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lost him to cancer....right before my eyes.


littletoad

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littletoad

first of all, i'd like to say hello, because i'm new to beyond indigo. my name is danielle.

my dad left my mom and i when i was young - so when my mom worked during the day, my grandpa would take care of me. he really was the staple in my life - my only male role model - so in a lot of ways, he was more like a father than a grandfather.

i recently lost my grandpa to cancer (June 28, 2008) -  it was non hodgkins lymphoma.  he was 80yrs old - but before he got sick, everyone thought he was in his 60's. he was lively and healthy.

he struggled with the cancer for a year, but a bout of pneumonia really got him down and he was unable to recover. after that, things took a turn for the worst.

in just a matter of months, i watched the strongest man i ever knew become mere skin and bones.

he was so weak that he could barely walk, or talk. in the weeks before his death, he was unable to eat and days before his death, he couldn;t swallow anymore.

it was so hard to see him like that.

the day of his death, i was with him. right by his bedside. i watched the light fade from his eyes as he took his final breath.  it was peaceful, and that's what he wanted. i had never seen anyone die right before my eyes before.

i had never lost anyone i loved before, especially to cancer.

it's been a week since this happened, and i find myself randomly breaking down in tears. even before his death this would happen, as i would anticipate the death and grief.

it's hard to concentrate on the good memories, when all i see is him lying in bed, struggling to breathe.

 i have saved phone messages from him - and i listen to them almost everyday, just to hear his voice.

today was my first day back at work. and people came up to me - sometimes people i never really talked to before - and said, "im sorry for your loss"

i know they mean well and everything, but in some way that makes it even harder for me to cope - when i'm reminded of it 10 times a day.

some days i don't even want to get out of bed.

everyday is a struggle.

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Unfortunately, all I can say is it will take time. Grief is a healing process, one that pulls you through more ups and downs than you ever thought possible. I watched my dad take his final breath one year, one month and 26 days ago.  (but who is counting, right?) Every day brings something new. Some good, some bad.

I will pray for your strength, you are so young in the process--though I don't expect any of us will grow "old" in it.  Feel free to msg me whenever.

*HUG*

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Hi Danielle

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I lost my father to cancer just over two years ago, so I know the pain you're feeling right now.  It is still very raw, and your brain is still trying to make sense of everything you've had to deal with over the last few months.  It will take time, and being reminded of all the horrible negative things is completely normal.  These memories will eventually be replaced by all the great memories, the pain will lessen and you will heal.  It might not feel like that right now, but as long as you keep on talking to your friends and family, you will eventually start to feel better as time goes on.  Crying when you feel upset also helps in the long run, all that love and emotion has to go somewhere, I feel.

Right now it feels overwhelming, but you're not alone in this, we are all there for you, and praying for you and thinking of you. 

Feel free to msg me too.  *hug*

M

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I also keep listening to a voice message my father left me. It's a quick 5 second message of him telling me to call him back. I hear his voice and my eyes begin to water. I want to return his call so badly. I can totally relate to your problems with remembering the good times. I try to think of my dad laughing and joking around with me, but I still have that terrible night burned into my memory. I hearing my mothers screams and I keep seeing my dad on the floor. I hate that my final memory is of him with a white sheet over him lying on the floor. Everytime I drive down the street that I took home that night I just get chills and feel sick. And I'm having the same problem when people come to me and tell me how sorry they are. People that I never really talked to before come up to me and hug me and everytime someone hugs me the reality of my fathers death sets in a little more and I just begin to break down. I break down randomly throughout the day. While I'm watching TV, while I'm driving, while I'm eating, when I'm trying to sleep. I wake up in the morning and stay in bed for an hour just staring at the wall not wanting to get out of bed until my father walks in to the room.

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stephysteph13

bryank,

i can def relate alot to you,.. i lost my mom almost 2 years ago and the sick memories take over the good ones. how old r u?u can always talk to me!

steph

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Bryank--

I know we've talked before but I really think it's a good idea for you to call someone and talk--like a grief counselor. Your feelings and your reactions are so natural, so normal--but a counselor will help you work through them and learn how to cope with them. They won't go away, I am not going to give you false hope.  There are some days when i can't manage my emotions as well as others, but it is all part of the mourning process. And you are so new to it. Don't give up kiddo--

 

Michele

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Hi, Like you I never saw anyone pass away as well. Not until my mom died back in february, she had cancer as well. She had fallen in to a deep sleep and then her breathing began to change and she had a slight gurgle, so in my heart I knew it was happening. I was right there holding her hand. all of a sudden she took her last breathe and that was it. I could not believe it she was gone. I cared for her for about 10 months in my home, knowing that she would probably not survive the yr. Its hard being in this house now, I constanly think about how things were when she was here and how happy she made me. I do not have that close of a relationship with my dad, so I feel kinda lost. It hard to loose a parent , but watching them pass away before your eyes, is something you can't describe. I have sooo.. many amazing memorys with my beautiful mother, but I'm still haunted by all the times she suffered from her cancer. I don't know why, I want so badly to think about all our good times but its so hard right now. I guess its still raw and hopefully in time it will get better for both of us. ((((hugs))))))

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I try to erase those images from my mind but honestly, there has not been a day go by that I don't remember  the look on my Mother's face and how our eyes locked when she drew her last breath.  I also think about how her body would change from week to week and how she lost use of her legs within a months time and she would beg me to not lift her in the tub to bathe her because she was worried about being a "burden". I could go on and on.  Cancer is an evil disease and I just am lost without my Mom.  I want her back sooo bad I just can't stand it. 

I try to think of all these "poor me" moments as thank god for my Mother that she had me there to help her and hold her hand as she made her transition from this life. I mean death is a HUGE fear and I was able to help ease her into it.  I mean who else would she want there with her but her only daughter.  I was the love of Mother's life and believe me, she let everyone know it. :D  I TRY to think that way but it's hard.

Yesterday was 6 months to the day.  I just cant describe the emptiness in my heart and still cannot believe she's gone and I am expected to complete my life without her in it. 

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