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my moms b day is tomorrow


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my mom passed last year in june her b day is august 3rd tomorrow - i hurt so much - the last time i ever saw her was when they took her out of here in a death gourney she passed at home as she wanted - they covered her up with a thick deep blue blanket - and that was it - the state insurance medicare etc didnt pay for more that to pick her up and bury her - no viewing ever again etc - i wish that there had been a viewing so badly -  a way to say good bye one last time -  but there wasnt one at all - i didnt have extra $ for it and the state doesnt pay for that - i live on disability bc of crippling arthritus in my knees and feet - i am home bound most of the time - 

i am so young to be in this position i am only 34 but my body feels like 70 -

anyhow i miss her so much - when she took her last breath i was in the process of changing her shirt - so she was naked as she passed just from the chest up but still

it makes me feel so badly bc she was very modest -   as i was changing her she was taking her last breath's 3 of them -- and i froze unable to move or do anything at all but stand there in silence - i didnt want to disturb her or the process she was going thru - i didnt want to frighten her and scream mommy ! even in my heart i was screaming mommy !!

i woke up yesterday and today and had to cry - thank God for my  boyfriend who lives with me i just recently in june met him and he moved in a few weeks ago - his situation with his older male room mates was not working out at all - it was on the verge of a fight - not him he's mild mannered but them -- they were on the verge of telling him to leave or fighting around with him -- he would never fight any 1 ever - hes very gentle and mild -  but the room mates worked long hours and he couldnt talk on his phone unless he went like a little child and sat in the closet, because he shared his room with another guy that was very hard to get along with at all -- it was just ridiculous - and when he went and sat in his closet to talk it upset the other men bc they were jealous of him then even more - bc he had a girl friend and they didnt have 1 at all - they just worked and went home every single day etc -

it was unbearable for him and for me to bc i cared for him so much - they would argue with him for no reason at all etc they wanted him out of there - those other men acted like 70 yr old's (work and then bed, work and then bed)  -- he acted like a normal young man his age he is 38 i am 34

and he wanted to talk to me on the phone like normal people but that enraged them also-  i guess there were just too many men in that place - 6 men in a 2 bed room apt - none of them had great paying jobs so it was the best that they could do

but still not a good living situation at all - plus when ever he went to the fridge the main guy there had a fit - he acted like a real nut - well i think he was - he was so afraid of my little skinny guy finding a egg or a piece of bread to eat etc -

my guy  when he came here was so malnurished from living there with those guys - he couldnt afford to bring home food bc they would eat it all - and there wasnt a  decent place to eat near him - so he went hungrey a lot -  when he got here he was so low on potassium - he sweated constantly  and felt sickly and his heart would beat all the time so hard out of his cheat - i gave him some of my potassium pills over the counter and hes improved a ton - hes not sweating like that anymore at all and his heart beat is normal now --  when i would lay my head on cheat i could hear his beating so hard and now its normal -- he doesnt have any insurance at the moment and is starting a new job on monday but when he works there for a bit he can go to a dr and get checked out - i know thats what every 1 will say to do and i agree but on limited $$ its very hard to go to a dr right this second -- but he is improving and is also taking mens vitamins as well --


anyways i am sorry for rambling but just needed to vent for a bit  - he sleeps in my moms room and i sleep in mine- but in the night before we go to sleep and in the early morning i go over there and lay with him for a bit and cry on his shoulder if i need to -- and he understands thank God he is very kind and understanding --

i thank God every day that i found such a genuine & sweet & kind & loving man -

i met him moco space - my girlfriend met hers there too LOL and is married now ! so fast she met her guy 2 months ago and married him already -

i want to get married to but bc of my disability check i cant - i would lose out big time and my guy has a injured back from a very serious car accident a few years ago so its not like hes wealthy and can take care of me - i would never expect that at all -

so its very hard - i want to do things right in the eyes of God but how ? there is simply no way to be married and still get my disability check - and please dont think i am worthless or lazy - i have had a few rude people say that to me on another site

i have crippling arthritus and cant walk far at all and have to come home and sit - i hate it so much - i just feel so worthless & old - my body in my feet & knees feels like a 70 yr old person

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