Getting thru

[calebsmomma]

We just got thru two terribly hard weeks.  Our County fair and the neighboring county fair. 

My children show livestock and have for many years.  I believe in keeping up with what we did.  My  oldest daughter ran for and won Fair queen.  It was so bittersweet.  One of the questions they asked on a questionaire to be read after the judging was what was your favorite fair memory.

Her answer was when she won princess 6 years earlier, when her name was announced her brother saying from the audience that he demanded a recount.  Caleb was almost 3 years older than Kaci and she was so angry with him at the time and now it is a fond memory. 

My youngest daughter bought a Duroc pig earlier and I know its because that is waht Caleb always showed.  She  made our market sale and was the only duroc in it.

Then at the neighboring county fair we just finished, we always have a church service the sunday after the fair is over at the campground where several families camp together.  Out of 6 families represented 2 of us lost a member of our house hold this last year and 1 family did 3 yrs earlier.  Hannah, our youngest had a crying breakdown at our service.  she sobbed and sobbed while I held her.  She is 13 and idolized Caleb.  I kept telling her it was ok and she looked at me and said it wasn't ok, it would never be ok again.  I meant it was ok for her to cry, cause i really felt she needed it. 

My daughters grieve so for the loss of their big brother. 

The hardest part was my son at the last years fair had asked if he could move back home and humbled himself to us, told us that he was in financial trouble and needed help.  That was so hard for him to do and I was so proud of him for doing it.  He talked to me for hours that night and poured out all his heartache to me.  I miss him so, he was my baby who always loved me and could show it. 

We are trying to go on.  Now to the MO State Fair where my daughter will run for state fair queen.  This is a new experience for us and I know Caleb is proud of Kaci and will be with her in spirit. 

I hope I am doing the right thing by continuing all our previous traditions and not making it harder on my girls. 

[ericasmom]

Calebsmom,

it is the right thing because it feels like it is. If it begins to feel forced, or fake, then maybe you'll revisit this idea. THis is year one, and to keep some things that are tradition may go a long way to help all of you see that life goes on, even in the darkest hours, it goes on. Caleb would also probably like that you still attend, he loved it, he loves you, it makes sense. The girls will grow up and they may or may not continue this tradition, but for right now it sounds sweet to join in this way.

I am sorry that you lost your boy, how old was he, just a teenager? My girl was 19 when she was killed 5 years ago. Life is not easy, but I promise it does get softer.

Hang in there and believe in his love,

Dee

[calebsmomma]

Caleb was also 19.  I sometimes feel he was trapped not yet a man but not still a boy.  He was less than 2 months from being 20.  He had told his sister, Kaci and some of friends that he wouldn't see 20.  God must have told him something because he died after an auto accident.

He loved the fairs and showing livestock. We are trying to follow our traditions and in March asked the girls if they wanted to show, it was up to them, but we needed to purchase the show stock if they were going to.  They both said yes.  And we made it thru.  

Caleb's best friend checked on me often and came and spent the evening one night with us.  Most of his friends have been so wonderful and have shown us so much love.  I thank God for them all every day.

 

Carmen