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Finding Love Again...


perfectfan

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I don’t know if it’s the right thread to post but I’ll just give it a try, is it possible to believe in love again after the loss of your mother?  I felt damn guilty thinking back that I did play some role in causing her death, if only I looked after her, if only I cared for her more, if only I wasn’t affected by my back then underground relationship with a guy.  I wished she’s still alive and that I could tell her I’m sorry for everything that I have done. But it’s too late, she’s gone.  But at least I broke up with him before she passed away, hence the lesser guilt I suppose.  Still, it gnaws in my heart still.  It’s so excruciating that I couldn’t put in down in words.  For the past 7 months, I have been wanting to blog down every single emotions and pen though those little details that have accumulated to bother and cause my breakdowns every now and then, yet somehow I couldn’t summon the courage to.

But now I’m gonnna give it a try – because I have been to lost and confused that I am losing pieces of myself slowly, everyday.  It’s never that easy to find back that equilibrium, but I’ll get it back one day. 

We were friends for four years before we decided to acknowledge our feelings and get together.  So you can safely say it was love based on mutual understanding and built on a strong friendship but sad to say we were too alike, so much that our personalities clash.  We often quarrel over the trivial silly things – I know was being so childish and immature that I said break up too many times and finally we broke last dec, over a fight as usual. My mum was on the verge of dying back then, and I didn’t want to give in to him anymore.  I got tired of his nonsense and refusal to pacify me, even when I’m faced with a stressful situation.  So we finally called it off.  I guess I was bothered by the casual remarks given by random friends saying he aint treating me right, but I hey I should be sane enough to know they are outsiders and although they see a clearer picture, they understand not the depth of love shared. 

He knew my mum and mum knew him.  She saw us once at a shopping mall, but I managed to deny profusely that he was my boyfriend.  I wished I told her then, perhaps she might give our blessings (but she got quite a nasty impression of him, tucking out his school uniform and all haha but after that incident I have been trying to change her mindset of him by telling her about his good stuffs and she seems quite happy with her).  I’m not sure if she really knows about my relationship with him, but I suppose she sensed it somehow… I get a feeling that she knows, yes mothers know everything.  You cannot hide anything from them. 

How I wish she was still alive to me advices on relationships, but there will never be the case again.

I can’t imagine myself opening up to someone else, another guy who doesn’t know her existence and vice versa.  It’d suck, he (the ex) was someone whom I could relate to, he has been through the darkest and the finest moments in my life, he was everything, everything I wanted.  I couldn’t believe we broke.  And I’m still reeling from that loss, as much as a I deny by saying I am living a better life without him.  I wondered if his presence would make my grief slightly easier but oh well, woman with or without him, I made through.  I made it, somehow.  And that sets me wondering, maybe I don’t really need a guy in my life after all.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for listening.  I really need to get it off my chest.

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butterfly13

perfectfan-  I think when you lose someone you loved more than anything in this world(your mom )to death,you can survive anything.The so-called loss of a boyfriend isn't as traumatic as it would have been,had you not gone through your moms death.You know what real loss is,and it's the worst ever,nothing can compare to that.You are not the same person you were before your mom died-some people can't deal with that.Everything changes after you lose your mom,your feelings towards love,everything!At least this is how I feel.

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

perfectfan-  I think when you lose someone you loved more than anything in this world(your mom )to death,you can survive anything.The so-called loss of a boyfriend isn't as traumatic as it would have been,had you not gone through your moms death.You know what real loss is,and it's the worst ever,nothing can compare to that.You are not the same person you were before your mom died-some people can't deal with that.Everything changes after you lose your mom,your feelings towards love,everything!At least this is how I feel.

You are totally correct.  And recently he gotten a new girlfriend, it irks me to find out he has apparently moved on, got on a better life than me.  Oh well can I expect anyway, I can't expect him to be trapped in the past, stuck like me isnt it?  People move on.  But honestly I cannot imagine a love with someone who don't know my mum, who weren't aware of her existence, her illness and the impact she has on my life.

And its true, I'm no longer the same person was before my mum's death.  Sometimes it sad, that I cry myself to bed at nights to realise I might not even have the courage to love someone this much in this life ever again.  Layered walls built up, meant not for intruders.

This feeling of loneliess and emptiness is getting hard to bear with.

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perfectfan- Your ex may have moved on,but is not necessarily happy-otherwise he wouldn't be bouncing from girlfriend to girlfriend,sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.I understand how hard it is to even think of being with anyone who didn't know your mom.My mom was truly fun,with a great personality,all my friends,boyfriends etc...always would say-"I love your mom."I now can't imagine trying to explain how great my mom was,and how close I was to her-she was everything to me.My world is truly empty without her in it.My moms birthday is in Oct. she loved the autumn months,I feel overwhelming sadness that she won't be here this fall,and forget about the long,depressing winter months that are coming,can't imagine how I will get through them(getting depressed just thinking about it).Life sure is a challenge!!  Love Butterfly

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i lost my mom in june 6th 2007 and recently rushed into a marriage i regret as i just wasnt ready - we hadnt know each other that long -

 

dont do like i did ok ?

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Dear Members,

We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:

- Custom Profile Fields

- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.

- Facebook and Twitter Integration

- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"

- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.

- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board

- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.

- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.

The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.

The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.

If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.

Kelly Baltzell, MA

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kittyshen2013

The past is always the past, we have to do is to look forward, even in the past and then OK, but also a good memory.

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