no one I can count on to always be there for me, to comfort me and to love me unconditionally.  No one to tell me I deserve more in life and to not put up with things I didn't like...

I understand you crying yourself to sleep.  I do that too every night.  Last night I was up until 3am because I kept thinking of her and could not stop bawling.  I cry at least once a day, many days more than that.  Especially when I am alone.  That is the hardest.  Then I realize how truly alone I am.  Hugs to you and to all.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-How strange,I am Eastern time(NJ)but still,we have gone through so many of the exact same experiences.I don't remember much of that day,I just know I was in shock and couldn't believe she was really gone,actually,I think sometimes I am in some denial still.Last night,I suddenly had to see a picture of her,I never want to forget anything about her,even if I live to be an old lady(I'm in my 30's)I want to remember everything about her.I miss calling her for advice on even the stupid little things.I know that in one of your other posts you said you went to a median,I have been thinking about doing this,did you get any comfort from this?My biggest thing is,I just want to truly believe that her spirit does exist somewhere,and that she is happy and content where she is,and that some day I will be reunited with her,I want to believe this so bad.I think of her constantly,it doesn't matter what I'm doing-I'm thinking of her.Sometimes I can't believe she left me,we should have had so much more time with our moms!!  Hugs to you-Butterfly

 

 

 

[stacyc]

Today is 6 months since my mom passed as well. I went to her cemetary yesterday and left some flowers. I still find myself in shock everytime I go, and can't believe that I'm there??? I woke up this morning and could not get over the fact that its been a half a yr. already. I can still remember the moment she stopped breathing like it was yesterday. I was sleeping on the couch in the living room and my moms hospice bed was right next to me. The nurse I hired to stay awake to care for my mom at night woke me up around 4am and said "her breathing is changing, I think its starting to happen" I jumped up grabbed her hand and started to cry my eyes out. I know I SHOULD have been saying its ok mom just let go......but, I did not I was crying and screaming "please don't go, PLEASE don't leave me". I just don't understand it yet, I can't get over this feeling I miss her so much. I know she wanted to be a nanna for my son more then anything and I feel like she was robbed of that. He will never know how unbelievable she was, how funny she could be, how great her cooking is (especially her cheesecake soo.. good), how smart and elegant she was.  "Mom, I'm thinking of you today and miss you more then anything. I carry your heart in my heart ME LOVE. I'll have my cup of tea today I promise!

YOUR LITTLE COLD NOSE.

 

[mydoot]

Butterfly - Yes, the medium did provide some comfort.  I have the session on tape and I played it for my Dad and my husband.  They both thought it was a pretty good indication that she is still around and able to communicate, but for me it wasn't quite what I was looking for.  I wanted her to tell me that she knew I was sorry or that she heard me tell her I was sorry everyday...  That's all I didn't get.  The medium said that spirits don't have those angry or sad feelings any more, so she wouldn't bring that up.  From everything I have read about Heaven on mediums and such, they all say the same thing.

She did hit some points right on the head, though.  She knew how my Mom died, which no one could have known unless they knew me or her or her family.  My Mom was 55, so for her to say that was a shocker.  She also knew what I looked like and all of the pictures of me on the internet have a different color hair.  She also described my Mom as having beautiful eyes and knew what my Grandma looked like.  She also got names and such, too.  It was over the phone, so she couldn't know looks very well.  I don't know if she saw an online obituary or not, but she also named almost all of my Mom's brothers and sisters.  She also told me what month my Dad's birthday was in and the name of one of our old dogs.  The more I am writing down, the more it seems to be real...  I don't know.  I want to call her again.  I will send you her info via a private message so it doesn't look like I am advertising.

Yes, our experiences seem to be quie similar.  I just turned 30 this year, now I have WAY too many years ahead of me without my Mom.

Stacy - I am sure your mom loved the flowers.

[butterfly13]

mydoot-  Thanks,I would really like the info.on that median.She really sounded like she was on target with alot of things.It's funny bacause as I'm writing this the show Crossing Over with the median John Edward just came on tv.I find myself drawn to this stuff now-trying to believe,trying to get answers.

stacy- 6 months is so long to be without your mom(almost 3 for me)unfortunately,we have so much more time to try and get through-literally day by day.I wasn't with my mom when she died,but I know I would have done the same thing as you-screaming please don't go!It's the hardest thing in the world,to let go of someone you love so much,someone who has always been there for you.I still haven't been able to go to my moms house,the thought of it gets me panicky,I just can't picture her not being there.  

May we all find strenghth to go on-Butterfly