Members georgie713 Posted August 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 5, 2008 Before I start this I need to let everyone know I am not looking for sympathy or understanding. I only want to vent.My mom died at the beginning of the year. The single most devestating event of my life. I will never stop missing or longing to talk to her nad just say I am soo sorry and I love her. My mom and I had a difficult and loving relationship. I never knew what my mom was about when she was alive. My parents had a very rocky marriage to say the least and divorce when I was 12. I was also such a daddy's girl and I took his side many times although I denied this on several occasions. My mother was always there, always. She would send us gifts and sign his name so we would think that he cared and was thinking about us. After three years of not seeing him I was excited when he finally called and never quite understood why my sisters refused to speak to him. I was there too and never thought it was so bad that i should never talk to him like they did. I bent to my fathers wishes on a dime but would fight my mom every step of the way on every issue there was. i had to win the arguement, i could never give in. I could be in a good mood and her mere present would make me so mad I couldn't stand it. She had changed after my parents divorce and even more so after her parents and only sibling died. i would look at what she became and get so angry becasue the woman i knew growing up was gone and this person who took her place was half the woman. I never understood or saw what was right in front of me. i never saw her or understood her, that is until she died. Now here I am I rarely speak to my father. Before my mom died I spoke to him nearly once a week. My sister told me that my mom felt sorry for me because of the way i chased after my dad (I was not exactly his favorite...he neevr really believed I was his and treated me as such). Did I mention my dad is an ass? This was not a new revelation I have always seen this about him but choose to over look it. Don't misunderstand I love my dad I just have nothing left for him. He has begun this new thing about how things use to be. He speaks like things weren't that bad like he is remembering through rose colored glasses. I just want to smack those glasses right from his eyes and give him a good dose of reality along with a good hard punch to the nose. It really isn;t him I am mad at. It is myself for being such a moron. It took me until I was 37 to really see him. It is like a veil was lifted from my eyes when my mom died and I understood so much about her. So much that i never saw before. I no longer see her as a victim or lazy but a survivor, a very strong survivor. She lost her mom, then her dad 2 years later, then her sister two years after her dad, then her cat a year after that. I mention the cat becasue that was the proveribal straw that broke the camels back. I realize now that when my mom died I lost the only person that ever loved me for me and never wanted anything but my love in return. I lost my anchor, the one I never really understood that i had until she was gone and I was sent adrift. I am so lost with out her. I just really need to tell her I see, I get it now, I love you, and please come back ( wishful thinking I know). I maybe 37 but I want my mommy, I want her to hold me and tell me everything is is going to be ok. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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