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What do I do now?


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I saw him this morning.  At about 8:30 am.  I woke up when he kissed me on the cheek.  Then he said he would be back.  At 10 am I finally got up.  At 11, the coroner was on my door step.  He threw himself in front of a train.  No note was left (that I can find), no indication of why.  Talking to his parents was the hardest part.  They wanted answers, and I have none.  Now I am sitting here, wishing we could curl up with each other .... and we can't.  I feel so alone, so lost.  My body feels like it is a bump on a log.  My brain is mush, my stomach feels like it is going to implode.  I'm lost... and confused.  does it end? 

Never to kiss him, or feel his arms around me.   Never to hear his voice whisper he loves me.   I'm not sure how I am gunna do it.  I'm just lost.

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oh my gosh!  I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have joined us.  I know you are in shock.  These are going to be tough days in front of you.

Although I havent dealt with suicide, there are some on here that have.  Please visit the "I Miss Him So" board.  They helped me sooooooo very much in those early days.

It has been over one year for me, but I remember those early days of shock, of disbelief, of the unbearable pain. 

Please know that it will get better, although you will never be the same.  Be gentle with yourself

I'm crying for you and  I hope you find some comfort here.


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It will be 3 months on the 8th since I lost my wife, Shawn.

She chose not to be part of this world any longer and took her own life.

I am new to this board and want to reach out, hear other experiences, and to share with others who have been feeling the same pain.

The shock has lasted these long weeks but now I am beginning to accept the fact that the pain she was feeling had overwhelmed her. Shawn no longer feels that pain and she is ever present in, with, and around me.

At 52 years of age, I have felt the happiness, security, and contentment that I had been longing for my entire adult life.

I know what you are feeling, the questions, possible guilt, anger.... all natural feelings.

There are some days where I just feel like joining my wife, but I know she is watching over me. We have a relationship that is on an entirely different level and she guides me, helping god to keep me strong, do right, and show me the way to make her proud to be my wife.

It will get better in time, but I still ask WHY, a question that will never be fully answered.

I have so much more to talk about but it is very late, and I am tired.

I will be using this forum to help ease my pain and am glad I found it.

I hope you find peace in your loss, though right now it sounds impossible.

The intensity of your grief will equal that of your love.

I have surely found that to be the truth.

May God Bless You.

Jeff Handley

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