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Just lost my mom


kerrifaa

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I lost my mom 3 days ago and the best word that I can come up with is that it feels weird. I expect to see her when I go to see my dad. It feels so unreal. My mom was only 59 she died of a heart condition which she had all her life. I have started to do something positive for her. I have signed up for the american heart association heart walk and I will be walking with my dad and husband and daughter and we will be walking in her memory. I love my mom so much and I miss her terribly. I know that most of her life she was in pain and I happy that she is no longer in pain. But I still cannot get over the fact that she is gone. I feel right now that I am just going through the motions of life. I am glad that I still have my dad and I have a great husband and daughter.  But I feel that a part of me left when she left.  This morning is a good morning I still feel numb but as I said a part of me is relieved that she is not longer in pain. I know that there will be good and bad days but when does it stop to feel weird?

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Kerrifaa, I can't answer your question yet about the weird feeling, because I am at the same place you are right now. My mom died just a few days after yours did, so I am still going through all the stuff that you are.  You are right about feeling like part of you left the earth when your mom left. I feel like that too.  My mother got to live longer than yours, she was a senior citizen, but of course it's never long enough - you just get more attached to them, the longer they live! I am so sorry that your mother had to go before even reaching 60. I guess you are glad that her pain is over, but still you'd rather see her here with you, just like always. I will pray for you to have a little bit of peace and normalcy in the next few days. I need it too. I keep wanting for her to sing me a lullaby or something like you'd do for a little kid, just to comfort me.

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I am very sorry for your loss.  I know they say time heals all. But I really do not think it will happen for me.  This is the person that gave you life and to see theirs gone makes you feel so much pain.  The only thing you can do is talk to people and sometimes that makes you feel better when you remember the good times that you had with her when she was here.  I know that it hurts really bad right now. But everytime you hurt and cry for her try to think of some of the good times too. It seems to help me through a little. I look at old pictures and remember my mom when she was at her happiest.  I know my mom misses me and my brother and father. I know she does not like to see us unhappy.  But I know that it makes her happy to see us laughing and enjoying life.  My husband and I went out a few days after my mom had passed to celebrate our wedding anniversary. Well I felt guilty about having a good time and I talked to my brother about it and he said I have no reason to feel guilty but that he was feeling the same way.  You will probably feel that too and that is normal.  Try to remember that your mom is smiling down at you and telling you to live your life even though hers is over she wants you to be happy just as she did when she was here.  Thank you so much for responding to me. I hope I can help you in anyway.

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i was dreaming about my mom the last few days a lot - she used to smile thru her pain so that i wouldnt be so sad -

i lost her last year in june and tomorrow is her b day - august 3rd

i am so hurt as well - it still feels strange to me - sometimes i wonder if i call home if i will accidently hear her voice again ?

i know how you feel - your mom was a lovely lady -- hugs and i am so sorry

 

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Sheela, happy birthday to your mom in Heaven! How good that you remember the nice things she did for you.  My mom's birthday is next month, so I know that it will feel strange to me, too, not to be celebrating it with her this time. Also, my own birthday is later this month, and I remember telling Mom that I wanted a birthday card from her this year - I was trying to give her hope to live past my birthday.  So it will be very weird not to have the person around who gave birth to me on my birthday! However, maybe she will send me a sign of some kind that she is around on that day. I'll be looking for one. On your mom's birthday, try to think of the ways you can celebrate her life and all the wonderful things she did for your family and perhaps that will make you happier. Thanks for the hugs, and you have some back from me and the other folks on this forum!!  ;)

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oh god 59 is just to young. I lost my mom 6months ago and she was only 60. when I saw the picture it reminded me of my mom holding my son. He's 2 now, and Thank God I have him I really do not think I would get out of bed if it was not for him. Our little ones help us and they don't even know it. I know the first couple of weeks are definately going to feel numb. When it happened to me I kept thinking this did not happen and she is going to walk through that door. My mom suffered alot too, she had cancer and did not respond well to chemo at all. She ended up having tumors in her lung and brain. I took care of her and loved every day I was blessed to see her when I came down my stair, and then the day came when I had to go down stairs knowing she would not be there. It sooo.. hard. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I find nighttime the hardest it's too.... quiet and my thoughts are all over the place. I'm sure its the same for you. We were lucky to have theses beautiful and STRONG women in our lives, and lets hope that we get to be half the mothers they were to us. God bless.

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I am so sorry for your loss.  It has been 3 weeks today since my mom passed and the feeling is still weird and really that is the best way for me to describe the feeling. I wanted to call my mom the other day and then realized that she was no longer there to talk to.  My dad picked up her ashes today and when he told me I just could not believe that she was gone. My family knew that this was going to happen some day because of her heart condition.  But you are never prepared for it.  Your are very right about the nights though. My husband works the mid shift at work and does not get home until after 9 and my daughter is sound asleep by that time. Last night it was so quiet and I did not know what to do.  I felt lost. But I got through it. You are also right about having your child as a part of your life because I feel the same way that if I did not have my daughter I would not get out of bed.  I have my moms picture on my entertainment center so I can see her every morning.  I miss her so much and it is really hard when I see other people with their moms and wish I just had one more day.

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oh wow you sound like me it's terrible to see daughters  out and about with there moms I get so envious, that still has not gone away for me. I find that extremely hard. I don't know why but I find that to be the hardest reminder of what I can't do and that's watch my mom enjoy my child and vice versa. I wanted so badly for my mom to watch my son grow up, but now I can't. I also keep alot of pictures up, I kiss them goodnight every night. If I did not have this site to go too I would definately feel like I'm the only person feeling this type of loss and pain. Its getting dark and soon I will have to put my son to bed and then that will mean bed for me as well, I hate that. I somtimes will go downstairs and cry so my husband does not hear me. Its been 6 months so people assume that your doing better, but I'm still mouring her. Lets hope we get through the night ok. I'm sure they are watching over us. I'm also sure that they would hate to see us do sooo.. much crying. Here's to taking this one day at a time. I think thats all we can do. If your interested thers a wondeful book I'm reading called "motheress daughters" its very good and helps us understand our feelings and also to not feel so alone in this ugly process. You are in my prayers.

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I have been reading a lot of your comments about loss.

Strange how so many of us 'feel' the same during these times.

My mother died in March..she asked to come home from the hospital so she could spend her last moments with me..which only amounted to three more days of life.

It was horrible..but beautiful. The worst..and the best. 

I can't really explain it.

Afterwards.. all I hoped for was that I got to be with her again.

Funny..I heard her voice on two occassions after that. I don't really expect anyone to believe me..but it was definitely her! I was lying in bed..awake..and I heard her call to me from down the hall. Her voice was so clear and loud enough to make me jump! She was keeping her promise.

As she grew ill..I begged her all the time to please try and find a way to make contact with me.

And she did!

Now..I don't know what to say to others that feel this kind of pain. Except that..I have never been one to believe in an afterlife.  In fact..I purposely did not allow my thoughts or my imagination to sway my opinion. But what I experienced..I have to say.. was very, very real.

It was my mom all right!

And when the time comes..I know.. I will find her.

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butterfly13

raichel-  I enjoyed your story,it made me feel good.One of the biggest problems I'm having since my mom died is truly believing in an afterlife.In my heart I believe that all of her love,personality,memories etc..can't just disappear because her heart stopped beating,that it has to go somewhere,but sometimes I have my doubts.I haven't gotten any signs from her,we were so close,I was sure she would find a way to let me know she is ok.A few strange things did happen in the weeks following her death,but I can't say that they weren't coincidences.I'm still looking for that sign from her,that I know without a doubt that she is letting me know she is ok.I'm glad that you were able to get that from your mom.

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Hello butterfly13..

I am glad my experience made you feel a little better. I really haven't spoken to anyone in my family about what happened. I am not sure they would believe me. But.. if I hadn't experienced it myself..I would have hard time believing it too!

My mother and I discussed this subject all the time..that if there were an afterlife..(I was doubtful) then she just had to get through to me!

And now I do believe.

It's just what scientists have said all along.

That 'life' is a form of energy..and energy is infinite.

Energy can never be destroyed..only transformed..into another form.

So you're right!

All of your mother's love and feelings can never be erased.

She's just on a different plain from you.

Some of us have to take this journey long before the rest of us can.

And that's the hard part..but.. that's always what life has been butterfly

..a never ending journey.

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I lost my Mother on February 12th of this year.  I feel the same as Butterfly, I need some kind of sign.  My Mother and I were so close I cannot believe she is out of my life forever.  i have had some signs but I analyze and feel like they could be coincidence, or just my wishful thinking. 

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My Mom passed away June 7th and I have desperately looking for signs from my Mom as well.  I have even gone so far as to talk to a psychic medium.  (Which I have never done before.)  The psychic had some info to share, but nothing definite.

I have had a lot of random things happening, but I don't know (like some others have said) whether or not the are coincidences or actual signs.  We recently went to a museum with my kids and one of them out of the blue said that "Nana gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek from Heaven..."  My child is three so it was very random.  We were in a place with lots of distractions, so I am thinking that this is a real sign.  I have not been able to hear or see my Mom, but lots of other little things have been happening.  We have motion sensor lights and since my Mom has died, sometimes they are always on or you will flip the switch and they will blink on and off a few times and then just stay off.  Also, one night we were all upstairs getting ready for bed and one of the kids toys went off three times.  The only way to get the toy to make any sounds is to either push the toy or press a button.  My husband had the kids in the tub so he told me to go downstairs and make sure no one was in the house...  It was strange.  I don't know.  Am I nuts or do you think any of these are signs or just random events???

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kerrifaa, I am sorry that you lost your mom so young, too.  My Mom was only 55 and I feel the same way about it feeling like you are going through the motions.  I still feel like picking up the phone and calling my Mom even though it has been 2 months... 

I am so sorry for all of your losses.

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I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my dad on July 21 this year and I understand that feeling...like a part of you just left too.  Sending all my positive thoughts...

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My Mom's death anniversary date is today (UGH). 6 months ago today.:(  I STILL have an urge to call her and within the same thought, realize I can't.  I have dreamt about her a few times.  Two of the dreams were memorable and very vivid.  One dream, I was in the dark and I could see stars.  Like it was the sky at night, maybe?  And all I was doing was desperately calling her and looking for her.  I was just focused on finding her.  Then, I started to notice this tiny tiny light in the distance approaching me.  As it approached it became larger and larger and was coming at me pretty fast.  Then when it got right up on me, it just turned into a butterfly.  That was it. Then i woke up.  In my mind though, I just knew it was her.  Yeah, strange, I know.  But the bizarre thing is, the next day we were hiking in the woods and this butterfly was dancing around me.  ever since then, I see a butterfly everyday. 

This past sunday, I went to eat lunch at a place that I knew my Mother would like and it was like land of the butterflies.  Tons everywhere.  You even had to dodge them in your car because they would fly toward the winshield.  While I was eating and thinking about how my Mom would love this place, I looked over and saw a woman in her wheelchair.  Well my Mom had to use a wheelchair during her last few months because she had lost use of her legs.  Anyway. I will get to my point.  Maybe that was moms way of letting me know that she isnt in her wheelchair anymore.

I just wish I could have more signs than ones I feel I have to put together for my own peace of mind.  Does that make sense?

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far.

I'm sorry for all you who have lost, I know how it feels and it can be unbearable.

Angela

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Once again, to all here my sincerest condolences. And to mydoot (and everyone else, including myself), please don't be so hard on yourself about taking blame for things that happened to your mom. I am guilty of some of the same things as you, and so is everyone who ever tried to relate to their parents and couldn't quite do it the way they wanted to or imagined they should.  Hindsight really is 20/20 vision! I wish I had done some things differently... been more aggressive about my mother's care when I didn't always agree with it, lived closer to her or taken more time off work, ignored comments that seemed inflammatory, let things bother me less, etc. We really can't go back and redo stuff, but we can learn from the past and truly try even harder to appreciate our family and friends around us each and every day. We can also apologize in spirit to our parents and others who haved passed, ask them and ask God to forgive us and forgive them when either one of us was in the wrong at any time in the past. Surely, since they love us, they will forgive all hurts, slights and oversights.

Maybe some of the things we did/failed to do would have made a difference; however, we couldn't prevent them from ultimately passing if they were so sick. Yes, we still kick ourselves that we couldn't make their lives easier or more pleasant or longer, but we don't need to keep all the guilt and pain inside anymore. We have to learn how to let go of it...and it's really, really hard to do at times.

In conclusion, I am just saying that we can feel sad or even regretful at times, but we will all do ourselves the biggest favor in the world if we can learn to love each other even more than we already do, and can learn to show it as often as possible.  I need to follow this advice myself! Easy to say, hard to do...

Love to all and peace of mind for all of us!!

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I read all of your posts and I don't believe it's just coincidence..or imagination.

Let me tell you what happened to me.

Remember when I mentioned that I heard my mother's voice on 'two' occasions?

Well..the one where she called out to me from down the hall..that was the second occurence.

But what I didn't say.. is what happened the first time she made contact.

Mom died in my care..I was with her throughout the whole ordeal to the very end. And it wasn't all terrible..she gained consciousness a few times before finally lapsing into the void.

During those moments where she was awake..I played her favorite music, she ate dinner, we talked and even laughed about a few things. It was comforting in a strange sort of way.

Anyway.. there came a point where she closed her eyes and went into this semi awareness of her surroundings. Where I could no longer make direct contact with her. By that I mean..she couldn't answer my questions..but.. she did respond to other things. She started 'talking' to her deceased brother.. calling out his name.

I studied her eyes..her eyelids were closed but..I could tell that underneath her eyes were moving quickly..as if she were 'watching' or 'seeing' something or someone.

Well..I had read about all these people that had NDE's..Near Death Experiences.

How they all mentioned that right before death..they felt their life essence 'pop' out and float above their bodies. So I tried something. I kept looking up towards the ceiling..and very quietly without making any sound... I motioned with my hands and face.. and blew 'kisses.'

My family members who were there witnessed the whole thing. Each time I 'blew a kiss' up towards the ceiling..my mother responded!! She got excited and smiled! As if she could see me sitting down there by her side making these gestures.

And I believe she did! She must have! Since her eyes were closed and I didn't make any sounds..she must have 'seen' me because her overall response completely changed. She acted as if she were happy!

Well..a few days after mom died..I was sitting in my living room by myself one night and I was feeling very depressed. So I started talking out loud to my mother. I said "You promised that you would make contact with me mom..but I guess you can't." And that night I went to bed..resolved that I'd never hear from her again. But around 2:00 am.. I woke up to my mother's voice almost shouting in my left ear!

I mention my left ear..because I didn't hear her as you would normally.. as if someone were speaking directly in front of you.

I heard her as if she had bent over my left side to speak.

It only lasted a few seconds..but I remember every detail.

Her voice sounded strange..it had a ethreal quality about it. Almost as if she were talking 'through' or 'in' some kind of gaseous element.

That's the best I can do to explain it. Like she was part of.. or talking through pure oxygen or ether!

And she sounded so very far away..because I could tell she was making a tremendous effort to call out to me. But it was my mother's voice! And she woke me up from a very deep.. dreamless sleep.

The second time I heard her... as I mentioned before..she came across very loud and clear. Since then..there's been no other occurences.

The really.. really.. strange thing is..afterwards I decided to do some research on death experiences. And I came across some information about the dead..how some believe  that departed souls become part of  a dominant element that exists in the universe. Which is called..

"Ether."

I don't expect anyone to believe me..I can only say that I know what I heard and experienced.

Perhaps it's different for everyone else. But as far as I am concerned..death is not the end of life..maybe it's just the beginning.

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I hope no one minds..but I went ahead and posted some scientific information on the topic of Physics..and how scientists today recognise that there is something in our Universe termed as.."Dark Energy." Which is invisible.. yet believed to be the driving force of all living things. They equate this Dark Energy with Ether (aka - Aether). I posted it here in case anyone is interested in the subject for further study.

Take care. The Mysterious Dark Energy Authors: Burra G.Sidharth (Submitted on 24 Nov 2004)

Abstract: The concept of an all pervading Aether is age old, and contrary to popular belief, it survived the twentieth century too though with different nuances. Using this concept of a background Quantum Vacuum, the author in 1997 proposed a cosmological model with some resemblance to the Dirac cosmology, which correctly predicted a dark energy driven accelerating universer with a small cosmological constant, as was subsequently confirmed by observation in 1998. Moreover the so called Large Number coincidences including the mysterious Weinberg formula are deduced in this theory, rather than being ad hoc. We examine the concept of Aether in this context and indicate how this dark energy may be harnessed.

Comments: 12 pages, tex. Submitted for publication Subjects: General Physics (physics.gen-ph) Cite as: arXiv:physics/0411224v1 [physics.gen-ph] Submission history From: Burra Sidharth Gautam [view email]

[v1] Wed, 24 Nov 2004 15:59:08 GMT (9kb)

http://arxiv.org/abs/physics/0411224

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Raichel, thank you for sharing that!

Hello, all!  I have been having another hard day without Mom.  It's days like today when I would just call my Mom to chit chat about nothing.  I miss hearing her voice and seeing her.  I love her so much.  Anotehr possible sign or random event happened today.  I called my Dad since I couldn't call my Mom.  While I was on the phone with him, someone picked up the phone... or sounded exactly like it.  My Dad was like "what was that?"  and I got scared because my kids were at the table painting (I could physically see them.)  Then I got freaked out because there was no one else in the house but me and the kids.  My dad said he would stay on the phone while I walked around the house and checked all of the phones.  I checked them all and they were all on the hook.  When I went in the basement to check the phone down there I heard giggling through the phone - it was my kids, but they were still at the table.  When I went back upstairs I went into their playroom and kept talking to my dad.  Then I heard my own voice through the phone.  The phone in the playroom was still on the hook, but I picked it up (all as one piece) and it was the sound I heard while I was talking to my dad.  I picked the handset up and hung it back up and the phone sounded normal again...  The phone was definitely on the hook when I called my Dad because there was a dial tone and my kids never left the table while I was on the phone so I am thinking it was my Mom?  We were talking about her when it happened.  Do you guys think that maybe that was a sign for me?  I have been asking for them and I feel bad because little things keep happening and I don't accept 100% that they're signs. 

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I would have to agree with you Mydoot..I think it was your mom.

As I said before..I was never one to believe in this kind of stuff.

Not even when the Hospice nurse.. who was in charge of my mom.. used to try and convince me.

Her name is Alice..and she's worked for Hospice for over twenty years. She told me that she has witnessed many unusal things after someone dies. She even made a promise to me. She said, "On or about the third day, just wait..you'll see."

She was referring to the belief that departed souls have some 'work' (reviewing their past lives) before they can come back to make contact with the family. And that generally takes about three days.

I thought she was a little crazy..and said...'Sure.'

But I wasn't going to let anyone or anything cloud my judgement. Not even my own grief!

Besides.. my mother understood that if she was going to contact me..she had better do something really dramatic in order for me to believe..like throw a brick at my head or something!

But she did even better than that!

I wish I could comfort everyone over their loss..but I can't. But for those of you who feel hopeless..you must keep in mind how magicial this world really is. Even our most renownd men and women of science stand in awe of this fact.

There's so much we don't know.

For everyone hurting..I wish you.. peace.

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mydoot- I am so much like you,after my mom died,all I did was beg for a sign that she was ok,like I've mentioned before,some strange things did happen,but I'm not so sure these things wouldn't have happened anyway.To me,the incident with your phone sounds like a sign to me,also the one with your 3yr.old getting a kiss from grandma-they say that little kids and animals can sense spirits because they are more open to it. My mom used to call me first thing every morning,after she died,it was a Sun.morning and I was missing her so much,I stayed in bed crying,saying how I missed her early calls,at 9:30A.M.my phone rang,caller I.D said unknown caller,whenI answered,saying hello a few times,they hung up.This also happened on the morning she died.I have never had this happen before my mom died,so I sometimes think those were her last 2 calls to me(some people look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them this.)Afew other things have happened,so I wrote them down in a little book,and whenever I feel doubtful,I go back to the book and read these "signs".I still keep asking for one BIG sign from her,something that will let me know without any doubts,that it was her communicating to me that she is ok. Hugs-Butterfly

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raichel- The story of your moms last day was comforting.I have been reading alot on near death visions.It is amazing how the person close to death only see or call out to loved ones who have already died.I wasn't with my mom when she died so I often wonder what her last moments were like-was she lonely?scared?did she see visions of loved ones who have already died?I will never know and it makes me so sad that she died without anyone with her.I'm trying so hard to believe in life after death,I just wish I was more like you and didn't have any doubts. Hugs-Butterfly

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Dear Raichel, Butterfly and all,

Thanks for letting me know what you think.  After I wrote the last post about the phone it happened again tonight.  I was talking to my Dad again and I was literally standing next to the phone that this happened with earlier today.  I was talking on a cordless phone to my dad and the same thing happened.  Sounded like someone picked up the phone again.  I was literally right next to it and looked at it and no one was touching it.  My kids were in front of me and my husband was in the garage.  This time, though, someone or something pressed a button briefly.  It was no one at my house and it wasn't at my dad's house that someone pressed the button.  Very odd.  I think that that confirms that it was my Mom (or an angel) giving me a sign.  :)  I have had my doubts, but I think I need to start accepting all of the little things that have been happening as signs.  i feel nuts about it, but at least it will give me comfort.  I hope the rest of you find the signs that your Moms (and/or Dads) are trying to give you.  Again, you think it is real and I am not going nuts???

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Oh, yes, I wanted to share another comforting example.  When my grandma was dying all of my aunts and my Mom got to be with her.  She had been suffering with Alzheimers for a while and she always kept saying she wanted her Mom and she wanted to go home.  Right before my Grandma died, she smiled peacefully.  She had been pretty much comatose and then she smiled.  My Mom had said that she was probably being greeted by her loved ones or saw Heaven.  I find comfort in that.

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I wish I had the comfort in seeing that with my Mother.  I was with her when she died and the nights before.  My Father and I took turns sleeping with her.  The night I slept with her, she kept wanting Xanex every hour.  She was very restless and uneasy.  She was with it but never gave any details about her knowing she was dying or anything.  I know she kept wanting us to get her up and down every 30 minutes or so.  The Hospice Nurse told us the eve of her death to stop getting her up and down because we kept tearing her skin and she was covered with bandages.  He said her soul was wanting to leave her body and kept wanting to use her body to get to where it had to go.  I know that night when we kept her down, she was calling her Father's name.  I dont recall her smiling or being "happy" either. The words that come to my mind are: anxious, scared and focused.

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I was with my mom through out the whole process and 2 nights before she died she was seeing her loved ones that passed away. She kept pointing in the room and I would say "mom what are you pointing at, and she would say my dad is here and my sister too" It was unbelievable she was even telling her sister (who died when she was very young 11 yrs old) to stop crying. It was almost like she was comforting her little sister and telling her that it was going to be ok. I later asked my moms hospice nurse (Robin) about what was going on, and she said that they will usually see the dead when they are soon to go as well. I had some peace with that and hope that my mom is with her dad who she adored and her little sister as well. I wish my mom would give me signs, I could really use one today. I miss her so much, she was my best friend. If we were not on the phone then we were togther. She was my shopping buddy, I have to say ladies I hate shopping now. Its not the same with out my friend. Oh god what I would do for just 5 more minutes.

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stacyc- I too,would give anything to have 5 mor mins.with my mom.We used to go to garage sales together on saturdays.Now,whenever I see a garage sale,I feel such sadness,I don't think I will be able to ever go to another one again,it's just not the same without my best buddy with me.God,I miss her so much!!!

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Hello, all.  I have been having another hard day.  This is a good place to vent and feel comforted.  It makes me happy those of you that got to be with you r moms when they passed and the experiences that you had seeing them see their loved ones etc.  My Mom's death was unexpected and sudden.  We don't know if she was alive or already gone when I got to the hospital.  She was on a bi-Pap machine for sleep apnea so it looked like she was still breathing, but I have a terrible feeling I missed saying goodbye to her...  When I got ther she was just staring straight ahead and not blinking and I noticed the heart monitor was jumping all over the place.  The stupid nurse said it just wasn't hooked up right.  A few minutes later I saw foam in my Mom's mouth.  I didn't say anything adn then it dawned on me that she couldn't breath with the foam in her mouth because her mouth was open so she would have been breathing through her mouth...  I had my dad yell for the nurse and I ran to the door to call them.  My Dad says he took off her mask and tried scooping the crap out of her mouth but I can't remember that part.  I just remember the nurse taking her sweet time to get in the room and then after a couple of minutes finally calling a Code Blue.  Then the CPR and unanswered prayers...  She was 55 and went in for asthma problems 2.5 weeks prior to that day...  What happened???  The autopsy came back as unknown...  I wish I could have said goodbye, I wish I knew what happened...  I wish I knew her family was there welcoming her to Heaven.

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[user=20463]butterfly13[/user] wrote:

stacyc- I too,would give anything to have 5 mor mins.with my mom.We used to go to garage sales together on saturdays.Now,whenever I see a garage sale,I feel such sadness,I don't think I will be able to ever go to another one again,it's just not the same without my best buddy with me.God,I miss her so much!!!

you know, it's strange.  Everytime I read one of your posts, it hits dead on with me.  As if I typed it myself.  I finally had to say something because this is too weird.  My Mother and I always went to garage sales.  She loved it!  Also, I had a dream about her and she turned into a butterfly.  :)  Just thought it was kinda neat and thought I would share.

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ang569-  I think it's neat too,it's amazing how many of us are feeling the same feelings and experiencing similar things,yet in every day life I feel like the only one going through such a painful experience.My mom loved butterflies and every time I see one since she has died,I can't help but think it's her-flying free with beautiful wings-free from the body that gave her so much pain.When I see a butterfly I whisper"Mom,is that you?"I know some people would think I'm crazy.I think the dream you had of the butterfly was a sign from your mom,letting you know -she's free,and ok.  Love Butterfly

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I give all of you who were there with your moms while they passed away(or right after they passed away)credit for having the strength and courage to be there with them.My mom got rushed to the ER (from what my brother tells me)after being found in her bedroom,semi-unconscious,and in extreme pain-from what,we still aren't sure.She was admitted to the hosp.on Fri. night and died on Sat. morning.The Dr. told me over the phone that they were running alot of tests to see what the problem was,but that she most likely wasn't going to make it.I know I was in shock,and didn't believe it,but I was so scared to see her like that-I didn't rush to the hosp. to see her.I can't explain it,but I was afraid that if I saw her,that I would freak out,and not be able to let her go,so I chose to stay in my own little world of denial until the Dr. called that morning to say she died.I was just a coward and wasn't there when she needed me the most.

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Well all I can add is..my mother suffered for years and years with pain.

I watched her lose a little piece of herself everyday.

We used to go out together a lot..but towards the end..she couldn't even get up out of her chair. So I bought her one of those special chairs..where it lifts you up to a standing position. She really loved it! And it made me happy to see there was still something I could do to make her smile.

You can't imagine just how great of a person my mother was!

She was always ready to laugh..she loved children and animals..(consequently we were spoiled).  And she loved to cook.. and decorate the home.  On top of all that ..she managed to keep a full time job and care for us.

When she was only 14 years old.. she had to run away from home because her parent's were violently abusing her. And at just 15 years old... living entirely on her own..she became a mother. I'll always remember that she had the heart of a lioness! She was fearless when it came to protecting us.. and equally as loving.

I once asked her what she wanted most in the world. She told me.. it was to have a home and a family.  And at the time.. I thought that request was really simple and unassuming. Because it didn't seem like a lot to ask for..but.. when you think about it..it's the two most important things in the world

My mother faced life and suffering with great amounts of courage..right up till the end. As I said she was a lioness..

and am I blessed..because so am I!

This is my last post here..and I want you all to know.. that it did me good being able to write these words down. I truly hope you all find some comfort in this life because the years go by too quickly.  And I am certain that your love ones would not want you to continually suffer for the time you have here on earth.

Whatever questions remain unanswered may be addressed at the end. And if they're not..it won't make any difference then.

God bless all of you..

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I had a friend who told me a story of butterflies that emerged from a field right after her mother passed away, and to this day she feels it is a significant symbol of her mother being freed from her suffering.  She had told me that story some time ago, and when my mom was near death last August, we waited out in the hospital hallway outside of ICU while the nurses were performing a procedure of some sort, and there, four stories up with only concrete and the roof of the adjoining building below, was a monarch butterfly.  He hung in the air right by the window I was at, and stayed up there by me for a matter of minutes.  I felt like it was a sign from my mom, and I still believe it was.  (or at least it give me comfort to hope so!)  Butterflies are beautiful and free and graceful, all of the things that our parents become when they are freed from their suffering and pain.  I am glad others share in the comfort of something so beautiful!

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peacegirl-  I really liked your story.It's amazing how many of us relate to butterflies being signs of our loved ones who have passed.When I chose my screen name I really thought I was the only one who felt this way.With so many of us feeling this way,theirs got to be something to it.At least it's comforting to think so!

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memphischic0525

Not being there when your mother died does not make you a coward.  We all carry our pain differently.  If you couldn't handle being there, don't hold yourself accountable for that.  I was there when my mom died and I see that in my mind every time I close my eyes.  I wouldn't trade being there for anything in the world but I don't feel that people who chose not to be there are cowards.  Let yourself off the hook...you have enough to deal with.  I have spent the last 9 months beating myself up about my mother being on a respirator.  She never wanted to be on that stupid thing and I did NOTHING to intervene and I should have.  So....I will cut my self some slack if you will cut yourself some slack. 

Memphischic

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memphischic-  Thank you for the support,it's something I struggle with daily.I loved my mom more than anything,I would have done anything for her,I just couldn't be there with her when she took her last breath(denial?)In my heart,I feel that my mom would understand this but I always wonder how those last moments were for her.I guess we all make decisions at the time seem like the right ones,but looking back wonder and question ourselves.

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